Things you should maybe avoid

[TheWritingGroup]

This topic meant for things you see in stories (your own or someone else's) that you think other writers should try not to do. Could be infelicitous words, usage mistakes, misleading typos, or anything else.

My first example is from a story on the New list. I'm not trying to mock the author, so I'm going to change a couple of words, but this is the gist.

Hi, I'm Hector. I go to the local community college.

No real person I've met would say, "... the local community college." They'd say, "I go to Devon County Community College."

Maybe worth mentioning that the community college never comes up in the story. It's in that little unnecessary pseudo-autobiography bit at the beginning

I'm not fond of the, "First person but not addressed to anyone" style, either, but that phrase in the very first line blew me right out of the story.

 

[Writer61]

In a yet-to-be-published series, one of the male characters is black, but I did not mention that fact until about halfway through the story. A beta-reader commented that this had thrown her out of the moment, which was a fair comment. Since then, I have tried to describe each character as early as possible.

 

[Bazzle]

This topic meant for things you see in stories (your own or someone else's) that you think other writers should try not to do. Could be infelicitous words, usage mistakes, misleading typos, or anything else.

My first example is from a story on the New list. I'm not trying to mock the author, so I'm going to change a couple of words, but this is the gist.



No real person I've met would say, "... the local community college." They'd say, "I go to Devon County Community College."

Maybe worth mentioning that the community college never comes up in the story. It's in that little unnecessary pseudo-autobiography bit at the beginning

I'm not fond of the, "First person but not addressed to anyone" style, either, but that phrase in the very first line blew me right out of the story.

Is it their methodology of aging Hector.

Rather than 'Hi, I'm Hector a resident of the local retirement centre."
Or "Hi, I'm Hector, I'm twenty three, have brown hair, blue eyes, and my trousers are a 32" waist."

 

[NotWise]

It's usually a bad idea to set up a potentially erotic situation, lead the readers into it, and then do something else.

It can be used to build tension and conflict, but use it judiciously. It risks giving the readers literary blue balls and the backlash that results.

 

[Andreas_Kreuz]

No real person I've met would say, "... the local community college." They'd say, "I go to Devon County Community College."

Depends on where he says it. If the conversation is somewhere where other people would not know that specific college, he might say "local community college"

 

[CalBishForNow]

I'm not fond of the, "First person but not addressed to anyone" style, either, but that phrase in the very first line blew me right out of the story.

I think "I go to the local community college" could be fine if it was addressed to someone and the story consistently used the conceit that the audience is their friend or therapist or next victim or something. If it's just an infodump, agreed, it's a lazy way to do it.

It's usually a bad idea to set up a potentially erotic situation, lead the readers into it, and then do something else.

Damn. After only a month, I'm about 1500 words into my next WIP, and I just finished writing a scene where the FMC and MMC get cockblocked by their kid waking up in the middle of the night and asking for a drink of water. Time to throw the whole thing out and start over from scratch.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Depends on where he says it. If the conversation is somewhere where other people would not know that specific college, he might say "local community college"

It's the first two sentences of the story. We never learn who he's talking to. I'm sure the author never thought about that. If I was his editor, I'd suggest he rewrite it as Hector telling the story to buddies in a campus bar or something.

 

[ElectricBlue]

Maybe worth mentioning that the community college never comes up in the story. It's in that little unnecessary pseudo-autobiography bit at the beginning

That's right up there with, "When I went home for the summer vacation, yap yap yap, blah blah blah," and five hundred words of tedious and irrelevant info dump follow. I'm out of those stories even before the end of the first paragraph. There are worse beginnings, but not many.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

Starting with "hi" doesn’t help either. Feels very YouTubeish, and doesn't provide any kind of hook to make me want to keep reading.

Particularly on a site like this your first paragraph needs to grab attention or people are clicking the back button.

 

[TheWritingGroup]

That's right up there with, "When I went home for the summer vacation, yap yap yap, blah blah blah," and five hundred words of tedious and irrelevant info dump follow. I'm out of those stories even before the end of the first paragraph. There are worse beginnings, but not many.

You mean you don't like

I'm a 22-year-old blonde with blue eyes and C cup boobs, and I'm sort of a slut. This is the story of the Saturday night I did the entire rugby team in front of my mom and dad.

... as the opening of a story?

 

[TheLobster]

Feels very YouTubeish

Hi, I'm Hector! I go to the local community college, and believe me guys, what I have for you today is absolutely crazy! So please scroll down and click that like button, and if you want to never miss such stories make sure you subscribe as well.

So, let's get into it — but before we do, here's a quick word from today's sponsor...

