Too Nice? When do I speak up?

[The JoZ]

Greetings fellow Literoticans...

I turned 18 but not quite 2 months ago, and have lurked around for a while since it's now legal and all that jazz...so please be gentle

Anyway, you all seem pretty helpful, so here's something that's bothered me for a while

Every relationship I've been in has been very one-sided in terms of the physical aspect of them. While I've not been the only one to initiate, say, a make-out session or whatever...I have been the one to go the furthest. I have touched, caressed, kissed, and licked just about everywhere...but in about 4 years of serious dating, all I've ever gotten were a few handjobs, and even those happened, say, a few months ago...

Now...I've always been very shy around women...only recently did I even open up and become more confident in asking them to date me, etc. I have not yet, however, had the confidence to ask any girlfriend of mine to go further than they wanted to. It's always about them...I want them to be happy, and comfortable...and if me giving them multiple orgasms while they left me with blue balls was the ticket, then so it was...

So, how exactly does one go about asking for more pleasure? I mean, I can't envision myself with that whole "Suck my cock, bitch" line or something, unless we were really serious, she'd done it before, etc...I've always had a thing for being the nice guy, and not wanting to offend the girl, or to put her off, etc....but they've always enjoyed what I do to them, so why can't I get a little more in return?

Thoughts? Suggestions? Any help or advice is appreciated

 

[SweetErika]

You can still be nice and generous AND have your needs met. A few possibilities come to mind:
1) The girls you're dating are still girls. They may not be comfortable with their sexuality. They may be inexperienced. It's possible they don't know what to do or are afraid they'll do the wrong thing and you won't like them anymore.

2)It's also possible they're just discovering themselves and are unintentionally forgetting about you...they're so excited to have the pleasure that they forget it's a two way street.

3) You're jumping into the sexual stuff too fast. If you let your relationship develop a little further and really got to know the girl, you'd be able to communicate your needs more easily.

4) You're dating the wrong people. They're so selfish that they don't care about your pleasure.

5) You're appearing so enthusiastic about pleasing them that they think that's where you get your pleasure from.

My solution/what I'd like to hear as a woman? When you're feeling like your needs aren't being met, say something like, "Honey, you're so gorgeous and sexy, and It'd really turn me on if you'd _______ (touch me more, etc.) . " If the woman looks or acts uncomfortable, ask her if she's ok with the sexual act. If she says no, you can gently ask why. If she doesn't know how, take her through it step by step or suggest experimenting together.

If she flat-out says no and doesn't have a reason (not that she has to), accept it and move on. You're with the wrong girl.

 

[WrkHrdPlaHrdr]

You can still be nice and generous AND have your needs met. A few possibilities come to mind:
1) The girls you're dating are still girls. They may not be comfortable with their sexuality. They may be inexperienced. It's possible they don't know what to do or are afraid they'll do the wrong thing and you won't like them anymore.

2)It's also possible they're just discovering themselves and are unintentionally forgetting about you...they're so excited to have the pleasure that they forget it's a two way street.

3) You're jumping into the sexual stuff too fast. If you let your relationship develop a little further and really got to know the girl, you'd be able to communicate your needs more easily.

4) You're dating the wrong people. They're so selfish that they don't care about your pleasure.

5) You're appearing so enthusiastic about pleasing them that they think that's where you get your pleasure from.

My solution/what I'd like to hear as a woman? When you're feeling like your needs aren't being met, say something like, "Honey, you're so gorgeous and sexy, and It'd really turn me on if you'd _______ (touch me more, etc.) . " If the woman looks or acts uncomfortable, ask her if she's ok with the sexual act. If she says no, you can gently ask why. If she doesn't know how, take her through it step by step or suggest experimenting together.

If she flat-out says no and doesn't have a reason (not that she has to), accept it and move on. You're with the wrong girl.

Impressive advise again Sweet....Im impressed.

 

[Missingmeds]

While Sweet has given you excellent advice concerning the girls your age or close to it. Here is my advice as an older woman.

Find an older more experienced woman that you are comfortable with and let her show you what is possible.

Get more comfortable with yourself and your skill level. That confidence will show thru.

