Thoughtful advice would be appreciated.

[southern_gal]

This is gonna be longer than I'd like so please bear with me. If, after reading this you want to judge me and attack or belittle me, save it. Do us both a favor and not waste either of our time. However, if you have been where I am and have sound advice I am all ears.

I am married. Have been for awhile. I joined lit to explore more of me and try and peel back some of my several layers. Along the way in my journey I am discovering that I want more from my husband than apparently he is capable or willing to give. He works on an offshore oil platform and is gone for up to three weeks at a time. He has wanted to do this since birth I think. My problem is I want and need him home more. When he does get home he is back out on the water fishing with the same guys he spends all his time with working. That or the golf course. What about me? I have a good life and don't have to work but I'd trade the new cars and trucks and boat and everything else and live in a tent if I had someone there to hold me every night. I am also afraid that it's tearing us apart because we want different things apparently. I have started considering an affair just to get the attention I need. I know everyone will say we have to talk about it together. Ever talked about something so much that you are literally sick of bringing it up? I am. I'm also feeling about as lost as I ever have. And alone. I took down my pics of me and my av and everything because I thought I'd leave Lit and focus on us but the same ol things happen. So I am back and could really use some help. Thanks to all.

 

[southern_gal]

Do you have a common friend, relative, one of his pals or a wife of his pal whom you can talk to? I feel when the message is delivered to him through someone else it gets more attention.

Why would it be more important to him if he heard it from someone else? That might actually make me feel worse. I have always wanted him to be happy and feel like I have done just about everything I ever could've to make it that way. When I am in tears telling him what is going on inside of me and that isn't enough I am not sure I could take it if a mutual friend got thru to him better than I can. Thanks for the thoughts tho. Who knows, at this point I am willing to try anything to get it thru his hard head.

 

[unregistered]

 

[soflabbwlvr]

The two of you need couples counseling, ASAP. Tell him you're making an appointment for his next day or weekend off, and you expect him to join you if he wants to remain married. If he agrees, commit to the process and see if it helps. If he refuses, you have two options: continue living the way you are now, or make an appointment with a divorce attorney. If your financial affairs are in order--depending on the state where you live--you should do alright.

 

[southern_gal]

How does he respond when you tell him you are lonely?

I understand how you're feeling.

He's confused, He has a high risk and high pay job that he loves. He has never had to deal with me putting my needs out there. We are both hurting I guess but not sure if we are hurting over the same thing.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Youre poised to seriously fuck up your life for some cock. Don't. Cock wont pay the bills, and youll miss the money more than the cock.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

He's confused, He has a high risk and high pay job that he loves. He has never had to deal with me putting my needs out there. We are both hurting I guess but not sure if we are hurting over the same thing.

Youre a fool. Do him a big favor and toss him back for another woman to pull in her boat.

 

[southern_gal]

The two of you need couples counseling, ASAP. Tell him you're making an appointment for his next day or weekend off, and you expect him to join you if he wants to remain married. If he agrees, commit to the process and see if it helps. If he refuses, you have two options: continue living the way you are now, or make an appointment with a divorce attorney. If your financial affairs are in order--depending on the state where you live--you should do alright.

Agreed. I will be finding someone we can see when he gets back home. I just don't think he knows how serious it is effecting me. It is a drastic step but I can't stand the thought of slipping away from him and at the same time I just need more than I am getting.

 

[southern_gal]

Youre poised to seriously fuck up your life for some cock. Don't. Cock wont pay the bills, and youll miss the money more than the cock.

Youre a fool. Do him a big favor and toss him back for another woman to pull in her boat.

You're right. I do have it good. In fact for the most part I am happy and have always been a happy person. It must be difficult being you. However I think you deserve your misery. Enjoy.

One more thing for you mr wonderful. I am a cpa and could teach again if I wanted to. I don't need a man to take care of me financially. I need one to take care of me emotionally and physically. Yes money is important but I have the ability to take care of myself. I did before and can again.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You're right. I do have it good. In fact for the most part I am happy and have always been a happy person. It must be difficult being you. However I think you deserve your misery. Enjoy.

One more thing for you mr wonderful. I am a cpa and could teach again if I wanted to. I don't need a man to take care of me financially. I need one to take care of me emotionally and physically. Yes money is important but I have the ability to take care of myself. I did before and can again.

BRIDGE OUT AHEAD!

Its your life, fer sure. But I've known a few modern gals who fucked themselves with their I AM WOMAN arrogance when they got sick or fell outta favor at the home office. You may wanna consider getting some lithium for your bipolar disease.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

What kind of communication do you have/ can you have while he's out on the rig? E-mail, phone calls, letters? How private are communications, if you can have them?

