Trapped...Confused

[Bystander]

OK so you're not into BDSM. Big deal. Unless she's forcing you into partaking in a BDSM encounter I fail to see the problem. Obviously you're not some kind of a religious nut which since you're active on a sex-board.

Jeez man get over it. Many couples go their lives without telling each other their fantasies. The fact that she shared it with you shows a high level of trust you should appreciate. Man up and let her know you're not really into that stuff and right after give her the fucking of her life the vanilla way.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

I don't disagree with a lot of this personally, but it's pretty harsh and presumptuous, no?

I guess I'm trying to look at it from the side of someone who was taught WIITWD and anything but vanilla is disgusting and wrong. Perhaps they still have a church, family and friends who reinforce the depravity of our kinks on a regular basis. And in that regard, I can kind of see how a person could flip out if they learned their spouse was that kind of person, into those sick things. After all, some people do equate our kinks to the things we consider seriously hard limits and completely repugnant.

I don't know how much, if any, of this applies to the OP, but people usually don't judge and go off the deep end like he has without a lot of indoctrination against differences and kinks. Perhaps he just had the misfortune of being in an intolerant environment and hasn't figured a way out of it yet.

At any rate, I don't think berating and insulting him for his beliefs will help him open up or be more tolerant of his wife or anyone else.

It just angered me that there was no remorse or culpability in his posts. He seems to think he's entirely justified in divorcing her when she's still committed to the marriage and their kids. He's only concerned about how he feels about things and how he is affected by those feelings. It's immature and I called him on it. I can understand a conservative upbringing, hell, I had one myself. If he was on here using the strongest terms to express his utter revulsion I would understand. It's the way he has just completely stopped giving a shit about her as a partner and lover that pisses me off.

These are his feelings, sure but he has to man up and own them rather than hide behind them or use them as an excuse to divorce a woman he maybe just isn't crazy about any more. 'I love my wife/husband but' is something we hear so often here and yet she hasn't betrayed his trust or their marriage at all. He's the perpetrator of all this angst and he should admit that before he trashes a marriage and family, with her as a scapegoat.

 

[simplegirl]

Curious question -

Do you know *specifically* that her interest in BDSM is the bolded bit above?

Not everyone interested in BDSM is into bondage.
Not everyone interested in BDSM is into sadism.
Not everyone interested BDSM is into masochism.
Etc, etc, etc.

Has either one of you in a fit of passion [while making love] held/pinned the other down? Scratched a back? Nibbled? Spoken authoritatively while in bed?

On some level, that is playing with power... and playing with power is the barest bones of BDSM.

This is soooo true. What aspect of BDSM is she fantasizing about? Are you sure it's about her dominating you, or about being dominated? Educate yourself about BDSM before you cast judgement. It's not all whips and chains. Ask yourself why the idea is causing such a knee-jerk reaction. Do you think she's sick, twisted, perverse? Or do you think you're not enough for her? That she's rejecting you and "normal" sex?

What's truly at the heart of your reaction?

And, I have to admit, I have a real hard time understanding your reaction. I love my husband unconditionally. He has kinks and so do I. Do we indulge in all of them? No. We respect each other enough to say "OK, I get you're into that...I'm not" and let it go. Just because you have a kink doesn't mean you have to have it fulfilled.

Understand that this is YOUR hangup. You owe your wife a serious apology for rejecting her when she shared a very intimate, very vulnerable side of herself with you. You may not agree with her kink, but realize that nevertheless, you should respect her enough to realize that you betrayed her trust in you.

I also agree with the others. Marriage councelling or a sexologist would help you understand the heart of the matter.

Do you love her enough to want to save the marriage?

Best of luck to you both.

 

[bareman]

You're whining about being offended by your wife's sexual tastes but you seem to have given no thought to how much your total rejection of her and even the sex you used to share must be hurting her. Why should she be penalised like this for opening up to you and trusting you with the darkest corner of her heart?


I've deleted a large portion of this quote, because I think it was a bit harsh, but this first part absolutely struck the nail on the head for me. If your wife has been acting on her desires, I can understand how you would feel the way you've expressed, but if simply telling you a fantasy has had this effect, I believe you've totally over-reacted and owe her a huge apology.

