thought I would throw myself to the wolves...

[Abraxas Winterlight]

Hi there. I thought I would submit 2 of my poems for critique:

Dreaming

I wake next to your sleeping form,
You are curled in my arms, warm against my side.
I gaze into your peaceful face,
Seeing innocence, and compassion, and all that I love.
You awake with a small smile and a yawn,
And I say “good morning” with a kiss.
We greet the dawn with our passion aflame,
Our bodies meld, desire ignites.
The flames of love burn hot between us, rising higher, burning brighter,
Until spent, we fall into each others arms.
Lying together, our bodies entwined, I look into my loves eyes,
And wake alone, “I Love You” fading in a empty room.
I long for the day when my dream comes true,
I long for you, my dream.



Creighton O. Brown
16 June 1998



& here is the other one:

The Solitude of the Night

Darkness surrounds me, embraces me.
Shadows play with muted whispers,
Dreams dance in the silver moonlight.

I walk alone under the moons cold radiance,
apart from emotion, forgotten by love.
The wind mutters secrets , lore long lost,
which is forbidden to me.

I am lost within the solitude of the night.
Alone with my thoughts,
haunted by my memories.

Happiness, joy, brightness, and love,
all are ghosts that walk my past.
Loneliness is my companion,
solitude my bride.

The dawn is forever forbidden to me,
for my heart is denied that which it loves.
My home now lies in solitude and darkness,
for my heart lies forever away from you.



Creighton O. Brown
30 July 1998

 

[Debbie]

*looking around for the wolves*

Nope, no wolves here.
Bravo! Bravo! Poet.
I liked both your poems. They spoke to me through
your words of love, sensuality, yearning.
You have a great way with words

"Dreaming"




You had me right from the beginning, visualising you with your lover. And to find it was all a dream? I was not disappointed
but let out a sigh of understanding.

I love this line," And wake alone, “I Love You” fading in a empty room. "

I can almost hear the echo as the words fade.

"The Solitude of the night"

I like the title. It piqued my interest. But also had me thinking
that the night can be lonely.

This poem too spoke to me.

This was my favourite part,

"Darkness surrounds me, embraces me.
Shadows play with muted whispers,
Dreams dance in the silver moonlight. "

Enveloped by the darkness of the night.

The only thing I found, IMO, that distracted me
was the repitition of the words forbidden and lies.
And in dreaming long. For me, I have found that
I am learning to not repeat words but find other words
with similiar meaning to keep the poem feeling fresh
and vital. LOL Sounds a little silly but the poems
have a more flowing appeal to me.

Thank you so much for sharing your poetry. I look
forward to reading more or seeing you post in this forum.

Debbie

 

[WickedEve]

Howl!

Dreaming

"our passion aflame"
"desire ignites"
"flames of love burn hot"
"burning brighter"

One thing I've learned is that "passion, desire, flames, and burning" are used too often in poetry. Even though this is a good poem, I think you could improve it by thinking of more creative ways to express passion and desire.

"And wake alone, "I Love You" fading in a[n] empty room." This is very good line, Abraxas Winterlight. By the way, I dig that name!

"And wake alone, “I Love You” fading in a empty room.
I long for the day when my dream comes true,
I long for you, my dream."

When you tell us that you wake alone to an empty room, and that you long for day when your dream comes true, and that you long for "you, my dream," I think that's all a bit too much. We get that it's a dream. Maybe it would read better to leave out the last or next to the last line.

Wicked Eve

 

[WickedEve]

The Solitude of the Night

I like this: Shadows play with muted whispers,

I agree with debbiexxx about the repeated words. It's not always easy, but in most cases, it helps the poem if you can find alternative words.

Wicked Eve

 

[Belilica]

I enjoyed both of your poems. The copyright date on one of them was 98, and I was just wondering why you didn't post sooner. They were very sensual and had a lot of emotion. Hope to see more!

-Bel

 

[JUDO]

Grrrroooooooowwwllllll!

I felt a need to echo WickeEve's critique. If you read through our zillion poems here, you will find quite shortly all the many cliches that drip out of everyone's mind.

But the cool part about an initial take on a poem is that often some cold inspiration will bring something new.

The two lines:

Dreams dance in the silver moonlight

and:

And wake alone "I love you" fading in an empty room.

Are both wonderful and worth building a more creative effort around.

---------------------------------------------------

So, look at your poems again. Most of what you have written is the obvious analogies, the obvious things that would occur, the obvious simile.

Now, try to find that which is the less obvious and substitute it for what you have.

Perhaps in that way, you can sprinkle the rest of the stanzas with the "newness" of the wonderful lines present.

After all, it would be a shame for such wonderful images to be lost amidst too many gray tones.


- Judo

 

[perks]

as you've heard already some word choices are in need of a rewrite.

Take my words with a grain of salt...

I'm into editing and reworking a poem until it is bare, not in imagery but in vocabulary.

I find in the first poem that you want so badly to build an image you insert adjectives to make your point making the poem, in my opinion wordy, but lacking in the ultimate image you wanted. I think you need to have an affair with a thesaurus. Your poetry is crying for it, and I think you will be content with your imagery in it's finality.

However,
the second poem moved me more.
You use some poetic style here and there which work for my mind. I like alliteration. Although you only toyed with it, it was still appreciated.

I am not a fan of repetitive word usage unless it is in a specific style of poem.

I'd love to see you work on these poems again, and see what you come up with.

perks