TPE and Parenting

[Rubyfruit]

I was wondering about this today. If you are in a TPE (24/7) relationship, and have kids, are you worried about the example you're setting for them?

I'm not talking about sex, because children should not be privy to what goes on in mommy and daddy's room anyway, but the other stuff. Children see everything. They would see mommy catering to daddy's every whim for instance. Not something I'd want my daughters or my son to grow up thinking is the norm. Or thinking that mom isn't capable of making decisions or is somehow less important than dad.

Any thoughts?

 

[redelicious]

I don't love this way, so this is theroretical . . .but in a good 24/7 situation I would hope that the Dom/me has and constantly displays respect for their sub. This IS someting I would want my child to see.

Also, hopefully a sub serves their Dom/me not because they have to, but because they WANT to. Another positive example I think.

 

[MissTaken]

I don't ever want my children privy to anything involved with power exchange or D/s. In all likelihood, when they are teens, they may figure out a thing or two. Like you, I don't want to raise them into submission and dominance. If they find it when they are adults, so be it.

I do know people and actually was talking to a Dom who felt that they should observe the power exchange. He went so far as to suggest and arranged marriage for my daughter.

That is when the "Ignore" option on yahoo works well

To each his own, but for my own, they shall not know.

 

[WillowPuss]

I was wondering about this today. If you are in a TPE (24/7) relationship, and have kids, are you worried about the example you're setting for them?

I'm not talking about sex, because children should not be privy to what goes on in mommy and daddy's room anyway, but the other stuff. Children see everything. They would see mommy catering to daddy's every whim for instance. Not something I'd want my daughters or my son to grow up thinking is the norm. Or thinking that mom isn't capable of making decisions or is somehow less important than dad.

Any thoughts?

Robuck and I have two kids.
18 (19 at Christmas) year old boy, and a 16 (17 in March) girl.
We live as close to a 24/7 TPE as we paooibly can.
Neither of us are worried about the example we are setting.

Why?
Well, for one thing, they are teenagers and so often do not see anything they don't want to see ... and as for Mum and Dad actually having sex? At our age? Ohh please! Only the young do that sort of thing, right?

Seriously, though, we are careful about what we do show in front of them.

Defering ... I have always been the type of mother that will say, 'We will have to ask Dad about that' just to ensure he was involved. Before we started on our journey though, that was often just a saying I used - I had often made the decision and just told him about it. Now .. I truly do mean, I will ask Robuck about it. (Relieved a lot of pressure from me!)

Serving ... I always used to serve Robuck before myself - so nothing has changed there. I get Him a drink when I know that his glass/can is almost empty ... but I get one for myself at the same time - so it looks as if I am saving energy.

Ritual and rules - we have devised greeting rituals that have a lot of meaning for us - but look like normal greetings to anyone else. The same with rituals - though the most important ones (for us) take place behind the closed bedroom door.



I am sure there must be other things - just can't think of any right now.
If anyone has any questions, please go ahead and ask ... I will do my best to answer.

 

[Daddyslilpet]

Great question Ruby!

What my children are exposed to is a Dad and Mom that love and respect each other, who also love and respect them. I don't do anything differently today, than I did before entering into the lifestyle. I've always sought His guidance on all decisions big and small. I've always treated him with respect and expected them to do the same for both of us. I've always taken care of their needs as well as my husband's needs before my own. I've always taught my daughter to be independent, yet respect others. I don't have near the difficulties with my children that I've seen other parents have with theirs....not saying mine are perfect little angels because that would be a lie. However, major things like troubles with the law and such, I don't have with mine as we require knowing things about their lives.

Yes I'm in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but I'm also still a mother and wife. What happens in our bedroom behind closed and locked doors is of no concern to my children. I don't feel that I'm in any way, shape or form teaching them this lifestyle.

For example, (and I'll keep it short I promise) the other night at the dinner table my 4 year old decided to say to me "Mom, get me a drink NOW!" To which my husband spoke to him say, "We don't talk to Mommy that way." My husband will not make demands on me in front of the kids, he requests in a respectful manner, more of a "Dear would you mind...." type of thing.

I hope this is what you were looking for. This is how it works in my house.

~smiles~
dixi

edited to add Willow I agree totally, and you beat me to it again...lol

 

[WillowPuss]

Ohhhh - one important thing I left out ....


Until January of this year, I worked. I have always worked. My kids saw me in action. A well adjusted, intelligent woman earning her living.
I also held positions of responsibility - Cub Pack leader, School Governor, and the kids saw this too. (They hated the school Governor bit cos it meant I knew ALL their teachers really well!)


