THRIVE ~ More Than Survivors

[Wild_Honey_66]

A very brave and needed thread, Honey. Thank you for creating a platform for a much needed discussion.

I don’t feel brave enough to contribute, and doubt I have anything useful to add. But I just wanted to show my support for you, the cause, and the thread.

Thank you, again.

If you're a hugger, i have those, too.

At this point, i don't feel brave, i feel angry and fed up, but determined to 'not go gentle,' you know?

Part of my frustration comes from knowing that there are no easy fixes. Life is complicated, people are complicated, relationships are complicated. Part of it comes from feeling that there is only so much we can do for ourselves, and at some point, if others are not willing to invest, the consequences of that affect everyone. I've been in this long enough to see the big picture - how one person's bad behavior trickles down to impact the lives of many others, for years to come.

I guess the good news is that it's never too late to get involved, to offer support, to help change someone's life for the better. And that *is* good news!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Many thanks to everyone who has chosen to post, whether or not you are sharing your experiences.

For each one of you here, how many are lurking and reading? Welcome to you all, too.

 

[LikeableMe]

I was raised to not ask for help when I needed to. Back in the day when it happened, I thought it was normal. Nowadays I realize it wasn't and I try to do my best to cope.

I think all abuses are difficult to talk about unless there are ways to disclose due to others around or other situations.

I always seem to be a ton more aware then some. I always get more anxious around strangers or strange surroundings just to be on the safe side.

I have a hard time with words like molest, abuse, many of those words really.

My generation was always told to man up when things happened. It's one reason I have a hard time sharing my experiences in this area. The one thing my past has taught me was to show my daughter how to protect herself and keeping the line of communications open so I can support her. I think that was the biggest lesson I got from my experiences.

Thank you for answering my question! It got a little lost back there lol!

I find that the hyper vigilance is ruining any relationship (whether friends, or more) as I start to grow anxious and watch for signs more and more, the closer I get to someone. I either pull away, or end up driving them away. It makes me feel as useless as people say I am!

Boundaries are another common issue for abuse survivors. As boundaries were so often crossed, it can be difficult to put them in place. I’m learning to do that. My siggy is an example of that, and I gently remind people not to cross that line, should they try to. It’s a necessary boundary for me right now, and I have every right to place it there. Only one person has crossed it, with permission, and the hyper vigilance is probably going to mess that up!

I think a lot of people don’t realise the lasting damage abuse can leave behind. It’s not over, even if you leave.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Is it okay if I ask a question?

One thing that I’m concerned with lately is hyper vigilance. I’ve become so used to having to read rooms and look for small/unspoken signs of trouble, that I do it with anyone I get close to. I used to just walk away from people, but I’m aware of it now, so a little more cautious, but it causes me a lot of anxiety, as I don’t know whether things are warnings signs, or just me being hyper vigilant. I keep meaning to get in touch with the helplines I know to discuss it, but some days I just can’t handle talking to them.

Anyone else deal with this?

I totally missed this!

Glad Azul is on the ball today.

 

[LikeableMe]

I totally missed this!

Glad Azul is on the ball today.

I posted twice in quick succession - it happens!

Just thought it might be helpful to give each other tips, and ask questions

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I posted twice in quick succession - it happens!

Just thought it might be helpful to give each other tips, and ask questions

Absolutely! Carry on!

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

...I used to just walk away from people...

I didn't think this would ever be me, but i guess I'm something of a flight risk now. Much less inclined to engage on anything beyond a superficial level to start with, but if they make it past the first guard station, they have to run the whole gauntlet and then some before getting even a 3-day pass, much less a parking space with their name on it.

I just don't have the energy or the desire to take risks anymore.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Why didn't I report? I was a minor and I told someone. Both times. I was told not to say anything. I was told I'd be looked at different. I was asked if I wanted my dad to go to prison if he found out, because he would hurt the men who hurt me. I was scared.

There are lots of reasons women don't report sexual harassment/abuse/assault until long after the fact, or at all. Also, it's normal for some victims of trauma to have extremely good memories for every detail of what happened, and for other victims to have fuzzy or partially missing memories. We all react to trauma a little differently.

The first response to someone sharing about their traumatic experience should be empathy. If we have to try to prove or disprove the claims, it should be done without attacking or shaming the victim. And if the accused person is found guilty, they should get a consequence that impacts their life in the same way they have impacted their victim's life.

