To Cum Or Not To Cum.....the ins and outs of it all

[catalina_francisco]

Have found my mind drifting a lot this week as I hit this unexpected work frenzy I am in. One of the things I was pondering as I cooked, cleaned, polished, and discarded was the much discussed orgasm......yes, strange thing to think of as you do housework but what better way to speed it up?!! LOL. I was thinking about those precious moments when he takes me over the top, then keeps me humming and purring under his expert touch over and over. What pleasure it brings.

Then my mind switched to the alternative where he might just use my body for his pleasure alone, no foreplay, no sweet words, no tender caress, just raw sexual release for him, nothing for me. I found I loved it just as much, though in a different way, coming from a different place. The former seems to be wrapped in thoughts and emotions of love, gratitude, intimacy, while the latter is utility, cold, and submission to his needs. Anyone care to share their reflections on the two and how they feel about them and their motivation? Any preferences, needs, variations on a common theme?

Catalina

 

[tenacious_rebel]

I think I understand what you are asking. For me it is mood related. Sometimes I like the gift of orgasm and other times I like the no orgasm, being used variety. Both play their part and as you said have their uses. Sometimes I have found the being used scene will bring me close to orgasm though I try to resist unless given permission.

 

[hurtme]

I am used to not having an orgasm during sex anyway...I have onlt been with one person able to do it...my big deal has to do wiht how he talks to me...the colder he is to me...the more i feel like i am just a wrthless fuck to amuse him until he finds something better...and as much as i hate to admit it, i sometiems don't mind that at all...in fact it is kind of nice to just feel like a utility...not to have to worry about him being worried about pleasing you...or making you cum...
then again...I can't take that kind of scene too often...I already have a tendency to get overly paranoid about relationships...and i need that blade to be sheathed in a bit of silk...I need a few tender caresses in between lashes, a few sweet words and kisses to remind me of why I submit...and that i am more to him then just a toy...that we are connecting on a deeper level...

 

[ownedsubgal]

it's rare that it happens (3 times in 3 years to be exact), but i HATE orgasming. it makes me feel so selfish, like i am not completely focused on satisfying the needs and desires of my partner. but i have never had an orgasm from someone actually TRYING to pleasure me, or trying to make me cum. it goes without saying that someone wishing to "get me off" sexually, or physically arouse me, is the biggest of turn-offs for me, so i do not enjoy that kind of sex. fortunately that is not something i ever have to worry about with my Master. i need and crave to be used...used utterly selfishly. the less the focus is on me and what i am feeling, the happier i am.

 

[lark sparrow]

I don't have a preference if it's an intimate relationship - worked up and held off for ages and then cumming, or immediate forced, or worked up and having all that energy geared towards the Dominant in pleasing and serving with no physical release personally. It all pretty much leads down the same road, though variety is a good spice.

If it's not intimate one way or another, then I will more than likely not want or actually have an orgasm no matter but it can be a grand time in the journey without the destination being orgasm in any way, shape or form.

A huge rush to make me orgasm just to make me orgasm quickly is usually a turn off... and if nothing else is returned by a fake orgasm so the little appetite or ego can be satisfied and the pressure can cease. Next...

 

[MissTaken]

it's rare that it happens (3 times in 3 years to be exact), but i HATE orgasming. it makes me feel so selfish, like i am not completely focused on satisfying the needs and desires of my partner. but i have never had an orgasm from someone actually TRYING to pleasure me, or trying to make me cum. it goes without saying that someone wishing to "get me off" sexually, or physically arouse me, is the biggest of turn-offs for me, so i do not enjoy that kind of sex. fortunately that is not something i ever have to worry about with my Master. i need and crave to be used...used utterly selfishly. the less the focus is on me and what i am feeling, the happier i am.

I felt like that for a long time, when subbing. Orgasming was something that I felt almost guilty for having done.

However, it was made very clear to me that a huge part of the Dominant's joy was in controlling that orgasm and that the orgasm must take place to please the Him in question.

 

[MissTaken]

With my guy, there are times when I want him to orgasm and crave it.

Othertimes, my thrill is in controlling and denying that orgasm.

 

[hurtme]

hmmm....faking to save the male ego....I have only done that with...well...every guy i have ever slept with with the exception of one...I have it down to a science, i should give myself a medal

oh baby...oh baby...

see, you couldn't tell that i was faking, could'ja?

