Time for a new joke collection

[LukkyKnight]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: 'My friend is dead! What can I do?'

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: 'Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.'

'Hold on a sec...'

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: 'OK, now what?'

 

[thumbs2_ca]

lol

I loved it Lukkyknight

A Great Retirement Present

The neighborhood postman was retiring after 25 years. On his last
day of delivering mail, all of the people on his route left him
something in the mail box in honor of his retirement. Some left
money, some left small gifts, and some met him at the door and
invited him in for a meal. This went on all through the
neighborhood. As he proceeded through his route, the gifts got
better and better. One house even gave him a gold watch!

He was so satisfied, but the last house paled in comparison. As
he was putting the mail in the mailbox, the door opened, and the
woman of the house stood there in beautiful lingerie. She invited
him inside. He knew that this woman's husband was a truck driver
and was away, so he went inside. She proceeded to give him the
day and night of his life.

The next morning he woke up to find she was bringing him
breakfast in bed. He found a dollar bill under his plate as he
ate and asked her about it. She explained, "When I called my
husband to tell ask him what we should give you for your
retirement, he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar.' Breakfast
was my idea."

 

[shyybabe]

Genie


A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologise and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guara ntee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're righ t.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

"You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the
afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop fun, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

" Really?! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

 

[A Desert Rose]

Knock Knock!

Who's there?

Sherwood.

Sherwood who?

Sherwood like to meet ya!

 

[mig]

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York arrived.Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door Peter said he would have to check with God before he let them in.

After hearing the news God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous.

A few minutes later peter returned to God and said,"They're gone".
"What,all the New Yorkers gone",asked God.
"No",replied Peter,"The Pearly Gates".

 

[LukkyKnight]

"No",replied Peter,"The Pearly Gates".

~LOL~

 

[sarahuk4]

Hope you like this one ...


A guy is browsing in a pet shop and see a parrot sitting on a little
> perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh,
I
> wonder what happened to this parrot?"
>
> The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
> "Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"
> "I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent,
> thoroughly educated bird."
>
>"Oh yeah?", the guy asks, "Then answer this....How do you hang onto
> your perch without any feet?" "Well," the parrot says, "this is very
> embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this
wooden bar
> like a little hook. You can't
> see it because of my feathers." "Wow" says the guy. "You really can
> understand and speak English,can't you?"
>
> "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with
> reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports,
> physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really
ought to
> buy me. I'd be a great companion."
> >
> The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
> that." "Pssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody
> wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably can get me for
$20. Just
> make the guy an offer!"
>
> The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The
> parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's
interesting, he's
> a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's
insightful.
> The guy is delighted. One day he comes home from work and the parrot
> goes Pssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
> "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your
> wife and the postman." "What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When
> the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a
sheer
> black nightly and kissed him passionately."
>
> "WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?" "Well,
> then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and
began
> petting her all over," reported the parrot.
> "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?" "Then he lifted up her nightie,
> got down on his knees and began to lick her
> all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down....."
>
> "WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?" "Damned if
> I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
>
>

 

[sarahuk4]

And this one .....



A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

 

[LustrusStorm]

Survivor, Texas Style.

The contestants will starting in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San
Antonio,
over to Houston, and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to
Del
Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock, and Amarillo.
From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to
Dallas.

Each will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads,

"I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, and I'm here to
confiscate your guns!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!

 

[sarahuk4]

Hope you like this one ..

three women sat at a bar..eventually after a few drinks the conversation get's round to sex..they get round to the size of their pussys...

first one says..my man can get his whole hand in..

second says..my man can get his whole foot in..

third one just smiles..and slides down the barstool.....

 

[LustrusStorm]

My Penis Wants A Pay Rise

I, the Penis, hereby request a rise in salary for the following reasons:

* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I plunge head first into everything I do
* I do not get weekends or public holidays off
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in! high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases

The Response...

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen
visiting other locations
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe necessary safety regulation, such as wearing the correct, protective clothing
* You will retire well before you are 65
* You are unable to work double shifts
* You sometimes leave your designated work before you have complete the assigned task
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly
entering and exiting ! the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags


Sincerely,
The Management

 

[LustrusStorm]

Lez-bonics

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians?
...A licker cabinet.>

2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?... A
Klondyke.

3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
...Militia Etheridge.

4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the
same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay
on their face.

5. Why do lesbians want to be reincarnated as
whales?
...So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of
the tops of their heads.

6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe?
...Fur Traders.

7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A
Lickalotapuss.

8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
...Well Hung.

9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods?
Fingerpaint. (eeewwwww)

10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna?
...POTPOURRI.

11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her
partner? .
..See you next month.

12. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
...She was found face down in Ricki Lake.

13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar?
...Even the pool table doesn't have balls.

14. Do you know what drag is?
...It's when a man wears everything a lesbian won't.

15. What do you call lesbian twins?
...Lick-a-likes.

16. How can you tell if a lesbian is butch?
...She kick-starts her vibrator and rolls her own tampons.

17. What's the definition of confusion? ...Twenty
blind
lesbians in a fish market.

18. What's the difference! between a ritz cracker and a lesbian?
...One's a snack cracker, the other a crack snacker

 

[shyybabe]

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.

2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and show you a good time.

3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.

4. It is important that these three men never meet.