Things We'd Like to say at work...

[lil_elvis]

but only think:

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you' ll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're
saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point
of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an
artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely
coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be..?
23. Do I look like a people person?
24. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
25. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
26. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
27. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
28. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
29. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
30. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
31. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
32. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
33. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
34. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
35. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
36. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
37. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
38. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
39. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.

 

[R. Richard]

I actually did say this at work:

"8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant."

I told feces for brains why his "idea" wouldn't work and he asked me, "Who do you work for?"

 

[Salvor-Hardon]

As a network Admin with spurts of PC Repair I often wear my "No I will not fix your computer" T-shirt to work, just to watch people's faces as they ask me somethign then look at my shirt and suddenly feel very silly.

 

[OhMissScarlett]

The last day at work at a fast food restaurant, this old bag who was always complaining about the coffee asked me: "Is this coffee fresh?"

Before she took a drink. "Yeah, it sure is." I said, then paused until she took the drink. "But I did piss in it." I added.

 

[lil_elvis]

The last day at work at a fast food restaurant, this old bag who was always complaining about the coffee asked me: "Is this coffee fresh?"

Before she took a drink. "Yeah, it sure is." I said, then paused until she took the drink. "But I did piss in it." I added.

Glad I put my coffee down before reading this.

 

[Ferawyn]

I use number 8 (consultant) all the time. People seem to think I know where stuff is in their buildings...

Occasionally I would like to (but don't) use this one:

I don't hate people, I just think they're all idiots.
-- Maddox

 

[OhMissScarlett]

Glad I put my coffee down before reading this.

I didn't really pee in it, of course, but it was fun to watch her have a fit while I walked to the door and left.

 

[Dar~]

Does your little brain ever get lonely in your big fat head
Such a nice day, I think I'll skip my medication
I'm sorry, My fault. I forgot you are an idiot.


I work as a barista and I am really want something pissy to tell people,who actually ask me if a drink has coffee in it, I am always in shock. I get so sick of answering that quetion

 

[mlady_france]

Use this one when talking to certian managers.

"I don't get paid to work here, I get paid to stand around and look pretty....And all this fucking work is really making it hard for me to do that!"

 

[ElizabethWest]

I use #8 all the time too. Sometimes I let them get all the way through their spiel before I tell them I can't help them. Sometimes I just cut them off before they start. You can always tell by that look in their eye what they want.

 

[Colleen Thomas]

"No."

It's the most empowering word in the english language. Especially when used with salesmen or your boss

 

[mlady_france]

When ever a customer orders like 15 double cheese burgers and they each have to be made a different way I just want to look at them and say. "Look this isn't Burger King, we don't want you to have it your way, special orders upset us a whole hell of a lot!"

 

[Stella_Omega]

BAck in the days when sets were real and not drawn on computer screens, I worked on them. I liked being able to say "You can't expect a Jewish Princess to do THAT" and see people suddenly take that seriously. BUt I loved that job, I loved swinging a hammer- which I spray-painted pink to keep the guys from lifting (lost it anyway)
I was presented with a coffee cup that said "PRINCESS' *sniff* made my day.
I've never worked in a cubicle environment. Sometimes I wish I could.

 

[BlackShanglan]

At the animal shelter we were were relatively terse. "Fucking humans" summed up quite a lot of issues there. We also used "problem at other end of leash" a fair bit. To customers, though, you had to smile come hell or high water. Not that they were any joy to be near some times, but they were always attached to some poor animal that needed us to keep on good terms with them.

One of the joys of the current job is not having to take crap from subordinates. I try not to be rude or flip; one of the reasons I don't have to take crap from subordinates is that I don't permit myself to be unprofessional to them, which leaves them with no grounds for complaint. It is, however, refreshing to be able to respond to obvious lies by pointing out that they are, in fact, obvious lies. The liars always look shocked, too. Evidently no one's taken that particular tack with them before.

Shanglan

 

[lucky-E-leven]

re: Things we'd like to say at work

I'm in the mood for a good pussy lickin'. Who wants a raise?

 

[elsol]

What I would like to say at my job?

1. Jesus fucking Christ! How can you be THAT fucking hot!

2. Did I mention tall blondes are my type?

3. Did I mention buff, short brunettes are a weakness of mine.

4. Mother-I-Would-Like-To-Do-Such-Nasty-Things-To-You

5. Please wear a siren when you walk by cube... the whiplash is killing my neck.

God... at times, i think the fuckers who do the hiring are my-type-of-perverts...

There's even a GILF working for us...

Sincerely,
ElSol

 

[cantdog]

I use your number 1, elvis ( can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. ) in my job, phrased just the tiniest bit differently. I also take the blame at the drop of a hat if I think assigning blame is getting in the way of actually solving a difficulty. "Let's call that one 'my fault,' okay? I did it, blame me. The real question is, how to fix it."

I detest authority, so I dislike being put in charge. My style is leading from below, using reason. I like to cheer people up and help them refocus. I have no dignity to speak of, and that helps.

I gotta go with Colleen (as usual! ) and her keyword. Sometimes I preface it with: "But that's just silly!"

They may not like to see me coming, sometimes.

 

[minsue]

Oh, for fuck's sake I quit!