I've found that telling your partner you feel lonely and like you aren't getting the love you need is clear to you, but may not be clear to them because love means something different to them and, as they see it, they are supplying you with love and don't understand why it's not enough. If you haven't read it before (or even if you have and it's been a while) get a copy of "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I don't agree with everything he says and the derivative books are more or less worthless, but I found the original book to be a great resource for helping me identify in myself and past partners what acts of love held the most value.

Your husband isn't going to leave his job for one where he's home more often. It sounds like this kind of schedule was a known part of the deal when you started your relationship together. Some people will tell you that since you knew this was the price of admission coming in that you can't complain now. That's bullshit. You always have the right to find something isn't working as you'd planned or not working for you the way it once did and figure out a change to improve your life.

What does his job/schedule allow you to do that enriches and fulfills you? You say you don't have to work - do you want to? Will that freedom allow you to take less than you could live on yourself for a job you find rewarding in other ways, or volunteer, or educate yourself?

 

[Mr_Jon_Thon]

Ultimatums rarely work well. If he actually agrees to therapy, there's a good chance he'll resent you for it. And the countdown clock for divorce will jump ahead a few ticks.

Sadly, your situation is common. If both parties don't work at it, it doesn't work. And band-aides only last for so long.

 

[southern_gal]

BRIDGE OUT AHEAD!

Its your life, fer sure. But I've known a few modern gals who fucked themselves with their I AM WOMAN arrogance when they got sick or fell outta favor at the home office. You may wanna consider getting some lithium for your bipolar disease.

I must admit that you are good at making me smile. Your know it all attitude is actually amusing. You have spent so many years being hateful and I imagine friendless that you are like a disease. You think you can read a few posts and just like that, have all the answers. What a man you are. You know nothing about being alone for weeks on end. You never cared. You only cared about you. You know nothing about giving all of you and just wanting a little bit back emotionally. It's about a personal connection you hard headed old goat. You have spent your life being so sure that you have all the answers and anyone with a different view MUST be wrong. You poor pitiful man. You think money and power means everything? When is the last time you smiled? Better yet, when is the last time someone around you smiled BECAUSE of you?? And your leaving their presence does not count as a reason they smiled.

 

[SunDevilGirl]

My problem is I want and need him home more. When he does get home he is back out on the water fishing with the same guys he spends all his time with working. That or the golf course. What about me? I have a good life and don't have to work but I'd trade the new cars and trucks and boat and everything else and live in a tent if I had someone there to hold me every night. I am also afraid that it's tearing us apart because we want different things apparently. I have started considering an affair just to get the attention I need. I know everyone will say we have to talk about it together. Ever talked about something so much that you are literally sick of bringing it up? I am. I'm also feeling about as lost as I ever have. And alone. I took down my pics of me and my av and everything because I thought I'd leave Lit and focus on us but the same ol things happen. So I am back and could really use some help. Thanks to all.

What exactly do you want from him? Do you want him to change jobs so he's home every night? Having him home to hold you every night doesn't necessarily mean you'll stop feeling lonely. Do you need him to be THERE more when he is home? More sex? More talk? More affection?

If you are to the point you're considering having an affair or ending your marriage I'd make sure you know exactly what you want. Then make sure he knows what you expect and what you are considering.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

I must admit that you are good at making me smile. Your know it all attitude is actually amusing. You have spent so many years being hateful and I imagine friendless that you are like a disease. You think you can read a few posts and just like that, have all the answers. What a man you are. You know nothing about being alone for weeks on end. You never cared. You only cared about you. You know nothing about giving all of you and just wanting a little bit back emotionally. It's about a personal connection you hard headed old goat. You have spent your life being so sure that you have all the answers and anyone with a different view MUST be wrong. You poor pitiful man. You think money and power means everything? When is the last time you smiled? Better yet, when is the last time someone around you smiled BECAUSE of you?? And your leaving their presence does not count as a reason they smiled.

I started learning psychotherapy in 1967 and learned from the best, the celebrities.

50 years later I think it all boils down to 3 pieces of advice that cover everything: YOU'LL BE SORRY! WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR! and CHILL OUT!

 

[NorthernGinger]

I stayed in a marriage for too long with someone who didn't consider my needs at all. He pursued hobbies in his "spare" time that excluded me and he emotionally and physically abandoned the marriage, leaving me a single parent with a busy career. He could have continued that way forever.

I felt like I was dying inside a little more each day. My children didn't really have a relationship with him, and we all deserved more. My ex-husband as well.

I ended the marriage, and have ended up in a loving, healthy, supportive, emotionally and physically connected relationship.

