Time to Bite the Bullet, Need feedback on a story…

[Priscilla_June]

So I posted a Hotwife/Cuckold Story today. It at first did amazing in the ratings, had the red H and all. But soon it was pummeled by low ratings, and Im conflicted as whether it was me, or whether it was the much hated subject matter of infidelity on Lit.

https://literotica.com/s/pimping-wife-for-ambition

Long story short I would love some kind, but honest feedback on the story. I caught one or two typos that I have going through with fixes in an edit. But they were not enough in my mind to rate so many low votes.

I had someone I know look at it, but I need to use an editor from here I think to be sure… Ive done that for other stories, just didn’t go that route this time since I had someone else willing.

Any tips would be nice, or if you liked it or it was half way decent I would love to hear that too to boost some confidence.

Thanks all

 

[ElectricBlue]

Give it time, let the score settle. The current score could be a lot worse.

I couldn't see why it was in Fetish, to be honest. It felt like straightforward LW content, which is maybe why the score has dropped - it's a blatant title, so you're probably getting those readers who'll love/hate the subject matter. There's not much wrong with the writing, but not much originality, either.

 

[ofbuttons]

I agree that it's a matter of time. My current 4.65 story spent a couple of days flipping around the red H before settling, and the score is still varying.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Give it time, let the score settle. The current score could be a lot worse.

I couldn't see why it was in Fetish, to be honest. It felt like straightforward LW content, which is maybe why the score has dropped - it's a blatant title, so you're probably getting those readers who'll love/hate the subject matter. There's not much wrong with the writing, but not much originality, either.

I do need to be patient… I probably put too much stock in the ratings to begin with, just unfortunately being new to this its about my only indication of success :3 Score seems to be averaging around 4.38, I doubt itll go much further upwards which is sad, was hoping for a higher rating, if that means anything at least.

As far as Fetish category vs loving wives, I actually did a fair amount of research there. I 100% wanted to avoid LW like the plague. I didn’t want to be part of that toxicity. But in reading a few of the guides from experienced writers and looking at different tags. It seems a fair few Cuckold stories are placed in Fetish.

The articles themselves said it was a better bet given the audiences, hoping tags help me out beyond that.

 

[Priscilla_June]

I agree that it's a matter of time. My current 4.65 story spent a couple of days flipping around the red H before settling, and the score is still varying.

I have one story that constantly flips between 4.49 and 4.5 with an H. Its maddening! LOL

 

[TheRedChamber]

You only published on the 4th. In my experience scores often start high, plummet within the first twenty-four hours and then work their way back up slowly. The story is good. I'd make the following comments.

1) I think there's a bit of a 'stakes' probem with the story. The word 'ambition' is in the title, but you're pretty vague about what exactly is saught except general promotion. Owen seems to already be competant, liked by his boss and doing important work, so its not entirely clear whats being bought with her body and also unclear how much they are doing it for ambition and how much for fun. Perhaps nit-picking, but to me 'pimping' also suggests something a bit stronger and less pleasant than the mutually consensual action offered here.

2) The boss comes across as tired, old and ineffectual in the first half of the story - which is fine for the transactional nature of the story - but then becomes a lot more alpha in the second half. The breeding fetish stuff also comes in rather suddenly towards the end. There's a bit of a weird disjoin between the husband encouraging his wife to go through with it at first and the final paragraph where he's seeming more jealous and bitter - perhaps thats not the intention but 'whiskey in hand...the little slut' when he's been portrayed as responsible and respectful to his wife previously gives a rather sudden change of tone that doesn't have time to be developed further as the story suddenly ends.

3) Personally I'm not a big fan of long text message exchanges. In real life exchanging 12 text messages is going to take a while and there are things supposedly going on at the same time as they're texting, so if you're going to do it you should probably include what the characters are doing in-between texts a little more - like you would with dialogue.

4) It seems like there's something a bit weird going on around the pool. She gets in the pool, the boss follows her in, she then has to get out to do the phone. Then

"Is there something I can help you with Mr. Gregg?" Rylee slipped slowly back into the water, her ass disappearing beneath the ripples as his eyes followed it down.

In the pool. Then some short dialogue later.

The wet plop of Rylee's pink bikini bottoms on the pool deck silenced the older man's stammering. The young woman stood against the wall of the pool bottomless, her pale skin a blurry illusion as they both reconciled their situation.

I'd intepret the 'pool deck' as the area around the pool, not the floor of the pool itself and the fact that her bikini is able to make a sound would support this. But then in the next sentence she's against the wall of the pool and clearly in the water. Maybe this section suffered from things being moved around.

