Trust Me

[kikmosa]

Hello. This is the first story I've ever posted. I know that it contains a few errors since I'm not very familiar with the subject matter. I would truly appreciate any feedback given.

The name of the story is Trust Me and it can be found in the BDSM section of stories. My auther name is Kikmosa. Here is a link to my story.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=70079

Thank you for your time.

 

[kristydoll]

Hello. This is the first story I've ever posted. I know that it contains a few errors since I'm not very familiar with the subject matter. I would truly appreciate any feedback given.

Hi kikmosa,

I'm taking it that the subject matter is "BDSM". Actually, you did a pretty good job at it *smiles*.

As you said, there are a few errors to be found through the story - but nothing too major.

Trembling she shook her head, knowing that she could not go back now. If she didn't do it now then she never would. She had to go through with it or she never would.

The second line isn't needed.

Sitting it down, he went to her and once more whispered, "Do you trust me?"

I think you meant "setting" here.

Like I said, they are mainly only minor things and a little overall tightening up. Otherwise, pretty well done.

My only other comment is this line: "Say the word, give me the sign and this ends here and now." He hissed into her ear.
Usually when one is trying to develop trust - or make sure of its presence - one doesn't "hiss". My opinion only *smiles*

Keep writing - I look forward to more.

kristy

 

[kikmosa]

Re: Re: Trust Me

Hi kikmosa,

I'm taking it that the subject matter is "BDSM". Actually, you did a pretty good job at it *smiles*.

As you said, there are a few errors to be found through the story - but nothing too major.

Trembling she shook her head, knowing that she could not go back now. If she didn't do it now then she never would. She had to go through with it or she never would.

The second line isn't needed.

Sitting it down, he went to her and once more whispered, "Do you trust me?"

I think you meant "setting" here.

Like I said, they are mainly only minor things and a little overall tightening up. Otherwise, pretty well done.

My only other comment is this line: "Say the word, give me the sign and this ends here and now." He hissed into her ear.
Usually when one is trying to develop trust - or make sure of its presence - one doesn't "hiss". My opinion only *smiles*

Keep writing - I look forward to more.

kristy

I see what you mean about that second line and I fully agree with it. It would read better without it there.
Lol, yes I did mean setting and not sitting. My spell check can tell me when a word is spelled correctly but not if I've used the correct word.
Hmmm... I do see the problem with 'hissed'. Perhaps I should have used 'sighed' or 'whispered' instead.
Thank you very much for pointing these errors out to me. Hopefully I won't repeat these mistakes. I have a second story pending now. Maybe I should cancil it and go over it more carefully first.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I have no problem with "hissed". TYhe intimidation is part of the thrill. I'd rather hiss in her ear than giggle when I said it.

I think it's a great story. It did it for me! There's always room for improvement in every story ever written, but this is nice and hot, detailed, descriptive, and direct. Mechanics are fine. there are a few spell-check errors, but we all have those. Nothing to worry about.

The only thing that made me anxious was putting the vibe all the way inside her. (I've got to assume that it's an egg and not a dildo. At least I hope so for her sake) Things have a habit of getting lost up there and you've really got to be careful.

You should also keep an eye on your passive-voice sentences. "Moans spilled from her lips" might be replaced with "she moaned with desire" or something similar. It's not a big problem, but keep an eye on them.

Also, I liked that blue ball thing. I've never heard of anything like that. With gags I've always used bursts of three for the safe word.

Like Kristydoll, I really look forward to more.

---dr.M.

 

[kikmosa]

I have no problem with "hissed". TYhe intimidation is part of the thrill. I'd rather hiss in her ear than giggle when I said it.

I think it's a great story. It did it for me! There's always room for improvement in every story ever written, but this is nice and hot, detailed, descriptive, and direct. Mechanics are fine. there are a few spell-check errors, but we all have those. Nothing to worry about.

The only thing that made me anxious was putting the vibe all the way inside her. (I've got to assume that it's an egg and not a dildo. At least I hope so for her sake) Things have a habit of getting lost up there and you've really got to be careful.

You should also keep an eye on your passive-voice sentences. "Moans spilled from her lips" might be replaced with "she moaned with desire" or something similar. It's not a big problem, but keep an eye on them.

Also, I liked that blue ball thing. I've never heard of anything like that. With gags I've always used bursts of three for the safe word.

Like Kristydoll, I really look forward to more.

---dr.M.

The idea for the ball came from a BDSM site. I did try to do a bit of research because I really have no experience in this field. It was suggested that an object be used whenever a gag was. It seems it's not always easy to make the right sounds when some types of gags are used.
Your point is taken and I should have described the vibe a bit more. An egg type is what would be used. A normal vibe with attached remote would be too dangerous.
Thank you for your comments. I will try to keep an eye on the passive-voice sentences in future.

 

[sirhugs]

Kiki:

Great story. I think you have a real talent, especially with dialogue. As others know, I'm a big fan of dialogue to draw readers in, and pace the story. I like your word choices, your imagery, and the flow of the story.

I saw the odd descriptive passage foreign to my mind or experience, but that's nit picking.

The second last paragraph rang false to me. Not sure why.

I voted "5". I'm jealous. So good so soon. Keep it up

" More, More, More."

 

[Wicked-N-Erotic]

Great story. It flowed nicely and was very descriptive. I love a story I can picture myself in and not be told what to see. Only thing I found and it's a nit picking thing is that the dialoge should have stood alone in seperate paragraphs, but that's just me.
Over all very good work.
Wicked

 

[kikmosa]

Kiki:

Great story. I think you have a real talent, especially with dialogue. As others know, I'm a big fan of dialogue to draw readers in, and pace the story. I like your word choices, your imagery, and the flow of the story.

I saw the odd descriptive passage foreign to my mind or experience, but that's nit picking.

The second last paragraph rang false to me. Not sure why.

I voted "5". I'm jealous. So good so soon. Keep it up

" More, More, More."

Thank you Sir Hugs. I'm glad you liked it. I'll look at that paragraph again. Maybe I can spot the problem.

 

[kikmosa]

Great story. It flowed nicely and was very descriptive. I love a story I can picture myself in and not be told what to see. Only thing I found and it's a nit picking thing is that the dialoge should have stood alone in seperate paragraphs, but that's just me.
Over all very good work.
Wicked

I hate to be told what I'm supposed to be seeing as well. I feel that a story is supposed to make you use your imagination. If too many details are given then you can't.