Thinking of sharing your wife? Consider this.

[tristantrotsky]

I truly get what you are saying.
My ex works with his best friend. The friend is twice married and has a long-time intimate relationship with a woman who is married legally for financial purposes in several shared businesses.
He and his 2nd wife periodically enjoyed some additional people in their beds. His current girlfriend is Bi and they have a very active sex life.
The friend shares stories, videos, and pictures of his adventures.

I often remarked about how much fun that would be.
We had been to a few swinger events and a few threescore.

One day his friend mentioned having a dream where he was eating me out while I was on a zoom call.
My upper half dressed and on camera while he indulged.

This led to many conversations and some fantasy role play for my ex and I.
I came home from a business trip and my ex wanted to role play a bit.
He wanted me to call him his friends name and talk dirty while we shared oral sex back and forth.
At the end he told me he wanted me to rehearse for when his friend was eating my pussy the following week.
It was amazing. Sucking his cock, which I had seen in pictures. Him sucking my breasts which I knew he often stared at.
Then he ate me for almost 40 minutes straight.
I couldn't tell where one orgasm finished and the next started. And he was slurping as he went.
When I was practically passing out, my ex halted everything. I was no longer able to consent.

The night never repeated. My ex couldn't believe I let my guard down to that degree. He said he needed a break, and we never played with anyone again.

He couldn't handle my comfort with his friend.
Someone I had known clo

Funny, I also have that dream where I am licking your delicious pussy while you are on a zoom call.
Your upper half dressed and on camera, while I indulge...

 

[djrip]

Yup. When I read posts from guys thinking about this it is often along the lines of "I'd be ok with sharing my wife as long as X". More often than not X is a set of rules or expectations designed to limit her and derive the outcomes that he wants.

I would think ideally if a couple were to open up, both partners would want to know about, and remain within, the other's comfort zone. Sure he might want to derive a preferred outcome. So, too, might she. And both should be able to express those preferences and boundaries, right?

 

[daystate]

I would think ideally if a couple were to open up, both partners would want to know about, and remain within, the other's comfort zone. Sure he might want to derive a preferred outcome. So, too, might she. And both should be able to express those preferences and boundaries, right?

But.What happens when those boundaries are pushed to the very limit and eventually exceeded.
I cant see how that cant ever happen.Its an inevitability.

 

[cowboyup6977]

I’ve been sharing my husband for years and no issues
But I do pick out the girls

 

[CuriousTxGuy]

I never found out what became of her although she left an impression on my libido. She ended up in one of my stories.

What became of her? She wound up on all fours in front of me, her ass and pussy up in the air one night. One guy had been pumping her then got all ridgid, grunted a couple times, pulled out and walked off and I was suddenly face to face - well, face to ass with that beautiful snatch. For some reason instead of plunging in I just walked all the way around her, admiring the sight. I was going to make her beg.

I looked at the other men lined up and we all nodded. they all understood. She wasn't just going to get dick anytime she wanted. She wasn't going to cum anytime and anywhere. I reached down and squeezed one nipple, hard. One of the other men, who was now behind her, spanked a half dozen times. She lifted her head slightly and looked up at us.

It's not that she understood - she did, but that look was more than that. As if there was awakened a deep hunger there, a need. I was reminded of the Madonna song. You know which one.

 

[policywank]

I would think ideally if a couple were to open up, both partners would want to know about, and remain within, the other's comfort zone. Sure he might want to derive a preferred outcome. So, too, might she. And both should be able to express those preferences and boundaries, right?

Yes of course. Both partners should be able to express their own desires and boundaries. But if my husband started suggesting constraints that were designed to make the experience primarily about feeding his desires at the expense of mine or constraining me sexually I would find those unacceptable and I would express that to him.

For instance, if he is ok with me having sex with other men as long as he gets to reclaim me afterwards I would refuse. It isn't that I oppose that experience. I oppose that being a codified right of his and obligation of mine. What happens if I am truly not in the headspace to do that? I am happy to say I will be open to indulging that desire and seek to fulfill his desires, but will not have it be a right/obligation. Then we go from there and if we can't find common ground then perhaps we return to monogamy.

Part of that is for my benefit but part is for his too. If he has too many rules and guidelines that suggests to me that he isn't really prepared to deal with the situation. As I have said before if you go down this road you will one day find yourself sitting at home alone wondering what is going on while another man fucks your wife. If you aren't able to adapt to that a set of rules won't help. Better to recognize that honestly from the outset.

 

[policywank]

The trouble with rules is that they are designed to restrict how much fun can be had. Partners may not say it plainly, but the gist is, “I want you to have fun with other lovers… but not TOO much fun.”

That stems from insecurity and barely controlled jealousy, and leads to monitoring, score keeping, and eventually distrust and conflict.

IF you “share” (I really hate that term) I think it’s fine to start off with some rules, maybe even a lot of them. As you gain experience, hopefully you’ll realize you don’t need them.

Another variation on that theme is that rules get used to ensure one partner can keep up. As the OP noted a lot of couples who open up their marriage soon find out that the woman has many more sexual opportunities.

We have tried swinging but I am not that keen on it because to me it feels a bit like a way of ensuring the men get equal outcomes by constraining the women's opportunity. If we think of an open relationship as the reference point, swinging effectively represents a constraint on the wives who don't need that environment to find sexual partners and could find many to their liking outside of that environment. Meanwhile it provides sexual opportunities to the men that would otherwise not be available to them.

As with anything in life I think that true equality is reflected in equality of opportunity....not equality of outcomes. If you really open things up in an open and balanced way one partner is going to have a more active and/or satisfying set of sexual results.

