True love knows no boundaries

[scheherazade_79]

Or does it?

I don't feel like I know anything before. I used to have all these clear-cut ideas about relationships, and I'm starting to realise that maybe there's no such thing as a straightforward one.

I dated a woman a while ago. She was my first true love. We had the whole electricity thing going on when we kissed, and we got on well on every level. It was a long-distance affair - she was in the US, I was in the UK.

I was pretty naive to begin with. She had affairs with several men and women, and I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Then after a while she started being a lot more blatant about it - flirting with waiters when we went out for romantic dinners and getting their phone numbers.

We went through one hell of a lot together, but after the second year of our relationship, things started going wrong. She got hyperthyroidism and became more difficult, more impatient, more aggressive than anyone I'd ever known. I was patient and kept telling myself that as soon as her medication was sorted, she'd be different. I made excuses for her for so many things, but always ended up being proved wrong. She kept telling me how much she loved me, but at the same time lying about her affairs with other people, even when I busted her well and truly - and still I made excuses for her, convinced myself she was just lonely, and maybe it was her depression doing that to her. She even told me once that I should feel proud to have a girl that everyone else was interested in...

It was always me doing the running. I used to fly out to the States a lot, and it she'd always phone my cell and get me to call her back - even when she had a job and was earning more than me. When she was going through depression, I'd sometimes be on the phone until 3am talking to her and trying to cheer her up, even though I was working full time - and this used to happen every night each week.

She came from a religious family and had issues with her sexuality. Things ended when she left a careless email lying around and her uncle read it. Two days later a Nigerian priest called round at her house with (surprise, surprise) a direct message from God, who wanted to tell her that every part of her life would go right if she just followed the Bible and had a normal relationship with a man.

I cried. She shouted at me, and called me a "selfish crybaby". Then I got on with my life. Several times she's come back into it for a brief spell. I love her to bits, but I have this defensive wall built around me, because she hurt me so much in the past. Things hiccupped along for quite a while - on, off, on, off... and I started getting scared because I found myself making the same excuses for the way she behaved, and it started making me ill again.

A few days ago, after several weeks of serious, official separation, she phoned to declare her undying love. It brought a lump to my throat, because even now I believe she was sincere.

Recently, a job came up in her company, and she was convinced she could swing her manager to hire me and get me a visa - and then we could both live happily ever after in the US.

About a year ago, there was a similar, much better, more legitimate opportunity for her to come to the UK and live, but she never made it happen.

Obviously I had core doubts about the plan anyway. It's hard enough being hurt like that when you're surrounded by your friends and family. But a couple of times it happened when I was out there, and it was the worst feeling in the whole world. I don't feel confident enough in the relationship to make a huge move like that. And there are other issues:

1. I'm currently in a job I hate. I'm sticking it out til the summer, when I plan on moving into journalism, which is something I really want to do. I have absolutely zero interest in the job she has lined up for me.
2. In order to get the job, I'd have to lie about having experience in a profession I have no knowledge of. It's something she did with ease, but I still feel uncomfortable about it.
3. My sister's having her first baby in a few weeks, and I wouldn't mind being around to watch it grow up.
4. My grandmother's in her 90s, my dog's getting old... I might not have them around by the time I get back.
5. I have a completely European spirit. I'm not particularly fond of the States, and I'd miss my mellow weekends in Amsterdam.

I was honest about all this, and told her how I felt. She got really upset with me and told me she didn't want to speak to me again for several months. I still love her, but I don't feel all that crushed by my decision. I think I've done the right thing for me.

What I'm wondering, though, is whether these factors would be an issue if the relationship was fantastic? Does anyone out there have an opinion on this?

 

[Guest]

Scheh, first of all: WOW!

All of that is great testament to the person you are. You stuck by her and loved her, no matter what, even when she let you down on numerous ocassions. And now? Now you have made the decision that is so the right one for you.

You listened to your head, not your heart, and you should feel very proud of yourself for doing so.

