Darla_Darling
You've been Kowalski'd
- Joined
- Jan 17, 2003
- Posts
- 1,920
Don't you hate it when you're reading an otherwise tantalising erotic tale, and you come across a phrase so utterly ridiculous, so unbelievably hackneyed, so outrageously silly, that you become instantly uninterested? Which of you out there has come across any of these horrid little literary no-nos?
***Please understand, that the following is meant entirely for fun. I am not directly quoting any writer in particular, and I am most likely exaggerating in most cases!***
1. "Unnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" or "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!" or "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
When I get to a point in a story in which the author begins to add extraneous letters to non-existent words, it makes me think that perhaps, in a frantic attempt to hide from the reader that the story has no plot, no dialogue, and nothing original to say, these words were inserted to make the story more interesting. Guess what? It didn't work.
2. "Love tunnel", "love pudding", "throbbing manhood", "love shaft", and any other crass, pedestrian, romance-novel euphamism for genitalia.
I just cannot feel aroused while I am cringing.
3. "She was 18 years old, 5'4" with tanned skin, long blonde hair and DD breasts."
To me, this just displays laziness on the part of the writer. Instead of thinking up some clever way to describe this girl, we have an image of her that could have been quoted directly from a police file on a wanted suspect (well. . . maybe not the bit about the tits. . .) Come on, even to say, "She had enormous jugs." is more poetic and interesting!
4. "He walked into the room and immediately started pumping his cock into her!"
Now, just hold back there a minute! How did we get so quickly from point A to point B? Weren't there some stops along the way? I get so disappointed when I read a description like the one above. Isn't the whole point of a sexy story to build tension, to tease us, to make us get to the point where the pressure is building up and we just can't stand it? Where we want to scream "JUST FUCK HER/HIM/IT/THEM ALREADY! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" Don't make it over before I even got started, damn it!
5. "Her ass still had its cherry."
Perhaps my grasp of the English vernacular isn't quite what I thought it was, but isn't the "cherry", so often referred to in porn stories, a synonym for the hymen, a fold of mucous membrane found in the vagina? The author of such a work has some serious need of an anatomy lesson, if they do not realize that the anus does NOT have a hymen.
6. "Oh, I'm cumming!"
I have had my fair share of sexual experiences with a variety of partners, many of whom I would daresay enjoyed themselves. However, I have never heard any of them actually explain to me that they were having an orgasm while it was occurring. I would suggest, not unreasonably, that if someone has to loudly proclaim their climax, that perhaps they are not having a climax at all, but are so bored by the sex that they have to fake satiation merely to get the act of coitus over as quickly as possible!
7. "Her pussy was naturally hairless."
Another in the "genetic abnormality" file. Assuming that we are speaking of a sexually mature adult human female, if she naturally has no pubic hair, she is obviously a sufferer of alopecia universalis, a rare disorder that causes a total lack of body hair.
8. "It's so big!"
If it isn't immediately obvious, and she has to actually SAY it, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
9. "He thrust his penis into her and she immediately orgasmed."
Apart from the fact that it is unlikely to ever happen in real life, it is just damned boring. Of course, it would be nice if it only took me one second to reach climax. . . I would have so much time to do other stuff with my life!
10. "His cock was 26 inches long and ten inches in diameter!"
Excuse me? Has this writer absolutely no concept of human anatomy whatsoever, or did they somehow get inches and millimeters confused? Not to mention the physical impossibility of actually inserting such a genetic abnormality into the orifice of another human being! Hmmm. . . perhaps this sort of misfortunate penile deformation is somehow possible, but only, I believe, in the case of a particularly advanced cancerous tumor of the penis. . . Yawn.
***Please understand, that the following is meant entirely for fun. I am not directly quoting any writer in particular, and I am most likely exaggerating in most cases!***
1. "Unnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" or "Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeee!" or "Ooooooooooooooooooooooooo!"
When I get to a point in a story in which the author begins to add extraneous letters to non-existent words, it makes me think that perhaps, in a frantic attempt to hide from the reader that the story has no plot, no dialogue, and nothing original to say, these words were inserted to make the story more interesting. Guess what? It didn't work.
2. "Love tunnel", "love pudding", "throbbing manhood", "love shaft", and any other crass, pedestrian, romance-novel euphamism for genitalia.
I just cannot feel aroused while I am cringing.
3. "She was 18 years old, 5'4" with tanned skin, long blonde hair and DD breasts."
To me, this just displays laziness on the part of the writer. Instead of thinking up some clever way to describe this girl, we have an image of her that could have been quoted directly from a police file on a wanted suspect (well. . . maybe not the bit about the tits. . .) Come on, even to say, "She had enormous jugs." is more poetic and interesting!
4. "He walked into the room and immediately started pumping his cock into her!"
Now, just hold back there a minute! How did we get so quickly from point A to point B? Weren't there some stops along the way? I get so disappointed when I read a description like the one above. Isn't the whole point of a sexy story to build tension, to tease us, to make us get to the point where the pressure is building up and we just can't stand it? Where we want to scream "JUST FUCK HER/HIM/IT/THEM ALREADY! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!" Don't make it over before I even got started, damn it!
5. "Her ass still had its cherry."
Perhaps my grasp of the English vernacular isn't quite what I thought it was, but isn't the "cherry", so often referred to in porn stories, a synonym for the hymen, a fold of mucous membrane found in the vagina? The author of such a work has some serious need of an anatomy lesson, if they do not realize that the anus does NOT have a hymen.
6. "Oh, I'm cumming!"
I have had my fair share of sexual experiences with a variety of partners, many of whom I would daresay enjoyed themselves. However, I have never heard any of them actually explain to me that they were having an orgasm while it was occurring. I would suggest, not unreasonably, that if someone has to loudly proclaim their climax, that perhaps they are not having a climax at all, but are so bored by the sex that they have to fake satiation merely to get the act of coitus over as quickly as possible!
7. "Her pussy was naturally hairless."
Another in the "genetic abnormality" file. Assuming that we are speaking of a sexually mature adult human female, if she naturally has no pubic hair, she is obviously a sufferer of alopecia universalis, a rare disorder that causes a total lack of body hair.
8. "It's so big!"
If it isn't immediately obvious, and she has to actually SAY it, methinks the lady doth protest too much.
9. "He thrust his penis into her and she immediately orgasmed."
Apart from the fact that it is unlikely to ever happen in real life, it is just damned boring. Of course, it would be nice if it only took me one second to reach climax. . . I would have so much time to do other stuff with my life!
10. "His cock was 26 inches long and ten inches in diameter!"
Excuse me? Has this writer absolutely no concept of human anatomy whatsoever, or did they somehow get inches and millimeters confused? Not to mention the physical impossibility of actually inserting such a genetic abnormality into the orifice of another human being! Hmmm. . . perhaps this sort of misfortunate penile deformation is somehow possible, but only, I believe, in the case of a particularly advanced cancerous tumor of the penis. . . Yawn.
