tried and i think failed

[s7724]

I've wanted my husband to doninate in bed for a long time. I spoke to him about this, it was really hard as he doesn't like talking about anything of impotance and it was really hard to tell him what I thought I wanted. I then wrote him a letter telling him exact things I wanted him to do to me. He took it better then I thought and said he would try so I bought a flooger to start with and we gave it a go. Well all I can say is that he tried but I wasn't satisfied.
My current desires have been around for as long as I can remember and he is not the type of person to really dominate anyone or anything. He said it was really good and we shoud do it again but I don't want to be disapointed again.

My question is had anyone had a similar experience and do they have any advice.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Have you ever tried to teach someone to cook?
Did you expect them to make a perfect meal the first time in the kitchen? If they did-- wasn't it because you were right there, hands on with them?

I know very well how hard it is to talk to a partner. and how hard it is to get a partner to listen to the words you say. How hard it is to experience not-quite-what-you-wanted.

But at least he liked it! That's a hell of a good start.

Depending on where you live, there will be at least one if not more BDSM groups available to you. And they will have classes and seminars and parties because we love to show off our skills to each other, and we mostly want to see other people be happy as possible. Join fetlife.com and look for your area to see what's happening.

And there just might be a better way to get what you want. Read the essay in my signature, and see if it makes sense to you.

 

[s7724]

Yes I read the essay thank you.

Yes he tried and yes it was unsatisfying for different reasons. I wasn't expecting it to be all I wanted the first time but i thought that i would feel more than i did. I topped from the bottom the whole time so that he knew whatt i liked and wanted but it was tiring taking the enjoyment out of it.

He's not a serious person in any respect and I feel that being dominated is serious.

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

Tried

Having had a similar situation occur to me, Stella provided some great insight. Along with Sir Winston, and Cutie Mouse. While I have not truly settled in to my Dom role. I'm becoming more comfortable in it. It does take a lot of communication to make the D/s relationship happen and truly thrive. I don't know your ages but I'm taking a guess that you both were raised where sex is not talked about or suppressed. I'll also guess you have code names for sex also. This is where kitten and I started. It is a growing process that will take time, nothing happens over night. You took a huge step in approaching the subject. Now you need to use your submissive powers to guide his hand and awaken the desire in both of you.

 

[s7724]

I have braved it and talked to him many times I even wrote him a letter being very specific. He says he likes it but he doesn't want to hurt me. I tried to explain that I don't want the pain but he doesn't get it.

My flooge was just the beginning for me but he found it hard to use it so I know that other things wont be any better.

Its just hard knowing that i want certain things and he wont give them too me because they make him uncomfortable.

I am a member of fetlife and a few other sites. Unfortunately speaking to other people has only fuled my desires and made my whole situation worse.

 

[Stella_Omega]

You told him you don't want pain? Or that you don't mind the pain?

If he believes that the flogger is hurting you, I suggest that he let you hit him with it so he can understand what he's doing. Mostly it doesn't feel at all like pain, it's a sort of whumpy massage. It takes a hella arm to make a flogger bite!

I had to tell my partner; "I want you to spank me, and I want to be able to holler some without worrying that you're going to stop think you've hurt me and stop."

That helped-- at least, for me.

 

[s7724]

No sorry we dont have code names for sex. Believe me I have tried to use my powers on him but still come up empty handed. Our likes are very different. Being handcuffed and had sex with is great for him, it was his all but only my beginning.

 

[s7724]

To clarify I did use it on him first to show him it didn't hurt me. I explained i didn't mind a little pain. This is what he doesn't get. I told him from the beginning that he could keep going and I would tell him if it was getting too much at any time with anything. I encouraged him the whole time. I wanted to know how things felt and if he kept stopping i would never know. I told him i trusted him and that i knew he wasn't going to hurt me with the flogger but his hard wansn't hard enough.

 

[Pachet]

I think you're giving up on him way too easily. You guys have played exactly once. You can't give him another chance? Talk to him again and tell him last time was great, but can you do it a bit harder this time?

S&M isn't just hard for a new bottom sometimes, it can be hard for a new Top, too. They have to get over a lifetime of conditioning that says "dont hurt women - don't cause them pain". For some, it may take more than one play session to realize that.