To the extent that couples are concerned about emotional attachments forming with other partners I can see setting some constraints. But to your point I think they are usually more about limiting the fun than they are about the stated purpose. I do have an intimate connection with my lovers. It isn't purely physical and I wouldn't want it to be. While I am conscious of the need for limits and boundaries on those emotional connections, I am a grown up and I don't need rules or monitoring to manage that.

I think the rules might be helpful when starting out as a means of establishing one another's boundaries. But they should fall away over time as that occurs. Otherwise they will get in the way of the experience and quite likely lead to frustration or resentment.

 

[CuriousTxGuy]

That is quite an image. I'm trying to read her mind when she looked at you all. But, no, I don't know the Madonna song.

Look for "Hanky Panky", then tell me it doesn't describe those moments when you wanted it all, didn't care about anything else, the world was gone and you were one quivering mess of desire.

 

[Patsysub]

Trust&respect&honesty is more important than sex in a relationship,without those 3 concepts forget it,your relationship is not gonna work,so we ,me&wife,sat around the table,told ,and wrote it down on paper,what our secret wishes&fantasies&fetish were,perverted or taboo incl,if one of us wanted to stop or ask more about it,that was the moment to do,we shared how far we wanted to go,and that we never put one of us in danger and be safe,just tell each other everything ,and i mean everything!,or otherwise when the first lie is happened,the trust starts to crumble and next thing is both partners beginning to think only on their own pleasure and everything falls apart

 

[curiouschattycouple]

Another variation on that theme is that rules get used to ensure one partner can keep up. As the OP noted a lot of couples who open up their marriage soon find out that the woman has many more sexual opportunities.

We have tried swinging but I am not that keen on it because to me it feels a bit like a way of ensuring the men get equal outcomes by constraining the women's opportunity. If we think of an open relationship as the reference point, swinging effectively represents a constraint on the wives who don't need that environment to find sexual partners and could find many to their liking outside of that environment. Meanwhile it provides sexual opportunities to the men that would otherwise not be available to them.

As with anything in life I think that true equality is reflected in equality of opportunity....not equality of outcomes. If you really open things up in an open and balanced way one partner is going to have a more active and/or satisfying set of sexual results.

To the extent that couples are concerned about emotional attachments forming with other partners I can see setting some constraints. But to your point I think they are usually more about limiting the fun than they are about the stated purpose. I do have an intimate connection with my lovers. It isn't purely physical and I wouldn't want it to be. While I am conscious of the need for limits and boundaries on those emotional connections, I am a grown up and I don't need rules or monitoring to manage that.

I think the rules might be helpful when starting out as a means of establishing one another's boundaries. But they should fall away over time as that occurs. Otherwise they will get in the way of the experience and quite likely lead to frustration or resentment.

The rules and boundaries that I wanted aren't compatible with how she is visualizing her introduction to the hot wife lifestyle. I want to empower and enable her to do what she wants but I was having a tough time accepting the feeling of being left out as she met and chatted with another guy. It hasn't gone farther, and I don't want to hold her back from doing it, or push her beyond her desires either into what I want, but that's a fine line to walk. I am conflicted but I don't want to let her feelings for me interfere with what she wants. Sorry if this is confusing - we are going slow and trying to communicate as much as possible, but we don't want sharing to wreck what we have by upsetting each other.

 

[SeaLevel]

Another variation on that theme is that rules get used to ensure one partner can keep up. As the OP noted a lot of couples who open up their marriage soon find out that the woman has many more sexual opportunities.

We have tried swinging but I am not that keen on it because to me it feels a bit like a way of ensuring the men get equal outcomes by constraining the women's opportunity. If we think of an open relationship as the reference point, swinging effectively represents a constraint on the wives who don't need that environment to find sexual partners and could find many to their liking outside of that environment. Meanwhile it provides sexual opportunities to the men that would otherwise not be available to them.

As with anything in life I think that true equality is reflected in equality of opportunity....not equality of outcomes. If you really open things up in an open and balanced way one partner is going to have a more active and/or satisfying set of sexual results.

To the extent that couples are concerned about emotional attachments forming with other partners I can see setting some constraints. But to your point I think they are usually more about limiting the fun than they are about the stated purpose. I do have an intimate connection with my lovers. It isn't purely physical and I wouldn't want it to be. While I am conscious of the need for limits and boundaries on those emotional connections, I am a grown up and I don't need rules or monitoring to manage that.

I think the rules might be helpful when starting out as a means of establishing one another's boundaries. But they should fall away over time as that occurs. Otherwise they will get in the way of the experience and quite likely lead to frustration or resentment.

That’s an interesting and new to me take on swinging — I (husband) saw swinging more as a shared experience than some means to constrain her sexual opportunities. The trouble with swinging of course is that finding mutual attraction is complicated and “taking one for the team” is usually not recommended. In the end these things do tend to be anecdotal and couples entering the lifestyle have to chart their own path. I do agree that there comes a time where rules get in the way of the experience and do more harm than good.

 

[policywank]

That’s an interesting and new to me take on swinging — I (husband) saw swinging more as a shared experience than some means to constrain her sexual opportunities. The trouble with swinging of course is that finding mutual attraction is complicated and “taking one for the team” is usually not recommended. In the end these things do tend to be anecdotal and couples entering the lifestyle have to chart their own path. I do agree that there comes a time where rules get in the way of the experience and do more harm than good.

I think it can be a shared experience. And my comments are honestly just one "take" on the situation.