 

[TheWritingGroup]

Hi, I'm Hector! I go to the local community college, and believe me guys, what I have for you today is absolutely crazy! So please scroll down and click that like button, and if you want to never miss such stories make sure you subscribe as well.

So, let's get into it — but before we do, here's a quick word from today's sponsor...

If you actually rewrote the story (it's about a pizza deliverer) like that, with the humor element, it might be hilarious.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

If you actually rewrote the story (it's about a pizza deliverer) like that, with the humor element, it might be hilarious.

Don't forget to click like and subscribe!

 

[NotWise]

Damn. After only a month, I'm about 1500 words into my next WIP, and I just finished writing a scene where the FMC and MMC get cockblocked by their kid waking up in the middle of the night and asking for a drink of water. Time to throw the whole thing out and start over from scratch.

Depends on how much buildup you've given the readers. If you get them to the edge then back off, then your readers might not be happy.

 

[CalBishForNow]

Depends on how much buildup you've given the readers. If you get them to the edge then back off, then your readers might not be happy.

Eh, it never was the main sex scene of the story. Maybe I'll back off on this scene a bit, but despite my comment I'm not really thinking of reworking it too much. I just found it funny.

 

[MrPixel]

Probably best to avoid these openers as well: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," "It was a dark and stormy night," "Call me Ishmael," and "A journey is like marriage."

 

[BeechLeaf]

The words 'I suppose I should describe myself' in paragraph 2.

 

[TheLobster]

Probably best to avoid these openers as well: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," "It was a dark and stormy night," "Call me Ishmael," and "A journey is like marriage."

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any author in possession of such an opening must be in want of an editor.

 

[Writer61]

Probably best to avoid these openers as well: "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times," "It was a dark and stormy night," "Call me Ishmael," and "A journey is like marriage."

Perhaps also, "It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen."

That said, I think it could be fun to use one of those famous lines and then take the story in a different direction.

 

[MrPixel]

That said, I think it could be fun to use one of those famous lines and then take the story in a different direction.

IIRC there was at least one writing challenge to start a story with one of those lines. "...dark and stormy night," I think.

 

[BeechLeaf]

It might be fun to combine them. 'The clocks were striking thirteen: it was the worst of times. Call me Ishmael, but skip all the David Copperfield crap.' Hm, a plot bunny twitching the literary equivalent of myxom... nope, I'd have to look that up, so I admit defeat.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

The words 'I suppose I should describe myself' in paragraph 2.

These words don't belong anywhere in the story.

 

[Kelliezgirl]

IIRC there was at least one writing challenge to start a story with one of those lines. "...dark and stormy night," I think.

There is an annual Bulwer Lytton contest.

 

[KittyOfSteele]

Hi, I'm Hector! I go to the local community college, and believe me guys, what I have for you today is absolutely crazy! So please scroll down and click that like button, and if you want to never miss such stories make sure you subscribe as well.

So, let's get into it — but before we do, here's a quick word from today's sponsor...

I hate you.

I want to start a story with something like this just for the cringe of it. Raid: Shadow Legends included.

 

[Actingup]

You mean you don't like

... as the opening of a story?

The problem is filling out the rest of the 750 words after giving all the essentials

‘Hi’, ‘my name is’ and other self introductions are to be avoided. Let her boob size become apparent when she’s on a crowded train and trying not to crush into her crush. Let his dick size become clear after she yelps in pain and they have to change positions. Her education should be shown by her use of language, her hair and eye colour by a colleague complimenting her on her dress and how well it suits, and so on.

These and many other rules I have broken

If you’re going to do it in a first person narration, go large, make it part of the joke and address the reader knowingly, I reckon. Yesterday I referred to my ‘Monsoon Coming’ as one of my favourites of my stories. It’s not technically brilliant, but I like it. One of the opening paragraphs reads like this, and I think it’s fine for a Lit story:
—
Okay, so let's just get this out of the way. I'm the redhead of the story: you'll very rarely find more than one. I'm the one usually added when there's too many brunettes, blondes, and buxom black-haired beauties to be sustainable, and you need to tell us all apart. Because of the burning skin thing, I'm probably wearing a hat and sunscreen for much of the story, even in moonlight. More than likely, I'm also the one in this story that suffers the 'carpet matching the drapes' joke, although (spoiler alert) none of my co-stars here, and almost nobody in the story, is stupid enough to make that joke in my hearing. See if you can spot one coming though: you can never let your guard down too far. And don't forget I'm the narrator, so if they weren't stupid before they opened their mouth, they will be by the end of the scene.

Would I do this every time? Absolutely not. But it can be fun to lighten up. At least, that’s what they taught me at community college.