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Guest
Guest
Okay, here are some pointers for all the mouth-breathing (and even not-so-mouth-breathing) hoardes that shop at Wal-Mart. These will help you make your experience at Wal-Mart faster, friendlier, and less likely to find all of your breakable and smushable stuff at the bottom of your grocery bag in retribution.
(No, I DON'T do that, but MANY of my co-workers have been known to pack the bread with the raw chicken when dealing with an asshole, and I can't blame them)
Step One: Entering the Store
DO: Smile and say hello at the poor bastard standing just inside the door, within range from the cold blast that accompanies your fat ass through it, when he or she says hi to you. There, but for the grace of God, go you. You are not above being polite.
DO NOT: Look at the three drops of water on the outside of the cart and complain loudly and whinily to the aforementioned poor bastard (who just carefully swept the snow/slush from your cart and dried the inside just for you), "Don't you have any dry ones?" There are no dry ones. This person does not have a secret reserve of dry carts just for everyone but you. You are not special. Smile, say thank you, and move on.
DO NOT: Stand in the radar-detector doorway for fifteen minutes yelling into your cell phone, "can you hear me? Hello? Hello? Yeah, I'm here, can you hear me?" as cold air and snow whistles through the entire fucking store, freezing the greeter, cashiers, and half of the other customers. They can't hear you, you're a moron, and heat is not free. Hang up, remove your head from your ass, and get out of the doorway.
DO: Walk, rather than ride a motorized cart, unless you are over 65 or have a genuine disability. By genuine, I do not mean that you weigh over 300lbs. Your fat ass is taking mobility away from somebody's great grandmother. In fact (and I can say this, because I'm a big girl, too), you could use the walk. If you can't make it all the way around the store without losing your breath or stopping for a rest, skip the grocery section altogether.
Shopping in the store
DO: be conscious of traffic flow patterns when stopping in aisles or leaving your cart. Stopping directly in front of an employee in a hurry to look at the cheap piece of shit in the seasonal aisle could get you run into or choked at the employee's earliest convenience.
DO: invest heavily in duct tape or good discipline if you have children. The presence of adequate customer service is NOT an excuse to allow your children to run wild. If you choose not to rein in your children, you forfeit all right to glare at the employee (me) who reprimands your child for swearing, screaming, damaging merchandise, or engaging in behavior dangerous to himself or someone else.
DO NOT: leave unwanted merchandise wherever you damn well please in the store. If you change your mind, please bring it back to where you found it, or return it to a cashier or the customer service department. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT put perishable food items back on the shelf in the candy aisle by the cash register because you're too fucking stupid to just give it to the cashier. I'd rather have to call someone from the meat dept. to come get it than discover ruint meat and ruint candy bars when I finally have the chance to zone my register area three hours later.
ABSOLUTELY NEVER: harangue a sales associate because the hot sale item you wanted so badly has sold out. It's a great deal for a reason. You were too slow, sorry. Wal-Mart offers rain checks on most of its non-clearance merchandise, so take it or leave it.
Exiting the store
DO: smile back and reply when the cashier offers you a genuine hello and asks how you're doing.
DO NOT: stare at me stone-faced. I know you speak English. At least smile back, you sorry motherfucker. And hang up your cell phone before I lodge it in your larynx.
DO NOT: return more than about a dozen items to a cashier, unless you forgot your checkbook or something (a good excuse will prevent us from harming you). They have limited space and patience. Behave with a little common sense. Do not put 36 t-shirts in your cart if you only intend to purchase four. Do not put $300.00 of merchandise in your cart if you only have fifty bucks.
DO: feel free to expect the cashier to bag your cold/frozen foods seperate from your nonperishables, your chemical goods seperate from your foods, and your eggs/bread toward the top of the pile.
DO: understand that the order you sit things on the conveyer belt is often perilously close to the order in which those things will be bagged.
DO: feel free to ask that your frozen foods be bagged in paper, double bagged in plastic, or placed in freezer bags. Provided, of course, that you do not have an entire cart of frozen foods.