I think that it often helps to look at non-sexual analogies to take the emotion out of it. For example, my husband is a very good golfer whereas I am average at best. Nevertheless we do genuinely enjoy playing a few rounds together, often with another couple as foursome (the parallel to swinging is unintended). Our enjoyment is as much about the shared experience as it is about the golf. I don't see this as being in conflict with the fact that he also enjoys playing at a more competitive level with other people. And given that I know he enjoys golf and is in more demand as a partner than I am it would seem very strange to expect that he would limit his enjoyment of the game to only those rounds that we can share together.

Of course I don't discount the prospect that some couples do truly only want to play golf together. But to the extent that the have a rule against playing with other people that is a different matter because it represents a specific and explicit limitation, which raises the question of why that is necessary. There may be very good reasons, but I think it helps to reflect on them and what their implications are over time.

The rules and boundaries that I wanted aren't compatible with how she is visualizing her introduction to the hot wife lifestyle. I want to empower and enable her to do what she wants but I was having a tough time accepting the feeling of being left out as she met and chatted with another guy. It hasn't gone farther, and I don't want to hold her back from doing it, or push her beyond her desires either into what I want, but that's a fine line to walk. I am conflicted but I don't want to let her feelings for me interfere with what she wants. Sorry if this is confusing - we are going slow and trying to communicate as much as possible, but we don't want sharing to wreck what we have by upsetting each other.

Further to my comments above, this strikes me as a productive and honest response. It appears that you are aware of your own feelings and your partner's feelings including some of the inherent conflicts. That is necessary to get to a balanced place. Jealousy and insecurity are real. Managing them is important but that is not at all the same as pretending they aren't there.

A lot of people have some pretty lame arguments (IMO) for wanting to impose constraints on one another. Most of the reasons people offer up for needing to keep tabs on your partner are nonsense. The idea that you will open up your relationship sexually but you can't trust your partner to be out of your sight or to interact with other grown-ups without disrespecting your relationship is ridiculous in my view because that lack of trust clearly indicates that a couple isn't ready for this sort of lifestyle.

Meanwhile saying "hey I have feelings of jealousy which can't be ignored, but I also don't want to ruin your experience, so let's take this slowly" is a perfectly rationale approach. Maybe the end point is to accept the fact that you won't ever be comfortable letting it go beyond a constrained environment with limiting rules. Just be honest with yourself about why that is and give your partner the latitude to be honest about how they feel.

If my husband said to me that he was only comfortable in the swingers scene (i.e. no hotwifing) where my partners could only be men in that scene who's wife wanted to be with my husband, it had to be purely physical with no contact outside of that scene and he always wanted to be in the same room my answer would be easy. No I don't want that. It holds no appeal to me at all. If that is the only scenario in which you are comfortable let's forget the whole thing and remain monogamous.

To use another sports analogy, I am a much better skier than my husband. If he said let's take a week in Switzerland and enjoy the skiing I would be all over that. But if he said that I had to be within his sight and on the easy green runs at all times and only two hours per day I would say let's forget it. Technically we would be skiing but those constraints would strip most of what I enjoy out of the experience and foster resentment.

 

[Iwant2havefun]

I think it can be a shared experience. And my comments are honestly just one "take" on the situation.

I think that it often helps to look at non-sexual analogies to take the emotion out of it. For example, my husband is a very good golfer whereas I am average at best. Nevertheless we do genuinely enjoy playing a few rounds together, often with another couple as foursome (the parallel to swinging is unintended). Our enjoyment is as much about the shared experience as it is about the golf. I don't see this as being in conflict with the fact that he also enjoys playing at a more competitive level with other people. And given that I know he enjoys golf and is in more demand as a partner than I am it would seem very strange to expect that he would limit his enjoyment of the game to only those rounds that we can share together.

Of course I don't discount the prospect that some couples do truly only want to play golf together. But to the extent that the have a rule against playing with other people that is a different matter because it represents a specific and explicit limitation, which raises the question of why that is necessary. There may be very good reasons, but I think it helps to reflect on them and what their implications are over time.



Further to my comments above, this strikes me as a productive and honest response. It appears that you are aware of your own feelings and your partner's feelings including some of the inherent conflicts. That is necessary to get to a balanced place. Jealousy and insecurity are real. Managing them is important but that is not at all the same as pretending they aren't there.

A lot of people have some pretty lame arguments (IMO) for wanting to impose constraints on one another. Most of the reasons people offer up for needing to keep tabs on your partner are nonsense. The idea that you will open up your relationship sexually but you can't trust your partner to be out of your sight or to interact with other grown-ups without disrespecting your relationship is ridiculous in my view because that lack of trust clearly indicates that a couple isn't ready for this sort of lifestyle.

Meanwhile saying "hey I have feelings of jealousy which can't be ignored, but I also don't want to ruin your experience, so let's take this slowly" is a perfectly rationale approach. Maybe the end point is to accept the fact that you won't ever be comfortable letting it go beyond a constrained environment with limiting rules. Just be honest with yourself about why that is and give your partner the latitude to be honest about how they feel.

If my husband said to me that he was only comfortable in the swingers scene (i.e. no hotwifing) where my partners could only be men in that scene who's wife wanted to be with my husband, it had to be purely physical with no contact outside of that scene and he always wanted to be in the same room my answer would be easy. No I don't want that. It holds no appeal to me at all. If that is the only scenario in which you are comfortable let's forget the whole thing and remain monogamous.