So - they certainly have not grown up with the idea that a woman is of less worth than a man, not necessarily subservient to a man. What I do hope they have learnt is that you can often get things done in a very quiet, unobvious way.

 

[Parklife]

hmm.. never thought about this one before... of course, coming from me, that would a 24/7 relationship in the other direction.. daddy seeing to mommy's every whims, daddy deferring to mommy in important decisions...

I wonder how that would play on a child's mind considering the typical cultural norms they would see in day to day life....

ideally, a TPE relationship for me would not necessarily involve the appearance of one to the outside world (kids included) but then again, this may be my idealist mind fashioning unattainables..


Park~

 

[WillowPuss]

I hope this is what you were looking for. This is how it works in my house.

~smiles~
dixi

edited to add Willow I agree totally, and you beat me to it again...lol

dixi ... if only I had held off another few minutes, it would have saved me an awful lot of typing!

 

[Daddyslilpet]

dixi ... if only I had held off another few minutes, it would have saved me an awful lot of typing!

I was thinking the same thing.....again. LOL!

Oh I should add that I too have worked outside the home in between child 2 and 3. We just decided on our last move that it was better for us financially for me to stay home with the kids, but as that was prior to the D/s that was a mutual agreement.
(Not that a mutual agreement can't happen in a D/s relationship)

~grins~
dixi

 

[Rubyfruit]

Thank you for the wonderful thoughts and insight into this everybody.

Parklife, I'm sorry I didn't include male sub/female domme in my example. This question is open to step families, as well.

Interestingly, although I'm not in a TPE relationship, we do have a traditional marriage in that I am a stay at home mom and homemaker. I do all the cooking, serving, cleaning, laundry, etc.

However, I don't cater to my husband. Meaning, I expect him to put his clothes in the hamper and his dishes in the sink, etc. If I go to the kitchen at night for ice cream, i'll offer to get him some too, but he wouldn't ask me to go get him some if we're both laying in bed.

 

[MsWorthy]

What Willow and Dixi said (I knew I was going to be able to do that with a post from one of them, at some point)

In addition: In my relationship, since we are lesbian, we do not have to worry about sending the message that one gender is more entitled - to service, nurturing, or being supported financially or otherwise - than the other.

The only thing out of the ordinary that the child sees (other than having two female parents ~smiles~) is extraordinary respect (from each of us), nurturing, devotion, and compromise (if my partner is unsure about something, she asks me what I would prefer and we discuss it after I ask her if she has a preference).

What is difficult is the rarity that we are able to express our power exchange overtly and/or play (kids do like to wake/get sick in the middle of the night when you have other plans ). This can be quite frustrating and each partner must be diligent in keeping the PE in mind, else the mundane, scheduled daily life that is focused on the kid(s) needs can lead to staleness, depression (from lack of self-espression), and emotional distance (but then, this can occur in any family with children. It is difficult to keep the *couple* part of the family healthy since children must come first).

~I do not mean to suggest that these qualities are not present in *regular* relationships, just that, in my experience, they are a bit more obvious in our PE relationship~

 

[Marquis]

That was a gret question Rubyfruit, and I enjoyed reading a lot of the answers.

My fiancee and I are both into D/s but would never want our kids to see any of it. It was a very personal and well thought out choice we made, and we feel it would be damaging for a kid to see that as "just the way things are." Besides, our kid will get enough of an impression from society about the inferiority of women without us reinforcing it by letting him see his mother serve me.

 

[navarre]

Willow, dixi, MsWorthy....
You all have saved me a lot of typing as I wholeheartedly agree. I feel that there is no more powerful example we could set for our kids than mutual love and respect going both ways in a relationship.

 

[DRxBlue]

Great question Ruby!

Not being involved in any kind of relationship, you'd think that this might not be be thread that concerns me. But my interest is beyond just curiosity.

i do get a chance to be a "spokeman" for the lifestyle with surprising regularity, and this is a question that would have thrown me for a loop. That's the reason i fell so in love with this forum when i first discovered it.The questions are great, and the answers are straight from reality, honest and ringing with truth.

i especially like the part about "Ritual and rules" in your post, Willow. That kind of special subtext in simple gestures, the invisible telegraphy that only the two of you share is how your two separate worlds infuse each other, adding spice and electricity.

So nice to see you around here more often, Ruby. Beauty, wisdom and curiosity make for a knockout combination. Works for me every time!

In spite of the fact that i won't use this information in my daily life. i'm really enriched by the knowledge.

Ruby, just look how happy you've made my avatar! And Freya keeps me happy in my sig line.

