Things you should maybe avoid

[crookedletter]

I'm tempted to say avoid spitting out a draft in one pass and then just hitting publish. Maybe some can get away with that. I, for one, cannot.

The type of awkward intro noted in this thread always gives me the impression these are the first words the writer put down on the page. They were still working out what their story was, who their characters were, and maybe it was useful to just write it all out like that. "Hi, I'm..." etc., as if the character is introducing themselves to the writer along with the reader.

I think that can be useful. Give yourself permission to write an awkward clunky intro so you can get something down, get the story rolling. But then go back and revise.

 

[StillStunned]

Things that will have me noping out of a story within the first few paragraphs:

Names that go overboard with AE, X, Y and TH, and above all apostrophes. If I can't pronounce it, I won't remember it, and I won't care about the character.

Descriptions that provide information but no sense of atmosphere. You're writing fiction, not a history book or travelogue.

Faux-techno names for things (in sci-fi) that seem to exist purely to give a futuristic feel to the story. The "ten-foot laser pole" joke from Darths & Droids. Bonus points for strange capitalisation (I'm looking at you, "Red Rising"!).

And protagonists who are totally cool and competent simply by virtue of being the young and cool protagonist, and everyone around them might as well have an "Okay Boomer" note stuck to their back.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I hate you.

I want to start a story with something like this just for the cringe of it. Raid: Shadow Legends included.

Chain story, anyone? Maybe as an exercise, make it a chain of 750-word stories?

 

[KittyOfSteele]

Chain story, anyone? Maybe as an exercise, make it a chain of 750-word stories?

The Lit convention, but VidCon is tickling my scalp now.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

I'm a 22-year-old blonde with blue eyes and C cup boobs, and I'm sort of a slut. This is the story of the Saturday night I did the entire rugby team in front of my mom and dad.

Plot twist! It's an unreliable narrator, and it turns out he's really a closeted gay brunet man, who did the entire rugby team wearing a blonde wig and padded bra. His folks didn't recognize him. (They subscribe to the Real Locker Room Sex OnlyFans channel, he only finds out later they were watching when he overhears them talk about it.)

Sorry, my plot-twist-inclined brain even finds twists to my own jokes.

 

[caleb35]

You mean you don't like

... as the opening of a story?

But... but how else will I know what her boob size is?

 

[Britva415]

No real person I've met would say, "... the local community college."

Well, no real person I've met would ever un-ironically say "so very" in a spoken or even written conversation, but I get spanked when I talk about how grating that is on my reading eyes.

I have said literally exactly this, in the quote above.

I will say it to people who don't necessarily know my region or what its college is called, but I can count on them to know what "a local community college" is. And yeah, sometimes it's necessary to specify that it's the "local" one, without necessarily naming it.

Or, even with locals people who damn well know what , I'll talk about "community college" without specifying whether it's local or what its name is. After all, "Devon County Community College" is such a mouthful that saying that out loud is just as incongruous and hard to believe in most situations.

Real conversation can and does go both more specific and less specific than "the local community college."

An author can perfectly well think about whether going for "verisimilitude" is so much more important than narrative convenience that they will contrive to avoid contrivance at all radical costs. Sometimes it is. Other times, not.

After all, you can't just have your character say "DCCC" like most real life people would say most of the time either - at least, not the first time the reader sees/hears it, even if it's not the first time the hearing character hears it.

Now:
That isn't the main nitpick from your post.

I'm not fond of the, "First person but not addressed to anyone" style

Me neither.

but that phrase in the very first line blew me right out of the story.

Really?

Did you not want them to mention being a community college student at all? Do you not like how it establishes a small point of characterization even though it never becomes a plot point? Did you want them to not say it like "the local" community college?

Hey, I get it. I also have things that take me out of a story which other people are totally amazed at when I say it yeeted me. I'm just kind of amazed at this one

 

[TheLobster]

I hate you.

I want to start a story with something like this just for the cringe of it. Raid: Shadow Legends included.

Somewhere on my TODO list is to write a “story” that’s exactly in this format, complete with awkward interstitials that include additional ‘ads’, and to wrap all this cellophane around the most trite, banal, and trope-ridden tale about mom on son’s lap in the backseat.

One of these days…

 

[Ianus4]

 

[forgotmyantidepressants]

Avoid info dumps. Especially in the opening paragraphs. It doesn't matter if it's a description of the really cool fantasy world you built or the tragic backstory of your main character. A little exposition here and there is honestly necessary at times, but when it starts to feel like a history lesson or a biography I typically close the tab.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Avoid info dumps. Especially in the opening paragraphs. It doesn't matter if it's a description of the really cool fantasy world you built or the tragic backstory of your main character. A little exposition here and there is honestly necessary at times, but when it starts to feel like a history lesson or a biography I typically close the tab.

There are writers, especially but not only in Sci-Fi and Fantasy, that post an entire chapter zero of background before starting the actual story. I blame RPG supplements. Some folks seem to have been trained to think you need to actually publish background rather than include it in the story itself.

Back when I GM'd RPGs, I'd limit the background to "You live in a fishing village, and all the player characters are teenagers just entering adulthood." Then, I'd reveal stuff like "A troll cave is north of the village" by having trolls raid them, and the elders explain to the PCs (who are heroes because they helped fend off the trolls).