To use another sports analogy, I am a much better skier than my husband. If he said let's take a week in Switzerland and enjoy the skiing I would be all over that. But if he said that I had to be within his sight and on the easy green runs at all times and only two hours per day I would say let's forget it. Technically we would be skiing but those constraints would strip most of what I enjoy out of the experience and foster resentment.

You really are an amazing analytical and thoughtful woman, and I always appreciate Your commentary (even if i don’t always agree...though I most often do!... : )

 

[Escierto]

I think it can be a shared experience. And my comments are honestly just one "take" on the situation.

I think that it often helps to look at non-sexual analogies to take the emotion out of it. For example, my husband is a very good golfer whereas I am average at best. Nevertheless we do genuinely enjoy playing a few rounds together, often with another couple as foursome (the parallel to swinging is unintended). Our enjoyment is as much about the shared experience as it is about the golf. I don't see this as being in conflict with the fact that he also enjoys playing at a more competitive level with other people. And given that I know he enjoys golf and is in more demand as a partner than I am it would seem very strange to expect that he would limit his enjoyment of the game to only those rounds that we can share together.

Of course I don't discount the prospect that some couples do truly only want to play golf together. But to the extent that the have a rule against playing with other people that is a different matter because it represents a specific and explicit limitation, which raises the question of why that is necessary. There may be very good reasons, but I think it helps to reflect on them and what their implications are over time.



Further to my comments above, this strikes me as a productive and honest response. It appears that you are aware of your own feelings and your partner's feelings including some of the inherent conflicts. That is necessary to get to a balanced place. Jealousy and insecurity are real. Managing them is important but that is not at all the same as pretending they aren't there.

A lot of people have some pretty lame arguments (IMO) for wanting to impose constraints on one another. Most of the reasons people offer up for needing to keep tabs on your partner are nonsense. The idea that you will open up your relationship sexually but you can't trust your partner to be out of your sight or to interact with other grown-ups without disrespecting your relationship is ridiculous in my view because that lack of trust clearly indicates that a couple isn't ready for this sort of lifestyle.

Meanwhile saying "hey I have feelings of jealousy which can't be ignored, but I also don't want to ruin your experience, so let's take this slowly" is a perfectly rationale approach. Maybe the end point is to accept the fact that you won't ever be comfortable letting it go beyond a constrained environment with limiting rules. Just be honest with yourself about why that is and give your partner the latitude to be honest about how they feel.

If my husband said to me that he was only comfortable in the swingers scene (i.e. no hotwifing) where my partners could only be men in that scene who's wife wanted to be with my husband, it had to be purely physical with no contact outside of that scene and he always wanted to be in the same room my answer would be easy. No I don't want that. It holds no appeal to me at all. If that is the only scenario in which you are comfortable let's forget the whole thing and remain monogamous.

To use another sports analogy, I am a much better skier than my husband. If he said let's take a week in Switzerland and enjoy the skiing I would be all over that. But if he said that I had to be within his sight and on the easy green runs at all times and only two hours per day I would say let's forget it. Technically we would be skiing but those constraints would strip most of what I enjoy out of the experience and foster resentment.

Very good post. Using the sports analogies (golf and skiing) really makes things clear.

 

[VikingPhoenix]

In another thread about monogamy vs. swinging discussion, I remarked on how the three couples I knew that had dabbled outside monogamy had split, mostly due to jealousy. Because it was wildly easier for the wives to find new partners than their husbands.
It made me remember an interesting story. Now, this isn't my attempt to sway someone considering this lifestyle, merely offering it as a cautionary tale.

About twenty years ago, I had a good job for many years. I worked with a fella we'll call Dave. Now old Dave was the worst sort of asshole, a braggart. He would prattle on endlessly about his romantic conquests and all the cool shit he had, and I really couldn't stand him. But as we had to work together every damned day, I just kept the peace.

As well as a braggart, he thought himself quite the lady's man. And there was likely some truth to that, as he was a decent-looking fella, and had managed to score himself one of the hottest wives I've ever seen. We'll call her Venus. A jaw-droppingly gorgeous face and a body built for sin. We met her at a company function and even my wife, who's not into gals, remarked on how sexy she was. Dave would often brag about their sexual escapades. She'd do pretty much anything he wanted within the confines of the marital bed.

But Dave often told me he was trying to push his wife into swinging. But she wasn't having it. A few years later, she finally relented. They joined a group, and instantly Venus was wildly popular with the folks in their little club. And she was enjoying the hell out of it. And at first, he was quite proud of this. Until their first orgy. You see when it was just some partner swapping, things were pretty even. But the night of their first orgy, old Dave had his two cumshots and was done for the evening within the first 45 minutes. He had to then sit on the sidelines for the next few hours watching his gorgeous wife get fucked by every other participant male and female.

Now, after perusing this forum a while I realize that for some fellas, that might be a hell of a night, watching your wife, get nailed by a baker's dozen of dicks, but for old Dave, the lady's man? Not so much. After a few such evenings, Dave was ready to call a halt to the whole swinging idea. Especially when someone let it slip that the only reason they'd invited them was to get their tongues in his lovely wife's snatch.

So when Dave made the command decision that their swinging days were done, Venus told him to fuck right off. I gotta admit I admired her for that. They divorced nearly immediately thereafter.

So if there is a moral to this story folks, if you have a significant other, that in every way does it for you, don't get greedy.
Be careful what you wish for. You may get it.

Wise words RR. Ive heard of this scenario multiple times. I agree with you. I do understand the enjoyment around this fantasy and enjoy it myself but as you say, reality and fantasy are often two very different shades. Have some fun with it and roleplay first a bunch...haha...my wife agrees with you on this topic but we do still enjoy the energy that it can evoke in the right moment

 

[DonnaEcup]

I think it can be a shared experience. And my comments are honestly just one "take" on the situation.

