Too nasty an ending or just sloppy writing?

[manyeyedhydra]

I suppose it had to happen eventually. Write enough stories where the main character comes to a sticky (in a bad way) end and sooner or later one of them is going to get a kicking in the score department

Not sure why it's this particular effort (although the one comment it's received is very positive):

Interrocution
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=361132

It might be because the female predator is a little more vicious than the usual ones I write about or it might be because I don't know how to spell 'Colombia'.

I'm not too fussed if it got a kicking because it doesn't have a happy ending. I was aiming to tilt the balance more towards horror over eroticism this time round anyway.

Anyway, if anyone can spot any obvious mechanical flaws (grammatical errors, dodgy characterisations) please let me know. I'm still trying to kick out all the bad habits.

Grr, stupid paranoia and insecurity.

thanks

 

[Guest]

Your writing is quite good; you have nothing to worry about on that score. I'll point out that an American convention is to put a period after "Mr." and that there are a few places where some additional commas would enhance readability:

"So what can I do for you Mr Koontz?" Jackson asked.

This would read better as, "So, what can I do for you, Mr Koontz?" Jackson asked.

There are maybe half a dozen occurences like this.

From a characterization standpoint, the only bobble I saw was when Jackson went from a splitting headache and ready to vomit to his usual lecherous self--in 12 lines and about 10 seconds. Seemed unrealistic.

I didn't care much for the story. You build a certain amount of suspense regarding Physalia's role and what she's going to do to Jackson but after

"It feels pleasurable now. The first few ejaculations always are, before the testicles run dry. After the fifth you will start to feel pain. After the tenth you will be in agony. By the twentieth you will be begging me to kill you."

the story proceeds with an inexorability that led me to detach emotionally. There's simply no hope, no ambiguity, no suspense.

Just my USD 1/50th.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Your writing is quite good; you have nothing to worry about on that score. I'll point out that an American convention is to put a period after "Mr." and that there are a few places where some additional commas would enhance readability:



This would read better as, "So, what can I do for you, Mr Koontz?" Jackson asked.

There are maybe half a dozen occurences like this.

From a characterization standpoint, the only bobble I saw was when Jackson went from a splitting headache and ready to vomit to his usual lecherous self--in 12 lines and about 10 seconds. Seemed unrealistic.

I didn't care much for the story. You build a certain amount of suspense regarding Physalia's role and what she's going to do to Jackson but after



the story proceeds with an inexorability that led me to detach emotionally. There's simply no hope, no ambiguity, no suspense.

Just my USD 1/50th.

Ah, the missing comma problem. I'll have to be a bit more careful when I go through my stuff in future.

I wanted some sense of inexorability in how she doesn't change rhythm and he can't stop his body responding even when it switches from pleasure to pain, but it sounds like this section of the story is where it goes flat. The revelation of what he actually did to be there and her transformation should have been sharper points. The lead up might need to be more disguised in that case.

More stuff to think about.

Thanks!

 

[where]

Erotic horror isn't really my thang so I read with some trepidation as I'm a bit squeamish (this forum is broadening my reading if nothing else!). It also means I have nothing to compare it to.

For what it's worth though, I thought it read well, I liked the back story and it wasn't nearly as gory as I had feared.

The two comments left seemed pretty positive to me. Maybe the less positive was either nit picking or they found it wasn't gory or erotic enough perhaps?

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Erotic horror isn't really my thang so I read with some trepidation as I'm a bit squeamish (this forum is broadening my reading if nothing else!). It also means I have nothing to compare it to.

For what it's worth though, I thought it read well, I liked the back story and it wasn't nearly as gory as I had feared.

The two comments left seemed pretty positive to me. Maybe the less positive was either nit picking or they found it wasn't gory or erotic enough perhaps?

Thanks

The two comments I received were very positive. I just saw the score yesterday and had one of those "shit, what did I do wrong with this one?" moments. I should listen to the more sensible people when they mention not to pay too much attention to the scores .

There are always areas for improvement though, and I've found people round here are very insightful when it comes to that.

I don't understand the people that ask for feedback and then throw a hissy fit when someone makes good suggestions on how to improve their stories.

 

[where]

you're welcome My breadth of reading has increased hugely since hanging out here. I may have to try loving wives next :lol:

 

[manyeyedhydra]

you're welcome My breadth of reading has increased hugely since hanging out here. I may have to try loving wives next :lol:

I usually skip straight to the comments for the unintentional humour factor in that section

 

[where]

heh heh, for sure I'm never ever going to post anything in there! My sensibilities are far to sensitive and delicate.

 

[tickledkitty]

This was very well written.

The first part seemed laden with metaphors though. Some of them are good, but it just seemed like too many to me.

Also, Jackson's first thought upon opening his eyes was

Someone needs the services of an interior decorator, he thought. Urgently.

I don't know. Just not really buying that.

Other than that, I didn't see anything noteworthy. Good job.

 

[starrkers]

My only gripe is the victim was so totally clueless that he was in trouble. His dialogue didn't read like false bravado to me, but genuine stupidity. Yet he says at one point something about being scared shitless - it never showed.

Otherwise, I thought it was a good read.

 

[kromen]

a couple things

I think the succubus shouldn't have divulged her intentions so quickly. I would have liked to kept in suspense for a lot longer. Also, the dialouge of the Jackson was more like an executive rather than a low-level earner. I felt he could have been a little scummier. I wished you changed up your methaphors in describing Jackson's pain. The hooks were too repetetive.
Now that i finished browbeating you, I loved the concept. A wonderful idea for an assassin. You brought a clear image of Koontz and the Succubus to my mind. I will be certain to read your other works.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Thanks all.