From personal experience I can tell you that the most devastating moment of my married life (emotionally speaking) came when I revealed a fantasy to my wife and her reaction to it was to look at me with pure disgust written all over her face. She looked at me as if I was something she had stepped in and needed to scrape off her shoe. I sincerely hope you did not react in this manner, because you can't un-ring a bell. After that, it will always be there for her, and she will never trust you as completely again.

************************
From Cutie Mouse:
Curious question -

Do you know *specifically* that her interest in BDSM is the bolded bit above?

Not everyone interested in BDSM is into bondage.
Not everyone interested in BDSM is into sadism.
Not everyone interested BDSM is into masochism.
Etc, etc, etc.

Has either one of you in a fit of passion [while making love] held/pinned the other down? Scratched a back? Nibbled? Spoken authoritatively while in bed?

On some level, that is playing with power... and playing with power is the barest bones of BDSM.

*************************

She poses another great question. Did she tell you specifically she is interested in inflicting pain? It is entirely possible she may just be interested in being in control...the tone of your posts suggest that you may be a bit of a control freak (pardon me if I am mistaken here...just the impression I got), and maybe she needs the freedom to take the reins a bit in the bedroom.

At any rate, I wish the best for both of you and your family, whatever path you wind up taking.

 

[Noor]

Curious question -

Do you know *specifically* that her interest in BDSM is the bolded bit above?

Not everyone interested in BDSM is into bondage.
Not everyone interested in BDSM is into sadism.
Not everyone interested BDSM is into masochism.
Etc, etc, etc.

Has either one of you in a fit of passion [while making love] held/pinned the other down? Scratched a back? Nibbled? Spoken authoritatively while in bed?

On some level, that is playing with power... and playing with power is the barest bones of BDSM.

Exactly what I was thinking!

Also people can have fantasies that don't hold up in reality.

A typical fantasy that is usually turns out pretty horrible in reality is having sex on the beach as the tide comes in like the scene in "From here to Eternity"

I am also shocked that anyone would react this way to their spouse telling them a fantasy. Is she demanding you explore this fantasy with her?

Does she know you are on lit?

I don't get why mere words would have such an effect on your desire for her.

In most sexual interactions there is a power dynamic of some sort that often goes back and forth between partners. From what you wrote it sounds like you think she is the one who does the tying, whipping, causing pain in her fantasy. Is it because her desires are contrary to the power dynamic your sexual relationship had until you pulled away from her?

 

[Lady_Fiona]

You sure you are not my husband?

I married 7 years ago, if I had my time again, I wouldn't. We have a son, hes wonderful. My husband is so vanilla he is almost a bloody ice cream. He refuses, yes REFUSES to acknowledge any part of my sexual preferences. I am bi, he won't acknowledge that, I am sub, nope no can do. I like some BDSM, that will send me to Hades. Oral? Fine as long as its performed on him. Moans and groans? Forget it the neighbours might hear. He knew I wrote before he married me, he read them, got the ring on my finger and never read one again. If he read them, he knew what I liked and never never gave any indication that he was not ok with it. Ring on the finger, it was as though he expected me to erase my likes and be the good little wife. Well you know what? they are still there and always will be.

I have tried to speak to him on many occasions, he just dismisses me and walks away. Do I love him? I cherish him, as a friend and as father to our child but no I dont and am not in love with him anymore. Does he love me? Without question. If I walk out or throw him out (and yes sometimes it does get that bad in my mind) he will move back to his home which is over 500 miles away. I can't do that to our son, he would not come down often enough, our son adores both of us and we make his life as perfect as we can so although it is a case of staying together for the sake of the children its not got to the point where every word between us is nasty, far from it.

If he acknowledged 'me' then he would not like it in any way, shape or form. So he lives with his ideal, unfortunately his ideal is getting very frustrated.

So.....

If what your wife does or likes sickens you, move on. Living in a stale relationship will take its toll on both of you, she deserves more respect than that but thats just my view. I know it sounds rich coming after what I have just typed but funnily enough its like finally getting through to my husband. Your wife is simply saying, this is me, the real me. Personallly if I were her I would say, learn to deal with it.

 

[Joshuajj]

I know I opened myself up for this, and I thank all of you for your thoughtful responses to date.

I wish to elaborate on a few points, and attempt to answer to a few others.

Sweet Erika:

I am unclear why I should have to accept the fact that in order to truly fulfill my wife's desires, that I should be willing to share her with others. I did not marry her with the idea or desire of sharing. I married her (and presumably she married me) because we believed we fulfilled each others every needs and desires.

