Tired of "No's!"

[jaylips69]

I have seen some threads in here about "Happily Married, but Sexually Frustrated." Maybe that could be the subject of this thread. However, I could care less if you are happily married or not. There are a lot of people that have experienced more "No's" than the law allows and are still in their marriage for whatever reason.

I know there are both men and women that are tired of all the "No's." Lets here from all of you.

My wife has perfected the "Push-aways." Hell, as many times as she has practiced a push-away she would probably be able to knock out Mike Tyson. She needs to try a new exercise called the "cum-hither." Now I can really get into that exercise.

Also, feel free to use whatever kind of fucking language you want to express yourself. This is literotica. Dirty talk is accepted and expected, as long as on one is insulted. Love to hear for you all. Let it all hang out!

 

[jaylips69]

You have got to be shitting me! You mean there are no men or women that are fed up with all the "No's" in the bedroom. Am I the only one in here whose wife is such a cold frigid woman. I also know there are women in the same boat. Let's hear from you as well.

 

[wildrose70]

Okkkkkkk I'll post...lol...yes and after 16 long yrs w/out a dammed thing...moved out got divorce and happy as hell because I have a man that knows how to please a woman...and believe me *no* isn't in his vocabulary... and sure the hell isn't in mine!!!!


Sex does not end at 50-60- and is only much better at 70...
There I will be your first poster

Ohhh yes ...forgot to mention I was married for 49 years last 16..nada

 

[Arden]

I have seen some threads in here about "Happily Married, but Sexually Frustrated." Maybe that could be the subject of this thread. However, I could care less if you are happily married or not. There are a lot of people that have experienced more "No's" than the law allows and are still in their marriage for whatever reason.

I know there are both men and women that are tired of all the "No's." Lets here from all of you.

My wife has perfected the "Push-aways." Hell, as many times as she has practiced a push-away she would probably be able to knock out Mike Tyson. She needs to try a new exercise called the "cum-hither." Now I can really get into that exercise.

Also, feel free to use whatever kind of fucking language you want to express yourself. This is literotica. Dirty talk is accepted and expected, as long as on one is insulted. Love to hear for you all. Let it all hang out!

I think part of the problem here is how you worded your post, jaylips. Here are some of my thoughts on the matter as a person of the opposite sex.

There are a lot of people that have experienced more "No's" than the law allows and are still in their marriage for whatever reason.

Yikes! When my ex told me that he had the 'right' to have sex with me because he was my husband, I nearly died. First of all, that view seems to come straight out of the caveman days. Who cares what she wants, I'll just drag her into bed by her hair because I have my rights. Second, he was having an affair with someone else. I didn't care, I was actually hoping that he'd leave and go live with her at the time. But did he have the 'right' to have two women for sex when he was married? Hell no. Damn straight I pushed him away. And I did it again, not too much later... permanently.

When a woman says no, you should respect it. Married or not, no means no. Also, be aware that there is a spousal rape law on the books in many states now. Yes, spouses can be raped, contrary to popular opinion.

When a woman loses respect for her partner, and their marriage, it's often hard for her to bring herself to say 'yes' to sex. Drugs, affairs, drinking, spousal abuse, lack of responsibility regarding finances or family life are just a few things that can destroy a womans desire to have sex with her husband or significant other.

There are also the men that snore loudly all night, which can lead to a continual loss of sleep for a spouse. This has a snowball effect, and makes every moment of sleep precious. Being woken up in the middle of the night for sex by the spouse that keeps you awake half the night can be maddening, and causes sleep deprivation. Making it through the day is exhausting if you're the one that loses sleep continually.

Women that work late at night also need time to sleep. If the two of you work different hours, you may need to plan 'dates' for sex on the weekend when she's not too tired.

Got a baby at home, or worse yet, a couple of small children? Help your wife with them more often so that she'll have more time to be able to unwind with you when the day's household chores are done and the kids are in bed. We always appreciate help from our husbands.

Ok, this is getting too long. I will say that much of what I listed above comes from personal experience.

Communication and understanding is the key to having a good sex life... and a healthy relationship. If you can't work out problems in the long run, you might consider ending the marriage and finding yourself another partner. (I say this in general terms, it is not directed at you personally, jaylips)

There is, believe it or not, someone out there that is the right match for everyone. I feel blessed to have found someone that I love and respect completely. And you know what? I can't imagine ever wanting to say "no," or even think of pushing him away.

 

[Native Alien]

a suggestion if i might, there is this same discussion going on over on the how to board.

those folks are trying to figure out how to get the "cum-hither" back into their marriage instead of the "push-away".

very well put Arden, may i commend you on wording that just right. i know with my ex, the last thing that i wanted in the world from him was sex. so i just did without for a very long time.

 

[jaylips69]

More Explanation, BTW Thanks!

Thank you for your replies. They are all great. Arden you put a lot of time and thought into your reply and I really appreciate it. I knew the danger of putting a post out with as little an explanation as I had included. Now I will try to answer some of your comments as they could apply.