 

[catalina_francisco]

Thanks for all the contributions so far. I went through the 'no don't worry about me, I am here to please you' phase too, but as Miss T says, I soon was informed that most Dominants considered it less than obedient and servicing if I dared to try and deny htem the opportunity to bring me to orgasm, or at the very least having it to control. Master certainly draws power from that opportunity and I have learned to oblige him his wish.

Not sure about the faking though. I don't think I would dare even consider it as to him it would be tantamount to lying and being dishonest, not to mention disrespectful of his position in that it would be undermining his rights. Needless to say it would damage the relationship too much and that I will not risk.

Is interesting the way pleasure in itself can be pleasing, but the unspoken act of denying that right to pleasure just by using instead of pleasuring can also lead to immense bliss for some of us. I welcome those times when he may bind me for a night, or even unbound, just take me without warning and without words, just use and feeding his desire.

Catalina

 

[ownedsubgal]

oh gosh, can sooo relate to the faking thing. with vanilla partners in the past, i quickly learned that for quite a few men, they just didn't feel right unless they believed they had made you cum. so i would often fake an orgasm...nothing loud or major, just make a few soft sighs and shiver a little, to appease them. thank goodness those days are over.

i understand that a great deal of Dominants find pleasure in controlling the orgasm of the submissive/slave, but i can't help thinking that it's partially an ego thing...like the desire of those vanilla men in my past to think they got me off. but regardless, i would never deny my Master anything. not even something unpleasant for me, like orgasming. i never try NOT to cum, if i did, then i probably never would have had any orgasms. i just have such a severe mental block against it that my body can rarely relax enough, and my mind can rarely lose itself in itself (in other words, focus on me me me) enough for an orgasm to happen.

 

[catalina_francisco]

i never try NOT to cum, if i did, then i probably never would have had any orgasms. i just have such a severe mental block against it that my body can rarely relax enough, and my mind can rarely lose itself in itself (in other words, focus on me me me) enough for an orgasm to happen.

Though in a way by your hating to orgasm so much aren't you focusing on yourself in that it is your need to not orgasm which you say is preventing it via mental block as opposed to fulfilling a male wishing it for whatever reason, be it ego, desire, power, pleasure, or control? Doesn't it then become a case of exerting your perceptions and beliefs over theirs irrespective of what they as the dominant male may want?

I think for many men it is an ego need to have their partner orgasm, though from the descriptions I have had from most Dominant's it is not always an ego boost as much as a power and control issue. For Master it is knowing he can give or take this from me, the power he draws from my orgasm, and the fact I do not under any circumstance achieve orgasm without his permission.

Catalina

 

[MissTaken]

oh gosh, can sooo relate to the faking thing. with vanilla partners in the past, i quickly learned that for quite a few men, they just didn't feel right unless they believed they had made you cum. so i would often fake an orgasm...nothing loud or major, just make a few soft sighs and shiver a little, to appease them. thank goodness those days are over.

i understand that a great deal of Dominants find pleasure in controlling the orgasm of the submissive/slave, but i can't help thinking that it's partially an ego thing...like the desire of those vanilla men in my past to think they got me off. but regardless, i would never deny my Master anything. not even something unpleasant for me, like orgasming. i never try NOT to cum, if i did, then i probably never would have had any orgasms. i just have such a severe mental block against it that my body can rarely relax enough, and my mind can rarely lose itself in itself (in other words, focus on me me me) enough for an orgasm to happen.

Ego thing or not, your orgasm, your pleasure as well as your pain, suffering, tears, or smiles, belong to Him.

With respect to your last comment, if your Master did wish this sort of control and wanted for you to orgasm, you could try focussing not on your own pleasure, but on how much pleasure it would bring him if you orgasmed.

However, if it is not something He feels is important, that technique wouldn't work.

Then, another thought occurs to me to share concerning the thread topic.

I don't always like to orgasm. It isn't distasteful or unpleasurable, but there are times, when I rather enjoy everything leading to orgasm and not actually cumming. Sometimes it is simply letting go enough to want to expend the extreme energy it takes to orgasm or deal with the laundry the next day! In any event, I have never faked with anyone I cared about, but have had to explain to lovers why I don't want to cum.

 

[ownedsubgal]

Though in a way by your hating to orgasm so much aren't you focusing on yourself in that it is your need to not orgasm which you say is preventing it via mental block as opposed to fulfilling a male wishing it for whatever reason, be it ego, desire, power, pleasure, or control? Doesn't it then become a case of exerting your perceptions and beliefs over theirs irrespective of what they as the dominant male may want?