To be perfectly blunt, you would have been mad to have gone. It would have been a massive risk, and one not worth taking, in my opinion.

IF the relationship had always been fantastic (as you put it), then I think your decision probably would have been different; it would have been a much smaller risk and one worth taking.

I hope you can move on now and find someone that will give you in return what you deserve. I know you still love her - love like that doesn't die overnight, but you have done the right thing.

Take care,

Lou

 

[LadyJeanne]

If the relationship were fantastic, you'd probably drop everything to be with her. I say that primarily because of your history together - sounds like you did that often for her as it was.

My belief is if you both feel trust, love and intimacy, then that's something worth treasuring and worth sacrificing other things for. That's what makes a forever kind of relationship possible; many of the other things like jobs and location are just logistics that can be worked out over time.

I believe you are correct to hesitate making a move, under the circumstances. It sounds like you'd be far better off meeting someone who appreciates you fully and without selfishness.

 

[cantdog]

Several massive risks. The idea is wrong, as you describe it; kick it away like the snake it is.

(But don't listen to my advice, whatever you do. Live your own life.)

 

[hydrex]

True love really does know no bounderies, however it sounds like she has a few bounderies when it comes to you. If you haven't spent a significant amount of time together you both might be in for a surprise when you eventually do. Living with someone 24/7 isn't the same as spending a week or three together.

I'd say you've made the right decision after all she did cheat on you, and may do so again. Also it sounds like she has some emotional/mental problems to work through before making such a big commitment to anyone.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

If the relationship were fantastic, then the decision wouldn't be something gut wrenching. Wheter you decided to stay or go, she would have understood. The risks you are willing to run are often dictated by the percieved rewards and the probability of getting that reward.

In this case, the risks are of the charts, the probability of getting what you want is near nil and you made the choice that is sane. Were the relationship fantastic, the risks would be manageable and the probability high of getting the rewards. You would still have to make decisions and run risks, but the bottom line would be those risks would be in part at least mitigated by the strength of the relationship. When the relationship has been compromised by one partner's actions in the past, it dosen't carry the strength to mitigate risk any longer.

At that point, the risks must be weighed, without the counter balance of the relationship and in the balance of the scales, you could only choose the risks based on hope. Many people do and some win that throw of the dice, but far more lose.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

Sweetie, read what you wrote and then look at it as if it were one of us posting here and what you would say to them.
It helps to sometimes step outside the box.

 

[Quiet_Cool]

Honestly, man, if it were worth the risk of moving there, she'd have moved to live with you last year. She lies, she keeps secrets; there's no relationship. In your shoes, I'd be wondering what I was thinking to take her back so much as once.

Of course, in your shoes, I'd be too involved emotionally to make such a rational statement on my own life.

Whatever all that means.

but cant has the best point. The decision is yours; what we think can only bring things to light, and we're not involved in the situation, the decision, or the consequences of them.

Q_C

p.s. Does True Love know no boundaries? Everything has boundaries; true love being no exception.

 

[rgraham666]

Sche, you did exactly the right thing.

I wish I had been as wise before I got married. There were so many warning bells going off it was amazing I could hear anything.

But I wasn't hearing anything except her lies to me, and my lies to myself. I had so bought into the idea that 'love conquers all' that the truth, which was very unpleasant, wasn't listened to.

The rest as they say, is history. Our marriage blew up like the Hindenberg. And because it was the first time I had really made an effort in a relationship, what little self confidence I had was destroyed and the downward spiral I was in became steeper.

If I had enough sense to listen to myself, properly, with my love for my ex as just one of the many factors involved, things would have turned out much differently and undoubtedly better.

You're wise beyond your years, sche.

 

[neonlyte]

Wow, as Lou said. One hesitates to reply, specially as a bloke.

Sounds to me you were doing much of the giving, the sacrificing and hand holding.

If you'd gone, you had the most to lose, and you would have lost things you could never recover.