This change in our physical relationship is not like a switch has been turned off. For many years, our physical relationship has suffered and has been on a very constant decline. Up until recently, it has been her who had little interest in me or in sex, not the other way around. We worked on this for some time, and this revelation is actually a result of us trying to get to the root of our problems.

The first paragraph not withstanding, we have had some discussions indirectly on the topic of something physical outside of our marriage. I believe she is ok with the concept of sex with another, but feelings are completely off limits. Maybe she can do that, but I know I am not capable of a physical relationship without the associated feelings.

Regarding our relationship in front of the children, we are in general quite affectionate around them and on our own for that matter. We engage in hand holding, kissing, etc. I do not believe there is a risk of them not having a good role model in our relationship.

Velvet:

I appreciate your directness and frankness, but your opinions are without the benefit of a full understanding of the circumstances and facts. I have not told her or let on to her that I am feeling this way as a result of her being honest with me about all of this. Does she suspect it to be an issue? Maybe, probably, but it is not my desire or intent for her to be regretful nor do I wish for her to be. The fact remains, however, that my feelings are what they are. Beliefs and passions are a constant and are core to each individual. They do not change over time, and mine will not.

Regarding divorce, you mischaracterized me a bit. If I truly felt justified in it, I would have proceeded that direction. I do not feel justified in it...which is why this is such a struggle for me. I am certainly remorseful, and I am struggling with this greatly. If I 'did not give a shit about her' I would not care enough to open myself up to this in the first place.

Cutie:

I have spent considerable time researching BDSM and what it is about. My wife is a 'top'. It is about the power for her. For me, the power issue is not the problem, it is the 'let me put your balls in a ball crusher', or 'I want to fuck you in the ass with a strap-on' ideas that bother me. This is what turns her on the most and gets her excited. What I have (am comfortable and willing) to offer is nothing close to that. The few times we have recently had physical relations have been difficult and seemingly forced. She does not appear to live in the moment or be with me so much as she is thinking about what she desires the most as a means to simply reach an orgasm.

To all, many thanks. There is a lot of good advice and insight here. I appreciate the fact that all of you took some time to reply to this and offer your guidance. I will update when there is something to update with.

 

[SweetErika]

I am unclear why I should have to accept the fact that in order to truly fulfill my wife's desires, that I should be willing to share her with others. I did not marry her with the idea or desire of sharing. I married her (and presumably she married me) because we believed we fulfilled each others every needs and desires.

You don't have to accept or do anything.

However, if you want to move past this point, your options are pretty much limited to finding common ground, supporting her in getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere, or ending the marriage.

If you want to stay where you are, keep thinking that you shouldn't "share" her because you both signed up for complete monogamy in the beginning.

People discover who they truly are and change over time. And no one fulfills another's every desire and need (if they did, there'd be no want or need for friends, family, separate interests, etc.). Clearly you aren't fulfilling her need for kink, and she's not fulfilling your need for strictly vanilla sex. That's the situation now; your previous ideals are irrelevant. Work from the present and into the future, not from the past. Well, unless you want to just throw your hands up and say, "You're not the person I thought I married, so I'm leaving you!"

This change in our physical relationship is not like a switch has been turned off. For many years, our physical relationship has suffered and has been on a very constant decline. Up until recently, it has been her who had little interest in me or in sex, not the other way around. We worked on this for some time, and this revelation is actually a result of us trying to get to the root of our problems.

I'm sure that has A LOT to do with your current situation.

Is it possible that some part of you (no matter how seemingly tiny or buried) is trying to punish her for her lack of sexual interest in the past?

I have not told her or let on to her that I am feeling this way as a result of her being honest with me about all of this. Does she suspect it to be an issue? Maybe, probably, but it is not my desire or intent for her to be regretful nor do I wish for her to be. The fact remains, however, that my feelings are what they are. Beliefs and passions are a constant and are core to each individual. They do not change over time, and mine will not.

How long are you planning on keeping your feelings under wraps? I mean, what's the point in doing so if you're so positive they'll never change?

Beliefs and passions DO change, by the way. I'm not sure why you think they don't because there's an abundance of evidence that they do. Perhaps you're just not open to your beliefs and passions changing. If that's true, you might want to reconsider because that philosophy is a great way to stunt personal growth and harm relationships.

