Tme and relationships

[gauchecritic]

very recently I was looking through 'Friends Reunited' and saw a profile of someone I had been searching for, for years. She joined F.R only this year and so I left her a 'Buzz'. She buzzed me back within a week and left her e-mail addy.

I sent her a mail, which was very off the cuff and light and took as reference our shared experience (Teacher Training College)

I happened to mention that I had (past tense) hated her now husband. (wasn't her husband at the time) and the implication was that I didn't like him because he had obviously 'captured' the girl with whom I was in love at the time. Although being naive and early twenties I had never once intimated anything about my feelings.

So, taking into account that she is still married to the guy and that my hinted love was never broached and that she and I are probably totally different people my question, since I have had no reply after about three weeks (plus the fact that she is teaching and this is her holiday time) is this:

Should I mail her again or, assuming that she actually read the mail and doesn't want to reply, just leave well enough alone?

 

[CharleyH]

very recently I was looking through 'Friends Reunited' and saw a profile of someone I had been searching for, for years. She joined F.R only this year and so I left her a 'Buzz'. She buzzed me back within a week and left her e-mail addy.

I sent her a mail, which was very off the cuff and light and took as reference our shared experience (Teacher Training College)

I happened to mention that I had (past tense) hated her now husband. (wasn't her husband at the time) and the implication was that I didn't like him because he had obviously 'captured' the girl with whom I was in love at the time. Although being naive and early twenties I had never once intimated anything about my feelings.

So, taking into account that she is still married to the guy and that my hinted love was never broached and that she and I are probably totally different people my question, since I have had no reply after about three weeks (plus the fact that she is teaching and this is her holiday time) is this:

Should I mail her again or, assuming that she actually read the mail and doesn't want to reply, just leave well enough alone?

Mail once more and then forget it. Hate to be cliche'. but two times the charm, my friend.

 

[impressive]

very recently I was looking through 'Friends Reunited' and saw a profile of someone I had been searching for, for years. She joined F.R only this year and so I left her a 'Buzz'. She buzzed me back within a week and left her e-mail addy.

I sent her a mail, which was very off the cuff and light and took as reference our shared experience (Teacher Training College)

I happened to mention that I had (past tense) hated her now husband. (wasn't her husband at the time) and the implication was that I didn't like him because he had obviously 'captured' the girl with whom I was in love at the time. Although being naive and early twenties I had never once intimated anything about my feelings.

So, taking into account that she is still married to the guy and that my hinted love was never broached and that she and I are probably totally different people my question, since I have had no reply after about three weeks (plus the fact that she is teaching and this is her holiday time) is this:

Should I mail her again or, assuming that she actually read the mail and doesn't want to reply, just leave well enough alone?

Were it me, I'd do as Charley said -- send one more email, then drop it if she doesn't reply.

 

[gauchecritic]

Fair enough. Thankyou for the replies.

A more general question concerns the time angle and growing up.

When I mailed her I used my gauchecritic address and mentioned the nom-de-plume nature of the handle, saying that I wrote porn thinly veiled as erotica. My main concern over the original question was that she may have googled the name and actually read the stories and thus have grown so strait laced that she can't face writing back.

Now, apart from having grown more urbane and witty (and more good looking since surgery in the mean time) I am essentially the same person as the twenty year old of the time of our acquaintance, that is to say I haven't really grown up.

My assumption is that she has grown up and this has a marked effect on the likes of people with whom she is willing to associate.

Is this valid reasoning? Do we really change that much?

so, in a time travelly way if you received mail from yourself of 20 years ago (thirty in my case) would you write back?

 

[impressive]

so, in a time travelly way if you received mail from yourself of 20 years ago (thirty in my case) would you write back?

Absolutely.

 

[Vermilion]

so, in a time travelly way if you received mail from yourself of 20 years ago (thirty in my case) would you write back?

well... I'd only just learned how to write... probably wasn't even in joined-up yet, so I'm gonna say yes, cos it'd be mean not to reply to a 4 year old

time is probably the most crucial element of a relationship working or not, but people rarely seem to consider it...
For instance - a couple I know who had been together 3 years who loved each other and seemed pretty great together, have just split up. I think it;s mostly because they've been together since they were 18 - they've been together too long to not make a bigger commitment, but they're too young (or so they feel) to make those sorts of commitments, so they ended it... if they'd met a little later things might have been different. Same with the fiance and I... if we'd met earlier the chances are that we wouldn;t have got together/stayed together.

