Throwing myself to the Wolves...

[Trudy_Antone]

"Heartless"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=485990

Here's my first attempt at BDSM. It's short (one page), first person, present tense, no plot, no names, no character descriptions, written for a gorgeous man who loves to cyber spank me but has gotten progressively kinkier as the emails continue.

Most likely for the reasons above, it's gotten the worst score I've ever had on one of my stories.

I'd love to know what you experts think. Considering I've never been spanked or hurt or dominated, is her(my) headspace believable?

 

[4glory6]

"Heartless"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=485990

Here's my first attempt at BDSM. It's short (one page), first person, present tense, no plot, no names, no character descriptions, written for a gorgeous man who loves to cyber spank me but has gotten progressively kinkier as the emails continue.

Most likely for the reasons above, it's gotten the worst score I've ever had on one of my stories.

I'd love to know what you experts think. Considering I've never been spanked or hurt or dominated, is her(my) headspace believable?

Slugging it "a nasty little scene" might have influenced the reader attitude toward it.

 

[polynices]

"Heartless"
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=485990

Here's my first attempt at BDSM. It's short (one page), first person, present tense, no plot, no names, no character descriptions, written for a gorgeous man who loves to cyber spank me but has gotten progressively kinkier as the emails continue.

Most likely for the reasons above, it's gotten the worst score I've ever had on one of my stories.

I'd love to know what you experts think. Considering I've never been spanked or hurt or dominated, is her(my) headspace believable?

This is a challenge, but I'll try:

1. It's a powerful piece, and very well-written. There's absolutely no question about that. The language, always good, is at times poetic. E.g.

When you woke this morning, your unjust cock rising with the sun, I thought you'd reward me.

and:

... I'm automatically there, mouth open like a baby bird, ...

There are lots of moments like this.

2. I felt fascinated and guilty all the time I was reading it. I'm not immune to the kinky attractions of S/M (in my mind at least) but this piece shocked me. It really is about abuse. (You actually use that word at one point, I think.)

3. I was very relieved when I re-read your post here and took this in:

Considering I've never been spanked or hurt or dominated, ...

because, up to then, I thought it was a description of an actual experience you'd been through. So, to answer your question - ... is her(my) headspace believable? - yes, to me it is. But then I'm not a submissive, and if I did the things the male character does here, I'd feel like a criminal.

4. A large part of the fascination for me lay in wondering how anybody could willingly expose herself to this kind of treatment. I thought your piece was excellent in showing the gamut of extreme emotions the woman goes through - that's one of its strengths as a piece of fiction. But I have no way of knowing if that's really how submissives feel. It convinced me as fiction. I wonder, though, if a fully contextualised experience like that (i.e. a story with a history - with character, plot etc.) would have a much darker and far more disfunctional hinterland?

5. You say:

... it's gotten the worst score I've ever had on one of my stories.

I wonder if that's because other readers were as shocked as I was? That's just conjecture, of course, but it's probably difficult to admit to having a response to something so brutally sadistic - and difficult, as well, to work out what that response is. Whatever the explanation for the votes is, I think this is yet another example of Literotica scores being assigned for reasons other than the overall quality of the writing. - Because, as I said at the start, the writing is decidedly good.


- polynices

 

[sr71plt]

I agree with polynices. The writing is excellent. Thus, my guess is that the readers are reacting to the content. And, since this is a minority fetish, unless you didn't want (or anticipate) a visceral response to the content, consideration of rating probably should have been a throwaway from the get go.

But one never knows. I have a series on sounding (similiar in atmosphere to your piece, I think) here that I expected to get a slambang response from the majority of readers, but that has gotten great ratings. So, you just never know--and probably shouldn't put too much effort into trying to know. Just go on to writing the next piece. And it's OK if it's a controversial one, because your writing is excellent.

 

[driphoney]

You did a great job. Do you give lessons?

Some folks have a strong anti-second person (talking to "you") bias, maybe that's part of the low-vote problem.

