To moan or not to moan

[CeriseNoire]

Well, more precisely, how do you write your moaning?

I'm definitely not a fan of "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn.......", so that one is ruled out.
So far I've been writing I moaned, he whimpered, etc, but I was considering putting an "Ah..." here and there. Your thoughts?

 

[rgraham666]

You might try describing the sound, 'a languorous moan', 'a keening cry', 'an ecstatic wail'.

Do that a lot myself.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You might try describing the sound, 'a languorous moan', 'a keening cry', 'an ecstatic wail'.

Do that a lot myself.

Generally that's true, but like everything else, it depends on the story

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=273838










I get away with a lot of shit

 

[Boxlicker101]

Usually, I just write "she moaned" or "he moaned", without trying for an onomatapoeia. "'Uh! Uh! Uh!' she whimpered, in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy" or similar words, is a phrase that appears fairly often, though. Sometimes she might say "Oooooh" but I don't know if that is exactly a moan. Women do moan in almost every story, and frequently men do too.

 

[Darkniciad]

I tend to describe it, unless it's the very specific "Mmm". That short, sort of hungry little moan just never seems to come out looking right described, except on rare occasions.

I'm in the process of editing out a lot of those vocalizations from my dialogue in older work at the moment. I never knew how cheezy it looked, until I came back to it after not looking at it for a long time *laugh*

My rule of thumb is, that if a vocalization is put into the dialogue, it should be restricted to no more than 3-4 letters. If the sound needs to be longer, I take care of that with narration in place of ( or in addition to ) the dialogue vocals.

 

[CeriseNoire]

Thanks everyone. That was pretty much what I thought. I usually avoid writing in the sound effects, but lately I've been questioning every detail of my work.

 

[Guest]

I end up doing both — the "she moaned" or "he groaned" thing, or "ah, ahh Aaaoooaaaahhh!" stuff, unless there is the impulse to make something special out of a character's expressions during sex. In "Sexual immersion", I have one woman's sounds described as variations of "her childlike cries", because I'm trying to impart a certain vulnerability to her when she gives herself over to (illicit) lovemaking.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

You might try describing the sound, 'a languorous moan', 'a keening cry', 'an ecstatic wail'.

Do that a lot myself.

Yeah, often when you're hanging by your toes from the rafters at midnight! Works well Rob.

I've got a basic rule that sound effects have no place in written stories. If you can't describe the noise, (her piercing cry bisected the night sky like a knife - or some such stuff) just keep it simple. Never, ever use repeated vowels to imitate a shriek - it's tacky writing.

Just my HO.

 

[cloudy]

Never, ever use repeated vowels to imitate a shriek - it's tacky writing.

I agree - it's another back-click trigger.

 

[TruthAndLove]

Well, more precisely, how do you write your moaning?

I'm definitely not a fan of "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn.......", so that one is ruled out.
So far I've been writing I moaned, he whimpered, etc, but I was considering putting an "Ah..." here and there. Your thoughts?

Just so no one thinks its unanimous, I like "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn......." stuff (in addition to descriptions). I think its a handy way to get across the length of time the sound takes relative to other sounds. Throwing in more letters can be used to indicate a longer sound. That helps convey progressive arousal. And to me the "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn......." technique is a better fit for dialogue driven stories.

If the story as a whole is badly written, then using "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn......." instead of describing the sound might make it seem worse; but if the story in every other way is good, then personally I don't think it is harmed by using "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn.......".

 

[cloudy]

Just so no one thinks its unanimous, I like "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn......." stuff (in addition to descriptions). I think its a handy way to get across the length of time the sound takes relative to other sounds. Throwing in more letters can be used to indicate a longer sound. That helps convey progressive arousal. And to me the "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn......." technique is a better fit for dialogue driven stories.

If the story as a whole is badly written, then using "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn......." instead of describing the sound might make it seem worse; but if the story in every other way is good, then personally I don't think it is harmed by using "Aaaaaahhhhhh.... Uhn.......".

Ya think?

Ever read that particular device used anywhere but in bad erotica?

Didn't think so. That should tell you something.

Personally, I think it's lazy. If you can't come up with another way to express it, you have no business writing anything outside of Penthouse Forum.

 

[TruthAndLove]

Ya think?

Ever read that particular device used anywhere but in bad erotica?

Didn't think so. That should tell you something.

Personally, I think it's lazy. If you can't come up with another way to express it, you have no business writing anything outside of Penthouse Forum.

My, my, we certainly are absolutist today, aren't we?

As for good erotica that uses that technique (in addition to using descriptions), I think my own work fits the bill (but I'm biased!)

 

[cloudy]

My, my, we certainly are absolutist today, aren't we?

As for good erotica that uses that technique (in addition to using descriptions), I think my own work fits the bill (but I'm biased!)