I think for many men it is an ego need to have their partner orgasm, though from the descriptions I have had from most Dominant's it is not always an ego boost as much as a power and control issue. For Master it is knowing he can give or take this from me, the power he draws from my orgasm, and the fact I do not under any circumstance achieve orgasm without his permission.

Catalina

well again, this makes it sound as if i intentionally try not to orgasm. i do not, especially not with my Master. if i were exerting will and self control in order to prevent cumming then yes i would think that'd be extremely selfish/self-absorbed and highly inappropriate for a submissive much less a slave. it has just been hardwired into my mind at some point in life, somehow, that to have an orgasm is selfish, that to openly express sexual pleasure is selfish, and that it makes me less of a pleasing sexual partner to do those things. even though i have known many men who very much wished to make me cum...i just haven't been able to shake off those ingrained beliefs. i suppose that with time, patience and hard work, i could be "conditioned" out of it, but my Master is not bothered with this "issue" of mine, he likes that i am quiet (no "ooh baby yeah baby"s from me), he likes that i am not begging him to make me cum or let me cum, he likes that my sexual focus is completely on serving and pleasing. He boosts his ego in other ways. if i happen to find some physical pleasure from this serving, then he has no problem...i am to express my gratitude not with a writhing orgasm, but with a simple and polite, "thank you, Sir", or "thank you, Daddy"...and Daddy says that that is sufficient to let a man know i'm physically fulfilled, if a man has a need to know such a thing (whether because of his ego or whatever), or if i wish to express it.

 

[hurtme]

I have faked and faked and faked some more with nilla partners...i remember this one man...who i still speak with...anyway, senario...two friends, bottle of vodka, bit of pot...me, in a vunerable place after a recent breakup...he, who hadn't had a relationship in awhile...try about 3 years...anyway, so one thing leads to another, and i am in his bed, he thinking he is quite the stud....fingering me...except he was so woefully inept...and so i just faked, and faked, and faked...you would have thought he would have gotten the picture, or at least gotten winded after the ninth one (I wouldn't sleep with him cause he didn't have any condoms)...but NO!!! Finally i had to pretend to be so exhausted from the multiple orgasms that i had to sleep...the finny thing is, normally i do it as a gesture of affection, cause i don't want him to think he wasn't good, or that i didn't enjoy it or find him attractive...but with this guy...well, i knew it was a bad idea from the beginning, and i (in my intoxicated state) was just trying to find a way to get him to stop without his feeling bad...so I was faking these really elaborate orgasms...I mean, i should have gotten an oscar...but i think any woman would have known them for fake...
I have never faked with a dom/top...either i tell them straight off that i am not going to cum...or i do orgasm...

 

[catalina_francisco]

well again, this makes it sound as if i intentionally try not to orgasm. i do not, especially not with my Master. if i were exerting will and self control in order to prevent cumming then yes i would think that'd be extremely selfish/self-absorbed and highly inappropriate for a submissive much less a slave. it has just been hardwired into my mind at some point in life, somehow, that to have an orgasm is selfish, that to openly express sexual pleasure is selfish, and that it makes me less of a pleasing sexual partner to do those things. even though i have known many men who very much wished to make me cum...i just haven't been able to shake off those ingrained beliefs. i suppose that with time, patience and hard work, i could be "conditioned" out of it, but my Master is not bothered with this "issue" of mine, he likes that i am quiet (no "ooh baby yeah baby"s from me), he likes that i am not begging him to make me cum or let me cum, he likes that my sexual focus is completely on serving and pleasing. He boosts his ego in other ways. if i happen to find some physical pleasure from this serving, then he has no problem...i am to express my gratitude not with a writhing orgasm, but with a simple and polite, "thank you, Sir", or "thank you, Daddy"...and Daddy says that that is sufficient to let a man know i'm physically fulfilled, if a man has a need to know such a thing (whether because of his ego or whatever), or if i wish to express it.

I don't think it necessarily says you are intentionally trying not to orgasm, more so that you seemingly accept the mental block as a reason and seem prepared to leave it at that. It is not an easy thing to overcome, but is something I have had to do in the past for other reasons, and also as a part of growth. Fortunately your Daddy does not particularly care. Is it really though that you do not try to overcome the mental block because you feel it is not going to please him?

Not all orgasms have to be noisy...mine are silent most times, but he definately knows they are happening. I also do not as a rule ask or beg for release unless he expresses a desire for me to do so. It is not such a negative thing and does give much pleasure with or without male ego involved. I actually see it as a way of pleasing and servicing his needs, not something which is required to stroke his ego...and if it were, where is the problem in letting him know he is a great lover, honouring his touch with a passionate response that brings him pleasure?

