This little Girl Needs Help with a Paragraph (only a few words)

[Irania]

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[Stella_Omega]

“God Amber, why are you doing this now? This is quite painful-- you evil little beast!”

“Pfft, I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you-- just repeat these words after me and your life will change. Just say them—‘I am a lesbian.’ Say them with me, Jenine.”

 

[cloudy]

“God Amber, why are you doing this now? This is quite painful-- you evil little beast!”

“Pfft, I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you-- just repeat these words after me and your life will change. Just say them—‘I am a lesbian.’ Say them with me, Jenine.”

There should also be a comma after "God," unless her actual name is "God Amber."

 

[matriarch]

“God, Amber. Why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them - ‘I'm a lesbian’ - say them with me Jenine!”

My effort, hope it's not too confusing.

~Auntie Mat~

 

[glynndah]

“God, Amber. Why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them - ‘I'm a lesbian’ - say them with me Jenine!”

My effort, hope it's not too confusing.

~Auntie Mat~

I like this one.

 

[glynndah]

I almost forgot.

A welcome for the little newbie from the good little witch.

 

[phillyinjun]

“God, Amber. Why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them - ‘I'm a lesbian’ - say them with me Jenine!”

My effort, hope it's not too confusing.

~Auntie Mat~

I think this is really good not at all confusing. I like the way you used italics but could the two hyphens be improved on?

 

[Irania]

Thank You!

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[Boxlicker101]

“God, Amber. Why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them - ‘I'm a lesbian’ - say them with me Jenine!”

My effort, hope it's not too confusing.

~Auntie Mat~

Hi, Irania, and welcome to the AH. I like Mat's version, except there should be a comma between "me" and "Jenine." If you have quotation marks around "I'm a lesbian" you don't need it to also be in italics.

Not puncuation, but I also think the sentence should read: "You must know how painful this is, you evil lettle beast!"

 

[damppanties]

Not puncuation, but I also think the sentence should read: "You must know how painful this is, you evil lettle beast!"

Why?.

 

[SimonBrooke]

“God, Amber. Why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them - ‘I'm a lesbian’ - say them with me Jenine!”

My effort, hope it's not too confusing.

Why the period after 'God, Amber'? That doesn't seem to me at all an obvious place to break the sentence - perhaps a comma, for phrasing? Otherwise, yes, that's pretty much how I'd do it.

God, Amber, why are you doing this now?

Irania, in my experience the way to get these things right is to read them ALOUD to yourself. Obviously dialogue in real life is not the same as dialogue in narrative (for example it isn't likely in real life that people will use one another's names in every other sentence, but in narrative it can help the reader keep track of who's speaking; and in narrative dialogue one is more likely to use well formed sentences than is common in real life). Nevertheless for verisimilitude it's good to get the rhythm of speech natural, and there's a lot of difference from that point of view between reading aloud and reading in your head.

As an aside one of the things I've been working on this year is cut-scenes for a video game, and timing the dialogue is quite an interesting exercise - exactly how long (in seconds and hundredths of seconds) does each line of dialogue take?

 

[sr71plt]

Matriarch almost has it. Here's an adjusted second paragraph:

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now[delete comma. It disrupts getting to the object] than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them--‘I'm a lesbian’--[hyphens with spaces replaced by em dashes (which can be represented by double hyphens in manuscript copy) without spaces. Publishers don't put spaces around em dashes)]say them with me Jenine!”

On the question of the punctuation after "God, Amber," tis is author's choice based on how long a pause the author sees as right. It wouldn't be something an editor would change once the author has made a choice.

 

[Irania]

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[Salvor-Hardon]

Jeez folks,

I posted this little question and have received such cogent response. Now I am going to have to make this silly barb respectable. The final version will be posted after my rather feeble brain can absorb the content of your input. What freeks me so is your ability (all of you) to analyze text so quickly.

I spend hours thinking about my somewhat average writing and can’t figure out the problem (though I get A’s in frosh creative writing and literature).

Sometimes the words just do not feel right and I can’t figure out why—it just does not feel right--they don't explode in my mind.

They do not cram the nuances of Grammar in college. Poor writing destroys a story even if the barb has the best character development and plot devices.

Thank you all for your time and helping me get better.

Irania (a sick puppy)

And sometimes you can't type fast enough to get those explosions out of your head and onto the screen. I think that's why writing is a craft, as opposed to a science or even an art. Yes it takes talent, and inspiration, but it also takes discipline, effort, review and commitment. Keep writing, write when you don't feel like it, when it makes your head hurt as well as when its fun and easy.

There are some truly gifted and profound talents here. If you want to learn the craft and find your own voice, there are several people here who can help.

Welcome aboard.

 

[Boxlicker101]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Boxlicker101
Not puncuation, but I also think the sentence should read: "You must know how painful this is, you evil lettle beast!"

Why?.

I think it puts more emphasis on something that would be rather blurted out.

 

[Handley_Page]

Perhaps a comma between me and Jennie ?

 

[Leto Degeneres]

Matriarch almost has it. Here's an adjusted second paragraph:

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now[delete comma. It disrupts getting to the object] than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them--‘I'm a lesbian’--[hyphens with spaces replaced by em dashes (which can be represented by double hyphens in manuscript copy) without spaces. Publishers don't put spaces around em dashes)]say them with me Jenine!”