5) You do a thing where the same character has dialogue across two paragraphs. For example.

"It is," Rylee said between long drawn out breaths.

"Just a sec." She nervously twisted her body around to face the wall. Reaching out she tried to grasp for her phone that was a few feet away from the edge. Her short arms however could not quite reach it, forcing her to pull herself up from the water.

OR

"You are truly a special woman Rylee." He said pulling both her nipples outward between his index fingers and thumbs as she gasped.

"I hope Owen treats you as such." His hand ran from her chest, up her neck, and to her jaw. Thumb on her throat he moved her head around and inspected her, commanding her every movement.

Given that all the spoken sections are quite short it might be less confusing for the reader to do these all as one paragraph as typically we expect the other character to speak in the next paragraph. At least move the actions in the second paragraph to before the speach so the reader knows we're still with the same character.

 

[TheRedChamber]

I have one story that constantly flips between 4.49 and 4.5 with an H. Its maddening! LOL

My most recent story has taken a month to work its way up from 4.43 to 4.48. Just need three more votes to be H, but no-one is biting. Hang in there.

 

[ofbuttons]

I have one story that constantly flips between 4.49 and 4.5 with an H. Its maddening! LOL

It truly is, lmao. I have a story chapter that rose up to 4.47 and then ground to a halt. Like come ooon.

 

[MajorRewrite]

You begin with summary: “Owen Spade is an ambitious young associate in Gregg Finch's firm. After a late night of working at an exclusive hotel, Owen recognizes an opportunity to curry favor with the boss by offering his wife as a midnight snack. Rylee Spade is all to willing to aid in her husband's ambitions.”

To me as a reader, you’ve just doused me with spoilers. My motivation to continue reading plummeted.

 

[Priscilla_June]

You only published on the 4th. In my experience scores often start high, plummet within the first twenty-four hours and then work their way back up slowly. The story is good. I'd make the following comments.

For sure, Ive seen it happen to. I just notice some anchoring at around the 4.4 level and its hard to break out of that. Silly question tho, you have a lot of H stories, but do you worry a lot about it? Do you judge a stories success by it?

1) I think there's a bit of a 'stakes' probem with the story. The word 'ambition' is in the title, but you're pretty vague about what exactly is saught except general promotion. Owen seems to already be competant, liked by his boss and doing important work, so its not entirely clear whats being bought with her body and also unclear how much they are doing it for ambition and how much for fun. Perhaps nit-picking, but to me 'pimping' also suggests something a bit stronger and less pleasant than the mutually consensual action offered here.

Very valid point, I think I was moreso trying to get to the action part and didn’t consider this. A more believable motivation then I guess.

2) The boss comes across as tired, old and ineffectual in the first half of the story - which is fine for the transactional nature of the story - but then becomes a lot more alpha in the second half. The breeding fetish stuff also comes in rather suddenly towards the end. There's a bit of a weird disjoin between the husband encouraging his wife to go through with it at first and the final paragraph where he's seeming more jealous and bitter - perhaps thats not the intention but 'whiskey in hand...the little slut' when he's been portrayed as responsible and respectful to his wife previously gives a rather sudden change of tone that doesn't have time to be developed further as the story suddenly ends.

I think the transition from tired to alpha was sudden. A little but inside of me was saying something to that affect and I ignored it.

As far as the husbands reaction… hmmm maybe I could have hinted more at the whole “wanting a kid thing” or maybe some lack of respect towards her as a sexual object. That may have helped there. Good suggestions.

Is the breeding too sudden? I guess my thing with breeding is sort of it being a sudden “your going to be bred” motivation and the female coming to terms with it given she already is so aroused.

3) Personally I'm not a big fan of long text message exchanges. In real life exchanging 12 text messages is going to take a while and there are things supposedly going on at the same time as they're texting, so if you're going to do it you should probably include what the characters are doing in-between texts a little more - like you would with dialogue.

Fair, I can deff take that under suggestion.

4) It seems like there's something a bit weird going on around the pool. She gets in the pool, the boss follows her in, she then has to get out to do the phone. Then

In the pool. Then some short dialogue later.

I'd intepret the 'pool deck' as the area around the pool, not the floor of the pool itself and the fact that her bikini is able to make a sound would support this. But then in the next sentence she's against the wall of the pool and clearly in the water. Maybe this section suffered from things being moved around.

I’ll have to go back and read this. In my head the phone is behind where she is standing against the wall of the pool. So when she pulls herself up she is turning away from him.