Once again I don't think of this as an either/or situation where there has to be a choice between orgasming and thanking Master. I thank after each orgasm as a mark of respect as I don't see orgasming as something I should just enjoy and take for granted. I also thank him when I don't orgasm for whatever reason, whether it be denial, inability due to other issues, or just that he has not wished me to orgasm. I am deeply touched each time he chooses to use me in any context so feel a need to thank him.

Catalina

 

[catalina_francisco]

Then, another thought occurs to me to share concerning the thread topic.

I don't always like to orgasm. It isn't distasteful or unpleasurable, but there are times, when I rather enjoy everything leading to orgasm and not actually cumming. Sometimes it is simply letting go enough to want to expend the extreme energy it takes to orgasm or deal with the laundry the next day! In any event, I have never faked with anyone I cared about, but have had to explain to lovers why I don't want to cum.

That is a good point. I also find it very energy draining, especially as I am multi orgasmic which he loves to push to the limit. It gets to the point when you just want to drop into an exhausted sleep and not wake for days. He has come to realise this and now does give thought to if I am not well, or have other responsibilities coming up which require my energy. I also find by almost, but not cumming, there is often an increased physical and mental energy to be utilised and enjoyed until later.

Catalina

 

[James G 5]

hmmm....faking to save the male ego

Some of the women I know who've faked it have done it for the same reason I have (yes, us guys can to)...as a way to end the session politely

 

[Shadowsdream]

From this impossible Dommes point of view...a sub/slave that had no desire to cum ever..would bore Me very quickly. I enjoy being entertained with violent forced orgasms and whimpering suffering toys that have been in weeks and weeks of denial with constant edge training.

 

[AvaAdore]

i never saw the point of faking. my ex only made me cum once (with his fingers). he tried all sorts of things. he went down on me, but he didnt like the taste at all, and since he didnt enjoy it, i thought it was pointless. i tried to give tips and guide him, but i'm awful at that, and he wasnt the quickest of learners in that respect. it hurt his ego a lot. i told him i didnt orgasm very easily (which is true). i still think it's best to be honest.

sometimes i know i wont orgasm or i just dont feel like it. in that case i will let the person know. they can cum all they want. a lot of guys seem to think that a woman has to orgasm in order to enjoy sex, which is not true at all! if i really want the sex to end, i just tell them!

 

[catalina_francisco]

i never saw the point of faking. my ex only made me cum once (with his fingers). he tried all sorts of things. he went down on me, but he didnt like the taste at all, and since he didnt enjoy it, i thought it was pointless. i tried to give tips and guide him, but i'm awful at that, and he wasnt the quickest of learners in that respect. it hurt his ego a lot. i told him i didnt orgasm very easily (which is true). i still think it's best to be honest.

sometimes i know i wont orgasm or i just dont feel like it. in that case i will let the person know. they can cum all they want. a lot of guys seem to think that a woman has to orgasm in order to enjoy sex, which is not true at all! if i really want the sex to end, i just tell them!

Have to agree..orgasm may be wonderful but is not a necessary everytime...bit like feeling no meal is complete without dessert....too much focus on one thing can become distracting from the whole experience. LOL.

Catalina

 

[hurtme]

In my longest relationship ( five + years)...i faked for perhaps the first two years...and then i broke down and told him the truth...I was so afraid of how he would react...I was in tears thinking i had hurt him...but that man, let me tell you, he tried everything in his power after that...we watched videos, he read books, he bought me toys, he tried new techniques, things designed especailly for my pleasure with his as an afterthought (yes, this was a nilla relationship) the only thing that we never tried was BDSM...aside from a light amount of bondage...and nothing worked...and the thing is, this boy did have skills, and if nothing else, his honest affection, and the fact that he genuinely was doing everything in his power to please me, made me glad to tell him the truth finally...I always thought my not orgasming had something to do with either a guys skills or my not being relaxed...but this guy, he was quite skilled...he thought i was a goddess, worshipped the ground i walked on, and thought i had the sexiest body in the world...and i adored him, so relaxation wasn't a factor, and still, in 5+ years, he never made me cum...

 

[ownedsubgal]

I don't think it necessarily says you are intentionally trying not to orgasm, more so that you seemingly accept the mental block as a reason and seem prepared to leave it at that. It is not an easy thing to overcome, but is something I have had to do in the past for other reasons, and also as a part of growth. Fortunately your Daddy does not particularly care. Is it really though that you do not try to overcome the mental block because you feel it is not going to please him?