</ramble>

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[The_Fool]

Gauche, perhaps you caught her off guard with her emotions and she is trying to work out how she feels about the situation as well. Or perhaps she is undecided as to how to take your position. I feel as as been previously stated, write once more. This time, I would suggest a more neutral stance, more of a "let's get reaquainted" position without mentioning her current husband. This way you are not putting her in conflict with her present circumstance.

 

[BlackShanglan]

Hmmm. You mentioned in the same email that you disliked her husband, had had an interest in her, and currently write pornography under a specific pen name she could easily look up? I suspect that she might think you're on the pull. She may be stepping back because she's uncertain of your intentions.

I've had the opportunity to meet and to speak with a number of people I hadn't seen for many years. One in particular is a continual delight - he's kept all of the qualities that I loved best in him, and added depth and richness with maturity. Seeing him with his family is truly a sight to warm any heart. He's changed in the best of ways - all the good is still there, and more added.

On the other hand, someone else I once thought quite highly of was an unhappy shock to encounter after fifteen years. I've never seen a man more unmade by our military. All of the intellect, character, decency, and depth that he'd had to an unusual degree in his early years were smothered in the boorish mannerisms of a dissipated frat boy. It was painful to see it.

People do change a great deal, I think. The young ones change most. But everyone should have the right to change. I would hate to think that I was still the same person I was when I began university; when I meet up with friends from that time period whom I haven't seen in some time, I am conscious of fighting a quiet battle to change my role and help them see the ways in which I am now different. I hope that they'll agree that the changes are for the good.

Shanglan

 

[glynndah]

I recently sent an email off to a classmate from years ago. Nothing elaborate, just a "are you such and such from such and such high school" sort of message. He wrote back a very short note, basically just agreeing that he was, without much detail or encouragement. He didn't seem too interested in carrying on a correspondence, so I just dropped it.

So, yesterday I opened my emails and found a long message, a letter really, from him. A very sincere welcoming letter, full of news of his life since we graduated and questions about mine. It was quite lovely and moving.

When I wrote the original e-mail, I just wanted to share the memory of a little embarrassing incident that occured on our only "date"and its consequences. Now, I'm not sure what I should do... *sigh*

 

[Liar]

so, in a time travelly way if you received mail from yourself of 20 years ago (thirty in my case) would you write back?

There are probably a few hints about how to avoid cartain 7th to 9th grade ordeals that I'd share.

Oh, and I'd tell myself to lay off the coca cola binging. The dentist's bills I have these days... sheesh.

 

[rgraham666]

so, in a time travelly way if you received mail from yourself of 20 years ago (thirty in my case) would you write back?

Yes. Specifically I'd write "DON'T MARRY HER!"

 

[lesbiaphrodite]

I would say, you might want to just hit the "pause" button and let things settle a bit. If she replies, then, great. If not, let it roll...

 

[herecomestherain]

Sheesh, I have nothing pertinent to add Gauchecritic but for some reason having read your original post yesterday, it has stuck in my head. Maybe it's the romantic in me, maybe it strikes a personal chord - the idea of a missed opportunity for love, or that there's more than one person who could have been your soul mate under different circumstances all resonate with me. I hope for you, that whatever comes of it, perhaps a renewed friendship - makes you happy. I'd be inclined to email again. If nothing else, I don't trust that email always gets to where it's meant to. I have had misunderstanding over mail that never got to me or the other person.

 

[wishfulthinking]

On one hand, she may be weighing up whether to be
(a) insulted by your comments about the hubby
(b) flattered that you remembered her after so long
(c) uncertain about your intentions
(d) confronted by you sharing a thing (pron writer extraordinare) that people are often either for or against in a re-introductory email without knowing whether she joined a strict religion in the meantime
(e) on holidays and completely oblivious to your inner turmoil

On the other hand, you only live once, so another email won't hurt. The worst that will happen is she doesn't reply (or her husband replies ).

luck

 

[gauchecritic]

(d) confronted by you sharing a thing (pron writer extraordinare) that people are often either for or against in a re-introductory email without knowing whether she joined a strict religion in the meantime
(e) on holidays and completely oblivious to your inner turmoil

On the other hand, you only live once, so another email won't hurt. The worst that will happen is she doesn't reply (or her husband replies ).

luck

I mentioned the pron mainly because I don't often check my real name address but use and check gauchecritic every day.

When I thought about it (why is it I don't think until after I've pressed send?), that particular aspect of me wouldn't have been unusual for the person I was then but my quandary, and hence the thread, was that she was unlikely to be the same person now as then.

I know she was Catholic (schooled at least) but she also told me some of her pre-college adventures too ("you know how Catholic girls can be" [artist and title for 10 points])

Hopefully, as you suggest, she is on holiday and will reply later but she may be put off by my scolding her for using text speak. Well she's a teacher, she should know better.

