Things to Look for in a Dominant…

[BurningButterfly]

As someone who is exploring her submission, what should an individual look for in a Dominant? I sincerely appreciate your input.

 

[seela]

Pretty much the same things you’d look for in a non-D/s partner, only with the added bonus of interest in similar kinks. Only you can know what the things are that are important for you and what you can and want to compromise on.

Based on my own experiences, I’d say that if you’re looking for a long term dominant life partner, the non-kink things like do you really like them, do you like to spend time with them doing mundane things, do your values line up etc. matter more than if you get every single one of your kink boxes ticked. If you’re looking for a dominant partner just to do D/s with, then the kink boxes getting ticked is the more important bit than if they’re someone you can see yourself being with 10 years down the road.

Figure out your own limits and what you’re looking to get out of the situation, then find someone whose expectations line up with yours and who’s okay with your limits. Don’t be afraid to stick to your limits and preferences, they’re valid and having limits doesn’t make you non-submissive.

 

[IrisAlthea]

What Seela said.

You will find lots of people out there who like to tell you how it should be and what to look for. That is their truth but it doesn’t mean that it is what will work for you. One persons perfect dominant can be another persons asshat.

I think it also helps to remember that the dominant you are looking for is a human. The perfect dominant from stories and memes is not.
It wouls seem obvious, but exploring new things can be confusing and the line between fantasy and reality is sometimes blurry, when people talk about these things.

 

[Primalex]

He should

• live in a country with public health care.
• be around the age of 44-46.
• have gray hair.
• be smart.
• own a fucking machine.
• tip generously unless not warranted.
• love to cook or at least to bbq.

 

[BurningButterfly]

You forgot your beautiful yard.

Thank you all for the wonderful suggestions! I sincerely appreciate the kindness and honesty conversation, you have given me a great deal of insight!! Thank you for taking the time to provide me input. Wishing you a terrific Thursday!!

 

[BurningButterfly]

He should

• live in a country with public health care.
• be around the age of 44-46.
• have gray hair.
• be smart.
• own a fucking machine.
• tip generously unless not warranted.
• love to cook or at least to bbq.

Is this basic criteria or someone in particular? I appreciate the knowledge!!

 

[Primalex]

Is this basic criteria or someone in particular? I appreciate the knowledge!!

According to my studies, 100% of women I questioned reported that these were the traits of their favorite dominant.

https://i.imgur.com/leGjoBb.gif

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

According to my studies, 100% of women I questioned reported that these were the traits of their favorite dominant.

https://i.imgur.com/leGjoBb.gif

Not only that, these studies were beer-reviewed.

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

According to my studies, 100% of women I questioned reported that these were the traits of their favorite dominant.

https://i.imgur.com/leGjoBb.gif

Not only that, these studies were beer-reviewed.

84% of statistics are made up on the spot. 47% of people already knew that...

 

[TANSTAAFL58]

BurningButterfly, all kidding aside, do you have an understanding of the difference between BDSM and abuse? Do you understand that a you have to GIVE control to a Dom. A Dom that gets it, understands that first and foremost.

A Dom(me) is just a person, who enjoys power exchange. They share that preference with the sub. Everything else flows from that common understanding via communication. You have to talk to each other about lots of stuff...

 

[BurningButterfly]

BurningButterfly, all kidding aside, do you have an understanding of the difference between BDSM and abuse? Do you understand that a you have to GIVE control to a Dom. A Dom that gets it, understands that first and foremost.

A Dom(me) is just a person, who enjoys power exchange. They share that preference with the sub. Everything else flows from that common understanding via communication. You have to talk to each other about lots of stuff...

Well, I should hope so; it is a dynamic relationship, one based on connection and giving on both sides, and I love that each individual and relationship is unique on its own. Thank you for your kindness and sharing.

 

[BurningButterfly]

According to my studies, 100% of women I questioned reported that these were the traits of their favorite dominant.

https://i.imgur.com/leGjoBb.gif

Thank you for the banter and lightheartedness!!

 

[Primalex]

On a more serious note (after all, a dominant should be able to have serious conversations and lighthearted ones):

"Things to avoid in a dominant" seems to be more important in my opinion.

- A one track mind; a dominant should be passionate about something besides fucking your brains out. It's fine to be horny and passionate about fucking your brains out. But just sexting is a shallow foundation for a BDSM relationship in my opinion.

- Controlling communication. It's okay to have boundaries and set restrictions (like wanting a monogamous thingie and expecting the submissive to not engage with others in a sexual manner), but controlling the communication completely is a bad sign (unless you are applying for an actual "no rights" slave position). Controlling includes being required to inform the dominant.

- Extreme mood swings (and making you suffer due to them). Humans are not robots and allowed to have emotions, but in a dominant position you should be able to have at least a coping mechanism. It's okay to say:"I need to step back for a day or two to sort out my emotions." Hitting the wall out of anger is not (side note: a fairly American thing due to the flimsy walls - if your dominant smashes a hole into a German wall with his bare fist without requiring an ER visit, worship him as your new overlord).

- Relationship as punishment; endangering the bond as punishment never makes sense in a D/s relationship. The two most common examples are:"As punishment, I won't talk to you for a week." and "As punishment, your hard limit xyz is void and we are doing this now."

- Infallibility complex.

 

[IrisAlthea]

On a more serious note (after all, a dominant should be able to have serious conversations and lighthearted ones):

"Things to avoid in a dominant" seems to be more important in my opinion.

- A one track mind; a dominant should be passionate about something besides fucking your brains out. It's fine to be horny and passionate about fucking your brains out. But just sexting is a shallow foundation for a BDSM relationship in my opinion.

