Too dark for Lit?

[sirhugs]

I drafted this biit of doggeel one day when I was especially low. My beta reader thought it might be too dark to submit.

Thoughts?

Lost, a poem

Lost
I’ve lost myself again
It is not what I have lost
It is not where I am lost
It is who I have lost
I have lost myself
again

I have lost others as well
So many others
Perhaps they know where I am
Perhaps if I found them
if they know where I am
they can help me find myself
again

if I found them
but since I am lost
I have lost them
they are lost to me
they are lost from me
I’ve lost myself
again

If you find me
Please return me
for I am lost
lost from love
lost from those who love me
if anybody loves me
they are lost to me
I’ve lost myself
again

 

[TheWorldBuilder]

The universe is made of dark and light. Our writing shouldn't need to be artificially sanitised because a few people can't cope with that truth.

 

[Lyricalli]

I drafted this biit of doggeel one day when I was especially low. My beta reader thought it might be too dark to submit.

Thoughts?

Perhaps it's just a difference of personal perception, or perhaps your beta reader isn't as familiar with the range of poetry that's been submitted to Lit, or that resides in these forums, but this is in no way "too dark" for Lit.

 

[Winter_Fare]

I drafted this biit of doggeel one day when I was especially low. My beta reader thought it might be too dark to submit.

Thoughts?

I can't say I've ever hesitated to share the dark stuff. Write from the heart if you feel dark, write dark. Hugs, brave Sirhugs x

 

[gunhilltrain]

No, its not too dark for Lit. I'm not a poet, so I don't know how non-erotic poems do on this site. (There is a category for Non-Erotic stories of course.) Those, however, are the categories we have to work with here.

 

[sirhugs]

I did submit the poem. It took a while to be approved, but is now up if you want to give feedback, or just vote.
Lost, a poem

 

[ishtat]

I have not submitted much in the past few years but about one third of my stuff concerns madness, depression and various disabilities. Requiem, Bethlehem(Bedlam) and Black Dog, are all examples, but the reactions of readers to two of them, Unheard Unseen and especially Doodle Dandy Walker was so visceral they clearly upset some people, so after DDW I basically stopped submitting this material. I realized that I had never experienced mental health issues myself and that my interest was a maybe little creepy whereas to others it was very real experience which clearly hurt some.

 

[Piscator]

It can be a hard call but I don't consider your poem too dark.

And Kudos to y0u for taking for taking on a topic where Elizabeth Bishop's One Art struck gold.

 

[sirhugs]

was not familiar with that one.
Fortunately (for me) it is not a competition.

 

[Wonderer67]

I rarely hang out on the poetry forums much, but I don’t think your poem is too dark at all.

I have combat related PTSD and one of my ways of getting through really bad times is to write.

I never hang out on the poetry forums much, but I don’t think your poem is too dark at all. I have combat related PTSD and one of my ways of getting through this is to write.

Thank you for sharing it.

I feel mbrassed to post something because I don’t think I’m a good writer.

But I will tell you this, writing has helped me get through the worst times of my life. I went through terrible dark spell and early October and writing got me through it. I’d be a little embarrassed to write my stuff here - feels like bad emo lyrics or Jim Morrison poems or something.

Maybe I’ll hang out more here…

 

[sirhugs]

I rarely hang out on the poetry forums much, but I don’t think your poem is too dark at all.

I have combat related PTSD and one of my ways of getting through really bad times is to write.

I never hang out on the poetry forums much, but I don’t think your poem is too dark at all. I have combat related PTSD and one of my ways of getting through this is to write.

Thank you for sharing it.

I feel mbrassed to post something because I don’t think I’m a good writer.

But I will tell you this, writing has helped me get through the worst times of my life. I went through terrible dark spell and early October and writing got me through it. I’d be a little embarrassed to write my stuff here - feels like bad emo lyrics or Jim Morrison poems or something.

Maybe I’ll hang out more here…

and this is where I encourage you to post something for us to read. I'm betting it will show enough promise keep on trying.
Nothing wrong with Jim Morrison peoms. In nothewr thread, I promote my Paul McCartney sound alike drivel.

 

[Wonderer67]

I’m not sure which thread I should put this in, so I’ll just pop it here.

Thank you for your words of encouragement!

Immolation

I saw burning tanks and personnel carriers while I did my time.
At night through the thermal sight
they looked kind of funny;
like bad video game graphics thru tired eyes.
In the day they didn't look so funny anymore.
I used to keep my wife's latest card or note in my cargo pocket as a good luck charm.
But it kept on reminding me that there were people inside those burning vehicles
and they might have had wives too.

More than anything I didn't want to go like that.
Burning alive means no remains for mommy or for wife.

Now at night, when Major Insomnia Reminds me when the training did not kick in
And whispers “you fuckin pussy.”
When I’m walking laps…
Living room
Dining room
Kitchen
Hallway
Again and again at 328am

Years ago, I dreamt that
I was looking through a brand new pack of baseball cards
With the pictures of dead Iraqis
on the front and their complete major
and minor league stats on the back.

I wake up in this sweaty bed on warm November mornings
late for work again
bitch slapped with war fever, tanks and tears burning behind my eyes.

 

[sirhugs]

interesting. Almost a prose poem. nice (awful) imagery. Don't care for some of the informality ("thru"; capitalizing Reminds). Is that intentional? If so, I for one missed the intended effect. I liked the specificity of 328 am(I know insomnia).

Is it perfect? No. Is it worth posting? sure. Is it too dark? I don't think so, but I'm sick and twisted.
The only way to get better is to write more, and that works best if you then seek feedback.

 

[Wonderer67]

Thanks much for the advice and feedback. I don’t know much about the technicality of poetry and prose, but I think it’s worth learning and finding out more.

This just feels like I’m rambling to me so I don’t care for it much, but I think it was my best one.

 

[Duleigh]

What we were trained to do is not natural by any means of the imagination. I've seen security personnel freak out when he was informed that the bombs I was putting on the airplane were Real Live Nukes. I never faulted him, I faulted his training, he was allowed to think that there was a possibility that there were no "mushrooms" inside those big suppository looking things, but we all have a breaking point. That's what makes us people.

 

[Wonderer67]

What we were trained to do is not natural by any means of the imagination. I've seen security personnel freak out when he was informed that the bombs I was putting on the airplane were Real Live Nukes. I never faulted him, I faulted his training, he was allowed to think that there was a possibility that there were no "mushrooms" inside those big suppository looking things, but we all have a breaking point. That's what makes us people.

Appreciate your words, brother. I will still always feel like I failed. But I’m a couple of beers in.

The training was fine. I didn’t do what I needed to. I think sometimes the enormity and immediacy of something makes us fail as humans.

There will be more firewood to split and stack tomorrow.