 

[Dream_Operator]

I'm not into BDSM, but I did end up writing a story (link in sig) for someone who is (or probably more accurately, wants to be). So, I did learn a bit about it, both from the woman I wrote the story for, and the several editors who volunteered to edit it.

Here's my take:

1) Your sub is not realistic (for them). Being a sub is about total submission and devotion. Lines like this--

When you woke this morning, your unjust cock rising with the sun, I thought you'd reward me. I more than deserved it. I had no qualms straddling you to take my rightful due. You owed me that.

--will piss off both Doms and subs alike. People who are into this lifestyle take it very seriously. And I think it is difficult for an outsider to understand it enough to write an accurate, believable and compelling story.

2) Those who don't approve of this fetish will it vote it down, much like the Loving Wives category. This happened to me (I believe) but the votes were later removed.

 

[SpiritRider]

Dream_Operator....the next lines in the story are the result of her actions. Taken alone it would be completely out of context with the story, but she did well with his reaction.

As far as I'm concerned it was an excellent read. Then why the bad ratings? Who knows. Maybe the mention of abuse or maybe people just didn't want to admit to themselves that those emotions run thru their minds. Another reason, and probably the most accurate, is the lack of self control shown by him is palpable. The administering of anything in anger is normally considered forbidden.

One thing I did notice was a few obvious misspellings. Biggest one being "Piecepipe" instead of Peacepipe. Either you or the editor needs to slow down and proofread, proofread, proofread.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree wholeheartedly with polynices and sr that your writing is a joy to read but would suggest that therein lies the problem.

Your story is not BDSM - you break all the fundamental rules of the game. The abuse and nastiness, whilst key to your story, falls outside the normal power exchange etiquette.

Yes, second person is not usually very popular here - too abstruse. The normal dichotomy/adoration between master and slave is missing as the piece is one-sided. Simplistically as well, the decision not to characterize the protags and change time periods would put off many readers.

sr makes a very pertinent point in saying that if you want to write/post an extremely edgy story on simple Lit, you should stop worrying about scores. You set out to shock and reap the results of that.

There are writers who disable voting because their only interest is to be read, and I respect them. To want to stretch the boundaries (which you do) and still get popular acclaim is rather like baying at the moon.

Your story, however good, is not the kind of 'Happy Ending' erotica that the site is usually about and the scores probably reflect that.

 

[driphoney]

A few misspellings won't kill your story even though a few Grammar Nazi's might make mention or even vote down. Yours were not glaring. I've had glaring ones even with editing because I get so nervous during the final edit/read-through (and now acknowledge I need a final proofer to catch those snags,) and thankfully, my few readers have kindly stepped around them.

Elfin and SR make a good point. When you step outside genre expectations, you can tick people off. Silly, but it's the way of things.

What are you writing next? Anything?

 

[sr71plt]

Dream_Operator....the next lines in the story are the result of her actions. Taken alone it would be completely out of context with the story, but she did well with his reaction.

As far as I'm concerned it was an excellent read. Then why the bad ratings? Who knows. Maybe the mention of abuse or maybe people just didn't want to admit to themselves that those emotions run thru their minds. Another reason, and probably the most accurate, is the lack of self control shown by him is palpable. The administering of anything in anger is normally considered forbidden.

One thing I did notice was a few obvious misspellings. Biggest one being "Piecepipe" instead of Peacepipe. Either you or the editor needs to slow down and proofread, proofread, proofread.

I edited it. Not to say I don't let through some mistakes when I edit (there's no such thing as perfect copy)--but there is such a thing as a "piecepipe," and as the author notes in the comments on the story, she used it purposely. Google it. She also used some British spellings. She's Australian, and I pointed to them, but if those are the other misspellings you're talking about, she chose to remain Australian in her spellings.

Sometimes readers don't know spelling and grammar--or publishing standards--as well as they think they do.

 

[SpiritRider]

But it's the readers that matter if you're trying to get votes.