Almost every woman I've ever met has been sexually harassed/abused/assaulted. So keep in mind that the way you talk about the Kavanaugh case, and other high profile rape cases, will influence whether your wife, daughter, sister, niece, etc views you as a safe and supportive ally, or a potential threat. Be an ally.

*applauds*

Well said, lovely.

 

[shmily]

What has been the response you've gotten from the people in your circles when you came forward about your experience?
it has been mixed. I usually keep quiet about the past. Yrs ago I was in a very good church with an awesome ladies group. A few knew of my past, a new lady was there and sometime during the evening discussion one of the ladies who knew my past - asked me to share a part of my story. We had taken a break and she took me aside and we prayed and she explained some of the new ladies story. After a bit I was lead to talk about the abuse - the escape - how even yrs later I looked over my shoulder. The woman broke down and asked for help to get out of a very bad situation w/kids. We helped her that weekend and got her and the kids into a shelter.

Did they believe you? Yes, some people have not - they think I brought it on myself, those people do not stay long in my circle.
Were they sympathetic? Some, especially those that have been there.

Did they offer support of any kind? Yes, we had a great group of women there. I have moved over the years but do stay in touch with a few of them.
Did they follow through? at the time I had already gotten out - and broke the pattern. My first 2 in depth relationships were abusive. I have been very cautious about getting involved since that time.

Were you ever made to feel as though it was somehow your fault? by a few males - never from a woman.
Or your problem to live with, or to solve on your own?

Thank you Wild_Honey your threads are always interesting.

 

[shmily]

I'm going to keep throwing out quick thoughts and questions, and do some longer replies later when i have time to ponder.

Q. Have you ever had a 'go bag'? What would you suggest someone put in theirs?

I never thought about a "go bag" - but when I woke up during the night - knowing there was a gun on the head board or a knife - and I could kill him in a heart beat and claim self defense because of the bruises in all shades and clumps of hair missing - I knew it was time to go. When I left I was not at home, but at work and just left with the clothes on my back. Lost lots of personal stuff.

But, now I would tell someone to keep important papers - passport, birth certificates, insurance info etc close and easy to get to - a box near the door. Clean laundry in a basket - handy.

 

[runsilent]

I recently found out that both our local suicide prevention and domestic violence hotlines are staffed by laypeople. Their job is to lend an ear, and offer resource contact info.

I was surprised, and not a little disappointed. Is that usual?

My town has a great shelter for domestic violence. They take in the kids too. Provide counseling and free educational scholarships that lead to an actual job. You can stay up to two years.

They have strict rules and you have to want to better yourself. Drugs, returning to your abuser or just ignoring the rules will get you asked to leave in three nights.

I think that's a good thing because they have limited resources and can only afford to pay for the ones that truly want a change.

 

[shmily]

My town has a great shelter for domestic violence. They take in the kids too. Provide counseling and free educational scholarships that lead to an actual job. You can stay up to two years.

They have strict rules and you have to want to better yourself. Drugs, returning to your abuser or just ignoring the rules will get you asked to leave in three nights.

I think that's a good thing because they have limited resources and can only afford to pay for the ones that truly want a change.

Awesome, my sister works at a place at home that provides the same - they have 4 houses throughout the town that they can set women & kids, and they even have a father & kids house.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Last night was my first night in a new house away from my ex.

No, i didn't throw a party, controlling people don't like it when the people they want to control pull away from them. Let's just say that it's been a stressful experience.

BUT... last night was my first night in a new house away from my ex.

 

[inkandiridiumnibs]

offers positive hugs to Honey

I don't feel I have a right to discuss my current situation here. But, I will say that I am a survivor of Sexual Assault from when I was a kid. I don't mean molestation, I mean full assault. I have no idea how long he spent in the hospital, but I do know my Mom broke a Louisville Slugger getting him off me until the police arrived. The neighbors didn't even call the cops. I never had to testify, but I never want anyone to have to experience a "rape Kit". Ever. I can also say that I have a solid 2 year gap where I just floated through life in a haze.

Thankfully, a few years ago, I actually found a counselor who Accepted what had happened to me. Prior to that, as an adult, I was blown off to the point that I quit looking for Mental Help. Why see people who don't believe you? At least when I was a kid, Mom had copies of the police docs to shove in a Counselors face when they told her I was making things up...

 

[LikeableMe]

Anyone got any words of encouragement for those who are struggling right now?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Welcome!

You're not annoying anyone. Bumping old threads is one of my favorite pastimes.

Tell me about your safety plan? Meaning, how do you address an anxiety attack?

 

[XBeautifulSoulX]

Anyone got any words of encouragement for those who are struggling right now?