I think that it often helps to look at non-sexual analogies to take the emotion out of it. For example, my husband is a very good golfer whereas I am average at best. Nevertheless we do genuinely enjoy playing a few rounds together, often with another couple as foursome (the parallel to swinging is unintended). Our enjoyment is as much about the shared experience as it is about the golf. I don't see this as being in conflict with the fact that he also enjoys playing at a more competitive level with other people. And given that I know he enjoys golf and is in more demand as a partner than I am it would seem very strange to expect that he would limit his enjoyment of the game to only those rounds that we can share together.

Of course I don't discount the prospect that some couples do truly only want to play golf together. But to the extent that the have a rule against playing with other people that is a different matter because it represents a specific and explicit limitation, which raises the question of why that is necessary. There may be very good reasons, but I think it helps to reflect on them and what their implications are over time.



Further to my comments above, this strikes me as a productive and honest response. It appears that you are aware of your own feelings and your partner's feelings including some of the inherent conflicts. That is necessary to get to a balanced place. Jealousy and insecurity are real. Managing them is important but that is not at all the same as pretending they aren't there.

A lot of people have some pretty lame arguments (IMO) for wanting to impose constraints on one another. Most of the reasons people offer up for needing to keep tabs on your partner are nonsense. The idea that you will open up your relationship sexually but you can't trust your partner to be out of your sight or to interact with other grown-ups without disrespecting your relationship is ridiculous in my view because that lack of trust clearly indicates that a couple isn't ready for this sort of lifestyle.

Meanwhile saying "hey I have feelings of jealousy which can't be ignored, but I also don't want to ruin your experience, so let's take this slowly" is a perfectly rationale approach. Maybe the end point is to accept the fact that you won't ever be comfortable letting it go beyond a constrained environment with limiting rules. Just be honest with yourself about why that is and give your partner the latitude to be honest about how they feel.

If my husband said to me that he was only comfortable in the swingers scene (i.e. no hotwifing) where my partners could only be men in that scene who's wife wanted to be with my husband, it had to be purely physical with no contact outside of that scene and he always wanted to be in the same room my answer would be easy. No I don't want that. It holds no appeal to me at all. If that is the only scenario in which you are comfortable let's forget the whole thing and remain monogamous.

To use another sports analogy, I am a much better skier than my husband. If he said let's take a week in Switzerland and enjoy the skiing I would be all over that. But if he said that I had to be within his sight and on the easy green runs at all times and only two hours per day I would say let's forget it. Technically we would be skiing but those constraints would strip most of what I enjoy out of the experience and foster resentment.

I think your sports analogy hits the nail squarely on the head. The whole essence of Hotwifing is mutual respect and trust, without limitations or constraints. My husband has confided to me many times that it’s the unknown possibilities of my encounters with other men that provides the most erotic tension for him.
For my part if I’m able to engage in a new relationship as if I were a single and unrestricted woman the possibilities become limitless. Of course any man I seek a sexual relationship with has to respect that I am in fact a happily married woman who has the freedom to act on her intimate sexual desires.
Thank you for your wonderful explanations and I look forward to reading more of your commentary as I am going to start following you.Donna xx

 

[policywank]

I think your sports analogy hits the nail squarely on the head. The whole essence of Hotwifing is mutual respect and trust, without limitations or constraints. My husband has confided to me many times that it’s the unknown possibilities of my encounters with other men that provides the most erotic tension for him.
For my part if I’m able to engage in a new relationship as if I were a single and unrestricted woman the possibilities become limitless. Of course any man I seek a sexual relationship with has to respect that I am in fact a happily married woman who has the freedom to act on her intimate sexual desires.
Thank you for your wonderful explanations and I look forward to reading more of your commentary as I am going to start following you.Donna xx

Thank you for the kind words. Over time I have found that the hotwife lifestyle has even afforded me experiences that often exceed those in which I indulged when single. Perhaps it is just the coincident maturity that comes with the time since I was single. But I find that the unique circumstances of a hotwife help frame a uniquely sexual experience or set of experiences that exist independent of any expectation of resulting in a traditional committed long-term relationship. Yet at least for me they are not usually fleeting or one-time only things either. I have sustained relationships with multiple men who actively embrace a unique sexual paradigm. That paradigm did sometimes exist when I was single, but my circumstances now sort of define those parameters more clearly and compel the men I am with to see our interactions through that lens.

The fact that they know I go home to a husband that I love and that I have similar sexual relationships with other men sets a whole different set of base line assumptions. It is sort of a filter. To the extent that some men cannot adapt to that is part of what drives unique outcomes because they self select themselves out of dating me. Meanwhile those that do date me are compelled to adapt to a unique sexual outlook that facilitates my complete freedom while facilitating an exceptionally high level of sexual openness and adventurous spirit.

 

[live4thebj]

Let’s see. My wife and I were going to swap which if you looked at the couple I would have benefited from the deal with how hot the wife is. But we divorced before that could happen. Not sure if our relationship would have survived that but I think the relationship was on its way out which is why she started to want to do such things.

Then the first woman I fell in love with after my divorce once her friend kissed me in front of her and we later that night fooled around. The gf was pissed the next day and she dumped me. We eventually got back together. Then a long time later I had her come to my friends condo which resulted in her being gangbanged by my buddies while she was sucking my cock the whole time.