 

[Vermilion]

I mentioned the pron mainly because I don't often check my real name address but use and check gauchecritic every day.

When I thought about it (why is it I don't think until after I've pressed send?), that particular aspect of me wouldn't have been unusual for the person I was then but my quandary, and hence the thread, was that she was unlikely to be the same person now as then.

I know she was Catholic (schooled at least) but she also told me some of her pre-college adventures too ("you know how Catholic girls can be" [artist and title for 10 points])

Hopefully, as you suggest, she is on holiday and will reply later but she may be put off by my scolding her for using text speak. Well she's a teacher, she should know better.

Alanis Morisette.
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[rgraham666]

Having thought about this, I'd say wait, gauche. You've made the move. Now she has to react even if her reaction is no reaction.

But that's just me. My mind is to always leave the past in the past. It's over and done with and if it didn't come with me, it stays behind.

 

[Stella_Omega]

Fair enough. Thankyou for the replies.

A more general question concerns the time angle and growing up.

When I mailed her I used my gauchecritic address and mentioned the nom-de-plume nature of the handle, saying that I wrote porn thinly veiled as erotica. My main concern over the original question was that she may have googled the name and actually read the stories and thus have grown so strait laced that she can't face writing back.

Even I know better than this, Gauche!

When getting in touch with old classmates, you email them from the name they knew you by. If this means you have to run to gmail to set up a new account, by all means do it. After all, I took my pseudonym for exactly the reason that not everyone that knows me wants to know about my real self-- and you might want to talk with a reunited friend for just a bit, and weigh the pros and cons of giving her too much info too quickly.

Now, apart from having grown more urbane and witty (and more good looking since surgery in the mean time) I am essentially the same person as the twenty year old of the time of our acquaintance, that is to say I haven't really grown up.

My assumption is that she has grown up and this has a marked effect on the likes of people with whom she is willing to associate.

Is this valid reasoning? Do we really change that much?

so, in a time travelly way if you received mail from yourself of 20 years ago (thirty in my case) would you write back?

You bet I would-- and I'd tell me to get my ass back to school.

 

[bluebell]

Alanis Morisette.

*swish* for Mils.
"Forgiven"

...the boorish mannerisms of a dissipated frat boy.

You said "boorish mannerisms of a dissipated frat boy".

My main concern over the original question was that she may have googled the name and actually read the stories and thus have grown so strait laced that she can't face writing back.

It's entirely possible. However, an awful lot of factors would have to come into play for that to have happened.
She'd have to first, above all, be the sort of person who would google something like that, and then secondly, have the time and inclination to do so (begging your pardon- that isn't meant to sound offensive). In my experience, most people don't seem to meet those criteria. They're too busy/unconcerned/et cetera/et cetera.

Maybe just the knowledge of this aspect of you was enough to sort of put her off a little.
I think some people (I obviously can't speak for you, Gauche) can forget that not everyone is as comfortable with subjects like this, and because they themselves have [possibly] had to overcome so much just to be so open about it, they can forget that not everyone is sharing the same headspace.

On the other hand, maybe she's completely fine with it and you just happened to email her a day before she and her husband left to go squid fishing in Australia. Or something.

 

[gauchecritic]

I think some people (I obviously can't speak for you, Gauche) can forget that not everyone is as comfortable with subjects like this, and because they themselves have [possibly] had to overcome so much just to be so open about it, they can forget that not everyone is sharing the same headspace.

You can speak for me anytime blue. Roxy and MiAmico do it all the time. Explaining what I actually said rather than what I typed.

But you and Stell have hit on something else that I assumed rather than waited to find out.

When getting in touch with old classmates, you email them from the name they knew you by. If this means you have to run to gmail to set up a new account, by all means do it. After all, I took my pseudonym for exactly the reason that not everyone that knows me wants to know about my real self

When I was in my twenties, (long before the interweb and even personal computing) if I had written and published a piece of erotica it was exactly what I would have ran to her room with and shown her without hesitation.

I shall wait a little while longer.

 

[bluebell]

You can speak for me anytime blue. Roxy and MiAmico do it all the time. Explaining what I actually said rather than what I typed.

Aww. That's so sweet of you, Gauche.
I will do you proud and immediately begin skimming your posts for alternate meanings.

In fact...what's this I found here...?

very recently I was looking through 'Friends Reunited' and saw a profile of someone I had been searching for, for years. She joined F.R only this year and so I left her a 'Buzz'. She buzzed me back within a week and left her e-mail addy.

Why yes, of course.
This passage obviously indicates that you would like nothing more than to track her down and show her what a real vibrator feels like.