I'm always that way, thanks.

I'm not alone in my thinking. It's tacky.

It's good to have confidence in your own work, and I'm not being bitchy, honestly, but are you published anywhere? I am, and several of my friends are. None of us write that way.

I doubt you'll find publishers willing to take work that includes run-on vowels instead of a writer taking the time to actually do some work.

 

[Guest]

Yeah, I can't go that absolutist, either.

Let's take it out of the context of a sex story. A male character has this way of drawing out the expression, "Ohhh Maaaan!" when he gets frustrated while performing some task. I'd be fine with the author sometimes wrting the words out as above — it's no problem to hear them in my head that way. They could also say something like, '"Oh man," Marty vented, drawing the words out.' If I'm rocking with the story, and have been otherwise helped to care about the character, perhaps even beccoming fond of him, then I'm not going to get hung up on some occasionally repeating consonants or vowels. If it's a constant crutch... Well, that's another thing.

 

[cloudy]

Yeah, I can't go that absolutist, either.

Let's take it out of the context of a sex story. A male character has this way of drawing out the expression, "Ohhh Maaaan!" when he gets frustrated while performing some task. I'd be fine with the author sometimes wrting the words out as above — it's no problem to hear them in my head that way. They could also say something like, '"Oh man," Marty vented, drawing the words out.' If I'm rocking with the story, and have been otherwise helped to care about the character, perhaps even beccoming fond of him, then I'm not going to get hung up on some occasionally repeating consonants or vowels. If it's a constant crutch... Well, that's another thing.

But that's just it - it IS a crutch.

Your second example is writing. Your first is just plain laziness.

Personally, and like I said, I'm not even close to being alone on this, I won't even finish a story written with those types of shortcuts, much less give it a vote of 5. To me, it's on a par with "I kiked down the dor, and camed in her fas."

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Actually, Cloudy is absolutly correct. To try and mimic the sound of a moan is lazy and tacky. Actually, it belongs only in the Sunday Comic Strips, not short stoies.

I have seen screams and such on RARE occasions in novels. But even then it is somewhat disconcerting.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Actually, Cloudy is absolutly correct. To try and mimic the sound of a moan is lazy and tacky. Actually, it belongs only in the Sunday Comic Strips, not short stoies.

I have seen screams and such on RARE occasions in novels. But even then it is somewhat disconcerting.

I would have to take exception with you and Cloudy, although I agree that the sound effects should not be overdone. I try to show the reader what is happening, and that includes descriptions and sounds. Consider:

"Oooh!" she moaned, from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

She moaned from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

Or, another example:

"Uh! Uh! Uh!" Kelly whimpered, in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy.

Kelly whimpered in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy.

In both examples, I believe the first line is better than the alternate. That is just my opinion, of course.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I would have to take exception with you and Cloudy, although I agree that the sound effects should not be overdone. I try to show the reader what is happening, and that includes descriptions and sounds. Consider:

"Oooh!" she moaned, from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

She moaned from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

Or, another example:

"Uh! Uh! Uh!" Kelly whimpered, in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy.

Kelly whimpered in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy.

In both examples, I believe the first line is better than the alternate. That is just my opinion, of course.

Those are okay. What I was referring to are the "Ohhhhhhh Gooooood!" lines in stories. They are pretty unnecessary. They always remind of the an Al Capp comic strip I ran across years ago where he had a character with a totall unpronouncable name of about 20 letters. After several weeks he had to leave a note in the strip explaining that the name sounded like a "Rasberry"

 

[Boxlicker101]

Those are okay. What I was referring to are the "Ohhhhhhh Gooooood!" lines in stories. They are pretty unnecessary. They always remind of the an Al Capp comic strip I ran across years ago where he had a character with a totall unpronouncable name of about 20 letters. After several weeks he had to leave a note in the strip explaining that the name sounded like a "Rasberry"

I remember the name quite well. It was Joe Bltsflk, and was unpronounceable. I always pronounced it "Blitsflik" when I read the comic strip. The last name has now become part of the English language, and is described as "unpronounceable".

 

[TruthAndLove]

I would have to take exception with you and Cloudy, although I agree that the sound effects should not be overdone. I try to show the reader what is happening, and that includes descriptions and sounds. Consider:

"Oooh!" she moaned, from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

She moaned from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

Or, another example:

"Uh! Uh! Uh!" Kelly whimpered, in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy.

Kelly whimpered in time with the thrusts of my cock into her pussy.

In both examples, I believe the first line is better than the alternate. That is just my opinion, of course.

I share that opinion. A combination of description and onomatopoeia works best, especially for a dialogue-driven story.

