Time is Precious..(feedback please)

[~Dream~]

Time is Precious
Time is precious,so they say
Don't seem to have enough each day
Time with our children,time with our friends
Seems like the day begins,
and just as suddenly ends

Use your time wisely,It's given from above
Take time to be with those you love
Show people that you Really care ,
For they will not always be there

Let others know what they mean to you
in things you say,in what you do
Time for yourself,is important too
It can help when you are feeling blue

To Love is law,and never a crime
as slowly ticks the hands of time..

 

[WickedEve]

dream, look what you're capable of...

I would describe myself as a fragrant Lilac..
My grandmother always called me that when I was younger,as she had so many bushes of them on her farm where I grew up.She had both purple and white ones..
The bees buzzing all around are the "men"who surround my life.
The swaying to and fro in the gentle breeze is my call to love..

You posted this on the flower's of lit thread. It would make a very good poem.

A fragrant lilac,
Grandmother called me that when I was younger.
Purple and white ones,
so many on her farm where I grew up.
Bees buzzed all around them,
like the men who surround my life.
The sway to and fro in the gentle breeze
is my call to love.

 

[~Dream~]

Wicked Eve

thank-you sweet lady you always know how to bring me cheer ty

 

[Lauren Hynde]

Hi, Angel

I'm sorry it took me so long to finally have a go at this. I've been fiddling a little with your poem, but you don't have to listen to me, we're both just learning and I don't always know what I'm doing.

Anyway... The overall idea of your poem is great, but there are a few things that didn't make too much sense for me:

Time is precious, so they say
Don't seem to have enough each day
Time with our children, time with our friends
Seems like the day begins,
and just as suddenly ends

I have a specific problem with the first verse: so they say. By itself, this could be understood as sarcastic (I can almost hear you scowling), but the rest of the poem doesn't reflect this first impression at all. You do agree with what they say.

Another problematic part is the ending couplet, supposedly the most important stanza off them all:

To Love is law, and never a crime
as slowly ticks the hands of time...

This is a beautiful couplet, but it seems rather forcefully inlaid into this piece. It doesn't quite belong. To Love is law, and never a crime is all very well, but where did it come from? And as slowly ticks the hands of time contradicts the rest of the poem, doesn't it? You just established that Time runs too fast and we cannot waist it!

Just one more thing: you are not saying anything new here. There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but "Time is precious" must be on the all time top ten clichés list (when someone tells me this about something I wrote my initial reaction is something like "cliché your ass" so I won't be offended if you want to bite my head off) which makes creating a solid poem out of it that much more difficult. You are obviously aware of this cliché issue
---
Time is precious, so they say
Use your time wisely, it's given from above
---
but you can use this to your advantage. The whole feel of your poem is that of a gloss i.e. a poetic explanatory composition in which each stanza ends with a verse from a motto. In this case, your motto ("Time Is Precious") only has one verse, which isn't rare, but you inverted the gloss and used it in the beginning. I think the poem could gain a lot if you adopted the standard form. I'd prefer to build the poem up to "Time Is Precious", not deconstruct it from there.

And speaking of form, did you notice how close you came to write a sonnet? Why didn't you go for it? You only needed to turn the first five verses stanza into a quartrain and work on the meter a little. I gave it a shot and played with your rhymes a bit to conform the poem to sonnet standards, only with iambic tetrameter (a couple of syllables shorter than usual). Use it or toss it:


 Glossing the motto
"Time Is Precious"

We feel it drift away under our skins,
Time with our children, with our friends.
It seems as though the day begins
And just as suddenly it ends

Be wise with Time, it's told from above,
'cause they won't be forever there:
Take time to be with those you love,
Let people know how much you care.

In all you say, and how you act,
Show others what they mean to you.
And time alone, it's a well known fact,
Can help when you are feeling blue.

It doesn't seem to be enough each day,
For "Time is precious" - as they say -

 

[~Dream~]

ty Lauren

that was a wonderful critique and just what I was looking for..