Thrusting and twisting

[choco1469]

You breathe into me
With your luscious kiss
I am alive
In this moment
In this life
Want this to last forever
As you enter me
You suck the breath out of me
I am awake
I am reborn
I rejoice this moment
As I scream in pleasure
I want more more more
Of this pleasure
That will soon end
Naked bodies
In one
Thrusting and twisting
I will follow you
If you follow me
For round two
Of being alive
In this heat
Of the moment

 

[twelveoone]

You breathe into me
With your luscious kiss
I am alive
In this moment
In this life
Want this to last forever
As you enter me
You suck the breath out of me
I am awake
I am reborn
I rejoice this moment
As I scream in pleasure
I want more more more
Of this pleasure
That will soon end
Naked bodies
In one
Thrusting and twisting
I will follow you
If you follow me
For round two
Of being alive
In this heat
Of the moment

you are getting better, poetry relies on repeating patterns, the interlocking and disruption of the patterns. It also lives with fresh language. Can you point out the cliches?

The writer must read. What are you reading?

 

[choco1469]

thank you.
you pointed out the cliches in black
i reread my poetry and poetry on livejournal.com and novels

 

[twelveoone]

thank you.
you pointed out the cliches in black
i reread my poetry and poetry on livejournal.com and novels

they may be, I pointed out the repeats in black. I want you to point out the cliches.
The question, more directly, is what other poets do you read? You really don't have to answer. It is merely a recommendation.

In this heat
Of the moment
is cliched, the poem ends much better with:
For round two
Of being alive

Some words on development, you learn something, you learn something else, it goes on...at some point it begins to come together. At your own pace. I was trying to say, I beginning to see it.
Best.

 

[Senna Jawa]

choco, you are just craving here for attention. An artist has to be infinitely confident while at the same time infinitely humble. You're not humble, you're too concerned about your belly button like it were the most important point in the whole Universe. Sure, indulge yourself, but by doing so you'll never write anything of poetic value.

OK, I'll humor you, I'll comment one more time.

You breathe into me
...
...
As you enter me
You suck the breath out of me

The physics of these scenes does not work. And don't even dream about providing a contorted explanation that it is possible. Your goal was to write poetry and not a text in need of author's protection.

The author's duty is to describe or rather induce images. The reader's duty is to recreate them. But for that, which is the foundation of poetry, you need to provide images which make sense, which are plausible and believable (they don't have to be true; a poet has the privilege of lying their head off, while s/he has to be convincing).

I am alive
In this moment
In this life
Want this to last forever

This is totally boring. Indeed, it's generic. Instead of repeating the phrases which you have heard a thousand times write something which is you.

I am awake

This would make some sense if the text were written in the past tense: I was awake.

Sure, occasionally a man makes love to a woman which is asleep, hopefully with her consensus--then it can be fun. But here the lyrical subject is talking in the present tense hence we--the readers--know that she is awake. Mentioning "I am awake" produces an unwanted effect of the text being awkwardly funny in a wrong way. And once again you may be tempted to tell me that I don't understand... I do. It doesn't matter, the phrase in question is poor. In poetry the author is responsible for all half reasonable interpretations of their words, and especially for the interpretations which make direct sense. In everyday life it is the intended sense which counts most of the time (and even this is not quite true). But poetry is the art of words, and words have to be used by an author in a responsible way. It's like a cop shooting in the crowd. You are responsible for all victims of your shooting, also for the innocent lives.

I am reborn
I rejoice this moment
As I scream in pleasure
I want more more more
Of this pleasure
That will soon end

It's all hopelessly boring again. For the same reason as earlier. On the top of it, you don't seem to appreciate that poetry is the art of words, when you write "this pleasure", wasting precious words. You had a chance to say something interesting, something perhaps exciting or colorful or insightful. Instead, you just serve your reader this impotent repetition "this pleasure". And how am I supposed to believe you, when all I get is an empty proclamation.

And the last line above is humorous in an unintended way--are you making fun of your lover? Once again you might try to explain yourself but I see what I see, and I read what I read.

When you write be in a state of a very intense and fast feedback loop. You write and you take a step back (in your mind), and you read and criticize what you have just written, and you instantly correct your phrase when needed. If the effect of an early premature ejaculation was not what you have intended then you change your phrasing.

Naked bodies
In one

This sounds like an advertisement, like you're selling something at a discount. Two in one, and naked as an extra bonus.

I will follow you
If you follow me

This cliche is "Hallmark poetry", ugh, uck.

===========

You are mixing different styles. You use high language like "luscious kiss", "to last forever", "rejoice", ... with crude technical terms like "as you enter me" or "for round two". This creates a completely unnecessary unpleasant, disharmonious effect.

===========

I don't know if you care about what I have written above but I hope that someone does. If you do then stop bothering us with your overproduction, say for the next two months (do you have that much of discipline?). Use that time to do some thinking about poetry rather than about yourself. Oh well, regards,

 

[Senna Jawa]

You breathe into me
With your luscious kiss
I am alive
In this moment
In this life
Want this to last forever
As you enter me
You suck the breath out of me
I am awake
I am reborn
I rejoice this moment
As I scream in pleasure
I want more more more
Of this pleasure
That will soon end
Naked bodies
In one
Thrusting and twisting
I will follow you
If you follow me
For round two
Of being alive
In this heat
Of the moment

Before some of you contradict (jump on) me, please remember that some my comments were written in the context of the given text only, and not as universal rules. For instance, in general, on occasions, mixing different kinds of language can be an excellent artistic device. But in the given case it was awful.

A poor poem has most of the time certain symptoms. An author should be aware of them. For instance, this poem has word "this" occurring 6 (six!) times within 24 short lines. When you use a poetically useless word like a pronoun "this" so densely then it's astronomically unlikely that your poem is any good. Each time when there is a pronoun there could have been something that has color, smell, touch, temperature to it. But "this" has nothing, is nothing.

 

[twelveoone]

This is totally boring. Indeed, it's generic. Instead of repeating the phrases which you have heard a thousand times write something which is you.

And how am I supposed to believe you, when all I get is an empty proclamation.

Not disagreeing and i do hope people do read what you just wrote.

But this goes way beyond poetry doesn't it?

You hear something 1,000 times, you wind up with a 1,000 Reich. Because they do believe it. And the emptier the proclamation, the more they believe.

What's missing? Thinking it though. That may be the hurdle she has to take.

 

[choco1469]

thank you for the advices, hence why i put my poems up to be read and get advices