My children see a happy mum and a very healthy relationship example. My ex, well, he is working on it. Hopefully he will find his happiness too.

Nobody can make your choices for you. For me, it was a tremendously unhealthy situation and the more I talked to him about what I needed, the more passive aggressive he got.

I wouldn't advocate just walking. Relationships take work. Lots of work. Honest, sincere, raw effort. And sometimes it hurts like fuck.

But if you can truly look at yourself and know (really know!) that you have done all you can to communicate and work on it to bridge that distance between you, you will find peace of mind with whatever you choose.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Most people are too narcissistic to fit in any relationship, its a modern plague this ITS ALL ABOUT ME! delusion.

 

[southern_gal]

What kind of communication do you have/ can you have while he's out on the rig? E-mail, phone calls, letters? How private are communications, if you can have them?

I've found that telling your partner you feel lonely and like you aren't getting the love you need is clear to you, but may not be clear to them because love means something different to them and, as they see it, they are supplying you with love and don't understand why it's not enough. If you haven't read it before (or even if you have and it's been a while) get a copy of "Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I don't agree with everything he says and the derivative books are more or less worthless, but I found the original book to be a great resource for helping me identify in myself and past partners what acts of love held the most value.

Your husband isn't going to leave his job for one where he's home more often. It sounds like this kind of schedule was a known part of the deal when you started your relationship together. Some people will tell you that since you knew this was the price of admission coming in that you can't complain now. That's bullshit. You always have the right to find something isn't working as you'd planned or not working for you the way it once did and figure out a change to improve your life.

What does his job/schedule allow you to do that enriches and fulfills you? You say you don't have to work - do you want to? Will that freedom allow you to take less than you could live on yourself for a job you find rewarding in other ways, or volunteer, or educate yourself?

We can email all we want but his boss could read it legally if he wanted to. When he's at work I can't do that to him anyway. He has to be thinking about his job when he's there or bad things can happen. I don't want to be a distraction yet I want him thinking about me/us. See my problem? Thank you for the suggestion on the book. I will certainly find it. I have spent my married life being the perfect wife. I have never worried about what I want or need. I knew about his job when I married him. I get that. However he was an engineer and not yet on a platform. We talked about it a lot but how was I to know how much I would hate being alone? I was not joking when I said the money meant squat compared with what I am missing.

I did work for years and only stopped when he started working offshore. He really doesn't want me to work and I think it's because of the ego thing. Dunno. He just takes so much pride in providing for the both of us. I miss teaching actually. I volunteer three nights a week teaching adults to get their G.E.D and that's rewarding but I am coming to the realization that I simply need more from a husband and it's tearing me inside out to think he doesn't need me the way I need him.

 

[southern_gal]

Most people are too narcissistic to fit in any relationship, its a modern plague this ITS ALL ABOUT ME! delusion.

Don't you have a cat to go kick or some neighborhood kids to yell at?

 

[southern_gal]

I stayed in a marriage for too long with someone who didn't consider my needs at all. He pursued hobbies in his "spare" time that excluded me and he emotionally and physically abandoned the marriage, leaving me a single parent with a busy career. He could have continued that way forever.

I felt like I was dying inside a little more each day. My children didn't really have a relationship with him, and we all deserved more. My ex-husband as well.

I ended the marriage, and have ended up in a loving, healthy, supportive, emotionally and physically connected relationship.

My children see a happy mum and a very healthy relationship example. My ex, well, he is working on it. Hopefully he will find his happiness too.

Nobody can make your choices for you. For me, it was a tremendously unhealthy situation and the more I talked to him about what I needed, the more passive aggressive he got.

I wouldn't advocate just walking. Relationships take work. Lots of work. Honest, sincere, raw effort. And sometimes it hurts like fuck.

But if you can truly look at yourself and know (really know!) that you have done all you can to communicate and work on it to bridge that distance between you, you will find peace of mind with whatever you choose.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I am getting more than a few FU pm's from guys that are taking this personally. I have no desire to end my marriage at this point. The affair comment was more bluff and frustration. To be honest my husband told me once that he didn't mind if I messed around on him because I was alone all the time as long as I didnt flaunt it or embarrass him. That comment floored me and hurt a lot. I want him to want me so much that he can't imagine us not being together. That is how I feel. It would crush me to not have him and yet I am really getting to the point that I am worried it won't get any better. If this is all we have as a couple, it's not enough. I am happy you found someone that gives you the emotional support you need. We all deserve that.

 

[southern_gal]

What exactly do you want from him? Do you want him to change jobs so he's home every night? Having him home to hold you every night doesn't necessarily mean you'll stop feeling lonely. Do you need him to be THERE more when he is home? More sex? More talk? More affection?