DO NOT: stand there with your thumb up your ass while the sales associate loads your cart for you to empty some bags and then runs back around behind the register to start rebagging. Unless, of course, you are somehow disabled, in which case, I'm happy to accomodate you. I am also happy to help you load heavy things, help load your cart for you if your hands are particularly full, and happy to help you with the last few bags if you've got the first few. But do NOT stand around and watch me work for no better reason than to feel better than me.
DO NOT: take it upon yourself to snipe in a self-righteous tone, "that's a plantain," every fucking time the cashier looks on a PLU chart to find the price code. If I need to know, I'll ask, thank you.
DO NOT: at any time, as the cashier to bag more than about a year's supply of groceries in paper. This is acceptable at the grocery store, because the grocery store has BAG BOYS. If you're really trying to be environmentally conscious, shopping at Wal-Mart shouldn't be top on your list. Besides, you can recycle the plastic bags. Trees are renewable resources, not expendable.
Oh, and I fucking dare you to ask me to double bag them.
DO NOT: come through the express line with more than 20 items unless the cashier offers to take you. Even if it's after six, even if the cashier isn't allowed to say no. There is no belt, not enough bags, not enough counter space, and other customers are in a hurry too. Don't do it.
DO NOT: Bring three months' of groceries through the only line in the store that sells cigarettes. This is a matter of your personal safety. Other customers may harm you. And do not ask for them bagged in paper, or double bagged. Don't make me hurt you too.
DO: expect me to ask you for identification when purchasing anything age-limited, and DO have ID available when paying with anything but cash. Dude, there are signs everywhere. Read.
DO: take the hangers out of your clothes, unless you want them. It's really appreciated, I promise.
DO NOT: spaz out and start yelling me your bank account or cc balance at me if your card doesn't go through at the drop of a hat. It happens all the time. Either you swiped your card wrong, or we're just trying to ensure you are the cardholder. It's for your own good.
Exiting the store
DO: say goodbye to the nice people-greeter.
DO: take the time to push your cart back to the cart corral. They're everywhere in the fucking lot, and you're not the only person who shops here, nor are you special.
DO: proceed slowly from the lot at a reasonable speed, using your turn signal to indicate turns to other drivers. Do this WITHOUT hitting our stockmen. They're shorthanded enough-- we need them.
Have a nice day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!
(No, I DON'T do that, but MANY of my co-workers have been known to pack the bread with the raw chicken when dealing with an asshole, and I can't blame them)
Step One: Entering the Store
DO: Smile and say hello at the poor bastard standing just inside the door, within range from the cold blast that accompanies your fat ass through it, when he or she says hi to you. There, but for the grace of God, go you. You are not above being polite.
DO NOT: Look at the three drops of water on the outside of the cart and complain loudly and whinily to the aforementioned poor bastard (who just carefully swept the snow/slush from your cart and dried the inside just for you), "Don't you have any dry ones?" There are no dry ones. This person does not have a secret reserve of dry carts just for everyone but you. You are not special. Smile, say thank you, and move on.
DO NOT: Stand in the radar-detector doorway for fifteen minutes yelling into your cell phone, "can you hear me? Hello? Hello? Yeah, I'm here, can you hear me?" as cold air and snow whistles through the entire fucking store, freezing the greeter, cashiers, and half of the other customers. They can't hear you, you're a moron, and heat is not free. Hang up, remove your head from your ass, and get out of the doorway.
DO: Walk, rather than ride a motorized cart, unless you are over 65 or have a genuine disability. By genuine, I do not mean that you weigh over 300lbs. Your fat ass is taking mobility away from somebody's great grandmother. In fact (and I can say this, because I'm a big girl, too), you could use the walk. If you can't make it all the way around the store without losing your breath or stopping for a rest, skip the grocery section altogether.
Shopping in the store
DO: be conscious of traffic flow patterns when stopping in aisles or leaving your cart. Stopping directly in front of an employee in a hurry to look at the cheap piece of shit in the seasonal aisle could get you run into or choked at the employee's earliest convenience.
DO: invest heavily in duct tape or good discipline if you have children. The presence of adequate customer service is NOT an excuse to allow your children to run wild. If you choose not to rein in your children, you forfeit all right to glare at the employee (me) who reprimands your child for swearing, screaming, damaging merchandise, or engaging in behavior dangerous to himself or someone else.
