BigDaddyLuke
Mr. E
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2022
- Posts
- 5
I wore my first erotica and was hoping for feedback. Positive or negative. Here’s the link:https://literotica.com/s/i-shouldn-t. Please be honest. I can take it. Thanks all!
Thoughts on my first work?
- Thread starter BigDaddyLuke
- Start date
Mastered_again
Another Wordy Bitch
- Joined
- Feb 9, 2022
- Posts
- 504
I gave it a read. Sorry to say, some of the writing was tediously repetitive (for example)
Things had been stressful and we were tired and stressed out.
The way her gorgeous dark hair dangles on her face, dancing a little dance on her forehead.
If you tightened these up, the story would read better.
The story itself is an interesting idea, but for her to remain asleep throughout it all is implausible. A possible better conclusion is that she pretended to sleep and confessed to it all at the end. Hopefully bringing them closer together and resolving the drifting apart referenced at the beginning of the story
Things had been stressful and we were tired and stressed out.
The way her gorgeous dark hair dangles on her face, dancing a little dance on her forehead.
If you tightened these up, the story would read better.
The story itself is an interesting idea, but for her to remain asleep throughout it all is implausible. A possible better conclusion is that she pretended to sleep and confessed to it all at the end. Hopefully bringing them closer together and resolving the drifting apart referenced at the beginning of the story
BigDaddyLuke
Mr. E
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2022
- Posts
- 5
Thank you
AlexBailey
Kinky Tomgurl
- Joined
- Sep 12, 2019
- Posts
- 9,937
. "...pausing briefly on the breast present I could have asked for right now...."
A Freudian slip?
I understand how lots of detail can be good for fetishism but too much description can feel like directions. It was too much at some points for me.
Constantly changing between past and present tense was very distracting.
Your writing is vivid, keep at it, keep learning, and have fun.
A Freudian slip?
I understand how lots of detail can be good for fetishism but too much description can feel like directions. It was too much at some points for me.
Constantly changing between past and present tense was very distracting.
Your writing is vivid, keep at it, keep learning, and have fun.
Last edited:
BigDaddyLuke
Mr. E
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2022
- Posts
- 5
Thank you I appreciate it.. "...pausing briefly on the breast present I could have asked for right now...."
A Freudian slip?
I understand how lots of detail can be good for fetishism but too much description can feel like directions. It was too much at some points for me.
Constantly changing between past and present tense was very distracting.
Your writing is vivid, keep at it, keep learning, and have fun.
