To Be (DSM) or not to Be (DSM) ...

[Starfire]

I am inviting the wealth of knowledge and experience to be found here to help to solve my prevarications and inward procrastinations. There are so many posts I have read where people are so sure of their sexual roles and positions, and it has left me a bit confused. The last thing I want to do is to appear a fraud on this folder - I am genuinely perplexed - so I have a few questions.

A bit about myself first (this is not a personal - I have found the person I want to be with, and many of my queries are hers too). I am 41, very well educated, professional, and have, within the past two years fallen out of a 15 year marriage. My sexual appetite and wants did not coincide with hers, though there were other reasons, naturally. I loved eroticism and role play, was adventurous and daring, willing to explore the new - she was rather staid and conservative.

Many years ago I used to read de Sade, and became excited by the liberation to be found in his writings. At University I explored the sexuality of the Gothic Novel - "The Monk" being a particular favourite. I have always loved the sexuality of French literature - de Maupassant, Zola ... and was attracted to/ excited by the notion of submission and domination expressed in "The Story of O" and "Story of the Eye" - yet my own sexual life remained far removed from the fantasy.

I am also an artist, and have an arstistic eye. The images of BDSM arouse me, excite me, and increasingly I find myself drawn towards the lifestyle. But here my reservations and doubts kick in. What is my role? Is it clearly defined? Do I seek to control?

Sexually I do not get excited by the idea of receiving pain. Nor do I want to inflict pain in a sadistic way. I do, however, enjoy being masterful in a sexual situation. The idea of restraining a woman in a consensual situation arouses me. The voyeur in me wants to see such acts. My partner enjoys being spanked and I like administering, but I am not wholly comfortable with it. Is this a question of accepting what I am?

This is becoming a babble........ I guess I am looking for clarification. Your views would be welcome, as would your questions.

 

[Starfire]

This board has been slow tonight, so I figure that people are not around as opposed to not being able/prepared to read and respond.

I am genuinely interested in your honest views on what I have written. Do I belong here? Is there a huge clique of people who know their roles and therefore do not accept people who are uncertain? I will not play a role that is false, although I am capable of so doing ...

 

[KestralWolfe]

First point...No one can tell you what you are...no one should, honestly, for it can cause confusion for you, as well as quite a bit of contention in your home, if you try to force yourself into the Dominant role, and your partner into the submissive role...if the two of you are not D and s to begin with. Try light bondage, the spankings, Topping in the bedroom, but keping the rest of your lives normal. Read up on BDSM...."Screw the Roses, Give me the Thorns" is a great book, it gives you tips and techniques...motivations, ideas for scenes...I highly reccomend it.

I am also an artist, and have an arstistic eye. The images of BDSM arouse me, excite me, and increasingly I find myself drawn towards the lifestyle. But here my reservations and doubts kick in. What is my role? Is it clearly defined? Do I seek to control?

Have you ever thought about going into fetish photography? There are plenty of ways to make it artistic, instead of crappy porn. I do fet. photography myself, and find it quite fulilling for my voyuristic side.

Whatever you find withing yourself, be happy with who you are.

Be well, be safe, be happy,
Kes

 

[Starfire]

Thanks, Kes ... your words have been noted.

One more post for your AV ......... go on ....... you can do it!

 

[lilfrk]

I am genuinely interested in your honest views on what I have written. Do I belong here? Is there a huge clique of people who know their roles and therefore do not accept people who are uncertain? I will not play a role that is false, although I am capable of so doing ...

I think you belong here if you want to be here. If you have any interest in learning about BDSM then you belong here.

I don't think there is any clique in this forum. Just people talking about how what they like in sex is different than what most people call "normal".

It's fine to not know exactly what you want. I think very few people know exactly what they want all the time. Most all of us in this forum struggle at some point. It's human and we all try to help each other however little or much we can.

Why do you need a label anyway? If you like it do it, If you don't like it then don't do it. Read, learn, talk to your partner and just try stuff. To hell with the labels.

 

[morninggirl5]

Sexually I do not get excited by the idea of receiving pain. Nor do I want to inflict pain in a sadistic way. I do, however, enjoy being masterful in a sexual situation. The idea of restraining a woman in a consensual situation arouses me. The voyeur in me wants to see such acts. My partner enjoys being spanked and I like administering, but I am not wholly comfortable with it. Is this a question of accepting what I am?

This is becoming a babble........ I guess I am looking for clarification. Your views would be welcome, as would your questions.

Many of us here are still seeking answers for ourselves about where we *fit* in the realm of BDSM. From your post, it seems that you are questioning if you can be a Dom who isn't sadistic. The answer to that is certainly, just as there are subs who aren't masochistic.

There have been many posts here stating over and over that BDSM is not a recipe that you follow, with x cups of bondage, y gallons of dominations, and z spoons of sadism (or masochism).

Recently, i spoke with a trusted friend whose response helped me put aside many of those "where do i fit" niggling questions. He said simply (as he so often does0, "It is what it is." At the end of the day, despite all the analyzing, the truth of who we are and what we need in our lives remains the same. The labels are just that -- labels and don't change the reality of who and what we are.

 

[Ebonyfire]

Curiosity

is a good thing. If you are questioning and seeking knowledge, how can that be a bad thing?

If you and your partner are willing to discuss (preferably out of bed) what your wants and desires are, you both may discover what turns you on or if D/s is something you want to pursue. Everyone on this thread has different ways of dealing with D/s. So it stands to reason that there is no right or wrong way to enjoy it, As long as abuse is not part of the equation.