I have spent considerable time researching BDSM and what it is about. My wife is a 'top'. It is about the power for her. For me, the power issue is not the problem, it is the 'let me put your balls in a ball crusher', or 'I want to fuck you in the ass with a strap-on' ideas that bother me. This is what turns her on the most and gets her excited.

She actually said she wanted to crush your balls and fuck your ass? And that those were what excited her most?

Or is that what you're assuming, based on what you've read?

She does not appear to live in the moment or be with me so much as she is thinking about what she desires the most as a means to simply reach an orgasm.

Have you talked with her about what was going through her mind during those times?

What about what you are willing to try? Have you sought to find some common ground by talking and going through a checklist?

 

[shiny5437]

It is about the power for her. For me, the power issue is not the problem, it is the 'let me put your balls in a ball crusher', or 'I want to fuck you in the ass with a strap-on' ideas that bother me. This is what turns her on the most and gets her excited. What I have (am comfortable and willing) to offer is nothing close to that.

Putting aside everything everyone else has said, what's the absolute worse that could happen if you give these things a go in the privacy of your bedroom? I don't think your wife wants to physically injure you. It sounds like your on the verge of a big marriage win if you could swallow your pride and give it a bash. Who knows, you might get into it yourself.

On the other hand, I'm also wondering how this board would be reacting if this post was from a woman who's husband was trying to force her into doing something she didn't want to do? Although she isn't 'strictly' forcing you into this but I get the feeling you don't feel as if you have a lot of options.

Bottom line is - life's too short.

 

[Corianne]

It's possible to have an amicable divorce and remain as neighbors so you could see the kinds all the time...?

If all efforts fail - I would hope you and your wife could have an amicable divorce as sunandshadow pointed out.

You say that your wife wants to top, and fuck you in the ass with a dildo, put your balls in a ball crusher. I'm assuming she told you this specifically as examples of the thoughts she has that turn her on?

I put myself in your shoes, imagining being in a relationship for a long time and then my partner telling me he wanted to dominate me. I know that unfortunately for the two of us, that simply would not work for me. It would be a hard blow to hear that, knowing that as much as I love him, I just couldn't be the bottom to his top.

I think you already know what your direction will be, but it sounds like you're talking it through, hearing possible options here, and thinking whether you could do them or not. I know some people here have vanilla marriages, and then find the outlet they crave for different desires (with full knowlege and approval of spouse) with another. That works for some, for others it would not.

If you feel the sexual differences are not resolvable, I would urge you to consider a trial separation, attempting to live next door or down the street from your spouse, and letting the children move freely between your two homes. It can be done, if both partners want it to be so.
[

 

[simplegirl]

My apologies Joshuajj. With your elaboration, the situation makes alot more sense.

There's still (in my mind) an integral part of the puzzle remaining. How does a person move from vanilla to "ball crushing" BDSM? It sounds something akin to wanting to eat 3 alarm chili without ever having so much as put pepper on your food. There's certainly an evolution there that's missing. Was she into BDSM (practice it) before she met you? Has she been witholding this aspect of herself all of this time?

Certainly a sexologist might be a good place to start.

Best of luck to both of you. You are certainly not in an easy situation.

 

[Joshuajj]

Simplegirl:

Your question is an interesting one. I do not know how that change occurs, but I suspect it did not. She has always been difficult to please physically. I love, crave, to please a woman, so I did whatever I could over the years, but she has always been an exercise in perseverance (and I mean this in the way of fulfilling her physical needs and bringing her to an orgasmic conclusion). I am not sure she understood, knew, or was willing to admit her true nature for a very long time. She had a very conservative upbringing...so I have no doubt she has struggled with this as well. For this and many other reasons, I do not wish to make it harder, but I agree, I am sure that I have.

For the rest of you, fucking in the ass with a strap on and ball crushing are explicit desires, not my interpretation of what she wishes. She has told me this.

At the end of the day, there is some truth in the notion that if I loved her as deeply as I say that I do, then I love her unconditionally. The reality I am being forced to come to grips with is the fact that maybe many of you are right, I have simply fallen out of love with her...or worse yet (in my mind anyway), I never truly loved her.

The fact remains, however, that after all she has contributed to this marriage and to our family, she deserves to be taken care of, not punished for finally realizing who she really is. I do not know how to balance the two...I do not know how to fulfill her and me at the same time without one of us being hurt deeply.