On the question of the punctuation after "God, Amber," tis is author's choice based on how long a pause the author sees as right. It wouldn't be something an editor would change once the author has made a choice.

I'm with this one, and welcome to AH, Irania!

With three changes, and SR71 can feel free to consider what I'm saying after reflection. I'd like to hear what he thinks. The sentence that begins with "Just say them" has no subject, other than an implied "you". I think I'd use a semicolon.

The comma here, "after me, and your life will change", may or may not be included. I think the test is if Amber is making a point of pausing before completing her sentence, maybe saying the end of it soto voce, even. If it is soto voce, I think you'd want to point that out.

"say them with me[comma]Jenine!"

Final result (worked over matriarch/sr71/leto version):

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you; just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them--‘I'm a lesbian’--say them with me, Jenine!”

Interesting-some excellent grammarians in here, and many options.

Oh, one more thing. That's an intriguing little passage you have there. I'll bet that I'm not the only one that is wondering where this will lead.

 

[Pure]

orig “God Amber, why are you doing this now? This is quite painful you evil little beast.”

“Pfft, I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you, just repeat these words after me and your life will change, just say them—‘I am a lesbian.’ Say them with me Jenine.”


=

new, similar to sr71:
“God, Amber, why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft, I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them, ‘I am a lesbian.’ Say them with me, Jenine.”

--

'I am a lesbian' is not really an insertion in the example sentence; there i disagree with sr71.

A proper example would be

"Since you know what you are--a lesbian, i'm sure--you may as well admit it."

 

[Irania]

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[_Lynn_]

Dear friends,

Below is the entire little conversation and the way my little brain thinks it should be written. Still feel free to crucify! This has been fun.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

“Jenine, don’t you think it’s time to admit you’re a lesbian?”

“I most certainly am not; just because I enjoy a few dalliances with girls does not make me gay. I’m married for Christ-sakes!”

“Let me ask you another question my dear friend. How drunk do you have to get before you let boring Bob fuck you? Tell me the truth.”

“I honestly don’t like the direction of this conversation, can we change the subject? Stop this nonsense and kiss me.”

“No, No, No my pet, not until you answer the question.”

“God Amber. Why are you doing this now? You know how painful this is, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them—‘I'm a lesbian’—say them with me, Jenine!”

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Irania_bi_girl (a sick puppy)

I might suggest these, but I may be wrong in some too.


“Let me ask you another question, my dear friend. How drunk do you have to get before you let boring Bob fuck you? Tell me the truth.”

“I honestly don’t like the direction of this conversation. Can we just change the subject? Stop this nonsense and kiss me.”

“No, no, no my pet, not until you answer the question.”

 

[freshface]

=

new, similar to sr71:
“God, Amber, why are you doing this now? This is quite painful, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft, I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now, than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them, ‘I am a lesbian.’ Say them with me, Jenine.”

--

'I am a lesbian' is not really an insertion in the example sentence; there i disagree with sr71.

A proper example would be

"Since you know what you are--a lesbian, i'm sure--you may as well admit it."

But in this case, it's used as emphasis. We can assume, given the bits already provided, that this is the beginning of a longer conversation in which Amber relentlessly pushes Jenine to say that she's a lesbian. That makes 'I am a lesbian' an important part of the larger conversation and something that should rightfully be emphasized.

Oh, and Irania, if you think that being edited is fun, then I have to welcome you to the world of masochistic writers. I think we're a rare breed.

 

[Verdad]

Fwiw

“Jenine, don’t you think it’s time to admit you’re a lesbian?”

“I most certainly am not. Just because I enjoy a few dalliances with girls does not make me gay. I’m married, for Christ's sakes!”

“Let me ask you another question, my dear friend. How drunk do you have to get before you let boring Bob fuck you? Tell me the truth.”

“I honestly don’t like the direction of this conversation. Can we change the subject? Stop this nonsense and kiss me.”

“No. No, no, my pet. Not until you answer the question.”

“God, Amber. Why are you doing this now? You know how painful this is, you evil little beast.”

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them: I'm a lesbian. Say them with me, Jenine!”

 

[Irania]

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[Boxlicker101]

I like that effect Verdad, especially the period and caps in No. No, no. I also like your take on my first question I asked. Using the colon never entered my feeble brain....but the effect on a reader seems better and I don't have to use all those damn ellipses. But I still think the final version will end up a little different. It just reads better the way you posed it. It seems the rules of grammar give me a little free will on this one.

Will you marry me Grammarian (just understand I'm a total lesbo and slut-sub)?

Irania (a sick puppy)

“Pfft! I’d rather see you in pain for a little while now than hurt for the rest of your life. I’ll make it easy on you. Just repeat these words after me, and your life will change. Just say them: I'm a lesbian. Say them with me, Jenine!”

This is getting better, but I think the declaration should be "I am a lesbian." It's more emphatic when you don't use a contraction, and the statement should be said with emphasis. And, to be properly punctuated, you need the apostrophes surrounding the quote. That is the norm for a quote within a quote.

Nothing wrong with being a slut sub, or a lesbo, total or otherwise, especially on this forum.

 

[TE999]

This thread strikes me as a merging of the Algonquin Round Table and Creative Writing 101.

Welcome to the AH, Irania.