Also, I saw your other thread. If I were you I'd hold off on the online Dom. Not sure I'd be wanting to make sacrifices for my partner and try new things if they'd already given up on me and were looking elsewhere. And yes, your online Dom wants a pic of what you look like. They want to get enjoyment out of this too, even if they're "just acting as a mentor". Otherwise it's just a job, and who wants to do a job with no reward?

 

[bhndblueyes88]

If his hard wasn't hard enough it may be that it IS a flogger. Also, as others have mentioned, giving up after one go does NO credit to him. He's willing to try for you, so you sigh and give up after your souffle droops??

No you try it again. And you communicate. He can't know what you want/need from him without that exchange. Once this is established, it's likely you'll gradually need to top from the bottom less and less.

Give it some more goes See how it develops. You can't expect your sex life to change overnight!

 

[Lrn_The_Ropes]

I don't have any good advice for you, since I'm very new at the D/s lifestyle I was more of the reluctant Dom. Hopefully a more experienced Dom or sub will offer more insight. Sorry

 

[s7724]

I'm sorry I've made it sound as though we have only played once but the fact of the matter is that we have tried many times. Unfortunately its been the same every time.Now if I ask him for more or harder he gets annoyed apparently I 'unman' him. I went to the Dom to ask thes type of questions. I thought that maybe what I wanted from him was something that I'd had in my head for too long and in reality was wrong.

After a long marriage he should know me a little by now and I knew it was going to be hard for him but i needed us to give it a real try. This isn't a joke for me but he makes jokes about it. Maybe it would have been better for everyone involed if I had have said nothing at all.

 

[SexyFaeGurl84]

Join fetlife.com and look for your area to see what's happening.

I topped from the bottom the whole time so that he knew whatt i liked and wanted but it was tiring taking the enjoyment out of it.

I also have this issue with my other half. We have talked about it and he wants to try but he thinks he's submissive which I completely disagree with. He may want to be dominated every once in a while by a woman in leather but it isn't who he is on a day to day basis. We've explored it a little but I also feel the same way, if I have to teach him, it takes the enjoyment out of it for me. I just feel he should be able to read me, the sounds I make, body movement and all that. I do not want to have to give step by step directions.

I think the Stell_Omega gave good advice. Fetlife is a good place to meet friends who are also interested in the Kink lifestyle and from what I have seen so far they are definitely willing to teach.

Good Luck

 

[s7724]

I agree totally. To me this is not just about what he does to me physically its about the reactions i want him to get out of me.

To be very blunt for everyone out there we had a night not so long ago and I was thinking about how much i want him to take complete control. I decided to let it all go and let him do what he wanted the way he wanted.

Well guess what he didn't notice i never made a sound I didn't move once and i didn't orgasm. If he was really into me doing these things wouldn't he have noticed that i wasn't enjoying myself? Maybe my deffinition of being dominated is completely different to his.

I just wanted to experience it once and I didn't like it one little bit.

 

[Kurizu]

Is he into seeing you with another woman? Maybe you should find you a nice domme in your area, have him sit down in a chair and have her use you as you described, show him how much you enjoy it, crave it and want this from him.

I think if my girl went quiet and didn't cum, hell it would have freaked me the **** out. Of course, .. never mind. Point is, he needs to learn to read your body and moods and that is not always easy, especially if the he is missing the signals.

 

[CutieMouse]

What *is* your difinition of being dominated, and what is his? Communication isn't topping from the bottom; the only place dominants are perfect & mind readers is erotica.

 

[s7724]

Kurizu I'm glad you would have noticed because its not a good feeling. After nearly 20 years i thought he would know the signals by now. I must really put out the wrong vibe. Lol.

I wouldn't feel comfortable with another woman touching me but I would gladly let her touch him. As long as I could watch!!

 

[s7724]

Cutiemouse I want him to tell me what he wants to do to me, then do it, keeping in mind that i enjoy it as well. I want him to be firm with me and not so gentle. Take control of the situation and know that whatever he is going to do is going to make both of us feel good. Look at me and know that I'm enjoying it without asking. Experiment with my body and savour it because he wants to enjoy it with me.

Him: Start doing something then asking if its ok. Wanting ressurance or asking if he should he do something different? Sticking to something that he knows works and there you go we're done.

 

[Netzach]

You (general I don't want to have to explain myself) you don't want to tell people what to do and it's not sexy...

well guess what, having no freaking idea what you're supposed to do, only to discover that you're failing and you don't know why and you can't get any positive response except to default to "the usual" and then get negative response again - that can't be a huge sexy turn on either.