Then when she is “plopping” her bikini bottoms down it is on the deck behind her, around the pool. Maybe something more to the affect of “With a swish she had pulled her bikini bottoms from the water and plopped them on the pool deck” or something like that.

5) You do a thing where the same character has dialogue across two paragraphs. For example.

OR

Given that all the spoken sections are quite short it might be less confusing for the reader to do these all as one paragraph as typically we expect the other character to speak in the next paragraph. At least move the actions in the second paragraph to before the speach so the reader knows we're still with the same character.

Very fair, probably why I need to use an editor from here for now on hehe.

I VERY much appreciate your feedback on this, I hope at least it was mildly enjoying to read

 

[Priscilla_June]

You begin with summary: “Owen Spade is an ambitious young associate in Gregg Finch's firm. After a late night of working at an exclusive hotel, Owen recognizes an opportunity to curry favor with the boss by offering his wife as a midnight snack. Rylee Spade is all to willing to aid in her husband's ambitions.”

To me as a reader, you’ve just doused me with spoilers. My motivation to continue reading plummeted.

Eh. Its no different than the summary line under the title, just with more words. Readers are coming to read how the wife was eager and how it went down. The main themes are basically outlined in the synopsis: hotwife, husbands boss, cuckold. So im not too worried about that.

 

[TheRedChamber]

For sure, Ive seen it happen to. I just notice some anchoring at around the 4.4 level and its hard to break out of that. Silly question tho, you have a lot of H stories, but do you worry a lot about it? Do you judge a stories success by it?

I'm split when it comes to H's. Deep in my heart I want them, but I also want to write what I want to write rather than try to cater to what gets the Hs - so there's a contradiction there. I've a stated goal that I want to get half my stories to red H's. Once I pass that line I don't feel like I need to worry that every story gets an H. Its so dependent on which categories and what kind of stories you write (though just writing a good story can still get you over the line regardless).

I think the transition from tired to alpha was sudden. A little but inside of me was saying something to that affect and I ignored it.

As far as the husbands reaction… hmmm maybe I could have hinted more at the whole “wanting a kid thing” or maybe some lack of respect towards her as a sexual object. That may have helped there. Good suggestions.

Is the breeding too sudden? I guess my thing with breeding is sort of it being a sudden “your going to be bred” motivation and the female coming to terms with it given she already is so aroused.

It just seemed a little out of character. The old guy was kind of nervous and shy up till that point. If we're lucky enough to get with a new lady, most guys aren't risk a good thing by saying 'oh, and I want to get you pregnant as well' because, I've personally found, that end ups very quickly as a hard no. It'd be a bit different if there had been hints that she wanted to get pregnant before. I wouldn't necessary add 'treats her like a sex object' to the husband's character - their relationship was already good. The ending just didn't quite match.

I’ll have to go back and read this. In my head the phone is behind where she is standing against the wall of the pool. So when she pulls herself up she is turning away from him.

Then when she is “plopping” her bikini bottoms down it is on the deck behind her, around the pool. Maybe something more to the affect of “With a swish she had pulled her bikini bottoms from the water and plopped them on the pool deck” or something like that.

See I read it as a 'plopping' sound of wet clothes hitting the floor. Your suggested version would remove the confusion.

Very fair, probably why I need to use an editor from here for now on hehe.

I VERY much appreciate your feedback on this, I hope at least it was mildly enjoying to read

Yeah, sorry, I probably should have been more positive about this. I usually put more straight-forward praise at either the beginning or the end of the constructive feedback. Looks like I kind of skipped that by accident today. Sorry, as I said, it is a good story and shows improvement from what you were writing earlier last year.

 

[Priscilla_June]

I'm split when it comes to H's. Deep in my heart I want them, but I also want to write what I want to write rather than try to cater to what gets the Hs - so there's a contradiction there. I've a stated goal that I want to get half my stories to red H's. Once I pass that line I don't feel like I need to worry that every story gets an H. Its so dependent on which categories and what kind of stories you write (though just writing a good story can still get you over the line regardless).

So do you feel there are categories or types inherent to not getting good ratings? Would infidelity be one of them? I dont want to assume it is, but its what I gather so far. I think if I had much more stories with a good portion being Hs I’d feel a lot better. For now I feel like I am in a weird self-validation period where my confidence affects my writing.