DO NOT: leave unwanted merchandise wherever you damn well please in the store. If you change your mind, please bring it back to where you found it, or return it to a cashier or the customer service department. ABSOLUTELY DO NOT put perishable food items back on the shelf in the candy aisle by the cash register because you're too fucking stupid to just give it to the cashier. I'd rather have to call someone from the meat dept. to come get it than discover ruint meat and ruint candy bars when I finally have the chance to zone my register area three hours later.
ABSOLUTELY NEVER: harangue a sales associate because the hot sale item you wanted so badly has sold out. It's a great deal for a reason. You were too slow, sorry. Wal-Mart offers rain checks on most of its non-clearance merchandise, so take it or leave it.
Exiting the store
DO: smile back and reply when the cashier offers you a genuine hello and asks how you're doing.
DO NOT: stare at me stone-faced. I know you speak English. At least smile back, you sorry motherfucker. And hang up your cell phone before I lodge it in your larynx.
DO NOT: return more than about a dozen items to a cashier, unless you forgot your checkbook or something (a good excuse will prevent us from harming you). They have limited space and patience. Behave with a little common sense. Do not put 36 t-shirts in your cart if you only intend to purchase four. Do not put $300.00 of merchandise in your cart if you only have fifty bucks.
DO: feel free to expect the cashier to bag your cold/frozen foods seperate from your nonperishables, your chemical goods seperate from your foods, and your eggs/bread toward the top of the pile.
DO: understand that the order you sit things on the conveyer belt is often perilously close to the order in which those things will be bagged.
DO: feel free to ask that your frozen foods be bagged in paper, double bagged in plastic, or placed in freezer bags. Provided, of course, that you do not have an entire cart of frozen foods.
DO NOT: stand there with your thumb up your ass while the sales associate loads your cart for you to empty some bags and then runs back around behind the register to start rebagging. Unless, of course, you are somehow disabled, in which case, I'm happy to accomodate you. I am also happy to help you load heavy things, help load your cart for you if your hands are particularly full, and happy to help you with the last few bags if you've got the first few. But do NOT stand around and watch me work for no better reason than to feel better than me.
DO NOT: take it upon yourself to snipe in a self-righteous tone, "that's a plantain," every fucking time the cashier looks on a PLU chart to find the price code. If I need to know, I'll ask, thank you.
DO NOT: at any time, as the cashier to bag more than about a year's supply of groceries in paper. This is acceptable at the grocery store, because the grocery store has BAG BOYS. If you're really trying to be environmentally conscious, shopping at Wal-Mart shouldn't be top on your list. Besides, you can recycle the plastic bags. Trees are renewable resources, not expendable.
Oh, and I fucking dare you to ask me to double bag them.
DO NOT: come through the express line with more than 20 items unless the cashier offers to take you. Even if it's after six, even if the cashier isn't allowed to say no. There is no belt, not enough bags, not enough counter space, and other customers are in a hurry too. Don't do it.
DO NOT: Bring three months' of groceries through the only line in the store that sells cigarettes. This is a matter of your personal safety. Other customers may harm you. And do not ask for them bagged in paper, or double bagged. Don't make me hurt you too.
DO: expect me to ask you for identification when purchasing anything age-limited, and DO have ID available when paying with anything but cash. Dude, there are signs everywhere. Read.
DO: take the hangers out of your clothes, unless you want them. It's really appreciated, I promise.
DO NOT: spaz out and start yelling me your bank account or cc balance at me if your card doesn't go through at the drop of a hat. It happens all the time. Either you swiped your card wrong, or we're just trying to ensure you are the cardholder. It's for your own good.
Exiting the store
DO: say goodbye to the nice people-greeter.
DO: take the time to push your cart back to the cart corral. They're everywhere in the fucking lot, and you're not the only person who shops here, nor are you special.
DO: proceed slowly from the lot at a reasonable speed, using your turn signal to indicate turns to other drivers. Do this WITHOUT hitting our stockmen. They're shorthanded enough-- we need them.
Have a nice day, and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart!