 

[intrigued]

I don't think anything can be added to the above posts, or I'd do it! Excellent advice!

 

[SweetErika]

Find an older more experienced woman that you are comfortable with and let her show you what is possible.

Get more comfortable with yourself and your skill level. That confidence will show thru.

Excellent advice, MM! Years ago I was with a much older and very experienced guy. He wasn't that attractive, but his confidence and attitude drew me to him. I knew what I was doing and how to please him, but when he would tell me what he wanted without reservation, it was such a turn on, and I would do anything to make him happy! The echoes of him telling me what to do still get me all hot and bothered!

WrkHrdPlaHrdr, thanks for the compliments! Now if only I could take the advice I give myself...

 

[Noor]

I suspect that you friends are inexperienced and maybe a bit scared.

I think hand jobs will be a lot easier to ask for than oral. A lot safer too.

also something that involves full body contact might get the other person more involved. You needed to get them to reach for you.

if I am standing close being kissed on the lips and fingered, how I can I resist not using my hands as well?

or when watching something like fireworks, feeling his cock get hard when he is standing behind me, pressed against my ass?

I have found taking the other person's hand, guiding it to where I would like it and showing them what I would like with my hand on top of theirs can help.

Another thing that might work, is to get them so excited by pushing them almost to the edge and backing off, several times until they do something to pull you both over the edge.

 

[Missingmeds]

I have found taking the other person's hand, guiding it to where I would like it and showing them what I would like with my hand on top of theirs can help.

I find that is a very good way to show someone what really trips the trigger for me...

Excellent advice Noor.

 

[The JoZ]

Thanks so far for the words of advice...

See, I'll also admit that half of my problem was attributed toward fear...

You always hear about the girls that cry 'rape' and such...it could be a misunderstanding, but if I do something that she doesn't like...that could be all she wrote. I mean, now, it won't bother me as much...I know that if she says "No" to something, I'll stop, no problems...but the fact that I hadn't had any girlfriends till like the past year, plus the horror stories of guys being proverbially fucked in the ass by the legal system just did not bode well for me...

I have also adopted what I, and many others think is a fair credo...that I will no longer jump right in and do everything and anything for her, unless I'm getting something in return...

As far as the older women thing go...I'll be starting college at the end of August or so...so I'm hoping to meet older, more mature women who know how to keep the men in their life pleased...cause I sure know how to keep the ladies pleased...said with the utmost humility

(Oh yeah, thanks for not giving me hell for being young and inexperienced )

 

[ahooohgah]

I have found taking the other person's hand, guiding it to where I would like it and showing them what I would like with my hand on top of theirs can help.

I second what Missingmeds said, and I'd like to add that I find it to be a huge turn on for me, too.

 

[SweetErika]

Thanks so far for the words of advice...

See, I'll also admit that half of my problem was attributed toward fear...

You always hear about the girls that cry 'rape' and such...it could be a misunderstanding, but if I do something that she doesn't like...that could be all she wrote. I mean, now, it won't bother me as much...I know that if she says "No" to something, I'll stop, no problems...but the fact that I hadn't had any girlfriends till like the past year, plus the horror stories of guys being proverbially fucked in the ass by the legal system just did not bode well for me...

JoZ, if you ask the woman to do something, she says no, and you don't persist, it's not rape. If you are participating in sexual activity with a woman who is not drunk or otherwise impaired and both of you are willing to do everything, it's not rape. If you do something she doesn't like and stop when she says no/ stop (or is not responding), it's not rape.

It seems like you're a good guy who respects the wishes of women. As long as you follow the above guidelines and are with semi-normal women, you really have nothing to fear. Everyone's giving you great advice (that won't get you into trouble as long as you stop when she says no), so let go of your fears and take their advice!

 

[Noor]

Thanks so far for the words of advice...

See, I'll also admit that half of my problem was attributed toward fear...

You always hear about the girls that cry 'rape' and such...it could be a misunderstanding, but if I do something that she doesn't like...that could be all she wrote. I mean, now, it won't bother me as much...I know that if she says "No" to something, I'll stop, no problems...but the fact that I hadn't had any girlfriends till like the past year, plus the horror stories of guys being proverbially fucked in the ass by the legal system just did not bode well for me...

