Tongue and Body Meet- opinions please

[Loganserotica]

Today is hot but not outside
The heat within her skin does hide
Thoughts of pleasure fill each vein
It's desired so much it drives her insane
A kiss, a touch, or be caressed
Her heart is aching and it is distressed
The gentle breeze crosses her face
It cools her down, but in the wrong place
A cup of water will not cool her flame
It is refreshing but not the same
Her juices flow as she thirsts for more
Then she walks to lock the door
The feel of her hands upon each breast
As chill bumps rush across her chest
Eyes closed shut while desires burn
For sweet release her heart does yearn
Skirt eased off and legs spread wide
To put out what’s melting her from the inside
Finger tips brush up each thigh
As her head tilts back she lets out a sigh
Now between her lips a finger slides
So warm and creamy now it glides
Such relief as satisfaction has began
As her mind drifts off into thoughts of her man
Amazing pleasure runs up her arched spine
With lips spread wide and feet on the bed
She bites her lip and tilts her head
The fire builds up as a roaring blaze
Mind filled with pleasure she drifts into a daze
The pressure and circles on her swollen wet clit
Should put out this fire in just a bit
Hearts beating faster as the fire peaks
Juices running between her cheeks as more does leak
Melted completely as her body does shake
Convulsing, shivering, and uncontrollably does quake
Screams erupt as the fire burns out
Lip is bit hard so she cannot shout
Desire fulfilled as her body does rest
Other than the real thing, this is the best.

 

[HarryHill]

Some good stuff in there Logan, however it should be broken into stanza (I would, and I am one of the lower rung here.) chuck all excess words, file it down to the core thoughts/images. for example:

(It's) desired so much it drives her insane
..
(Her) heart is aching and (it is) distressed

just a few thoughts. welcome to the forum.
..
All of my comments may be disproved during the summer poetry contest

 

[Angeline]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

My opinion is that for me your poem is not "poetic." It's like a series of statements: this happened than that happened then this happened. I've read many, many poems just like it here over the years. And the rhyme is very simple so that I know exactly what to expect. There's no variation and no element of surprise.

You are clearly facile with language and your grammar and spelling are fine (always a big plus for me). If this poem is one you have written to give to someone, it is a fine gift. As poetry goes though it misses the mark. I think if you were to read poetry, any poetry but especially good erotic poetry, and practice writing and trying to improve, you would. One can't write good poetry without first reading and practicing and pushing oneself in new directions. That's just my opinion of course, and if you want support to try to write better poetry you will find it here.



PS Here's an example of what I believe is a good erotic poem.


First Poem for You
By Kim Addonizio

I like to touch your tattoos in complete
darkness, when I can’t see them. I’m sure of
where they are, know by heart the neat
lines of lightning pulsing just above
your nipple, can find, as if by instinct, the blue
swirls of water on your shoulder where a serpent
twists, facing a dragon. When I pull you

to me, taking you until we’re spent
and quiet on the sheets, I love to kiss
the pictures in your skin. They’ll last until
you’re seared to ashes; whatever persists
or turns to pain between us, they will still
be there. Such permanence is terrifying.
So I touch them in the dark; but touch them, trying.

~

 

[Loganserotica]

Thanks

I appreciate the good feedback and definitely something's to consider.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

To write in rhyming couplets you need first to learn about meter. Pushing in words just because they happen to rhyme sounds completely unnatural, forced and robotic. All of which takes practise so I would advise going and checking out The Thread of Forms ........ sorry I've forgotten how to post links so perhaps Angeline or someone can do it for me, but it's a sticky thread at the top of the list of threads

 

[twelveoone]

Some good stuff in there Logan, however it should be broken into stanza (I would, and I am one of the lower rung here.) chuck all excess words, file it down to the core thoughts/images. for example:

(It's) desired so much it drives her insane
..
(Her) heart is aching and (it is) distressed

just a few thoughts. welcome to the forum.
..
All of my comments may be disproved during the summer poetry contest

rung?
shakes head, wrings hands
and rings Tzara'bell

since when are we organizing ourselves into rungs, Harry?
are we not all brothers and sisters of the word?

some of use just may be better slingers

speaking of slingers...

Loganserotica your thank you is admirable, and consideration of advise is advisable

30% of the population recognize a "poem" as a "poem" if it rhymes.
Thus they do.

Most poets look for "other stuff" and see rhyming couplets as a "sign of a new writer"
Rhyme is a death trap for new writers (you'll find out why)

Two cheap and easy tricks are alliteration and assonance (look it up)
Just remember the rule of three, i.e. never carry things too far

 

[Angeline]

rung?
shakes head, wrings hands
and rings Tzara'bell

since when are we organizing ourselves into rungs, Harry?
are we not all brothers and sisters of the word?

some of use just may be better slingers

speaking of slingers...

Loganserotica your thank you is admirable, and consideration of advise is advisable

30% of the population recognize a "poem" as a "poem" if it rhymes.
Thus they do.

Most poets look for "other stuff" and see rhyming couplets as a "sign of a new writer"
Rhyme is a death trap for new writers (you'll find out why)

Two cheap and easy tricks are alliteration and assonance (look it up)
Just remember the rule of three, i.e. never carry things too far

I'm gonna vote against this rung business, too. Everyone's on the learning curve. Everyone writes poems that are triumphs for them and everyone writes poems that sink like stones. I'm in competition with me, that's all. I'm in competition with whatever I think is the best poem I wrote. Even in challenges and contests, I'm competing against me, not you.

 

[HarryHill]

I'm gonna vote against this rung business, too. Everyone's on the learning curve. Everyone writes poems that are triumphs for them and everyone writes poems that sink like stones. I'm in competition with me, that's all. I'm in competition with whatever I think is the best poem I wrote. Even in challenges and contests, I'm competing against me, not you.

exactly, but
My rung is personal; poetry occupies a rung in myself, call it a journeyman's position, 12.
..

twelveoone: since when are we organizing ourselves into rungs, Harry?
are we not all brothers and sisters of the word?...Amen Mr. G.

Most poets look for "other stuff" and see rhyming couplets as a "sign of a new writer"
Rhyme is a death trap for new writers (you'll find out why)

..
pretty much the same for old writers.

 

[butters]

welcome to the forum, loganserotica.

i would say you definitely have something to work with and that, when the time/experience level is right, you will be able to revisit this and pare back the excess. inserting words like 'does' in order to create a requisite pacing makes for clunky reading - there's always scope for the reader to create that space if necessary, or rewrite lines to get around tying up the language into such contrivances.

this, for example, is an ugly line (imo):
Juices running between her cheeks as more does leak

from a woman's pov, it's a bit ewww.

however, the whole is a lot better than many of the new erotic pieces. if i may, i'd suggest breaking the mass of text but sympathetically for an overall more poetic feel rather than the more don't-break-the-flow rap style it has going on. yes, some rap is poetry, most isn't.

once again, welcome and keep writing, keep reading but - most of all - enjoy!