The Worst Thing About Depression.

[Joe Wordsworth]

...is the death of the sex drive. So far, in my experience as the person involved with the person with depression, the slowing of the sexual metabolism to a crawl and absence is hard. It's harder than the rest of it.

This is a seemingly hopeless situation. I'm more or less waiting it out, because "help" doesn't appear to be desired and I /don't/ like the idea of pills.

 

[AchtungNight]

I will be dealing with this issue in an upcoming story, Joe. Thanks for the idea. Good luck getting out of your depression. The best solution I can give is to do a lot of what makes you happy until your depression is gone. For me, it's usually reading, writing, videogames, and seeing movies. Also practicing my martial arts skills on punching bags that I imagine are the things getting me down.

Pow! Take that, work!

Whap! Take that, ex!

Etc.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I will be dealing with this issue in an upcoming story, Joe. Thanks for the idea. Good luck getting out of your depression. The best solution I can give is to do a lot of what makes you happy until your depression is gone. For me, it's usually reading, writing, videogames, and seeing movies. Also practicing my martial arts skills on punching bags that I imagine are the things getting me down.

Pow! Take that, work!

Whap! Take that, ex!

Etc.

I'm not the depressed one in the relationship--but the thought counts, and thank you.

 

[AchtungNight]

I'm not the depressed one in the relationship--but the thought counts, and thank you.

Recommend it to the one who is depressed then. You're welcome.

 

[Guest]

I will be dealing with this issue in an upcoming story, Joe. Thanks for the idea. Good luck getting out of your depression. The best solution I can give is to do a lot of what makes you happy until your depression is gone. For me, it's usually reading, writing, videogames, and seeing movies. Also practicing my martial arts skills on punching bags that I imagine are the things getting me down.

Pow! Take that, work!

Whap! Take that, ex!

Etc.

True depression can't be "cured" by these measures, I'm afraid. This isn't just a bad mood, it's a serious condition.

Joe - how does your girl feel about taking drugs for this? I understand your position on it, but she is the one with depression, yes? Has she seen a qualified psych, MD, therapist yet?

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

True depression can't be "cured" by these measures, I'm afraid. This isn't just a bad mood, it's a serious condition.

Joe - how does your girl feel about taking drugs for this? I understand your position on it, but she is the one with depression, yes? Has she seen a qualified psych, MD, therapist yet?

Saw a counsellor (not an actual psychologist) and that wasn't very helpful, she said. Her opinion on medication, I think, is that its cost-prohibitive... I, myself, don't really think so.

I think the current attempt is a non-pill approach. And if I were around more, I feel I could do more about it. The little things, anyway, the stress factors of financial burden, time, etc... but, as is, I've been on the road for about ten months now--and its not been helping.

 

[Guest]

Saw a counsellor (not an actual psychologist) and that wasn't very helpful, she said. Her opinion on medication, I think, is that its cost-prohibitive... I, myself, don't really think so.

I think the current attempt is a non-pill approach. And if I were around more, I feel I could do more about it. The little things, anyway, the stress factors of financial burden, time, etc... but, as is, I've been on the road for about ten months now--and its not been helping.

I'm so sorry.

She should see a true psych, don't you think? Does she have family close by to help her with those issues?

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

She should see a psychiatrist, which is an MD, and is the proper authority to have opinions about drugs. The basic generic prozac is very inexpensive. One downside is that it can suppress libido. Something like Welbutrin is in a different family of drugs, has less or no effect on libido, but is much more expensive because it is too early for generics. Sometimes they prescribe both.

If someone can benefit from anti-depressants it is very foolish to turn them away for merely "aesthetic" reasons. They can be the difference between a life worth living (for both partners), and one that is not worth living. This puts considerations like expense and libido in perspective.

 

[sophia jane]

I'm sorry but I'd have to disagree that loss of sex drive is the hardest part of depression. Maybe it's more difficult in your situation, or for people involved in a sexual relationship, but I have to say that lack of sex drive (or sex) hardly even compares to the other difficulties I face on a daily basis as I live with my depression.

 

[jushorny]

...is the death of the sex drive. So far, in my experience as the person involved with the person with depression, the slowing of the sexual metabolism to a crawl and absence is hard. It's harder than the rest of it.

This is a seemingly hopeless situation. I'm more or less waiting it out, because "help" doesn't appear to be desired and I /don't/ like the idea of pills.

Joe, we don't know each other, but do you realize this comes across as being more concerned about yourself than the one living with depression?

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I'm so sorry.

She should see a true psych, don't you think? Does she have family close by to help her with those issues?

No.

Regrettably no.

Off at college, not much in the way of family around--several friends, though, and I'm sure that helps some. But, the last couple of months have been difficult. I didn't know about the depression until maybe a week or two ago, she was afraid to tell me--she knows my general proclivities about people weakly blaming their failings on convenient "disorders" (for some, learning psychology formally gives them a great appreciation for disorders; for others, it illustrates how often people lay the blame for their failings at the altar of Convenient Excuses).

She knows me. As such, it led her to keep it quiet. Which... well, I can't really blame her for doing that. I'm not known to be a tolerant man--rational and accurate, yes--but not terribly tolerant. So, it went on for a while and I honestly thought we were having relationship problems.