Till you start doing sex well together, you have to deal with some awkwardness. And then you get better at it. Or you can decide that anything short of fantasy perfection is going to dry your pussy up and make a point of being unhappy.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Cutiemouse I want him to tell me what he wants to do to me, then do it, keeping in mind that i enjoy it as well. I want him to be firm with me and not so gentle. Take control of the situation and know that whatever he is going to do is going to make both of us feel good. Look at me and know that I'm enjoying it without asking. Experiment with my body and savour it because he wants to enjoy it with me.

Him: Start doing something then asking if its ok. Wanting ressurance or asking if he should he do something different? Sticking to something that he knows works and there you go we're done.

I can guarantee you, he wants to do to you what you will enjoy. And he does NOT want to fail you.
And you are asking him to read your mind, and that sucks for him. Trust me, it is a horrible place to be in.

He's not dominant. Not yet.

BDSM is not vanilla humping. What you want is a lot more complicated. It takes more work to acheive. In order for you to be able to give up control, you and he are going to have to work out what 'control' is to each of you.
I recomend these books, which you can get on amazon;
"The new bottoming book" and "The New topping book," can give you and him lots of ideas of what you can do. Then there's another one called "Screw the Roses, Send Me The Thorns," which does a pretty decent job of talking about the dynamics that are possible.

Read them. Read them to him. learn about negotiation. Pull up your big girl panties, and take control untill you've trained him to take control of you.

 

[s7724]

Well Netzach let me be clear with you.
We have never progressed onto anything more than cuffs, a flooger and but plug because I didn't want him to think that we was bad at what he was doing. He tries and I reasure him every step of the way so that we can progress but after nearly a year don't you think that he should know by now that what he is doing is good seeing as I tell him every time.


I have never once said that I didn't enjoy it or make any other remarks of a negative nature. The only thing I have ever asked for is more. I didn't realise that after 'doing sex' his way for so long that it was wrong of me to ask for something that I want if he wasn't quite getting it right the way I liked it.

I always think that I don't want to push him too hard or I'll never get what I want but I think it's time for him to realise that we do the same things all the time.

 

[s7724]

Also I must add that I have pushed myself to make everything clear to him from what I'd like to try to the way I think it might make me feel or does feel to how or what he would like me to do for him and to him to make it for both of us. I have talked about everything because I need him to know that this is not just something that i have just thought up this is a part of me. Most of the time he jokes and pokes fun at the things I suggest.

What do you think I am not telling him that I should be?

 

[Stella_Omega]

Most of the time he jokes and pokes fun at the things I suggest.

Ah, yeah. This is starting to sound familiar. I apologise. The picture is bigger than I was getting originally.

What do you think I am not telling him that I should be?

That you will take your business elsewhere if you can't get what you need from the present firm?

Or alternately, to sit down and shut up. What would he think about submitting to you? Do you think you could do that? (I have often played out my own fantasies on other people's bodies.)

 

[s7724]

This was the whole reason why I looked for a Dom online, wel not to get a flogging just his opinions. I thought I had been getting it all wrong in my head. Now I want to be flogged and such more by him but it has not gone well as you know from my post.

He's a man's man so he says and gets annoyed when I ask for more now so telling asking him to submit to me would be an issue.

 

[bhndblueyes88]

This was the whole reason why I looked for a Dom online, wel not to get a flogging just his opinions. I thought I had been getting it all wrong in my head. Now I want to be flogged and such more by him but it has not gone well as you know from my post.

He's a man's man so he says and gets annoyed when I ask for more now so telling asking him to submit to me would be an issue.

*ponder* so, thought. Do you need him to be more a DOM or a TOP? As in, do you need the psychological aspect of being controlled, or the physical stimulation of being flogged? Or both?

The reason why I ask, is that I'm getting the impression he pretty much just wants to do things his way in the end, even though he's willing to try. If you enjoy him taking control, you could perhaps try a different track of encouraging him to just be more forceful/demanding/whatever-works of what he ALREADY wants/does. So not necessarily a "change" just an...amplification?

Obviously, if its the physical stimulation you need, this won't really help. But if thinking "It's not what I want, he's controlling me for HIS pleasure" does it for you, maybe try? Not saying you should give up what you want AT ALL. Just that if that sort of thing is ALSO what you want, it might be a better baby step?

I don't really know...it's just an idea. Stella, Netzach or someone else could probably tell you if it's worth a grain of salt at all