It didn’t and did bother me after. I wasn’t so much jealous but later it bothered me to the point is how can I stay in a long term relationship with someone that got fucked by my friends. Might have been different if the guys weren’t friends. So in short that relationship ended.

Now I am in a 12 year relationship. The only thing I would allow is her having sex with a woman or us sharing one. I couldn’t handle another guy fucking her.

 

[djrip]

I think it can be a shared experience. And my comments are honestly just one "take" on the situation.

I think that it often helps to look at non-sexual analogies to take the emotion out of it. For example, my husband is a very good golfer whereas I am average at best. Nevertheless we do genuinely enjoy playing a few rounds together, often with another couple as foursome (the parallel to swinging is unintended). Our enjoyment is as much about the shared experience as it is about the golf. I don't see this as being in conflict with the fact that he also enjoys playing at a more competitive level with other people. And given that I know he enjoys golf and is in more demand as a partner than I am it would seem very strange to expect that he would limit his enjoyment of the game to only those rounds that we can share together.

Of course I don't discount the prospect that some couples do truly only want to play golf together. But to the extent that the have a rule against playing with other people that is a different matter because it represents a specific and explicit limitation, which raises the question of why that is necessary. There may be very good reasons, but I think it helps to reflect on them and what their implications are over time.



Further to my comments above, this strikes me as a productive and honest response. It appears that you are aware of your own feelings and your partner's feelings including some of the inherent conflicts. That is necessary to get to a balanced place. Jealousy and insecurity are real. Managing them is important but that is not at all the same as pretending they aren't there.

A lot of people have some pretty lame arguments (IMO) for wanting to impose constraints on one another. Most of the reasons people offer up for needing to keep tabs on your partner are nonsense. The idea that you will open up your relationship sexually but you can't trust your partner to be out of your sight or to interact with other grown-ups without disrespecting your relationship is ridiculous in my view because that lack of trust clearly indicates that a couple isn't ready for this sort of lifestyle.

Meanwhile saying "hey I have feelings of jealousy which can't be ignored, but I also don't want to ruin your experience, so let's take this slowly" is a perfectly rationale approach. Maybe the end point is to accept the fact that you won't ever be comfortable letting it go beyond a constrained environment with limiting rules. Just be honest with yourself about why that is and give your partner the latitude to be honest about how they feel.

If my husband said to me that he was only comfortable in the swingers scene (i.e. no hotwifing) where my partners could only be men in that scene who's wife wanted to be with my husband, it had to be purely physical with no contact outside of that scene and he always wanted to be in the same room my answer would be easy. No I don't want that. It holds no appeal to me at all. If that is the only scenario in which you are comfortable let's forget the whole thing and remain monogamous.

To use another sports analogy, I am a much better skier than my husband. If he said let's take a week in Switzerland and enjoy the skiing I would be all over that. But if he said that I had to be within his sight and on the easy green runs at all times and only two hours per day I would say let's forget it. Technically we would be skiing but those constraints would strip most of what I enjoy out of the experience and foster resentment.

I've found your insights and lifestyle very interesting. I can definitely relate to wanting freedom to kind of be yourself in these contexts, not doing everything through a sort of filter where you're always concerned with your husband's perspective/feelings/worries/restrictions etc. For instance my wife and I have an in-theory open relationship, not acted upon, and we've talked about how we would want each other to tell the other if something like that was happening. But we both felt it would be weird to do too much in the initial stages, like, "okay honey, well I just talked to someone and don't know if anything will ever happen with them, but they're kind of cute and maybe I'd be interested, but don't know if they are yet, etc etc". Feels like too much keeping of tabs, and thinking about all that in the early stages of meeting someone seems like it would stifle the person from allowing an interaction or a relationship with the outside party to develop naturally. Seems like you've got to be free to kind of interact in an unrestricted way in order to even have a chance of letting things happen, building interest in the other person, etc. Then if things do reach a point where something sexual might happen, *then* maybe tell the spouse about it before taking that step.

I think you're right that women will pretty much always have an easier time and more opportunities to find extra-marital relations. And it could feel stilting to always have to hold ones' self back and only operate in some particular way like you describe with swinging rules.

But I do also feel like in a loving relationship, perhaps there is some mutual interest in seeing the other person fulfilled. Sometimes the way you describe things, and if this is inaccurate the fault is all mine, it seems like an everyone for themselves kind of thing. (well I'm not clear on if you husband also does anything like this or not; if he just has no interest in doing so, or by mutual agreement only you are permitted, then this may be somewhat moot in your case) Like I could imagine setting up my wife with guys, and I could imagine her setting me up with her friends. Being each others wing people, so to speak. Finding enjoyment in the other person's pleasure, and therefore helping them with it. Compersion, I think the poly people call it. I like the idea of my wife and her friends talking about me behind my back, her proud to describe how well I attend to her, them appreciative and interested, her saying well why don't we have him show you. Or same with me talking about her to potential male suitors. Just fantasy, of course. But it feels like that would create a kind of partners-in-crime, we're in this together and for each other, kind of feeling.

I also think doing such things together could be similar. Like the skiing analogy; maybe you don't want to be limited to the easy slopes only, but it's fun to do things together with a loving partner; it's fun to ski with them and even teach them stuff about skiing, at least part of the time, and then maybe hit the harder slopes on your own as well. In fact if I took my wife skiing and she didn't want to be held back by my inexperience at all, and never wanted to ski on the easy slope with me, I'd feel kind of like, are we even here together? Why are we even doing this? Similarly, I feel like threesomes with a spouse could be like a fun activity done together and making each other feel included. And then other times things could be separate. So there's no restriction designed to limit, just mutual interest in helping each other be as fulfilled as possible.