I totally believe "No means No". I have never not taken no to mean no. I have never and will never be a pushy type of person. Let me also say that I love my wife very much. She is probably the single greatest woman I have ever met. I truly mean that. The only problem is she has no desire for affection, which of course means sex, as well. I am a touchy-feely type of guy who loves not only to receive affection, but loves to show affection toward others, especially my wife.

Yes, I have tried to get her to go to therapy, not as a demand, but as a request and even to the point of pleading with her. Again, I took no as no. I even went to therapy and spilled my heart out and we (Me and the therapist) tried to get her to come with me. Finally I gave up on that when the therapist finally told me she could do no more for me without my wifes's cooperation.

I have even asked her to talk to our doctor to see if it is something physical and she goes to the doctor and tells him I am a sex maniac and I wanted her to come to him to see if there was anything wrong.

I help my wife very much around the house. I vacuum, sweep, mop, wash dishes, change sheets, wash clothes, you name it, I do it to help out. We have a 6 year old grandaughter we are raising and I help her with her homework so my wife gets a break. I help her with the child all the time and I do set aside times for our time together. I have even gotten a babysitter and taken her out on numerous dates and still nothing.

I come home and pick flowers and make a great flower arrangement and put it on the table to greet her and light candles to make the house smell good. I have tried everything I know to do romantic and it just doesn'r seem to work. Believe me, due to all the above it makes for a very good relationship with my wife otherwise. She would do anything in the world for me but get more affectionate. She is even very apologetic that she does not have the feeling of affection and the desire for sex like she says I deserve. SHe even acknowledges I deserve more. However, she still says "NO".

Am I trying too hard? I have even tried to back off, thinking I was smothering her with my affection. This was under the direction of my therapist. It didn't work either. Am I relagated to just accepting this for the rest of my life and loving her for the many other wonderful qualities she has? I don't know. I don't want to come of as whiney, but I thought I would just see if I could find some answers.

Thank you for allowing me to express myself here. Hope to here from more people on this subject after I have further explained myself. Thanks again.

Jay

 

[Native Alien]

there is one thing that noone here has mentioned and so i will be the one to ask. is she on any medications that could cause a lack of desire? there are some that do.

the other question i would ask is why are you raising a six year grandchild? Depression (as well as grief) can be definite libido killers. if she is suffering either of these that might be something to look at too.

 

[STUDDOG]

there is one thing that noone here has mentioned and so i will be the one to ask. is she on any medications that could cause a lack of desire? there are some that do.

the other question i would ask is why are you raising a six year grandchild? Depression (as well as grief) can be definite libido killers. if she is suffering either of these that might be something to look at too.

I was just reading threads and found this one...I want to say to Native, Arden and Wildrose that you ladies are very intelligent and very insightful to the delicate flower of human desire....
Thank you for those words...very nicely said

STUDDOG

 

[wildrose70]

Jaylips...I just read your whole post again...the last one about all you do and try...it's very sad to say the least....when affection is so lopsided...it seems to me...you have done so much...and with me it was just the opposite..I kept myself in shape...always clean and neat..worked hard...took care of everything ..worked raised 4 kids and helped raise grandkids...in fact those last 16 yrs...thats the only thing that kept me going..till finally I said enough...and you know the funny part...I cldnt believe the men that did find me sexy and desirable....even at my age...now I have a wonderful sexy romantic man in my life...but it took a long time to build my self-worth back up again....this situtation reminds me so much of ours...he was perfectly contended living like this...why not..he had someone to take care of everything...and in return..he didnt have to do anything...
But since the divorce ....we do have a very good relationship...
Geeshhhhhh sorry didnt mean to get so long-winded here this morn...

 

[~Dream~]

<applauds Ardens post first of all,that was awesome...well I dont see how I can expand much on what she said jay but after having more than 1 failed relationship and finally getting with Mr.Right after 46 yrs I guess I consider myself a bit knowledgable..


Trust,respect and communication go a LONG way in any relationship,being gentle and soft and just making time for 'her'is important and have patience..LOTS of patience..I am a very expressionate woman and esp emotionally and Sexually however my man is very quiet except in prson ,he's very affectionate and I love it...

I can only tell you that by sharing your feelings and being open and honest always with her ,it should work ,I know its sometimes hard for men to express their innermost desires but women love to feel cherished and desired..you sound like a very caring man,please try talking to her again and let her know how much she means to you,if you have to then try courting her like when you 1st met,sometimes mother nature causes the sexual drive to decrease as well,if thats the most important thing keeping your marriage alive,then I am sad for ya but hope it all works out ,to me cuddling and just talking is every bit as important as sex...good luck hun..

 

[Arden]

Am I trying too hard? I have even tried to back off, thinking I was smothering her with my affection. This was under the direction of my therapist. It didn't work either. Am I relagated to just accepting this for the rest of my life and loving her for the many other wonderful qualities she has? I don't know. I don't want to come of as whiney, but I thought I would just see if I could find some answers.

Jay, as Native Alien suggested, look at depression as a possible cause. Is she overwhelmed with concern for your child that has left the two of you being responsible for upbringing of his or her daughter? Some women tend to hold that stuff inside and let it eat them up rather than allow others to see their emotions outwardly. We are born caretakers, hate to admit it when we're overwhelmed. Mental stress can be exhausting. And yes, there are certain medications that kill off every single bit of sex drive... Paxil, something prescribed for anxiety is one of those, and I'm sure there are many others.