It just seemed a little out of character. The old guy was kind of nervous and shy up till that point. If we're lucky enough to get with a new lady, most guys aren't risk a good thing by saying 'oh, and I want to get you pregnant as well' because, I've personally found, that end ups very quickly as a hard no. It'd be a bit different if there had been hints that she wanted to get pregnant before. I wouldn't necessary add 'treats her like a sex object' to the husband's character - their relationship was already good. The ending just didn't quite match.

I think the way I’ve been writing has been more porn logic and I think that is where a lot of the odd behaviors are coming from. Truth be told it probably isnt the best way to do it (sort of a wam bam smutty style). I need to think deeper on these characters for one-offs I imagine.

See I read it as a 'plopping' sound of wet clothes hitting the floor. Your suggested version would remove the confusion.



Yeah, sorry, I probably should have been more positive about this. I usually put more straight-forward praise at either the beginning or the end of the constructive feedback. Looks like I kind of skipped that by accident today. Sorry, as I said, it is a good story and shows improvement from what you were writing earlier last year.

No worries about being positive haha you did say it was a good story. And thanks for reviewing my last story as well! i am glad I am going in the right direction at least!!!

 

[Bazzle]

Trying to get H in fetish is difficult, because fetish is such a huggggggge spectrum. One persons fetish, is not another.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Trying to get H in fetish is difficult, because fetish is such a huggggggge spectrum. One persons fetish, is not another.

Oh I can see that too, i did notice the scores of all recent stories seemed lower than other categories.

 

[ElectricBlue]

So do you feel there are categories or types inherent to not getting good ratings? Would infidelity be one of them? I dont want to assume it is, but its what I gather so far. I think if I had much more stories with a good portion being Hs I’d feel a lot better. For now I feel like I am in a weird self-validation period where my confidence affects my writing.

Loving Wives, for starters. It's the most vitriolic, polarised group of readers, and if you publish stories there, be prepared for a wide range of reactions.

The rest of the site has its foibles, but they're less dramatically expressed.

The main bugaboo is Gay Male - many readers really don't like it outside its category. Even so, write your story well enough, and adult readers will cope, if you've engaged them well enough ahead of a GM encounter (despite themselves )

I think the way I’ve been writing has been more porn logic and I think that is where a lot of the odd behaviors are coming from. Truth be told it probably isnt the best way to do it (sort of a wam bam smutty style). I need to think deeper on these characters for one-offs I imagine.

Here's a suggestion - write about "real" people, with emotions and feelings, don't write cartoon characters. That is, forget the porn tropes, write about people. I think you'll get a much more rewarding response from readers, especially if you bring blistering hot sex into the mix.

 

[TheRedChamber]

If you're interested 8letters did some analysis on the categories a few years ago. There's a huge variation in the scores and the views across the categories - Incest will get you views and a good chance of an H, Loving Wives gets views but has a hugely lower average. Erotic Horror gets you neither views or Hs and so on.

I find it quite useful, in the sense that I've got a story in Interracial which is on 4.3 in Interracial that I could be disappointed with until I realized that almost nothing in that group gets over 4.5 and its actually way further up the curve than many of my stories in other catagories that do get Hs.

Numbers are: number of stories, average views, average favourites, average rating, average comments, % of Red Hs

Transsexuals & Crossdressers 46 11.7 21.2 4.33 4.7 46%
Humor & Satire 7 3 3.1 4.03 2.5 43%
Romance 39 5.6 11.4 4.33 4.4 41%
Novels and Novellas 5 3.8 14.8 4.44 4 40%
Lesbian Sex 38 12.4 13.3 4.35 6 39%
Toys & Masturbation 12 4.9 3.6 4.27 1.3 33%
Sci-Fi & Fantasy 37 3.4 7.6 4.33 2.5 32%
Incest/Taboo 126 45.3 65.1 4.25 9.9 30%
Anal 15 15.5 13 4.16 2.2 27%
Mature 47 20.3 19.2 4.32 4.1 26%
Gay Male 70 10.9 11.9 4.16 3.3 26%
Letters & Transcripts 4 0.8 0.8 4.25 0.3 25%
Mind Control 41 6.5 9.6 4.14 1.4 22%
Exhibitionist & Voyeur 62 10.6 9.2 4.19 2 21%
Erotic Couplings 156 7.9 6.7 4.14 1.2 21%
Group Sex 61 16.5 13.8 4.13 1.8 20%
NonHuman 29 4.2 9.1 4.16 1.8 17%
First Time 32 15 10.1 4.11 2 13%
BDSM 60 6.8 4.5 4.08 1.2 12%
Fetish 62 6.8 7.3 4.02 1.8 11%
Celebrities & Fan Fiction 53 2.5 7 3.85 1.4 9%
NonConsent/Reluctance 65 19.7 14.9 4.07 3 5%
Erotic Horror 24 4.6 6.9 3.84 1.6 4%
Interracial Love 37 8.6 9.8 3.67 2.5 3%
Loving Wives 122 25.9 24.1 3.37 31.2 3%
Illustrated 3 26.1 0 3.12 0.7 0%

 

[ofbuttons]

^ That really does put some things in perspective. I'm doing alright over here in NC/R, turns out.