 

[Britva415]

I'm not fond of the, "First person but not addressed to anyone" style

I think "I go to the local community college" could be fine if it was addressed to someone

Let's just imagine that it was addressed to Penthouse Letters. Like, both on the envelope it was sent in, and in the author's concept of who the "hearer" is. That, to me, is the impression given by "first person but not addressed to anyone," particularly here on Lit.

In non-Lit fiction it's a little different (and harder to suspend disbelief) but this is the main reasons I consistently dislike first-person narration: Because authors consistently don't have an in-character, in-universe concept of who this person is telling this story to, or why, or how.

I have expressed that and gotten push-back in the form of, "well, it's just that character's internal stream of experience." Oh yeah? So, they really just spontaneously had that thought to theirself about how they go to Devon County Community College, and this and other characterization-establishing thoughts ("My bust is 42 inches, my cups are like motorcycle helmets, teehee") were conveniently right at the beginning of where the author decided to "jack in" and hit Record on the SQUID? (Strange Days reference)

Clearly this story isn't an example of that kind of writing frame. Almost none are, and, even the ones whose authors have told me that that's the frame they had in mind while writing, those ones too have these kinds of obviously narrative lines which belie the stream-of-consciousness conceit.

 

[Britva415]

IIRC there was at least one writing challenge to start a story with one of those lines. "...dark and stormy night," I think.

Are you thinking of the annual Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest? Its point was to enter the worst ostensible opening-paragraphs one could compose.

Not necessarily starting with "dark and stormy night," though many entries did.

 

[Britva415]

Names that go overboard with AE, X, Y and TH

Looking at you, Elon

 

[StillStunned]

Looking at you, Elon

Ae'lon.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Things that will have me noping out of a story within the first few paragraphs:

Names that go overboard with AE, X, Y and TH, and above all apostrophes. If I can't pronounce it, I won't remember it, and I won't care about the character.

Descriptions that provide information but no sense of atmosphere. You're writing fiction, not a history book or travelogue.

Faux-techno names for things (in sci-fi) that seem to exist purely to give a futuristic feel to the story. The "ten-foot laser pole" joke from Darths & Droids. Bonus points for strange capitalisation (I'm looking at you, "Red Rising"!).

And protagonists who are totally cool and competent simply by virtue of being the young and cool protagonist, and everyone around them might as well have an "Okay Boomer" note stuck to their back.

Unpronouncable names are terrible. Or when every character has a hip trendy name.
I tend to look at the social security list of most popular baby names, and the names like Robert and Cindy still dominate. They've been popular for a long time, and still are.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Looking at you, Elon

Frank Zappa has entered the conversation.

 

[Britva415]

You know what, I'm not even arguing against Penthouse Letters type stories. There definitely are stories I have enjoyed here (and, needless to say, in PH) which were written with, well, not Penthouse specifically in mind, but, specifically from the authorial attitude of "here's a first person narration that's going to be read by horny guys out there" and the story itself never deviates from that naked conceit.

It works when it's not incongrous, it's not pretentious, it's not ill-conceived. Like I myself already do, I think it would be useful if the Penthouse Letters narration convention were recognized and appreciated by other AH'ers because it's such a great short-hand for referring to a certain kind of story. Both when it works and when it doesn't.

The Penthouse Letters style also provides a potential built-in answer to my perennial question about why is the author telling this story, to whom, and why and how. It's easy, honest and honorable. It's the default. Some authors don't want to answer that question that way - fair and valid, but you have to think more and write differently if you don't want the story to come off like a Penthouse Letter. Some don't want to answer it at all - welp, proceed at your own risk.

 

[SimonDoom]

There is an annual Bulwer Lytton contest.

Unfortunately, it has ceased.

I loved that contest. So much great-cringy writing.

 

[SkyBubble]

When I started writing here I had a tendency to lean on the word "Now." A commenter called me out on it and now I avoid it.

 

[SkyBubble]

There is an annual Bulwer Lytton contest.

At least there was. I think they've stopped it now.

 

[SkyBubble]

her hair and eye colour by a colleague complimenting her on her dress and how well it suits

One of my characters loves teal because it makes her dark hair pop.

 

[SkyBubble]

Give yourself permission to write an awkward clunky intro so you can get something down, get the story rolling. But then go back and revise.

Draft, then craft.

 

[Baztrachian]

No real person I've met would say, "...(I go to) the local community college."

Try this bit of story:

Hector lives in Winnemucca, a city in Nevada whose primary claim to fame is a funny name and being established where US 95 and Interstate 80 intersect.

One day Hector is pumping gas for a young woman in a shiny new BMW.

"Do you go to Harvard? You're familiar to me." she asks.

"No, I go to the local community college." replies Hector.

Hector would have no reason to elaborate on the name of the local community college because someone who is passing through Winnemucca and who also attends Harvard is unlikely to give a shit what name hangs on the local CC.

 

[SkyBubble]

Somewhere on my TODO list is to write a “story” that’s exactly in this format, complete with awkward interstitials that include additional ‘ads’, and to wrap all this cellophane around the most trite, banal, and trope-ridden tale about mom on son’s lap in the backseat.

Don't forget to interrupt it in the middle to remind everyone to subscribe.