rgraham666
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2004
- Posts
- 43,689
Darwin award nominees
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's
time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every
year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing
themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man,
using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain
the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive
shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC.
Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed
through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A
police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the
Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according
to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden
Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always
have been well represented in the past....)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with
no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy
showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things).
It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died
in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over
his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't
have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one
was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites
and this is particularly ironic.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector
D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair
moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario
entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime
Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy
Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast
Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two
men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed
that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse
box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the
headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on
eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in
the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement,
and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to
his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off,
or we might both be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is
a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck,
Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did
anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. Once again, it's
time for the Darwin Award Nominees. The Darwin's are awarded every
year to the persons who died in the most stupid manner, thereby removing
themselves from the gene pool. This year's nine nominees are:
Nominee No. 1: [San Jose Mercury News]: An unidentified man,
using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriend's windshield,
accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a
hole in his gut.
Nominee No. 2: [Kalamazoo Gazette]: James Burns, 34, (a mechanic) of
Alamo, MI, was killed in March as he was trying to repair what police
describe as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a friend to drive the truck
on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain
the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes caught on something,
however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in the drive
shaft."
Nominee No. 3: [Hickory Daily Record]: Ken Charles Barger, 47,
accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, NC.
Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he
reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson 38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
Nominee No. 4: [UPI, Toronto]: Police said a lawyer demonstrating the
safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed
through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24 floors to his death. A
police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the
Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining
the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students. Hoy
previously has conducted demonstrations of window strength according
to police reports. Peter Lawson, managing partner of the firm Holden
Day, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of the best and
brightest" members of the 200-man association. (Nice to see another
Canadian province getting into the awards.... The Maritimes always
have been well represented in the past....)
Nominee No. 5: [Bloomberg News Service]: A terrible diet and a room with
no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by
his own gas emissions. There was no mark on his body, and an autopsy
showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had
consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other things).
It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died
in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over
his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldn't
have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his nearly airtight bedroom.
According to the article, "He was a big man with a huge capacity
for creating "this deadly gas." Three of the rescuers got sick, and one
was hospitalized.
Nominee No. 6: [The News of the Weird]: Michael Anderson Godwin made
News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before having his
sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in
his cell attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was
electrocuted. (South Carolina entrants are always perennial favorites
and this is particularly ironic.)
Nominee No. 7: [The Indianapolis Star]: A cigarette lighter may have
triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, IN. A Jay County man, using a
cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader, was killed
Monday night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriff's
investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents' rural
Dunkirk home at about 11:30 PM. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a
54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing properly. He was using
the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
Nominee No. 8: [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]: A man cleaning a bird
feeder on the balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto
suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector
D'Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional Police. "It appears that the chair
moved, and he went over the balcony," Honer said. (Another Ontario
entry.... I wonder if people are moving there from the Maritime
Provinces.)
Finally, THE WINNER!!!: [Arkansas Democrat Gazette]: Two local men were
injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near
Cotton Patch on State Highway 38 early Monday. Woodruff County deputy
Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday.
Thurston Poole, 33, of Des Arc, and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little
Rock, were returning to Des Arc after a frog gigging trip on an overcast
Sunday night when Poole's pickup truck headlights malfunctioned. The two
men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older-model truck had
burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed
that the .22 caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse
box next to the steering-wheel column. Upon inserting the bullet the
headlights again began to operate properly, and the two men proceeded on
eastbound toward the White River Bridge.
After traveling approximately 20 miles, and just before crossing the
river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged, and struck Poole in
the testicles. The vehicle swerved sharply right, exiting the pavement,
and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from
the accident, but will require extensive surgery to repair the damage to
his testicles, which will never operate as intended. Wallis sustained a
broken clavicle and was treated and released.
"Thank God we weren't on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off,
or we might both be dead," stated Wallis.
"I've been a trooper for 10 years in this part of the world, but this is
a first for me. I can't believe that those two would admit how this
accident happened," said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck,
Lavinia (Poole's wife) asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did
anyone get them from the truck???
(Though Poole and Wallis did not die as a result of their misadventure as normally required by Darwin Award Official Rules, it can be argued that Poole DID, in fact, effectively remove himself from the gene pool.)