My lack of experience with anything like this means these are just thoughts about how I might like it to work in theory. And, fodder for my stories, of course. But your posts do a great job of getting me thinking about the (sometimes unforeseen) ins and outs of it all.

Edit: I've focused on the skiing analogy here, but I see the golf analogy is a lot like what I'm describing, actually.

 

[policywank]

I've found your insights and lifestyle very interesting. I can definitely relate to wanting freedom to kind of be yourself in these contexts, not doing everything through a sort of filter where you're always concerned with your husband's perspective/feelings/worries/restrictions etc. For instance my wife and I have an in-theory open relationship, not acted upon, and we've talked about how we would want each other to tell the other if something like that was happening. But we both felt it would be weird to do too much in the initial stages, like, "okay honey, well I just talked to someone and don't know if anything will ever happen with them, but they're kind of cute and maybe I'd be interested, but don't know if they are yet, etc etc". Feels like too much keeping of tabs, and thinking about all that in the early stages of meeting someone seems like it would stifle the person from allowing an interaction or a relationship with the outside party to develop naturally. Seems like you've got to be free to kind of interact in an unrestricted way in order to even have a chance of letting things happen, building interest in the other person, etc. Then if things do reach a point where something sexual might happen, *then* maybe tell the spouse about it before taking that step.

I think you're right that women will pretty much always have an easier time and more opportunities to find extra-marital relations. And it could feel stilting to always have to hold ones' self back and only operate in some particular way like you describe with swinging rules.

But I do also feel like in a loving relationship, perhaps there is some mutual interest in seeing the other person fulfilled. Sometimes the way you describe things, and if this is inaccurate the fault is all mine, it seems like an everyone for themselves kind of thing. (well I'm not clear on if you husband also does anything like this or not; if he just has no interest in doing so, or by mutual agreement only you are permitted, then this may be somewhat moot in your case) Like I could imagine setting up my wife with guys, and I could imagine her setting me up with her friends. Being each others wing people, so to speak. Finding enjoyment in the other person's pleasure, and therefore helping them with it. Compersion, I think the poly people call it. I like the idea of my wife and her friends talking about me behind my back, her proud to describe how well I attend to her, them appreciative and interested, her saying well why don't we have him show you. Or same with me talking about her to potential male suitors. Just fantasy, of course. But it feels like that would create a kind of partners-in-crime, we're in this together and for each other, kind of feeling.

I also think doing such things together could be similar. Like the skiing analogy; maybe you don't want to be limited to the easy slopes only, but it's fun to do things together with a loving partner; it's fun to ski with them and even teach them stuff about skiing, at least part of the time, and then maybe hit the harder slopes on your own as well. In fact if I took my wife skiing and she didn't want to be held back by my inexperience at all, and never wanted to ski on the easy slope with me, I'd feel kind of like, are we even here together? Why are we even doing this? Similarly, I feel like threesomes with a spouse could be like a fun activity done together and making each other feel included. And then other times things could be separate. So there's no restriction designed to limit, just mutual interest in helping each other be as fulfilled as possible.

My lack of experience with anything like this means these are just thoughts about how I might like it to work in theory. And, fodder for my stories, of course. But your posts do a great job of getting me thinking about the (sometimes unforeseen) ins and outs of it all.

Edit: I've focused on the skiing analogy here, but I see the golf analogy is a lot like what I'm describing, actually.

My intent certainly is not an everyone for themselves thing. But it does sometimes get interpreted that way so I understand what you mean.

Consider my skiing analogy. When we go skiing I do spend much of the time with my husband whether that is staying on the easier runs or helping him improve on some of the intermediate runs. He will also often tackle the tougher runs - it isn't always pretty but he gets down in one piece where I am waiting for him at a predetermined spot. The point isn't to avoid or deprioritize the time we spend and the things we do together. The point is that I don't need rigid rules compelling me to make him a priority. And just like I make being with him a priority he feels that it is a priority to make sure I get to enjoy some time on the more difficult runs - knowing full well I am not going to use that latitude as an excuse to abandon him. Knowing all that, what purpose would a bunch of rules serve other than to convey to him the power to dictate how we will share our time rather than us balancing that out collaboratively?

When it comes to social interaction, take the sex part out of the equation for illustrative purposes. Suppose you and your wife were going to a party at a friend's house. Now imagine that she insisted on a set of rules dictating her proximity to you at all times, who you could socialize with for how long, the things you could say, the premise that the spouse of whomever she is chatting with must chat with you etc. I think that most grown ups would say something along the lines of "wtf honey, all that isn't necessary". Now suppose her response to that was to say that the fact that you didn't want all of those controlling rules must mean that you just want the evening to be everyone for themselves. That wouldn't make much sense would it.....unless of course you already make a habit of abandoning your wife at parties in which case there is a larger problem at play isn't there?

In my opinion it is human nature to want a minimum of rules and controls imposed upon us. It is in our nature to value freedom. That isn't so that we can be selfish or ignore or exclude our partners. It is a simple matter of having our own agency. In a grown up relationship that doesn't preclude us from being sensitive to and interactive with a partner who also has their own agency. As long as we value one another, look out for one another and stay tuned to one another there is little or no need for rules. In that context rules simply become the means by which one party seeks to control the other.