All of you are awesome. I am not so backwaters as I must come across. I very much enjoy and appreciate the many varied points of view all of you have offered. I suppose I am, to some extent, more old fashioned than I thought I was. I will need to figure out how to deal with that.

Thanks again. I truly appreciate what I have heard.

 

[NightL]

You are selfish bore... totally...

Give her a little of what she wants and you will get your warm cuddles after. Simple. Or start with the warm cuddles and you may warm into it a little.

You are punishing her already keeping your distance... you are already on the way to the "D" in BDSM.

Look at some of the bondage threads... get some ideas on rope techniques... tie her up and just walk around her doing your usual nothing... Now you are half way there... spank her bottom for having such naughty thoughts... You will be nearly there... then fuck her before the ropes come off with your eyes tightly shut while thinking your pure thoughts. You might just get a little bit angry at how dare she be so selfish as to humiliate you in such a way by forcing you into such depraved sexual acts and you fuck her a little harder. Then gently take the ropes off... you may just then get the biggest amount of vanilla sex in your life.

Am I being sarcastic here...? That is for you to decide...

Do you love your wife less because she asks you to take out the garbage...? do the laundry or wash her car...? I doubt it... you will do these things out of respect and love.

If you respect her and truly love her... just listen to her... ask her to step by step talk through what she would like... let her talk through a fantasy... and just listen for once. Chances are, even if you allow her that, you will have some nice vanilla sex afterwards.

Stop being so bloody boring... you are going to stuff up everything, absolutely everything and everyone including your children, if you just don't make a little effort. By the way, you most certainly do not have a "wonderful family". You are not listening to your wife... I doubt she smiles often... you sound like a total selfish bore and I can't imagine you smiling at all. Children need smiling parents otherwise they will be miserable or worse, turn into selfish beings who whine at the thought of just giving a little.

No apologies

 

[SweetErika]

How is doing the exact opposite of what she wants being a good listener?

She says dominating others turns her crank, so he should dominate her? What kind of sense does that make?

 

[Joshuajj]

Ummm...thank you NightL for sharing probably the least constructive advice I have yet to read on this site.

 

[NightL]

From post #12 "To be specific, she is into BDSM."

and yes I was being sarcastic... because he is turning something very simple into a me me thing...

I would jump through hoops on fire for my partner... and I'm not fond of getting burnt... but I love her. Listening to and respecting the needs of each other brings big smiles to our faces.

 

[pplwatching]

Hi

As a big fan of marriage and commitment myself, I commend you for trying to get your arms around this and keep your marriage intact. A healthy, thriving, marriage is not only a wonderful place to be; It is more resistent to problems including infidelity. Sex is a major part of that. I think it's important to try to find the middle ground, but I don't think it's a matter of negotation.

The challenge is how to have a vibrant sex life when you and your wife are not on the same page with respect to what's fun. I think that it would help if you could find a way to think of this as an opportunity to learn and grow closer to your wife, rather than looking at it as simply submitting to sex acts that you don't find appealing. Understanding how to work with what makes our partners tick sexually is always a good thing in a marriage.

A part of the solution may be learning that the thrill of bringing your wife sexual pleasure can be just as rewarding even if you're doing things that you don't ordinarly find rewarding for yourself. That doesn't mean gritting your teeth and bearing pain. It just means finding out what works for both of you in the context of her being dominate sexually.

I don't think looking at this as a menu of sexual acts is helping anyone. A good first start would be to talk to her frankly about learning together, rather than jumping in with a list of "need to try's". Attend workshops together if you can, and explore the relationship between power and love / respect together. Give her a chance to be dominant sexually, but let her know that with power comes responsibility. It is up to her to help you explore this kind of play. She is also responsible for your sexual pleasure when she's in control.

Nothing in life is black and white, and you don't have to give up your sexual preferences in favor of hers. Come up with some cues that tell you what kind of sexual session is in store. If she initiates, it's her choice. If you do, it's yours. Or maybe trade off every couple of weeks. I think that the effort you make will encourage her to enjoy more traditional sex as a part of your marriage dynamic.


I think it's important to remember that you just don't know where this will lead. She may find that having you tied up, powerless to resist, and teasing you with threats of ball crushing is the thrill that she needs; not actually inflicting main. She may find it doesn't give her the thrill that she thought it would. There is a lot of pornography out that glamorizes, for lack of a better word, ball crushing and what not. Much of that is made to appeal to men who find that sort of thing erotic. Just because it looks fun doesn't mean she won't feel remorse for causing pain to her best friend.