 

[Priscilla_June]

If you're interested 8letters did some analysis on the categories a few years ago. There's a huge variation in the scores and the views across the categories - Incest will get you views and a good chance of an H, Loving Wives gets views but has a hugely lower average. Erotic Horror gets you neither views or Hs and so on.

I find it quite useful, in the sense that I've got a story in Interracial which is on 4.3 in Interracial that I could be disappointed with until I realized that almost nothing in that group gets over 4.5 and its actually way further up the curve than many of my stories in other catagories that do get Hs.

Numbers are: number of stories, average views, average favourites, average rating, average comments, % of Red Hs

Transsexuals & Crossdressers 46 11.7 21.2 4.33 4.7 46%
Humor & Satire 7 3 3.1 4.03 2.5 43%
Romance 39 5.6 11.4 4.33 4.4 41%
Novels and Novellas 5 3.8 14.8 4.44 4 40%
Lesbian Sex 38 12.4 13.3 4.35 6 39%
Toys & Masturbation 12 4.9 3.6 4.27 1.3 33%
Sci-Fi & Fantasy 37 3.4 7.6 4.33 2.5 32%
Incest/Taboo 126 45.3 65.1 4.25 9.9 30%
Anal 15 15.5 13 4.16 2.2 27%
Mature 47 20.3 19.2 4.32 4.1 26%
Gay Male 70 10.9 11.9 4.16 3.3 26%
Letters & Transcripts 4 0.8 0.8 4.25 0.3 25%
Mind Control 41 6.5 9.6 4.14 1.4 22%
Exhibitionist & Voyeur 62 10.6 9.2 4.19 2 21%
Erotic Couplings 156 7.9 6.7 4.14 1.2 21%
Group Sex 61 16.5 13.8 4.13 1.8 20%
NonHuman 29 4.2 9.1 4.16 1.8 17%
First Time 32 15 10.1 4.11 2 13%
BDSM 60 6.8 4.5 4.08 1.2 12%
Fetish 62 6.8 7.3 4.02 1.8 11%
Celebrities & Fan Fiction 53 2.5 7 3.85 1.4 9%
NonConsent/Reluctance 65 19.7 14.9 4.07 3 5%
Erotic Horror 24 4.6 6.9 3.84 1.6 4%
Interracial Love 37 8.6 9.8 3.67 2.5 3%
Loving Wives 122 25.9 24.1 3.37 31.2 3%
Illustrated 3 26.1 0 3.12 0.7 0%

Wow love this. Thanks for sharing. Gives a good prospective of where I can judge success then outside of Hs. I can just be content with being around average haha

Actually looking at this, most of my stories sit at an above average rating. Yay!

 

[Bazzle]

I gave you 5 stars. Its well written.
I am sure a string bikini would dig into soft MILFy hips not hug them?
Pregnancy fetish isnt something for me, but the craft of writing was good, with great build up.
Nicely done.

 

[Priscilla_June]

I gave you 5 stars. Its well written.
I am sure a string bikini would dig into soft MILFy hips not hug them?
Pregnancy fetish isnt something for me, but the craft of writing was good, with great build up.
Nicely done.

Awesome! I’m glad you enjoyed it and thankful you let me know, its a good feeling when folks enjoy the story.

 

[Bazzle]

Awesome! I’m glad you enjoyed it and thankful you let me know, its a good feeling when folks enjoy the story.

Authors always crave positive feedback.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Authors always crave positive feedback.

Its all the self-loathing and eye that only sees the negatives in their art.

 

[Priscilla_June]

As an aside, how often to vote sweeps happen? Where the system removes suspect votes?

 

[TheRedChamber]

As an aside, how often to vote sweeps happen? Where the system removes suspect votes?

They definitely happen before the results of a competition are announced and they seem to crop up every month or so. I think they're also run regularly each month, but I'm not sure. If you're really interested ask on the AH forum and you might get a more accurate answer. Otherwise, patience, it'll happen eventually.