The biggest words of encouragement I can offer right now as by seeing this thread and personal experience is you aren't alone and there is help available.
As Honey suggest let's talk about a saftey/exit plan.
How are you dealing with the current situation do you have a support person?
Hotlines help but sometimes the thoughts and words of a close friend can be the changing factor.

 

[LikeableMe]

Welcome!

You're not annoying anyone. Bumping old threads is one of my favorite pastimes.

Tell me about your safety plan? Meaning, how do you address an anxiety attack?

Finding it surprisingly difficult to answer that! Just now, I seemed to calm the onset of anxiety by taking a bath. Well, I think it was more that I gave myself the space to have one in private, so I got less overwhelmed by taking control of it, perhaps?

 

[LikeableMe]

The biggest words of encouragement I can offer right now as by seeing this thread and personal experience is you aren't alone and there is help available.
As Honey suggest let's talk about a saftey/exit plan.
How are you dealing with the current situation do you have a support person?
Hotlines help but sometimes the thoughts and words of a close friend can be the changing factor.

I did have, I’m not as certain of that right now. I’m stuck between motivation and wanting to give up.. (and embarrassed saying all this, but what have I got to lose now?) *

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

Finding it surprisingly difficult to answer that! Just now, I seemed to calm the onset of anxiety by taking a bath. Well, I think it was more that I gave myself the space to have one in private, so I got less overwhelmed by taking control of it, perhaps?

Brilliant! What else can you do that will help to bring that stress level down even further?

Have you learned to recognize your triggers yet?

 

[LikeableMe]

Brilliant! What else can you do that will help to bring that stress level down even further?

Have you learned to recognize your triggers yet?

I think it’s due to being overwhelmed. I have a lot to handle and take care of, all on my own, with opposition. At times it wears me down, and I’m pretty sure heartache is triggering everything now.

I have a plan, that’s to keep working 24/7 in this job I don’t like, to give me the money to achieve all the things I need to do home-wise. But it’s going to take me at least the rest of the year, and working so much, and having no life is like going from one negative to another, so at times it overwhelms me. I usually bounce back, but I feel like I’ve lost the one person I care about, so everything is weighing on me right now.

I feel like such a loser.

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I did have, it’s the thought that person who made me see I could have/deserved more having walked away that has brought about overwhelming anxiety attacks. I’m stuck between motivation and wanting to give up.. (and embarrassed saying all this, but what have I got to lose now?) *

Abandonment is sooo difficult to deal with. ((hugs you)) I'm sorry you're hurting.

Try to tell yourself that their actions are a reflection on something to do with them, and not a judgement on your worth. You are inherently valuable.

And please don't feel embarrassed, it takes courage to ask for help. Go you!!

 

[LikeableMe]

I think that people who haven’t been through some kind of abuse, don’t realise that some of the long lasting effects, such as anxiety, hyper vigilance, night terrors, PTSD (there are many more!) are hard to deal with. They are not intentional, or excuses, but rather something a person is battling with, to try to come through the other side. I used to work with survivors, and it was people who understood, and were patient and supportive with them, made them feel safe, that really made a difference.

(Not disclosing I have these things - certainly not all of them, anyway. Attempting to discuss another obstacle faced by survivors)

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I think it’s due to being overwhelmed. I have a lot to handle and take care of, all on my own, with opposition. At times it wears me down, and I’m pretty sure heartache is triggering everything now.

I have a plan, that’s to keep working 24/7 in this job I don’t like, to give me the money to achieve all the things I need to do home-wise. But it’s going to take me at least the rest of the year, and working so much, and having no life is like going from one negative to another, so at times it overwhelms me. I usually bounce back, but I feel like I’ve lost the one person I care about, so everything is weighing on me right now.

I feel like such a loser.

You're not a loser, tbough you may feel like one at the moment.

Bouncing back takes time, and the better care you take of yourself now, the more successful you will be in the long run.

Are you accomplishing basic needs like sleeping, drinking water, eating 3 meals a day, taking regular showers?

 

[Wild_Honey_66]

I think that people who haven’t been through some kind of abuse, don’t realise that some of the long lasting effects, such as anxiety, hyper vigilance, night terrors, PTSD (there are many more!) are hard to deal with. They are not intentional, or excuses, but rather something a person is battling with, to try to come through the other side. I used to work with survivors, and it was people who understood, and were patient and supportive with them, made them feel safe, that really made a difference.

Agreed.

Are you in therapy, on meds, or part of an online support group?