My only gripe is the victim was so totally clueless that he was in trouble. His dialogue didn't read like false bravado to me, but genuine stupidity. Yet he says at one point something about being scared shitless - it never showed.

You've never met the type that walk through the life with the attitude: "What, bad stuff, happen to me? Impossible?"

There are a few wrinkles with the character I could have done with ironing out though, as pointed out in the other comments.

I initially wanted him to run through a range of emotions that went something like:
"They can't know what I've done and I'm not telling them anything."
"Sweet. They don't know and this is some kind of twisted reward for the other good work I'm done"
"Shit, they do know and I'm fucked"

Somewhere along the way I decided to make the starting section a little more ambiguous and probably made the story a little too shapeless as a result . Simple might have been better here. I should have just stuck to the "I'm in the shit", "No I'm not", "I'm more comprehensibly fucked than I ever could have imagined" twists.

Still learnin'

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I will be certain to read your other works.

Thanks. I hope you enjoy. The other female predators I write about are (mostly) a little more attentive to their victim's pleasure than the succubus here.

 

[where]

My only gripe is the victim was so totally clueless that he was in trouble. His dialogue didn't read like false bravado to me, but genuine stupidity. Yet he says at one point something about being scared shitless - it never showed.

Otherwise, I thought it was a good read.

That's the bit I liked. So arrogant and not at all likable so you didn't mind him literally being fucked to death. Not quite the same as the poor guy Little in the happy ending story you wrote though manyeyed.

One thing about this type of fiction, how would it be taken if genders were reversed and women were getting fucked to death by men?

 

[The_Fractal_King]

One thing about this type of fiction, how would it be taken if genders were reversed and women were getting fucked to death by men?

The writer'd be shot.

 

[where]

The writer'd be shot.

I thought that may be the case But.... what if a woman wrote about a woman being fucked to death?

 

[Lalah]

Well snuff stories aren't that rare on the net, and most of them have a female as the victim...

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I'm not much on Erotic Horror, as usually the stories are neither erotic, nor are they horror stories. And this particular piece did nothing to alter my perception of the genre.

I think there were too many over the top metaphors, and the dialog was ludicrous to point of being cheesey in spots.

The ending was exactly what I was expecting. There was no suspense at all during the story. If I were voting, I would give it a 3 for a just okay story.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

I'm not much on Erotic Horror, as usually the stories are neither erotic, nor are they horror stories. And this particular piece did nothing to alter my perception of the genre.

I think there were too many over the top metaphors, and the dialog was ludicrous to point of being cheesey in spots.

The ending was exactly what I was expecting. There was no suspense at all during the story. If I were voting, I would give it a 3 for a just okay story.

Fair comment. I appreciate your candour.

Someone else brought up the metaphors. Normally I worry about being too sparse and I'm probably overcompensating.

Cheesy dialogue is a hard body blow. The story is meant to be a little overblown (gangsters and demons!), but I should probably show more restraint.

Erotic horror is kind of stuck between provoking competing emotions. Getting them to point in the same direction is hard and most of the time they're just going to cannibalise each other. I find it fun to try though, even if it will only ever really appeal to a niche audience. This effort was probably too flat in places where it should have been punchier, especially for the horror. I'll try and work on that.

I'm curious to know what would alter your perception of the genre, or do you regard it as a lost cause?

Thanks for taking the time to read the story and comment, especially as it was in a genre you wouldn't normally read.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

That's the bit I liked. So arrogant and not at all likable so you didn't mind him literally being fucked to death. Not quite the same as the poor guy Little in the happy ending story you wrote though manyeyed.

Hee hee. It's important to throw in a little cosmic injustice to keep people on their toes

One thing about this type of fiction, how would it be taken if genders were reversed and women were getting fucked to death by men?

I wouldn't feel comfortable writing or reading it. Probably because it's too close to reality, although that's a blatantly sexist attitude on my part.

The sex of the victim or of the person writing the story shouldn't really matter.

I think it would depend more on the tone of the story. In this story a guy gets tied to a chair and tortured to death. Except his torturer happens to have bat wings and he dies by orgasming all his fluids into her vagina. It's too far divorced from reality to be considered snuff.

If you wrote a story describing in great relish a group of guys gang-raping a defenseless girl until she died from internal bleeding, I'm guessing Lit would reject it.

If I changed this story and instead described with great relish a woman flaying a man alive and then killing him by inserting a red hot poker up his ass, I imagine Lit would reject that as well.

Might be wrong though. They seem fairly liberal as long as all the characters are over 18

A girl being fucked to death would probably work if there wasn't overtly graphic or realistic violence inflicted on her. Death by vampire is the obvious cliche, although there are probably more imaginative ways. Someone of either sex could probably write that story and not have to worry about being lynched.

ETA:
I should probably use the word probably less often

 

[starrkers]

My first story here involves a girl and a vampire...

 

[where]

I should probably use the word probably less often

Actually I think it probably depends on your context actually. I actually probably use actually more than probably but I'm not sure I actually care, though probably I should.

 

[where]

My first story here involves a girl and a vampire...

I know

 

[manyeyedhydra]

My first story here involves a girl and a vampire...

...and answers TrulyRedBeauty's question perfectly.

Unless there was a lynching involved you're not telling us about

 

[where]

somehow having the life sucked out of you doesn't seem quite like 'snuff' though does it?

I have a story that is nearly done on my 360 blog and I was toying with the woman dying at the end. I'm just not sure I'm that into sex and death though.