If you are to the point you're considering having an affair or ending your marriage I'd make sure you know exactly what you want. Then make sure he knows what you expect and what you are considering.

I want him to want me and our marriage the same way I do. We used to want the same thing. I need someone to talk to like we used to. We decided not to have kids because we enjoyed trips together and being close. It all changed when he went offshore. That has become his passion. Not me. That much alone is killing me. To think that he doesn't want me like he used to is hard to deal with. The affair comment was more out of frustration than anything. I doubt I could ever get the nerve to even try.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Don't you have a cat to go kick or some neighborhood kids to yell at?

I'm retired. I have a garden and my genealogy research, plus spreading sunshine here.

 

[southern_gal]

I'm retired. I have a garden and my genealogy research, plus spreading sunshine here.

So after you have spread your 4.3 seconds of sunshine how much do you garden? I imagine that with all the manure at your disposal you must grow some really good plants huh?

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

So after you have spread your 4.3 seconds of sunshine how much do you garden? I imagine that with all the manure at your disposal you must grow some really good plants huh?

God comes to me for pointers, I'm THAT good.

 

[stlgoddessfreya]

I have spent my married life being the perfect wife. I have never worried about what I want or need...

I did work for years and only stopped when he started working offshore. He really doesn't want me to work and I think it's because of the ego thing. Dunno. He just takes so much pride in providing for the both of us. I miss teaching actually. I volunteer three nights a week teaching adults to get their G.E.D and that's rewarding but I am coming to the realization that I simply need more from a husband and it's tearing me inside out to think he doesn't need me the way I need him.

Ah, yes, the pernicious myth that not asking for what you need makes you a better partner. Even when we know its razor edges and swear we won't make the mistakes our mothers did, we still grab at it without looking. My general feeling on this is that you owe it to your partner to have a good grasp on your needs and be confident asking for them, otherwise they're blindsided when you can't take it anymore and tell them you're unbearably unhappy. Just like I think you owe it to your long-term partner to have had enough sexual experience before you settle down to be good in bed, I think the same thing goes for emotional experience in a relationship. Once you're already in, it can feel like trying to build the plane while you're flying it to continue to educate and learn yourself, but it pays off.

I also think you have a false assumption that's coloring/colored by your perception of his emotional distance. Because he's not telling you he's thinking about you when he's on the rig, you assume he's not. Yes, its a demanding job, but also one with significant downtime and not a lot of distractions during that downtime because there's literally nowhere else to be. Every day when he wakes up out at sea, it sounds like he's excited to get to work because he loves his job. From your description it also sounds like he's excited because it provides for you in a way that allows you to choose to work or not work - and that's love. Does it serve his ego? Yes. Does it allow you the schedule flexibility to, in theory, spend a maximum amount of time with him when he gets home, which you wouldn't have if you worked a traditional job? Yes. But just because it serves him, too, doesn't mean he doesn't see it as an offering of his love, his service to your needs as well. When you're convinced he's doing it solely for him, that's all you can see. I know. I've been there. It's like an ouroboros of shitty feelings eating its own tail into misery.

Find out the limits of the company e-mail policy. So long as his computer has the software to support it and his boss doesn't really care, consider e-mails with password-locked PDF attachments for things that are private. Find things that you can share while he's on the rig that are not distracting and that don't begin "I want to talk about our relationship...", like reading the same book and talking about it over e-mail or sending him links to interesting articles and asking his opinion. That doesn't have to be distracting - in fact, I'd imagine it would take up very little of his downtime - but it gives you some daily contact that's also something the two of you share only with each other. It feeds intimacy to the point where you can feel closer to neutral in your assessment of how he reacts to other things.

From my experience (professional, not personal) with marriage counseling, it's a 50/50 split: half of the people who go have already functionally ended their relationship and need the counselor as a way to formally end or say "I tried,"; the other half haven't ended and are legitimately working to reconcile. The schedule your husband has is not conducive to most marriage counseling I've seen, where meetings with the counselor are more like check-ins on homework and exercises the two of you have been told to do together in the intervening weeks, and those exercises assume that you're in the same house. You two don't sound like you have the basis to even work on a marriage counselor's suggested exercises until you have a better rapport of communication in the three weeks he's gone. I think going to a counselor now would be a waste of time, effort, and money for you until you have a basic communication foundation where you don't feel the push/pull of guilt and resentment for just talking to him while he's on-rig. As another commenter said above, asking to go to counseling is a big blow in and of itself - you really only get to use it once in this situation, so I'd wait not until conditions are perfect but at least until you have enough of a basis to see some benefit from the counseling process.