What a stupid fool I've been. For the last 8 months, I've been trying to get over the worst hurt and betrayal I've ever experienced in my life, and hope to ever experience again. For those of you who don't know, quick recap....
January: Went to Utah to visit online friend/cyber partner. We had sex, after I made sure he was cool with it...twice. I get off plane, and find out he has told his wife, who was out of town by coincidence, that I made advances on him that he didn't accept.
I spent the next 7 months dealing with him getting my ISP account deleted, posting certain, um...questionable pics of me all over the net, and dealing with death threats. Seriosly. And it wasn't even that good.
Since then, I came to the realization a few weeks ago that I have, esentially, been the walking dead for that period of time. Someone with no interest in anything, who just went through the motions every day. I honestly believe I saw very little of what was going on around me, actually listened to very few conversations, and there are days that I can't really account for. All I hoped for was that when I went to bed I wouldn't have to wake up and face another day of pain and fighting.
Then I wondered what I'd missed. I have no way of going back and doing any of it over, but I regret every day I wasted, that was wasted for me by someone else. I hope he dies and rots in hell.
Last week I found out what I missed. A gentlemanly, gorgeous South American who had been in front of my face the whole damn time. Last night I finally was able to remember what it's like to be alive and to feel something again, other than pain and rage. That's not a feeling I'm likely to let myself forget any time soon.
Of course, I can't tell him that when the realization hit me I was quietly crying on his shoulder in the middle of a dance, or even explain it at all. Words do a piss poor job of trying to describe it. For 8 months, I've been dead to the world, and it all came back so fast...but now I'm afraid. Deathly afraid of having the same thing happen. I knew I wouldn't be the same when/if I ever got over it, but I had no idea it would feel like this.
January: Went to Utah to visit online friend/cyber partner. We had sex, after I made sure he was cool with it...twice. I get off plane, and find out he has told his wife, who was out of town by coincidence, that I made advances on him that he didn't accept.
I spent the next 7 months dealing with him getting my ISP account deleted, posting certain, um...questionable pics of me all over the net, and dealing with death threats. Seriosly. And it wasn't even that good.
Since then, I came to the realization a few weeks ago that I have, esentially, been the walking dead for that period of time. Someone with no interest in anything, who just went through the motions every day. I honestly believe I saw very little of what was going on around me, actually listened to very few conversations, and there are days that I can't really account for. All I hoped for was that when I went to bed I wouldn't have to wake up and face another day of pain and fighting.
Then I wondered what I'd missed. I have no way of going back and doing any of it over, but I regret every day I wasted, that was wasted for me by someone else. I hope he dies and rots in hell.
Last week I found out what I missed. A gentlemanly, gorgeous South American who had been in front of my face the whole damn time. Last night I finally was able to remember what it's like to be alive and to feel something again, other than pain and rage. That's not a feeling I'm likely to let myself forget any time soon.
Of course, I can't tell him that when the realization hit me I was quietly crying on his shoulder in the middle of a dance, or even explain it at all. Words do a piss poor job of trying to describe it. For 8 months, I've been dead to the world, and it all came back so fast...but now I'm afraid. Deathly afraid of having the same thing happen. I knew I wouldn't be the same when/if I ever got over it, but I had no idea it would feel like this.