 

[subtledecadence]

Definately a good question....
In O/our day to day life, when the children are around (my son who will be 9 in December, and O/our daughter who just turned 2) I don't believe you would notice anything different from any other "normal" relationship. He and I both work, both share in household chores (He is of the opinion that since I also work outside of the home, expecting me to do ALL the housework would just be ridiculous). That I defer to His judgement might be something the children notice as they grow older, though I believe that in ANY type of relationship one partner is apt to be the one who makes the final decisions. I most definately agree w/ MsWorthy, in that sometimes it is difficult to not be able to express O/ourselves freely, but then again... Sometimes the wait just makes it a little more interesting. Not to mention that much more appreciated.

subtledecadence

 

[Rubyfruit]

Re: Great question Ruby!

Ruby, just look how happy you've made my avatar! And Freya keeps me happy in my sig line.

You are so damn cute. I just want to pinch your chubby little cheeks! *smiles* Where the hell is the most enticing Freya these days?

Thank you for the welcome, DR. Lots of very interesting people over here.

 

[redelicious]

I don't love this way, so this is theroretical . . .but in a good 24/7 situation I would hope that the Dom/me has and constantly displays respect for their sub. This IS someting I would want my child to see.

Also, hopefully a sub serves their Dom/me not because they have to, but because they WANT to. Another positive example I think.

Where I said Love up there - that should read LIVE.

Ah well . . .

 

[Richard49]

For those that ar christians or lean that way you might want to read Proverbs 31

 

[WillowPuss]

Thank you Richard.
She certainly doen't sound like a weak woman!

 

[Soron]

Sprituality

It all has to do with common sense and the spirit of the relationship. If I want my slave to get off of her bottom and go get me a drink she better move her ass in that direction. However, being a Master means doing what's best for her too. If she's been busy all day at work and comes home and cooks me dinner I need to get off of my ass and go get my own drink.
Same with kids and household chores for that matter. Kids need to see their parents treat each other with love and respect. There is plenty of time for the D/s relationship in the bedroom and when you have time alone together.
A slave has a need to serve true, but a Master should have the knowledge to know when that is.
Okay, so how many people did I piss off?

 

[cymbidia]

Re: Sprituality

Okay, so how many people did I piss off?

Not me. I think you make wonderful sense, but then, you always have.

Again, it's good to see you back Soron.
I hope we hear more from you, and more frequently.
More of us then just your special one has missed your steadying presence here.

 

[WillowPuss]

Re: Sprituality

Okay, so how many people did I piss off?

You will get no arguement from Robuck and me.

 

[Little Girl]

I am in a unique position, my Master is currently in the sandbox and won't be home until next month. So we have not been in a position to see how this will work with the children. However, he has full custody of his 2 children a son 11 and a daughter 7 while I share custody of my 13 year old daughter with her dad. We have discussed this issue at length and we both want all three children to develop love and respect for themselves and treat others with respect (providing they earn it). Don is very respectful to me and my daughter as I am to him and his children. We are both in the military and we both have very demanding jobs and we have the utmost respect for one another and the demands that are placed on us at work. We believe we can persue our interest in D/s and still maintain our working relationship and our parenting relationship with our children. I have no fear of my daughters (I have a 20 year old who is married as well) seeing me as weak or even submissive. I am a very strong and independent woman. I spent 12 years in Federal Law Enforcement (6 of those flying Con-Air) and my children if anything think I am stronger then most men they know :smile:

I am sure that as long as we love and respect the kids and don't do anything in front of them that we wouldn't do in a public restraunt they will view us as what we are. Their parents, who have chosen to come together and share their lives and their love for each other and their children with one another......

Now of course the standing joke is how will he explain it if the kids come home from school and want to know why mom is standing in the corner

 

[Rubyfruit]

No argument from me, Soron.

These answers have been terrific. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to share a little bit about your daily life here with us.

I think in any relationship, if both partners are working full-time, the household workload should be split. I don't think that happens very often though. Men today are doing more around the house and with their children than past generations, but it is not equal to the level that women have gone into the workforce.

I've been a homemaker for 7 years and I don't expect my husband to scrub a toilet or make dinner, or anything other than cut the grass and spend some time with his kids, really. It would probably be much the same if I worked a full-time job though.

Am I digressing and rambling?

It's only because I've had little adult contact this last week.

 

[Little Girl]

Well Master and I have agreed that if he were to turn me over his knee in front of my daughters, they would run grab the pom poms and he would have his own personal cheering section "Go Don it's your birthday" and they would probably pay him to get some licks in for them as payback for the butt whippings they took from me