Good luck to you both. The journey is as much fun as the destination.

Ebony <Mistress to tavish>

 

[James Blandings]

This board has been slow tonight, so I figure that people are not around as opposed to not being able/prepared to read and respond.

I am genuinely interested in your honest views on what I have written. Do I belong here? Is there a huge clique of people who know their roles and therefore do not accept people who are uncertain? I will not play a role that is false, although I am capable of so doing ...

Friend, I've been exploring BDSM for 30 years and I would be hard pressed to tell you what my role is. I am a human being, not a kink checklist. Maybe today I want to take whip to a beautiful woman, and tomorrow I'll be on my knees before a Master.
All you have to be is you. If you can do that, then yes, you belong here. Welcome.

 

[cellis]

Starfire, it really is not for anyone but you to say whether or not you belong here.

The beauty of BDSM is it is what you make it. There is no formula that says if you do this you are in the lifestyle, but if you don't do that you are not, as morninggirl so eloquently pointed out.

If you feel comfortable here, I say stay, put your feet up and have a cup of coffee or a glass of wine... visit with your friends.. share and learn... you will soon decide if this is for you... in the meantime take a few photos and share them with us...

 

[Shadowsdream]

Starfire

BDSM begins in the mind...it is what you need it to be. The only correct way for you and your partner is your way. I am famous for saying slow down and smell the roses. Don't run to a goal or you will miss the beauty of the journey.

Do you belong here? It would appear so. Your questions are valuable and through your journey you will have as much to contribute as you have to gain.

 

[cymbidia]

As the others have replied so eloquently, Starfire, i'm not going to go over their replies again, just to reitierate the same messge. what i have to offer you is something from a collection of postings you may hear us refer to as the "Mother thread". It's where many of us came together as the cohesive, closely bonded, and tightly supportive community that we are today. Very early in the history of that thread we were asked the equivalent of "So, what is BDSM, anyway?" The answer offered to that question, below, might add another small toward your understanding of where and how this might fit into your life.

Referring to the acronym "BDSM":

I don't think I completely understand what it involves?

Hmmm. I'm feeling kinda helpless to answer your first question. "It" is a lifestyle, like being a vegetarian or training for and competing in biathalons. "It" is also a style of sexual play. "It" can be as much a part of your life as want, or as little.

BDSM = Bondage Discipline Sadism Masochism.

Additionally, the middle two letters, DS, are always taken to mean Dominance and Submission, often abbreviated D/s.

"It" involves, though this is WAY oversimplified, relationships in which the power wielded by one of the partners exceeds that of the other, always within the sexual arena, often outside it as well.

You seem a genuinely openminded sort of person, Starfire. We welcome all such people here. Please feel at home. you might want to have a read through the three stickies posted at the top of the forum, too. They all contain info that may be of value to a new member of our community. The info might be of value, too, to one who is new to thinking about his sexuality in terms so many of us are already comfortable with...and about which there's still widespread disapproval and gross misunderstanding from society-at-large.

Welcome to the BDSM forum, Starfire.

 

[Starfire]

Thanks ...

... to Lilfrk, Morninggirl, Ebonyfire, James, Cellis and Shadowstream - you have all helped to clarify various things that were running trough my mind. I think I will stck aroun a while and learn

As for taking some pics - I am not averse to that. Hideous Kinky and I have talked about shooting a BDSM series soon, as it happens - in fact we have some pretty cool ideas for themed shoots. It won't happen for a few weeks though.

 

[Starfire]

...and also to ...

Cym ...

Thank you for the useful advice. I read the stickies before venturing to post on here - always a wise move!

Thanks also for the welcome - I figure it will be a fun place to hang out. Had to laugh at you saying that you were a "closely bonded ... community"!

 

[Guest]

Starfire,
Welcome! I applaud your quest for growth and knowledge. You have found a wonderfully compassionate and intelligent community with the BDSM forum.
Be true to yourself. Realize you'll never stop learning and growing. Don't focus huge amounts of time or energy on labels. And ask question after question.

 

[KestralWolfe]

EEK! Something I forgot to add that James mentioned ...

Maybe today I want to take whip to a beautiful woman, and tomorrow I'll be on my knees before a Master.
All you have to be is you.

....Malleability. Being adjustable to your own wants and desires, your secret fetishes It's not easy when your brain throws you a curve-ball, but if you are adaptable, to your own self, then you'll do great. Ok, I will stop blathering now, welcome to Lit, and to the wonders, joys, pains, and triumphs of BDSM.


Be well, be safe, be happy
Kes

 

[Starfire]

I find ...

... this are of the site arousing, informative, friendly and fascinating. I thank you all for your responses to my initial ramblings.

As far as my own interests go, I have been involved in role-play. light bondage, blindfolding and spanking - though I have never consdered myself in the role of a Dom - they are things that we have explored during sex, were both comfortable with and excited by. I too have been tied and blindfolded, the power passing to my partner, and I must admit that that too was arousing.

Pain is interesting - my partner liked to be spanked occasionally but it is not something that I am keen to experience. I do, however, enjoy the pain of nails scraping down my back, or being bitten and clawed.

The imagery is the thing that arouses me the most - erotic rather than pornographic, and generally artistic. That appeals to my creative side as well as my sexual.

Have a great day, all.