This is "What She Wants"...

[AriaSilverfyre]

what do you guys think about it? I'm interesting in any feedback you are willing to give. Thankies.


What She Wants

 

[sirhugs]

I found the story started too abruptly. rather than a device to draw me in, I found it distracting not to know who the characters were. This compounded my usual dislike of " second person". Although you use a firs persom POV, I would enjoy the story more if your lover was not "me". I can put myself in his place if I wish. Also, you effectively exclude, I think female readers. I would love to read what a female thinks of this.

You tense shift right away in paragraph one. I don't think i've read your other stories. Is this typical, or just a momentary lapse in grammar? It happens again in the second paragraph. the "how To" section of the Story Index has some grammar tips, plus names of good texts. Or, if , like me, its really a matter of shabby proofreading, the cause may be that we simply can't objectively read our material. Having a volunteer editor review before submitting might help.

You use the word "soon" too much.

Several of my stories are short scenes, but even for a short scene, I regret the brevity of this effort. More buildup would increase the heat, and the interest factor. I was just getting involved when you cut it off. I get a word count of 761 words- barey minimal for posting. either continuing the scene with post coital snuggling leading to more, or enhancing the experience, would be an improvement.


I like your writing style. It flows well, and is easy to picture, but you might work on plot and character. I glanced quickly at another of your stories. You are capable of much more than mere descriptive writing exercises.

 

[falcon29]

Not bad, as it stands. However, it almost sounds like a male writing from a female point of view. I'm male, and I've tried to write from a female POV. My wife is my editor. She tells me it's 'too male', if it is.

Looked at your profile and you look very female. That's all I can say.

 

[sirhugs]

Not bad, as it stands. However, it almost sounds like a male writing from a female point of view. I'm male, and I've tried to write from a female POV. My wife is my editor. She tells me it's 'too male'.

Looked at your profile and you look very female. That's all I can say.

I didn't feel that way about this story, but I agree that women are such a mystery, we have more trouble swiching to a female POV convincingly than a gal writing male OV, which can always be a stereotype.

 

[falcon29]

Not bad, as it stands. However, it almost sounds like a male writing from a female point of view. I'm male, and I've tried to write from a female POV. My wife is my editor. She tells me it's 'too male'.

Looked at your profile and you look very female. That's all I can say.

 

[AriaSilverfyre]

Sirhugs: yes, that was just a slight slip in my grammer abilities. Sometimes I do switch between tenses without even realizing it. More often when I'm writing late at night, as I usually do.


Everyone else: Thank you for your input. I agree, it isn't one of my better works. It really was just a side project as I took a break from another I was working on. (I've since finished it and will soon send it in).

 

[damppanties]

Although you use a firs persom POV, I would enjoy the story more if your lover was not "me". I can put myself in his place if I wish. Also, you effectively exclude, I think female readers. I would love to read what a female thinks of this.

sirhugs, I don't think the female readers are excluded. The female reader can identify with the narrator if not the 'you' in the story.

AriaSilverfyre,
You, too, are also becoming quite turned on.

I think too and also shouldn't be used together.
Second thing - how does the female character know this?

You purr as I grip you tightly, the sensation almost sending you over the edge.

Same problem here. I see this throughout the story. You cannot know what the other character is feeling or what he is 'about to do' in this POV.

Another word you use too much - "purr"

Nice imagery in the story though. Keep writing.

 

[PaulX35]

A few comments

Aria,

It's funny to see someone else post that he had the impression this was written by a male from a female perspective. I got that impression as well. Maybe it's a certain 'staccato' style in your writing that creates it? More in general it is funny to see that people seem to be drawing conclusions as to the relation between the character and the writer.

There was one aspect in your story that put me on the wrong foot, but maybe I didn't read carefully enough.
When starting to read your story, my image is of a person stretched out on her belly (so face down) as she is being massaged.
Further on in the story, you describe scenes that require her being on her back, not?
And I've never seen her turn over

Hope this helps