The alternative to a rules based approach isn't a free for all where everyone is in it for themselves selfishly. That is a false premise put forward by people seeking an excuse to impose controlling rules on their partner. The alternative is a balanced relationship where we a value one another, want to be together and want to experience things together so we don't need rigid rules to tell us how to get along. That is the implicit assumption I am making when I push back against the rules - that I can be trusted to value and be sensitive to my partner, not that I want to be selfish. And in our relationship model I actually see that as a higher standard. I need to make sure my actions do not hurt my husband or leave him feeling abandoned or unappreciated - it is my responsibility (and vice versa) to ensure that never happens and if it does I can't hide behind the absence of a rule limiting whatever it is that I did to make him feel that way.

 

[djrip]

My intent certainly is not an everyone for themselves thing. But it does sometimes get interpreted that way so I understand what you mean.

Consider my skiing analogy. When we go skiing I do spend much of the time with my husband whether that is staying on the easier runs or helping him improve on some of the intermediate runs. He will also often tackle the tougher runs - it isn't always pretty but he gets down in one piece where I am waiting for him at a predetermined spot. The point isn't to avoid or deprioritize the time we spend and the things we do together. The point is that I don't need rigid rules compelling me to make him a priority. And just like I make being with him a priority he feels that it is a priority to make sure I get to enjoy some time on the more difficult runs - knowing full well I am not going to use that latitude as an excuse to abandon him. Knowing all that, what purpose would a bunch of rules serve other than to convey to him the power to dictate how we will share our time rather than us balancing that out collaboratively?

When it comes to social interaction, take the sex part out of the equation for illustrative purposes. Suppose you and your wife were going to a party at a friend's house. Now imagine that she insisted on a set of rules dictating her proximity to you at all times, who you could socialize with for how long, the things you could say, the premise that the spouse of whomever she is chatting with must chat with you etc. I think that most grown ups would say something along the lines of "wtf honey, all that isn't necessary". Now suppose her response to that was to say that the fact that you didn't want all of those controlling rules must mean that you just want the evening to be everyone for themselves. That wouldn't make much sense would it.....unless of course you already make a habit of abandoning your wife at parties in which case there is a larger problem at play isn't there?

In my opinion it is human nature to want a minimum of rules and controls imposed upon us. It is in our nature to value freedom. That isn't so that we can be selfish or ignore or exclude our partners. It is a simple matter of having our own agency. In a grown up relationship that doesn't preclude us from being sensitive to and interactive with a partner who also has their own agency. As long as we value one another, look out for one another and stay tuned to one another there is little or no need for rules. In that context rules simply become the means by which one party seeks to control the other.

The alternative to a rules based approach isn't a free for all where everyone is in it for themselves selfishly. That is a false premise put forward by people seeking an excuse to impose controlling rules on their partner. The alternative is a balanced relationship where we a value one another, want to be together and want to experience things together so we don't need rigid rules to tell us how to get along. That is the implicit assumption I am making when I push back against the rules - that I can be trusted to value and be sensitive to my partner, not that I want to be selfish. And in our relationship model I actually see that as a higher standard. I need to make sure my actions do not hurt my husband or leave him feeling abandoned or unappreciated - it is my responsibility (and vice versa) to ensure that never happens and if it does I can't hide behind the absence of a rule limiting whatever it is that I did to make him feel that way.

This is basically a perfect explanation, covering all the issues I was pondering, but so much more clear and well-written. Yes, this model sounds like how I would envision things. You always hear about threesomes going bad or someone feeling left out; I always think, well if all three people actually like or love each other, and are dedicated to making the other two feel included and valued, that probably wouldn't happen...

 

[policywank]

This is basically a perfect explanation, covering all the issues I was pondering, but so much more clear and well-written. Yes, this model sounds like how I would envision things. You always hear about threesomes going bad or someone feeling left out; I always think, well if all three people actually like or love each other, and are dedicated to making the other two feel included and valued, that probably wouldn't happen...

Exactly. I tend to feel that if your partner is not sufficiently dialled in to your needs and emotions to navigate what can be some complex and powerful feelings, rules aren't going to compensate for that. Likewise if either partner is not psychologically and emotionally ready for this experience, rules will not be an adequate buffer.

Meanwhile I think that human interactions are far more complex than can be captured in a set of do's and don'ts. I don't think that they can capture all possibilities and leave open the risk of missing some. Imagine the scenario where I do something that hurts my partner, but there was no explicit rule against it. That doesn't change the damage that I have caused and in my opinion shouldn't relieve me of the responsibility to be more careful.

One example that really resonates with me is the behaviour of other men. Even away from this specific sexual scenario it has been my observation that men do engage in little dominance games in relation to one another. And women who want to keep the peace or don't want to believe that it is true will often be dismissive of them (i.e. "Oh he was just being nice" when your husband knows damn well he was hitting on you). In this type of scenario there is no room whatsoever for that nonsense - not the male behaviour and certainly not the naiveté on my part. And I cannot conceive of coming up with an elaborate set of rules that would determine whether the other guy is engaging in that behaviour or not. The only way to manage it is to be fully aware and never be dismissive of my husband's feelings/instincts in the matter. It is possible that he will be over sensitive or use that perceived sensitivity to control the situation, but that must be dealt with afterwards in private between him and I.

 

[4yourpleasureiam]

I am a realist, without men my wife would never feel a man in her. I am happy she has fun with men. I am greattful when I can taste them and be a part of her enjoyment

 

[VikingPhoenix]

I’ve been sharing my husband for years and no issues
But I do pick out the girls

Do you mind je asking what gets you going while sharing him. It's an interesting discussion that my wife and I have fun with. Her fantasy is only her being shared. I smile and go along but I wouldn't mind being shared a little. Cheers!

 

[Lady2020]

Idk. I think women are more terroritorial than men. Discuss.