Good luck. I hope that you find a way to use this to bring your wife closer to you.

 

[bakedbeams]

First and foremost OP, your open and honest replies are commendable. Thank you.

Finally I get where you are coming from. Everyone has NO GO zones, and these need to be respected and honoured. If my SO suddendly dropped an idea like that on me, out of nowhere, I'm sure that my reaction would be that I would feel blindsided too.

From my own background, there are things that I enjoy/love, things I tolerate because it brings my SO pleasure, and things that I am absolutely terrified if he even jokingly hints. Everyone is the same, and those things need to be respected by your partner. Whether she wants to dominate you or not, she has a responsibility to respect, love, encourage and care for you, when she is in that role.

You have intimated that you have been willing to try things that she finds enjoyable in the past. My thoughts are this, to engage in a particular activity the benefit/enjoyment has to be there for you, it has to be greater than the known discomfort/emotions that you would have to overcome/experience if you were to partake in the activity.

What Im saying I guess is that the prize has to be worth the race. If you dont feel that way, then NO you shouldnt do something, and your choice needs to be respected. There is always compromise, where you may agree to go partway in an activity and use a safe word to stop when you start to feel uncomfortable.

My other thoughts are this.... I think that there are things we all would like to do, but for whatever reason, we cant. Whether thats sexual, or in our job, or in public, or as parents... thats life. We just cant always do what we want, we dont stop breathing, we dont wilt and crumble, we dont fall apart, because we cant have our every desire met. We just accept it and get on with life. Marriage is about acceptance and compromise, is your wife being accepting and compromising with respect to you in this??? are you being accepting and compromising with respect to her in this???

 

[NightL]

Ok... I was harsh before...

but really... "I love my wife" & "I have a wonderful family" ...based on that what is wrong with a little role playing even if you are not quite so in to it yourself.

Ask yourself... Am I prepared to leave this relationship...? am I prepared to leave my children (now there is a contentious issue)? ...based on the fact that you are unwilling to give a little.

When things are stressed... we can tend to bite hard... you have not been having sex... this may be OK for you but you also have to realise that it may be driving your wife "nuts"... go back to one of the first posts that simply said "find some middle ground" ...and that means talking and listening.

What means more to you... your somewhat dull ego or your family... and for goodness sake remember a little role playing is not reality... just give a little or you may just lose the lot.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

Simplegirl:

Your question is an interesting one. I do not know how that change occurs, but I suspect it did not. She has always been difficult to please physically. I love, crave, to please a woman, so I did whatever I could over the years, but she has always been an exercise in perseverance (and I mean this in the way of fulfilling her physical needs and bringing her to an orgasmic conclusion). I am not sure she understood, knew, or was willing to admit her true nature for a very long time. She had a very conservative upbringing...so I have no doubt she has struggled with this as well. For this and many other reasons, I do not wish to make it harder, but I agree, I am sure that I have.

For the rest of you, fucking in the ass with a strap on and ball crushing are explicit desires, not my interpretation of what she wishes. She has told me this.

At the end of the day, there is some truth in the notion that if I loved her as deeply as I say that I do, then I love her unconditionally. The reality I am being forced to come to grips with is the fact that maybe many of you are right, I have simply fallen out of love with her...or worse yet (in my mind anyway), I never truly loved her.

The fact remains, however, that after all she has contributed to this marriage and to our family, she deserves to be taken care of, not punished for finally realizing who she really is. I do not know how to balance the two...I do not know how to fulfill her and me at the same time without one of us being hurt deeply.

I apologise for my vitriolic response before. You did come across as a big bigoted and over-resentful to begin with but your posts since then have explained things with far more clarity and depth.

...your options are pretty much limited to finding common ground, supporting her in getting her needs fulfilled elsewhere, or ending the marriage.

This is very true. There's no need for you to dive off the deep end in order to try fulfilling her though. It may be enough for you to just be a little passive and let her take the lead. If that's not going to work for you both, could you maybe open up about a fantasy of your own and compromise with a little quid-pro-quo, interspersed with some nice, normal sex that gets you both going at the same time?