My sexual experience up until college had been with a group of very close long time friends so I pretty much knew, as did everyone else in the group, what people wanted or didn't. Anyone new was brought into the group, we were not exclusive but we were fairly wild and free which was an acid test of sorts for new people.

Where I first went to college in 1977, it was standard to ask people before you did anything, later on they actually wrote it down and made it policy in 1991. This has now become the consent section of their Sexual Offense Prevention Policy.

I still, to this day, ask people if I may touch them, is this what you want or is this okay, before I do anything. Also I start small and gauge their reaction, usually by touching their face, or hand.

I also do things that are intimate and not sexual first, like hand holding, back rubs, sleeping beside a person, something that lets me know how comfortable the person is physically with me. I am not interested in sex with someone who is not comfortable with me or is not comfortable being intimate with me in a non-sexual manner. I also never have sex with people who are intoxicated or high.

The other thing is I would recommend is never to remove another persons clothing unless they specifically ask you for help. Ask them to please remove their clothes. I learned this from a pro athlete.

By the way I don't think a "girl's cry of rape" should be taken lightly or in jest. A cry of rape means she felt violated, it is the responsiblity of both sexual partners to see to it that the other does not feel violated in any way.

There is also after care, and I think a lack of this is where some bad feeling from sex occurs (that and people lying their way to get sex). After having sex with someone for the first time, I find it is best to check in with them, make sure they feel okay, send them flowers, a card or somehow let them know that sex with them was special, important, fun, whatever and not just convenient for you. If it was just convenient, you probably shouldn't be having sex with them, unless it was clearly mutual, ie. they explicitly told you this is what they were doing or wanted.

Have a talk about birth control and abortion way before you are even close to naked, I prefer to do this in a public place like restaurant, so my decision on whether to continue is not sway by being in a physically interesting state

The last thing to remember is that pregnancy does happen, the only birth control that is a 100% is abstinence. So when considering a sexual partner, consider also how it might be to be tied to them in some sense by a child for the rest of your life, and financially for the next 19 yrs.

 

[Avery_Chisholm]

You can still be nice and generous AND have your needs met. A few possibilities come to mind:
1) The girls you're dating are still girls. They may not be comfortable with their sexuality. They may be inexperienced. It's possible they don't know what to do or are afraid they'll do the wrong thing and you won't like them anymore.

2)It's also possible they're just discovering themselves and are unintentionally forgetting about you...they're so excited to have the pleasure that they forget it's a two way street.

3) You're jumping into the sexual stuff too fast. If you let your relationship develop a little further and really got to know the girl, you'd be able to communicate your needs more easily.

4) You're dating the wrong people. They're so selfish that they don't care about your pleasure.

5) You're appearing so enthusiastic about pleasing them that they think that's where you get your pleasure from.

My solution/what I'd like to hear as a woman? When you're feeling like your needs aren't being met, say something like, "Honey, you're so gorgeous and sexy, and It'd really turn me on if you'd _______ (touch me more, etc.) . " If the woman looks or acts uncomfortable, ask her if she's ok with the sexual act. If she says no, you can gently ask why. If she doesn't know how, take her through it step by step or suggest experimenting together.

If she flat-out says no and doesn't have a reason (not that she has to), accept it and move on. You're with the wrong girl.

i totally agree, well said

 

[The JoZ]

JoZ, if you ask the woman to do something, she says no, and you don't persist, it's not rape. If you are participating in sexual activity with a woman who is not drunk or otherwise impaired and both of you are willing to do everything, it's not rape. If you do something she doesn't like and stop when she says no/ stop (or is not responding), it's not rape.

It seems like you're a good guy who respects the wishes of women. As long as you follow the above guidelines and are with semi-normal women, you really have nothing to fear. Everyone's giving you great advice (that won't get you into trouble as long as you stop when she says no), so let go of your fears and take their advice!