Didn't see in her post that she was Australian, didn't see any notes attached to the story...my mistake, I apologize. Should have known better than to comment on something I have first hand knowledge of and just let the far more established members, who admittedly aren't "into" bdsm, state their opinions.

As I said the first time...I think it was an excellent read.

 

[sr71plt]

Yes, that's why I've sort suggested here from time to time that writers were best served to try to use the American idiom on this U.S.-based story site. Not because the American idiom is better than the British, but because a preponderance of readers seem to be American--and the preponderance of Americans are so insular that they don't realize (realise?) that a British spelling is just as good as an American one. (Although it's best not to mix and match, and the Aussies tend to do that.)

That suggestion almost always gets derisely "we had it first" responses from the British-speakers here. But you have put your finger on why one might try to write in the American idiom here (or at least try not to mix and match).

As far as "piecepipe," however, it's a distinct word and can be found with a bit of research. That sort of thing really is on the reader not to jump to presumptions (or to look it up).

Beyond that, I've found a big slice of readers who simply don't know proper (at least in the choices the publishing industry makes) grammar--and assume that they do. There's not much the author can do about that except grin and bear it.

 

[Trudy_Antone]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and critique, I really appreciate it. I'll be back to address everyone's comments but I'm inspired at the moment and a tad distracted...
Actually, it was YOU who gave me the idea Polynice, and some advice from Mr Moon.
And Thank-You again Sir Pit for your invaluable help, all the mistakes are most definitely mine. I've written in British English, with the exception of arse because I think ass is cuter. Arse always makes me think of a grotesque, hairy rear end for some reason...
And Piecepipe is a marijuana stealth smoking implement.

What are you writing next? Anything?

I'm working on a Poem, my first in at least a decade. This is what's distracting me...

(i)

Him again.
Blatant now.
Looking her up and down.

First time he'd swaggered past, she'd near spilt tea and spat a mouthful.
A hair's breadth decided cool from shame; cool won.
Her in her 'Army' tee, camo pants, converse; with walled, get-away-from-me attitude.
Hungry for sex, hoarding far too much pride.

Grateful for sunglasses, anonymous, sly, Livia could gobble him up with her eyes, in awe of the blonde Adonis, sauntering. Eyes on her. Checking her out.

Fuck me, she thought, heat and ice, dying and blooming inside.

It was best to stop this nonsense at once.
Look.
Away.
Don't dare dream.

He was one of those; the privileged few, personified wealth, a spew with breeding, collected hearts amassed on his belt.
Unnatural being with only laugh lines.
Square jaw. Rakish hair. Vivid, quirky, intelligent eyes.
A shimmering smile to blind the world and sway every woman's clothes off.

He was lethal. He knew it.
A fatal addiction: One night with him would mangle her soul.

She would harshly dwell on the endless hordes, the vast, unknown masses, the screaming groupies.
The women the cocky rogue must've conquered.
The Bastard.
Trawling for fun. Scouting her as the One.

God. good god, he was good. He was tempting.

A shiny, red apple of man-flesh.
Sink teeth in: Bite god, get whiplash.

But Livia erred to the cautionary side; scared, and scarred, and flawed as she was.

As if I'd fall for your reckless charms.
Walk on by, Angelic Stud.
Hasten and hit the road, Heartbreaker.

Of course that was never to be:
The moon had already risen that day, low over the trees, waxing, full. Ready to wash over lonely hearts.

And drown them.

(ii)

Livia's chest caved in, when, he abruptly stopped, turned, returned, hipped her table, positioned himself, at a one next to her's: Close.

And her heart para-diddled, when she heard his voice, such a sonorous, honeyed, melt your skin sound.
He ordered in fluent Espanol, gracias.
Easily winning the first round.
***

 

[Trudy_Antone]

Anyone have a clue how to edit poetry?

 

[polynices]

Actually, it was YOU who gave me the idea Polynice ...

I'm intrigued ...

- polynices