Too Much Honesty?

[Bob Peale]

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweatpants I just bought from WalMart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm... wait a minute.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Can I help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.

Wellhung: I'm drying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately - our naked bodies pressing each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?

Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but I can't find it. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: OK, now I'm going to put my...you know ...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: What?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.

Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. Now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!

Sweetheart: (logged off)

 

[WickedEve]

I talked with a guy like wellhung a couple of years ago in a chatroom. His cyber condom broke and he got me virtually pregnant. We talked a few more times online after that so he could pay me chatroom child support.

 

[Cath!]

Bob...

I posted this one about a month ago!

 

[Bob Peale]

Re: Bob...

I posted this one about a month ago!

Oh? Must have missed it

 

[Cath!]

Re: Re: Bob...

Oh? Must have missed it

snooze ya lose, babe! Damn, I love that chest!

 

[Spinoza]

Have you seen this one yet?


I have a confession to make.

I've only had cybersex once.

It's very intimidating stepping into a chatroom when you know that everyone is there has had way more experience than me. They don't say anything of course, but you can tell, they know.

My problem is (big surprise) I can't take it seriously. My initial gut instinct, when people start coming on to me in a virtual sort of way, is to heckle. Can't help it. Part of it is because part of me will never be convinced that the person on the other side of that phone cord is really within 20 years, 150 pounds or even a gender of what they're saying they are, and part of it is that's how I react to seduction in real life as well.

It's true. Aside from the occasional "ohmigod-we-have-to-have-sex-right-now" events, my approach towards foreplay almost always involves silly observations and playful behavior. And, frankly, I have a lot of fun, so I thought I'd share my cybersex tips with all of you.

Smilies and abbreviations - these little buggers really help get your mood and nuances across, and foreplay is no exception. Just look at how they add extra emphasis to these surefire openers:

You are so incredibly beautiful
I love you. rotflmao! I love you.
Keep prepared statements handy - Coming up with good lines can be tough when you're fighting to reach the keyboard and the towel at the same time. I like to keep an open text file so I can cut n paste good suggestions as needed. Be sure to pause a bit before posting each response, don't want to give it away. Be sure to always use different lines on different partners, insofar as you can tell. Warning! Do not open more than one document at a time! This can only lead to confusion.
HOTLUVR> Oh baby i can feel your hands running up my legs
WYYRD> I bring my hands up, barely touching the inner sides of your thighs with my warm fingertips and lightly, lightly, brushing the wispy hair with my thumbs to spread your mysteries as I delve to the treasures within
HOTLUVR> ohmigod i open myself fully 4 you
WYYRD> I smile and catch your eyes, maintaining eye contact as I slowly lower my lips to your hot sweetness. I feast.
HOTLUVR> o jezus thats good i love it
WYYRD> Dear Mom, How's it going? Things are about the same here. That ointment you sent really helped, thanks! How long did it take Dad to clear up when he had this?
HOTLUVR> What???
WYYRD> what? o shit hang on I um I lick something
HOTLUVR> what the hell
WYYRD> BEST FREE TEEN SEX ON THE INTERNET!!! NEW - Tons of Naked Celebrity Pictures!
HOTLUVR has left the chat
WYYRD> shit

Maintain the pace - just as in real life, once things have started, never stop and say "brb".

Be considerate of others - often cybersex happens when you meet someone in a public chatroom and the two of you take it "private". Don't leave your buddies out, surface regularly to provide play-by-plays of what's going on.
WYYRD (whispers to BLKHART)> oh my love oh my god i can feel it building up inside!!!
WYYRD (to ALL)> yeah, she's about there. Hey, anyone here from the east coast?

Go for quality over quantity - look, odds are good you're never gonna last more than 10 minutes in real life even with baseball scores and naked Roseanne fantasies. Why should your chat go that fast? Set aside a good couple of hours, take the time to pick out someone appreciative, and go at it. This is just imagination and typing, people! You don't need recovery time, you don't need lube, you don't even need to bathe first. If you're a guy, give her all the attention she'd never get from you in the same room. If you're a girl, you can take all the inches he says he has and love it!

Learn from others - you can get a quick lesson in how to seduce someone by letting someone seduce you just beforehand. Or even just slightly before, if you can type fast enough. Get two private conversations going and as your seducer sends you passionate convincers, grab 'em and send them along to your seducee. If you could write a java app to do that automatically, you could get a reputation as a demon lover while you were getting a Mountain Dew at the time.

In times of indecision, go tantric - if you're completely stuck for a good line, or if you really really need to go pee or rescue your hash from the dog or stand up and adjust or whatever, go tantric. Takes very little setup.
WYYRD> I pull you up into my lap as I sit zazen
SLUTBNNY> oooh, im a cowgirl! i wrap my arms around your neck and start moving
WYYRD> I hold myself immobile as you sit impaled
SLUTBNNY> yeh i'll just wriggle
WYYRD> I prepare for the total mental and physical immersion of my self which leads to true awareness and a half-hour orgasm
SLUTBNNY> say what? oh yeh, im up for that!
WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (copy this line, at this point you can stretch, scratch yourself, and attend to business)
SLUTBNNY> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (use Ctrl-V on a PC or that little flower thing-V on a Mac to paste this in again, go check the microwave to see if the popcorn's ready yet)
SLUTBNNY> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMo shit im feeling something
WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (check local listings)
SLUTBNNY> MMMMMMMUMMMMMMMUUMMMMMMM its never felt this good MMMMMMMM
WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (go find the remote)
SLUTBUNNY> OMMMMMMMYES! YEAAAAAAAAAAAGOD OH!
WYYRD> OMMMMMMMMMMMMMM HMMM? I smile. Ready to begin now, my love? (watch Battlebots)

 

[Tim1]

Well fine

Leave me like this .....now what? I was all ready with handy wipes and the door was shut. Now I have to hold off until later.