1) Yeah I know that...but it's hard to get images of young men in orange jumpsuits because they were doing stuff with their girlfriends...I think alot of my fears came from my mother who was constant in reminding me about this sort of thing...she was paranoid about leaving me and any female friend alone, because of said possible reprocussions. Now that I am over 18, that'll be my own problem if it happens...even then...this leads on to

2) Yeah, that's me....see, in addition to fears of being accused of stuff, I was deathly afraid to lose a girlfriend at times....because I've had horrible, horrible luck in getting girlfriends, so I wanted to hold on to whoever I had, because I didn't want to go through what was often a draining process of meeting and connecting with someone else

These days, I don't feel quite a bogged down by those feelings anymore...right now I'm looking at my life as a whole, and having a relationship isn't an all-consuming desire. Sure I want to find that special someone, but if it doesn't happen any time soon, I'll be fine...as long as I can finally get some action, at some point in time

 

[SweetErika]

1) Yeah I know that...but it's hard to get images of young men in orange jumpsuits because they were doing stuff with their girlfriends...I think alot of my fears came from my mother who was constant in reminding me about this sort of thing...she was paranoid about leaving me and any female friend alone, because of said possible reprocussions. Now that I am over 18, that'll be my own problem if it happens...even then...this leads on to

2) Yeah, that's me....see, in addition to fears of being accused of stuff, I was deathly afraid to lose a girlfriend at times....because I've had horrible, horrible luck in getting girlfriends, so I wanted to hold on to whoever I had, because I didn't want to go through what was often a draining process of meeting and connecting with someone else

These days, I don't feel quite a bogged down by those feelings anymore...right now I'm looking at my life as a whole, and having a relationship isn't an all-consuming desire. Sure I want to find that special someone, but if it doesn't happen any time soon, I'll be fine...as long as I can finally get some action, at some point in time

Your mom did a great job...when a woman says no or stop, you'll stop. Good parents warn their kids about potential dangers... bad parents produce children who don't care about others and rapists.

You'll do fine! You have plenty of time to find girls and the right perspective to make it happen. One thing I'd do is seek a little counseling at college. Counseling services on campus are usually free, and they might be able to help you with some of these issues. For example, if you're scared about doing something with a girl, they can be a sounding board for what's right and wrong and give you ways to help communicate with her about what she wants/what's ok.

 

[Phoenix Stone]

Also, just check in with the other person's face occasionally. Not everyone is very verbal, so especially when you are both young and relatively inexperienced, it can be harder for both to communicate their true feelings. And it can be easy for one person to get caught up in the moment and forget that there is a person at the other end of that pussy, or whatever. This happened to someone I know who was having a great time doing something but thought that the girl he was with was certainly the quiet type. Looked up to see that she was lieing there paralyzed with fear. It was clear from the look on her face that she'd Not been enjoying herself. He of course stopped immediately and felt Terrible about it. He was pretty young and excited and was much more careful after that.

What your mom was warning you about sounds like it wasn't 'regular' rape but statuatory rape. Very few women file rape charges lightly or out of revenge or anything else. The rate of unfounded charges is the same for rape as it is for any other charge, like for instance burglary. People do, rarely, make up false burglary claims, for insurance or whatever, but it is Rare. Just like false rape charges.

I don't know the stats on statuatory rape reporting but the difference there is that it doesn't matter if it was consensual or not. If she is underage and you have sex and she tells, you can go to jail. Same thing if you are underage and she's not. (Not sure about if you are Both underage, but since the guy is older, you could probably get in trouble for child abuse.) Anyway, unless your mom is one confused paranoid woman (hey, no offense intended, mine is) this was the only realistic worry you should have, which is gone once she is of legal age, as you are.

 

[SweetErika]

By most estimates, less than 10% of rapes are reported to the police. There are very few false charges in comparison to the number of rapes that occur each year. Some of the reports are regarding "attempted rape", so it's important to pay attention to and take care of your partner's verbal and non-verbal cues as Phoenix said. The police usually ask very specific and personal questions to ensure it's not a false report. Ironically, the fear of not being believed and being traumatized further by reporting it is why most women don't report the assault.

Your mom was adamant about not raising a rapist (statutory or otherwise), and it's quite possible she herself has been raped at some point. I'd rather scare my son and have him err on the side of caution than have him hurt women. She's done her job, so don't worry about it anymore. It's a snowball's chance in hell that a woman you participate in consentual activities with would accuse you of rape, and there's even less of a chance you'd be prosecuted.