Too Black for Baseball

[afroerecto]

Here's a link to my new, interracial "love" story.

https://www.literotica.com/s/too-black-for-baseball

Just for the record, I've never been to a baseball game. In this story, the rear section of the stadium is adults only. I'd appreciate any comments, critical or complimentary.

 

[robertreams]

sounds interesting, but about ne third of your words are unnecessary and add nothing to the story. Check out especially your use f the word, 'that', its overuse use is very common. about 90% of the time a comma will do, or one doesn't need the 'that' at all. Try this:
QUOTE: "He peeked at his long, thick, coal-black penis that was proudly erect and aimed at the sky. The cock was glistening from tip to shaft, sweaty as the rest of his body--that tall, slobby, overweight frame of his that could leak gallons even in cold weather."

He peeked at his coal-black penis, proudly pointing at the sky, long and thick, glistening with sweat from tip to base. . . " See how much better it flows than "that was. . .

 

[afroerecto]

Thanks for the read, I appreciate your time. I'm just trying to get back into writing again and the advice really helps.

 

[sr71plt]

OK, now, I agree with always looking for being able to cut out the extraneous "that." In the example given, I'd only cut out the first "that," though. And beyond that I wouldn't write it as Robert gave it. He misplaced a modifier clause. He has the sky being "long and thick, glistening with sweat from tip to base."

 

[robertreams]

Thanks pilot, I noticed that later too. Also forgive the typos. My first lap top.