This place needs a new fun thread
- Thread starter doormouse
- Start date
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
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- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
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matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
A BRUNETTE, A REDHEAD & A BLONDE all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Every day, they noticed their boss left work early.
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know, so the next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her boyfriend for dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"
One day, the girls decided that when the boss left, they'd leave right behind her. After all, she never called in or came back to the office when she left early, so how was she to know, so the next day, they all three left the office right after the boss left.
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the health club before meeting her boyfriend for dinner date.
The blonde was happy, happy, happy to be home, but when she got to the bedroom she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly, quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS. Ever so gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.
The next day at coffee break, the brunette and redhead decided they were leaving early again, and asked the blonde if she was coming with them.
"NO WAY," she exclaimed, "I almost got caught yesterday"
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
From Andy Rooney - Thoughts on life.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What’s that? A bonus?
I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time.
And then you die. What’s that? A bonus?
I think the life-cycle is all backwards.
You should die first and get it all over with.
Then you live in an old age home.
You get kicked out when you’re too young.
You get a gold watch.
You go to work.
You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You do drugs, alcohol and party.
You get ready for high school.
You go to grade school and become a kid.
You play. You have no responsibilities.
You become a little baby & go back into the womb.
You spend your last nine months floating...
Then, you finish off as an orgasm. I like it.
The Mutt
Cunnilingus Ergo Sum
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2004
- Posts
- 22,265
George Bush and Dick Cheney are discussing sex. George tells Dick, "I just can't seem to satisfy Laura anymore."
Dick says, "I'm not surprised, with that small penis you have."
George asks, "Is there any way to make it bigger?"
Dicks says, "I don't know. Say, let's ask Colin Powell. I understand his people have really big ones. Maybe he'll know."
So they go to Powell and George asks," Say Colin, you people all have big dicks, I hear. Is there a way to make mine bigger? I just can't seem to get Laura to screamin' anymore."
Colin says, "Sure, Mr. President. It's a secret only all us black guys know. But since you are my boss, I'll tell you. When you get ready to have sex with Laura, just take your penis and whap it four or five times against the bedpost. It'll swell up big and Laura will love it."
George says, "Thanks Colin. I'll try it tonight."
So that night George heads up the the residence. Laura is already in bed asleep. George creeps up to the bed, strips naked, grabs his penis and stands close to the bedpost.
Whap whap whap whap whap whap!
Laura says, "Colin? Is that you?"
Dick says, "I'm not surprised, with that small penis you have."
George asks, "Is there any way to make it bigger?"
Dicks says, "I don't know. Say, let's ask Colin Powell. I understand his people have really big ones. Maybe he'll know."
So they go to Powell and George asks," Say Colin, you people all have big dicks, I hear. Is there a way to make mine bigger? I just can't seem to get Laura to screamin' anymore."
Colin says, "Sure, Mr. President. It's a secret only all us black guys know. But since you are my boss, I'll tell you. When you get ready to have sex with Laura, just take your penis and whap it four or five times against the bedpost. It'll swell up big and Laura will love it."
George says, "Thanks Colin. I'll try it tonight."
So that night George heads up the the residence. Laura is already in bed asleep. George creeps up to the bed, strips naked, grabs his penis and stands close to the bedpost.
Whap whap whap whap whap whap!
Laura says, "Colin? Is that you?"
Miss Oatlash
Hellbent for Leather
- Joined
- Jun 16, 2004
- Posts
- 1,523
Now THAT was funny!
impressive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2003
- Posts
- 27,372
Have YOU ever done THIS?
This is a true story (or so the e-mail said):
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and
ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
This is a true story (or so the e-mail said):
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and
ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why.
A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five
spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing.
He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed.
If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a memorable one!
Virtual_Burlesque
Former Ecdysiast
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2004
- Posts
- 4,083
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. You know the ones that change color to reflect mood changes.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.
matriarch
Rotund retiree
- Joined
- May 25, 2003
- Posts
- 22,743
Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap. Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers.
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, and then yells! "Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way. Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks. The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap. Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough he drops the second bar of soap.
The third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, and then yells! "Mary, Mother of God, hand lotion too!"
impressive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2003
- Posts
- 27,372
Virtual_Burlesque said:
Now you can come over and clean the coffee off my keyboard!
impressive
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Sep 11, 2003
- Posts
- 27,372
Phrases For Your "Out-Of-The-Office" E-Mail Auto-Reply:
=======================================
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and
is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother
to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta'
instead of 'Steve'.'
=======================================
I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I
fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
I'm not really out of the office. I'm just ignoring you
You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of
the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received
anything at all.
I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you
send me until I return from vacation on 4/18. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first ten words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and
is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your
computer and try sending again.' The beauty of it is that when I return, I can see how many in-duh-viduals did this over and over.
Please reply to this e-mail so I will know that you got this
message.
I am on holiday. Your e-mail has been deleted.
Hi. I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by
your PC for my response.
Hi! I'm busy negotiating the salary for my new job. Don't bother
to leave me any messages.
I've run away to join a different circus.
I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical
reasons. When I return, please refer to me as 'Loretta'
instead of 'Steve'.'
RebeccaLeah
Path
- Joined
- Aug 9, 2003
- Posts
- 9,922
GREAT QUOTES BY GREAT LADIES
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.
-Cora Harvey Armstrong
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
-Janette Barber-
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
-Lily Tomlin-
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.
-Laurie Kuslansky-
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being, hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
-Erma Bombeck-
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.
-Jane Sellman-
Every time I close the door on reality, it comes in through the windows.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
-Caryn Leschen-
I try to take one day at a time -- but sometimes several days attack me at once.
-Jennifer Unlimited-
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow!
-Kathy Buckley-
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb -- and I'm also not blonde.
-Dolly Parton-
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
-Sue Grafton-
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
-Roseanne Barr-
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
-Elayne Boosler-
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career.
-Gloria Steinem-
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
A couple of quotes I saw today that I really, really liked:
"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." ~ Rita Mae Brown she's GOT to be southern...
And this one, for some reason, made me giggle like a fiend for a good while:
"Stoners make the best cryptologists. I know, because I've written some kickass shit, and the next day there was no way I could figure out what the hell I did." ~ Stu Shimoruma
"You can't be truly rude until you understand good manners." ~ Rita Mae Brown she's GOT to be southern...
And this one, for some reason, made me giggle like a fiend for a good while:
"Stoners make the best cryptologists. I know, because I've written some kickass shit, and the next day there was no way I could figure out what the hell I did." ~ Stu Shimoruma
millennium_bard
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 30, 2004
- Posts
- 745
bumperstickers.. again
I had a reason for not beating you up. Now what was it?
Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can never be used for good.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day is a total waste of makeup.
Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
I had a reason for not beating you up. Now what was it?
Does your stream of consciousness have any fish in it?
Ah! I see the memo fairy has visited us again.
I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
How about never? Is never good for you?
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
No, my powers can never be used for good.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.
Who me? I just wander from room to room
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it left.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
I am a PBS mind in an MTV world.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Well, this day is a total waste of makeup.
Not all managers are annoying. Some are dead.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door Number 1?
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
How do I set a laser printer on "stun"?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
cloudy
Alabama Slammer
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2004
- Posts
- 37,997
The Mental Health Hotline
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline."
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y & c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
The Mutt
Cunnilingus Ergo Sum
- Joined
- Apr 29, 2004
- Posts
- 22,265
Virtual_Burlesque
Former Ecdysiast
- Joined
- Mar 31, 2004
- Posts
- 4,083
You can be certain your online relationship is in touble when you discover she has been cutting and pasting her orgasms.
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