Just a thought here... I sense your wife may be at least in her mid 40s if not older, considering that you have a 6 year old granddaughter. She could be experiencing hormone fluctuations due to perimenopause. It starts in your 40s, and hot flashes aren't the only symptoms. Depression, anxiety, migraine headaches where none existed before, mental confusion at times (seriously), loss of sex drive due to hormonal changes are only a few. Many of these things weren't recognized years ago as being symptoms of the onset of menopause, but are today. This can go on for 5+ years before actual menopause begins, even if no hot flashes are experienced. My older sister (age 50) is going through this crap right now, and I'm probably not far behind her, being almost 46. They've also found that women who smoke can start having premenopausal symptoms as much as five years earlier than non-smokers. Find out if her periods are getting more frequent and heavier. Also, having a hysterectomy doesn't excuse us from menopause either, it often throws women full force into those hormonal changes. Hormone replacement therapy can work wonders for those that are able to take it.

Should you give up on having a sex life? I don't think so, if you love her as you say that you do. So maybe you do have a higher sex drive than she does, but that alone isn't causing her problems. Many folks coexist perfectly well under the same circumstances.

I'd say forget the therapy for now and look for medical causes instead. You can't force her to go to therapy, so explore the other possibilities that you can without making her feel threatened. Don't approach it from a sexual standpoint with her... approach it as being concerned for her health as a loving wife, mother and grandmother.

 

[~Dream~]

<<<changes Arden's name to Dr Ruth (lol) Damn you are good !! apologies to jay..

 

[Arden]

<<<changes Arden's name to Dr Ruth (lol) Damn you are good !! apologies to jay..

Hey old lady! LOL
How are you doing, you sound great today, Dream!

Dr. Ruth I'm not, lol. I've just seen my mom, my aunts and now my sisters start to go through this stuff. I'm watching closely and reading whatever I can because my time is coming.

{{{{Hugs}}}} to Rose and STUDDOG

 

[SexyChele]

Jaylips -
Okay, I read your profile. If you are 57 and married 39 years, then that means you married at 18. Your wife must be right around your age, I presume? If so, then she falls into post-menopausal. While pre-menopause (the shit I'm dealing with at the moment) can be a major bitch, once a woman hits post-menopause things can take a drastic turn. Sex drive is but one factor affected. Also, it is not unusual for some women who are grandmothers to think of themselves as "grandmas" and therefore discount their sexuality as women.

However, a bigger questions looms here. What was your wife like in her teens? In her 20s? In her 30s? In her 40s? Was she at some point a very affectionate, sexual person? Or has she always exhibited the feelings she does now? If her current behavior is something that developed recently, then I would suspect physical problems commonly associated with menopause. If that's the case, there is nothing that states you cannot contact her doctor and ask him/her what symptoms of menopause might be affecting your relationship. No, don't go into her record, simply ask her physician what you as her husband might expect.

If your wife has always exhibited the behavior you've explained (and it appears as such from the profile you've written), then I would say you've got some decisions to make. Either accept the fact that this is all you will ever get physically from your wife but love her for all of her other wonderful qualities, or end the relationship. The call is yours. No one here can tell what to do or how to do it.

You are 57 years old. A lot of life's mysteries at 27 are no longer mysteries to you. I don't mean to sound harsh, but use the intelligence between your ears. Learn about what happens to a woman's body after 40 - any doctor will gladly explain it to you, or you can find pages and pages on the internet. If your wife has always been this way, why in heaven's name did you think she would change now? Sorry, but as a single woman, I hear this too many friggin' times - "I married my wife and she was cold and frigid and unresponsive but I thought she would change she hasn't so I want an affair." If you married a woman uptight about sex to begin with, uh hello? Why think she would change?

As I said, no one here can make any decisions for you. Only you can do that. I do wish the best for you, and hope whatever you decide to do will result in the least amount of pain for both you and your wife.

 

[dragonhearted]

Re: More Explanation, BTW Thanks!

Thank you for your replies. They are all great. Arden you put a lot of time and thought into your reply and I really appreciate it. I knew the danger of putting a post out with as little an explanation as I had included. Now I will try to answer some of your comments as they could apply...

Am I trying too hard? I have even tried to back off, thinking I was smothering her with my affection. This was under the direction of my therapist. It didn't work either. Am I relegated to just accepting this for the rest of my life and loving her for the many other wonderful qualities she has? I don't know. I don't want to come off as whiney, but I thought I would just see if I could find some answers.

Thank you for allowing me to express myself here. Hope to hear from more people on this subject after I have further explained myself. Thanks again.

Jay

My heart goes out to you Jay...it really does! I am a very affectionate sort myself. Lovemaking is something I feel should last all day, even without actual sex. I feel sex IS important, however. It's a bonding experience. As for being "touchy-feely", does she hug her granddaughter at alll? If not, this lack of physical affection will perpetuate itsself. The little girl will suffer due to lack of the affection, then she will turn around and deprive her loved ones later of affection.

Suzi