I think you made the right choice, you'd have known differently otherwise. All conquering love would have swept aside the sacrifices you were being asked to make.

Of course you still love her, you probably always will. We all love our first true loves even we settle into long term relationships with someone else, but it is important to recognise why we are with someone else (as you will be). The giddy, heart wrenching, gut twisting, mind zapping excitement of first love is almost impossible to replace. Whether it stands the test of time is can only be guessed.

In truth, your relationship condensed by distance, was a short affair perpetuated by being apart rather than being together. They are difficult relationships to maintain at the best of times. If you'd been together continually you may have discovered sooner the degree of sacrifice demanded of you.

Don't think bad of it. Take the warmth with you and keep a little place in your heart that remembers the love and the joy you shared. It will strengthen your future.

I've said this before on the forum, rarely a day goes by when I do not recall my first real love of more than thirty five years ago. We had a torrid time, I recently posted the account as a story, but what I remember are the good times, not with regret but with pleasure.

Best of luck

 

[scheherazade_79]

Thanks folks. Those were some really sweet responses I wouldn't say I'm happy with my decision, but I'm contented with it. The alternative was something that scares the shit out of me even as I think about it. Maybe if I'd had more time to rebuild things with her, I might have made the move eventually; but she was deadset that the decision had to made today - or never.

So I choose never - and I think I made the right choice.

Now that's out of my system, I'm going to go for a spin on my bike - and before you get the wrong idea of some sexy biker chick on a Harley, it's a push bike. I only take it on cycle tracks that are free from cars. I don't have a helmet, just a woolly hat. I also cycle with my jogging pants tucked into my socks, and a thick parka on Guess I won't be meeting any future girlfriends while I'm out cycling!

Thank you, everyone.

 

[cantdog]

Welsh biker chick knocks 'em over
Fashion plate nonplussed
I didn't think my outfit was such a traffic stopper, says biker babe
(pix page 5)

 

[cantdog]

Good for you, scheh. You're wise. Wise is good, and so are memories. All the best.

 

[minsue]

 

[just pet]

Thanks folks. Those were some really sweet responses I wouldn't say I'm happy with my decision, but I'm contented with it. The alternative was something that scares the shit out of me even as I think about it. Maybe if I'd had more time to rebuild things with her, I might have made the move eventually; but she was deadset that the decision had to made today - or never.

So I choose never - and I think I made the right choice.

Now that's out of my system, I'm going to go for a spin on my bike - and before you get the wrong idea of some sexy biker chick on a Harley, it's a push bike. I only take it on cycle tracks that are free from cars. I don't have a helmet, just a woolly hat. I also cycle with my jogging pants tucked into my socks, and a thick parka on Guess I won't be meeting any future girlfriends while I'm out cycling!

Thank you, everyone.

You know you made the right decision
Trust is something once broken is never fully healed
There are always seeds of doubt begging to sprout

And your outfit is ubersexy
Because it comes from the inside

Best to you
You should be proud of your strength

 

[moonlight elf]

Thanks folks. Those were some really sweet responses I wouldn't say I'm happy with my decision, but I'm contented with it. The alternative was something that scares the shit out of me even as I think about it. Maybe if I'd had more time to rebuild things with her, I might have made the move eventually; but she was deadset that the decision had to made today - or never.

So I choose never - and I think I made the right choice.

Now that's out of my system, I'm going to go for a spin on my bike - and before you get the wrong idea of some sexy biker chick on a Harley, it's a push bike. I only take it on cycle tracks that are free from cars. I don't have a helmet, just a woolly hat. I also cycle with my jogging pants tucked into my socks, and a thick parka on Guess I won't be meeting any future girlfriends while I'm out cycling!

Thank you, everyone.

I believe you made the right decision. Sometimes one needs to decide with ones head and not the heart , while that might leave the heart sore I think the alternative might have hurt a lot worse.

Riding a bike in Wales sounds lovely....I've recently been down your way and can say that its beautiful there. Hope you enjoy your ride and all the best.

moonlight.