Too much, or not enough?

[Gothinne]

My boyfriend advised me to ask this question here, since there are a lot more experienced people who might have ideas to help. It's about sexual incompatibility.

Whenever we talk on the phone (just about every night, since it's a long distance relationship), it seems like he wants to do something sexual. He's a teenage boy, no kidding, but I'm generally not interested. I'm fine with it once or twice a week, it seems like any other time it's almost boring to me, not that I don't want to be aroused, I just...don't. It really frustrates him, because I always want little over-the-phone kisses and such, which he automatically associates with sex, but he doesn't expect anything more. And it frustrates me, because I feel like as his girlfriend, I have an obligation to please him and I want to please him (he won't let me if I'm not turned on myself).

There's a lot of reasons why I don't get aroused on the same level, not really a matter for this topic though, but I feel like they shouldn't be an issue anymore. Is there any like, simple way to reconcile this? It's been causing some fighting lately, and that really breaks my heart.

 

[bisexplicit]

It is difficult when the amount of sex you want isn't compatible.

However, for you, what you're having isn't actually sex. So, basically, he wants to masturbate daily - and you don't. Why not have him masturbate himself, without you, on the nights he wants it? If he really wants to hear your voice, have him tape one of your previous conversations and he can listen to it.

 

[Gothinne]

Well, that is the issue. It's true, we're not actually having sex, but it seems a lot better when we can hear each other's voices. But recording sounds like a good idea, thanks.

 

[bisexplicit]

To me, what would be the issue, is if he's pressuring you into it.

If he puts an undue amount of pressure on you when you're just over the phone - I'd worry what he'd do in person.

 

[Gothinne]

Oh, no, there's no pressure at all. He's very good about that, I just make myself feel guilty sometimes, but I consider that a leftover result of going from having not-very-nice boyfriends to an actual gentleman.

 

[M's girl]

.....Whenever we talk on the phone (just about every night, since it's a long distance relationship), it seems like he wants to do something sexual. He's a teenage boy.....

To me, it sounds as if you are not quite comfortable with the phone sex in the first place, but you are willing to do it for his sake. You say he is a teenage boy.... are you a teenage girl? Maybe you are a bit older and the way he wants to do the phonesex sounds a bit inmature to you? (Sorry for asking).

Also, my guess is you don't want the phonecalls all to be about sex all the time. You have a long distance relationship and a lot more 'needs' to be discussed between you than 'just' sex, if you want to develop your relationship together. Maybe that is what is bothering you most?

These are just wild guesses on my part, but, also based on experience a bit, this is what I 'tasted' from your first question.

Correct me if I'm wrong!

 

[Gothinne]

Also, my guess is you don't want the phonecalls all to be about sex all the time. You have a long distance relationship and a lot more 'needs' to be discussed between you than 'just' sex, if you want to develop your relationship together. Maybe that is what is bothering you most?

Right...we talk through email and IM, and sometimes I send him letters, but then othertimes I just want to hear his voice before I go to sleep (yes, I'm childish like that). Now it occurs to me that I might want to tell him this.

You say he is a teenage boy.... are you a teenage girl? Maybe you are a bit older and the way he wants to do the phonesex sounds a bit inmature to you? (Sorry for asking).

Yes, you're right...I am a bit older than he is, but it's not the phone sex itself that seems "immature"...just that it's all the freaking time.

 

[eudaemonia]

Frankly, I'd be bored to tears with phone sex each and everytime myself. As *they* say, whatever floats your boat. Once a week with phone sex would be more than plenty in my book.

Try not to pressure yourself into liking what you don't particularly like, cuz it'll screw with your mind.

That said, LDRs suck! Until you can get some realtime love-making do your best. This being a Lit board, what about writing out some of your thoughts or writing some short stories to release some of your sexual tension and keep yourself stoked? You could either e-mail that to him, yourself or both. Or if you're really into drawing out the lusty feelings, put pen to paper. It's a luscious exercise. Just a thot ...

 

[M's girl]

..... but then othertimes I just want to hear his voice before I go to sleep (yes, I'm childish like that).

I don't think that's childish....

.... turning a sweet, late night call of your girlfriend who just needs some TLC into a cheap sex-phone-call, however, DOES sound a bit inmature to me...

Phone sex can be fun, but like with 'real sex' you both need to be in the mood. He needs to understand that, and also that you just want to talk you&him&the world, intead of sex sometimes...

 

[Eilan]

I'm sympathetic to the frustrations that accompany a LDR, even though I've never experienced them firsthand.

I've posted about it in other threads, but sexual incompatibility became a huge issue with my ex and me. There were lots of reasons for this, and only one of them had to do with the sex itself. The rest were outside stressors that caused problems inside the bedroom.

One thing that used to create resentment for me was the fact that our work hours were out of sync. My ex worked in a field where he had what amounted to a split shift; he had to be in the office early in the morning to meet deadlines, his afternoons were somewhat free, and then he'd go back to work later in the evening, usually until at least 11:00 pm (he traveled a lot). I worked during the day and then I came home and took care of the kids and the house and because I was teaching at the time, I almost always brought work home with me. I'd fall into bed at night exhausted, and then my ex would come home, also exhausted but horny as hell.

He worked six days a week, and he had a "hobby" that kept him busy on his day off. I'd rarely see him except at bedtime. I started resenting this because even though we were both working hard, we weren't really spending much awake time together. I felt less like his supposed life partner and more like a blow-up doll, and, frankly, I didn't feel much like having sex.

I guess my point is that I can understand that you might want to be seen as more than just a sexual being/outlet; after all, there's more to a relationship than sex. Perhaps this is less about being incompatible than it is about the fact that you have different expectations about what you should be getting out of this relationship?

Good luck.