Not all orgasms have to be noisy...mine are silent most times, but he definately knows they are happening. I also do not as a rule ask or beg for release unless he expresses a desire for me to do so. It is not such a negative thing and does give much pleasure with or without male ego involved. I actually see it as a way of pleasing and servicing his needs, not something which is required to stroke his ego...and if it were, where is the problem in letting him know he is a great lover, honouring his touch with a passionate response that brings him pleasure?

Once again I don't think of this as an either/or situation where there has to be a choice between orgasming and thanking Master. I thank after each orgasm as a mark of respect as I don't see orgasming as something I should just enjoy and take for granted. I also thank him when I don't orgasm for whatever reason, whether it be denial, inability due to other issues, or just that he has not wished me to orgasm. I am deeply touched each time he chooses to use me in any context so feel a need to thank him.

Catalina

now that i think is beautiful. that is one of the many things i am grateful my Master has taught me, to express gratitude for a man's use of me. it shows that i am thankful and is sincere, unlike a faked orgasm. i do not think that it is an "either or" situation either...but for me personally, as someone who rarely orgasms, a quiet but clear "thank you" is a good alternative.

also, it is not that my Master does not "care" about me cumming or not cumming, he simply finds nothing inappropriate about my mindset as far as this is concerned. it pleases him that i do not care about cumming, but it also pleases him the few times that i do orgasm (actually i think that tickles him more than anything, lol). i imagine if i were extremely orgasmic and was constantly cumming from his or anyone else's use of me, he might think i were a bit too self-absorbed and too focused on my own physical pleasure to be the sort of submissive and slave that he needs and desires.

as i said before, i fully realize that many, probably even most Dominants do not care to have a sub/slave that does not desire to cum. as Shadowsdream commented, such a submissive would bore her. a Dominant typically wants to control their submissive's pleasure, including physical pleasure, and an orgasm is this thing that it's assumed everyone really wants to have....so to control the orgasm, is for some to control the ultimate physical pleasure. but if the submissive doesn't find orgasms desirable or pleasurable, it can be far more difficult to discover those physical pleasurepoints, and therefore more difficult to gain control over them. most wouldn't want to bother.

 

[catalina_francisco]

also, it is not that my Master does not "care" about me cumming or not cumming, he simply finds nothing inappropriate about my mindset as far as this is concerned. it pleases him that i do not care about cumming, but it also pleases him the few times that i do orgasm (actually i think that tickles him more than anything, lol). i imagine if i were extremely orgasmic and was constantly cumming from his or anyone else's use of me, he might think i were a bit too self-absorbed and too focused on my own physical pleasure to be the sort of submissive and slave that he needs and desires.

There is something to be said for not overdoing anything. LOL. Both extremes can become boring. I am not allowed to orgasm with anyone but him, but as that has always been an area where it did not happen easily, I do not find it difficult to comply. If it were the opposite and he wanted me to, I am sure then we would have a real issue to deal with as it just would not be happening easily, if at all.

Catalina

 

[FungiUg]

I know I expect to be able to control a submissive's orgasms during play. I find it very unfulfilling when I can't make her cum on demand, and also I expect to have times when I keep her on the verge of orgasm and deny her that final release.

Her body is my toy, and her pleasure is at my control. Since it's the control I crave (not just the sex), I would be vastly disappointed if I played with a submissive and it didn't involve her cumming like crazy.

Is that just me? I like to turn a submissive into a complete orgasmic wreck. It's such a power trip, knowing I can do that!

 

[catalina_francisco]

I know I expect to be able to control a submissive's orgasms during play. I find it very unfulfilling when I can't make her cum on demand, and also I expect to have times when I keep her on the verge of orgasm and deny her that final release.

Her body is my toy, and her pleasure is at my control. Since it's the control I crave (not just the sex), I would be vastly disappointed if I played with a submissive and it didn't involve her cumming like crazy.

Is that just me? I like to turn a submissive into a complete orgasmic wreck. It's such a power trip, knowing I can do that!

I think it is a fairly normal expectation to have. If and when we do involve other Dominants it will be his decision whether I orgasm or not, more so than theirs, but then I expect they will understand and respect the thought process behind that. As he says, whenever anyone else is involved it is at his discretion and as such they become an instrument for him to use with me, not my Dominant as there can only ever be one. If I were unowned I would then feel it part of the deal for me to orgasm if that was what was wished, but then we are all only human and there are times when you sometimes least expect it when it doesn't all come together as you would hope. Makes for some interesting challenges at times.

Catalina