If you do consider opening up the marriage, this can be achieved discreetly. If she vetted and started occasionally seeing a submissive man, you would be able to conduct your own extra-curricular affair free of guilt. These things only ever work if the rest of the marriage is fully functional and both parties are 100% honest with each other. Ground rules are easy to lay down and should be adhered to, it's the trust you have in each other that has to be rock solid here.

Only you can say whether the other aspects of your marriage and your kids' security is worth opening things up. It's a more constructive plan than divorce anyway. I'm also wondering whether the shock of learning what your wife likes sexually will fade in time and allow you to enjoy sex with her again, regardless of whether you include others or not.

There are no easy choices here but about the worst thing you can do is brush this under the carpet and let it fester until you're resentful.

 

[silverwhisper]

joshua, i have one question. you said your wife explicitly thought that using a strap-on or testicle-crushing were desires she expressed. you seem a pretty articulate fellow, but i hope you'll forgive my asking a point of clarification re: that.

when you say those were explicitly-expressed desires, were they things she was fantasizing about, or things that, had you been amenable, would have been underway immediately? i ask b/c i think we're all aware that not all fantasies should be pursued, you know?



my wife is bi, and she has freedom to pursue liaisons with a good friend of ours, whose husband also approves. this does not in any way mean that i love my wife any less. on the contrary, i would argue that for us at least, it's another expression of how much we love one another. i want her to be happy and have the things she wants--and some of those things, i simply can't so i support her seeking them where she can find them.

ed

 

[Joshuajj]

How It Ended Up

With many thanks to all of you for your comments, advice, and even criticism, I wanted to follow up with how everything ended up.

I would like to say that all is well and we will be living happily ever after. Unfortunately, that is not the case. As it turns out, my wife has had some misgivings of her own, and the more we talked through everything, the more obvious it was to both of us that we simply grew apart and had simply not admitted it to ourselves. After such a long relationship, you just never expect that it may actually run its course and end. With kids involved, we spent a long time simply dismissing the idea that we should separate. In the meantime, we grew further apart and became unhappier with each passing year.

We finally came to the conclusion that we were only staying together for the kids, and that simply was not enough. We love each other. We respect each other. She is an amazing woman that has done so much for me and her family. But I am simply not in love with her anymore, and she is not in love with me anymore either. It was a sad conversation when we admitted that to each other, but it was also a relief to actually say it aloud. It was a long and winding path to get to that conversation, but it finally came down to a simple question I asked her one night. I asked her that if we had no children, would she still wish to be married to me. She hesitated long enough for me to already know the answer. When she finally said no, the emotions were overwhelming, especially since the answer was the same for me.

I am not sure exactly how we will navigate this, but we are in the process of separating on a trial basis where the kids and her stay in the house and I move out but come back to spend time with everyone on the weekends. I know it will be difficult to help the kids understand, but I am hopeful that as long as our separation is amicable, we can work together to soften the blow to the children as much as possible and still provide them with a stable, secure upbringing.

It is hard for me to believe that I originally came here to find a way to spice up my marriage and try to revive it, only to be here today writing about it ending. But that is how life happens sometimes.

Again, thanks to all of you.

Bailadora, you have been especially helpful with your insight, kind words, and valuable advice. Thank you...and good luck on your own journey.

 

[VelvetDarkness]

It sounds like you are making the right decision for the right reasons. I hope that everything stays amicable and that you both remain pivotal figures in your kids lives.

It may be premature, but start asking yourself how you would exit the marriage financially. Amicability often disintegrates when a couple get lawyers involved and start discussing money and assets. If your trial separation becomes permanent, try and agree things with her verbally before you allow legal eagles to muddy the waters and encourage either of you to get greedy or vengeful.

Very best wishes

 

[adventursum]

It seems to me like she was using the BDSM as a tool to help get to where inside she knew you should go.

What I mean is that if she was having feelings of unhappiness for a long period of time as you say, then sometimes it is easier to make it your fault rather than just come out and say that I just am not in love with you anymore. But by bringing up something that she knew would distance you and turn you off, then is easier to get to the end.

Unfortunately that doesn't leave anyones feelings spared in the process.
Good Luck in the process of moving forward.

 

[bakedbeams]

Im so very sorry that it has ended in this way. Thank you for letting us know. You have a long and difficult journey ahead of you and honestly you both do need to look at the financial aspects while you are amicable.

Sadly in these situations things can turn 180 degrees very quickly. I admire that you are both putting your children first.

Good Luck.