- Controlling communication. It's okay to have boundaries and set restrictions (like wanting a monogamous thingie and expecting the submissive to not engage with others in a sexual manner), but controlling the communication completely is a bad sign (unless you are applying for an actual "no rights" slave position). Controlling includes being required to inform the dominant.

- Extreme mood swings (and making you suffer due to them). Humans are not robots and allowed to have emotions, but in a dominant position you should be able to have at least a coping mechanism. It's okay to say:"I need to step back for a day or two to sort out my emotions." Hitting the wall out of anger is not (side note: a fairly American thing due to the flimsy walls - if your dominant smashes a hole into a German wall with his bare fist without requiring an ER visit, worship him as your new overlord).

- Relationship as punishment; endangering the bond as punishment never makes sense in a D/s relationship. The two most common examples are:"As punishment, I won't talk to you for a week." and "As punishment, your hard limit xyz is void and we are doing this now."

- Infallibility complex.

All good points and the last one helped me get to the bottom of something I thought about when I first saw this thread.
Being able to laugh at themselves kept coming to mind as an important thing to look for. It’s really a personal preference, but I was thinking there is still something universal to it. I think it is about that infallibility complex and I’d say that anyone who has the final say about important things should be able to say
”Wow, that was a spectacularly bad decision I made.” and be prepared to handle the fall out.

 

[Primalex]

All good points and the last one helped me get to the bottom of something I thought about when I first saw this thread.
Being able to laugh at themselves kept coming to mind as an important thing to look for. It’s really a personal preference, but I was thinking there is still something universal to it. I think it is about that infallibility complex and I’d say that anyone who has the final say about important things should be able to say
”Wow, that was a spectacularly bad decision I made.” and be prepared to handle the fall out.

It was the one term I didn't explain further, because I didn't find a concise description I was content with.

I'm not even sure about the personality traits it ties in. I know narcissists are fairly terrible in this - everything is the fault of somebody else. But is it related to egoism? or maturity? or ...?

"Fun" childhood fact:

I once ordered something (offline) at a shop I intended to pay with my own money.
My father was also in the same club as the shop owner. So, the next time they met at a club event, the shop owner asked my father what I intended to do with what I have ordered, out of curiosity. My father declared that I hadn't ordered anything - because he would know about that. Well, the shop owner disagreed with him naturally. So my father called the shop owner a liar and worse. So, when he came home, he asked my mother about it and she confirmed that the shop owner was right. My father blamed my mother now that he had to call the shop owner and admit that he was wrong - and he also cancelled my order; not even talking about it with me; and punished my mother by sleeping on the couch.

 

[Ginlover]

For me there are three things I need to even consider giving them authority. If any of these are missing all three fail
I need to respect a guy
I need to trust a man
I need to feel safe

I also need to feel he respects me

The other things like humour, communication and aligned kinky fuckery then decide if it’s going to be a friendship, on going dynamic or a one off. But with out respect, trust and safety there is no way I’m going to sub to them or let them top me.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It was the one term I didn't explain further, because I didn't find a concise description I was content with.

I'm not even sure about the personality traits it ties in. I know narcissists are fairly terrible in this - everything is the fault of somebody else. But is it related to egoism? or maturity? or ...?

"Fun" childhood fact:

I once ordered something (offline) at a shop I intended to pay with my own money.
My father was also in the same club as the shop owner. So, the next time they met at a club event, the shop owner asked my father what I intended to do with what I have ordered, out of curiosity. My father declared that I hadn't ordered anything - because he would know about that. Well, the shop owner disagreed with him naturally. So my father called the shop owner a liar and worse. So, when he came home, he asked my mother about it and she confirmed that the shop owner was right. My father blamed my mother now that he had to call the shop owner and admit that he was wrong - and he also cancelled my order; not even talking about it with me; and punished my mother by sleeping on the couch.

Yeah, it’s the people who never fall over. It’s the world that gets misaligned.

To me it seems like a very immature and weak way of handling our insecure excistens, inner need for and outside pressure to have control.

 

[JamieJ424]

Make sure you find someone who is acting with your best interests in mind. If you’re planning on giving over control, that’s extremely important. A lot of alleged dominants will just want to boss you around. Avoid pushy mean types, and gravitate towards caretakers.

 

[Bramblethorn]

- Controlling communication. It's okay to have boundaries and set restrictions (like wanting a monogamous thingie and expecting the submissive to not engage with others in a sexual manner), but controlling the communication completely is a bad sign (unless you are applying for an actual "no rights" slave position). Controlling includes being required to inform the dominant.

Yes, and I think this generalises to any pattern of attempting to isolate you from other people in your life. Controlling communication is a major way abusive people do that, but there are others. I knew one person who claimed to be fine with her new partner's friends, but somehow any time her partner had planned to spend quality time with friends, she'd find some way to torpedo that. "Hey let's do a spontaneous date this weekend [when you were going to hang out with your friend]" sort of thing. I knew another who'd wait for his girlfriend to have some minor disagreement with her friends, and then encourage that to blow up as a way of driving a wedge between them.

Occasionally "cut that person out of your life" is good advice, but if a dominant or any other partner seems to be always on the side of "cut them out", that's a red flag.

- Extreme mood swings (and making you suffer due to them). Humans are not robots and allowed to have emotions, but in a dominant position you should be able to have at least a coping mechanism. It's okay to say:"I need to step back for a day or two to sort out my emotions." Hitting the wall out of anger is not (side note: a fairly American thing due to the flimsy walls - if your dominant smashes a hole into a German wall with his bare fist without requiring an ER visit, worship him as your new overlord).

One big warning sign here is when their moods are always your fault.

 

[Orchidea73]

Things to Look for in a Dominant…

Someone who does not say "I am a Dom."