And once you've introduced the sound effects, you can use capital letters and longer/shorter expressions to convey louder and longer/shorter sounds. Here's an extended version of Boxlicker101's example:

"Oooh!" she moaned, from the exquisite pleasure my tongue was giving her.

After another full minute of lapping, the "oooh"s had become deeper "OOhhhhh"s and her hips twisted on the bed.

As she neared climax, her hips arched up from the mattress and her sounds became rapturous, extended songs: "Uuuunnnaaahhh." And when she finally came her voice softened again with a staccato "ah," "ah," "ah," "ah," "ah," which finally trailed off into a quiet exhalation as her body sagged spent and satisfied.

-----

There's also an assumption running through this thead that writing descriptions of oral sounds is hard work but using onomatopoeia is easy: a lazy crutch.

That isn't true. Or, at the least, it is something that is going to very from writer-to-writer. I don't find either one of them particularly hard, but if you put a gun to my head and forced me to choose one as being harder, I'd say using onomatopoeia is harder. Finding the right combination of letters to express a sound that has no matching phonemes in the language is harder than just coming up with an adjective and noun: "keening wail."

Using "lazy" to describe writing makes sense at a macroscopic level. It is lazy to steal a familiar plot or reuse a cliched piece of dialogue. ("Bob! You're home early! This isn't what it looks like.")

But at the level of particular phrases, I don't think I even know what it means to say that one literary device is "lazier" than another.

 

[TruthAndLove]

I'm always that way, thanks.

are you published anywhere?

Yes. But not in erotica which I just started writing nine weeks ago.

You mean there's money to be made in this? Please, spill! I'm all eyes!

 

[cloudy]

Yes. But not in erotica which I just started writing nine weeks ago.

You mean there's money to be made in this? Please, spill! I'm all eyes!

Yes, there is.

Check in the AH, in the thread "Literotica Authors and their Books."

 

[Guest]

I'm going to weigh in here one more time, as I'm still rather conflicted over this. It's useful to hear how one shouldn't make the "Aaahhh!' kind of stuff the default state in writing, but my wariness detectors go on alert when I hear that such devices are ALWAYS nothing but "lazy" or "tacky" writing.

A case of what I'd call "gatekeeper syndrome"? I create professional works in a different medium than writing, and what I see is that every creative medium has it's professional gatekeepers — editors for writing, record company execs for disseminating music, gallery owners for showing art — that kind of thing. People come to realize that certain rules must be followed to get past the gatekeepers, although those rules are often meant to be broken once one is "in".

My erotica writing consists, so far, of mind-control stories. The very heart of mc fiction, IMHO, is the attentive description of the gradual loss of self-control of the one being mc'd. So if I have a character for whom sex goes something like this at the beginning of a tale:

>> Friday night consisted of dinner and sex; braised chicken with wild rice in the dining room, and missionary position with condom in the bedroom. At orgasm, Catherine made certain to keep her expressions of pleasure as soft as a whisper. The walls were too thin in Dorchester Towers, and she couldn't tolerate the thought of neighbors overhearing the sounds she made when she was so vulnerable, and open. <<

So if I have the same character, later in the story, described like this:

>> Catherine couldn't stop her fingers from flicking, and teasing. She couldn't understand it! She didn't do things like this; she was not a masturbator, and especially here, in a public restroom!

She needed to stop. She would stop. Stop!

"Ahhhhhh!" she cried, the first orgasm cutting right through her. She dropped to her knees, her fingers never ceasing their... << yada yada yada.

So you get the point. I might want to use something like that exactly because it IS "tacky" or "inappropriate", because the entire point of the scene is that rules of behavior (and why not my writing behavior, in harmony with that?) are being degraded, or dropping away.

Perhaps no editor would ever let something like that slip by, but then I have to follow those rules "out there" in my Real Life creative work. Here, I really do take pains to create what I hope is a hot and well-written product, but it's more about an opportunity for freedom that might not be available if I cared TOO much.

 

[king_wesley]

It's strange, this is something I thought I dd a lot, but scanning through my stories, apart from one exception where I used "soooo" as bimbo dialogue (which is something fans of bimbification seem to almost expect) the only other example I can find is typing "ZZZZZZZ" as the sound of a phone buzzing.

To me though, usage of Aaaahh! comes down to what you are writing. If it is porn then I think such phrases can be fine (in the same way that not many people I imagine judge a porn film on the dialogue.

However if you are trying to write erotic literature then more rules of writing need to be followed. I suppose until Louis De Bernieres or Yann Martel write a scene where a woman suddenly turns into a raging slut who has loud crazy sex every few paragraphs, it will be quite hard to gauge how classical authors would handle such scenes and events.

 

[cloudy]

it will be quite hard to gauge how classical authors would handle such scenes and events.

Look up an old thread in the AH called "What if they wrote porn."