Keep in mind, we've been for each other for almost eight years--in one form or another--so we've been through problematic times and whatnot. I figured we were just having one of those times when there's just a problem and I don't know what it is (those happen to everyone).

I find out, then, that its a depression. It's been going on for better than a month. And my being away as often as I am (I see her, maybe, once a week for about a day) on business is definitely exacerbating the whole thing.

I wish I could just be there for her, and I'm working on it... but I can't just quit my job.

 

[ElizabethWest]

I'm sorry but I'd have to disagree that loss of sex drive is the hardest part of depression. Maybe it's more difficult in your situation, or for people involved in a sexual relationship, but I have to say that lack of sex drive (or sex) hardly even compares to the other difficulties I face on a daily basis as I live with my depression.

*sigh*

I could live with no sex drive if I could quit crying long enough to get out of the bed each morning. Loss of ALL function is much worse than just lost of sexual function.

At least for me...

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

I'm sorry but I'd have to disagree that loss of sex drive is the hardest part of depression. Maybe it's more difficult in your situation, or for people involved in a sexual relationship, but I have to say that lack of sex drive (or sex) hardly even compares to the other difficulties I face on a daily basis as I live with my depression.

As the not-depressed one, with no experiences with depression... the total cessasion of all physical intimacy in a relationship ripe with that expression of love--that's the hardest part. Its the most drastic change to the day-to-day life of the relationship, for me. Imagine a two people share that classic "lovey-duvy"/can't-keep-their-hands-off-each-other/attraction-and-love experience for so very long. And in a short time, it drops to a place where physical closeness is uncomfortable for one, where sexual intimacy feels burdensome and makes one feel worse about their world.

Hardest part is just the best way for me to describe it.

Joe, we don't know each other, but do you realize this comes across as being more concerned about yourself than the one living with depression?

I do.

 

[Guest]

No.

Regrettably no.

Off at college, not much in the way of family around--several friends, though, and I'm sure that helps some. But, the last couple of months have been difficult. I didn't know about the depression until maybe a week or two ago, she was afraid to tell me--she knows my general proclivities about people weakly blaming their failings on convenient "disorders" (for some, learning psychology formally gives them a great appreciation for disorders; for others, it illustrates how often people lay the blame for their failings at the altar of Convenient Excuses).

She knows me. As such, it led her to keep it quiet. Which... well, I can't really blame her for doing that. I'm not known to be a tolerant man--rational and accurate, yes--but not terribly tolerant. So, it went on for a while and I honestly thought we were having relationship problems.

Keep in mind, we've been for each other for almost eight years--in one form or another--so we've been through problematic times and whatnot. I figured we were just having one of those times when there's just a problem and I don't know what it is (those happen to everyone).

I find out, then, that its a depression. It's been going on for better than a month. And my being away as often as I am (I see her, maybe, once a week for about a day) on business is definitely exacerbating the whole thing.

I wish I could just be there for her, and I'm working on it... but I can't just quit my job.

Does she have student insurance, then?

She should begin with the help the school has to offer and then take their referral to a psychiatrist. What about a roommate - a classmate? Surely there is someone else who could ensure she is seen by a professional.

 

[Noor]

The loss of sex drive is not the worse part of depression from my point of view, the worse part is losing someone I care about to a horrible place and there isn't a damn thing I can do to help them.

 

[jushorny]

No, the hardest part about depression, when it is the other person who is going through depression, is feeling so helpless in the ability to help them through depression.

We can all live without sex, we can even live without the physical touching, cuddling, hugging if necessary. But to be someone who wants to help and cannot find anything that will help, that to me is the hardest part.

 

[jushorny]

I do.

And do you think that is ok? That is the person you want to be?

 

[Noor]

No, the hardest part about depression, when it is the other person who is going through depression, is feeling so helpless in the ability to help them through depression.

We can all live without sex, we can even live without the physical touching, cuddling, hugging if necessary. But to be someone who wants to help and cannot find anything that will help, that to me is the hardest part.

You said it so much better than I!


Joe-doesn't your college have a counseling center?

 

[Roxanne Appleby]

Seeing a psychiatrist for depression is a fairly routine matter. They know what questions to ask, tests to perform, etc. It is not like the stereotype of years (decades) of talk-therapy sessions on the couch. Instead, it may well be one visit, you get a prescription, then you go back in a month or three months to report, and perhaps adjustments are made on the dosage, etc. The appointment costs around $100. The generic drugs can be had for like 25-cents a pill if you shop.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

And do you think that is ok?

Yes. Especially here, and especially how.

That is the person you want to be?

That is just the person I am. I'm disinclined to be apologetic for the things I feel... and if I find one part of the ordeal to be harder to deal with than another? So be it.

We can mention the emotional distress, and how that's more difficult--but imposing your view of what is righteous to be distessed by and not (or anyone elses) is ill-fitting. What you can handle less well than I may become evident, but not for a minute should it be thought nobler or someone better.

I can handle the times she can't say "I love you"--because I understand why and I can assume very easily she does as she still says it during good days. I can handle the times she's tired and wants to be alone, because I can let her sleep and I can go away. I can handle the times she wants to cry because I'm allowed to be a part of that.

I find the hardest part to be our sex-life vanishing, first in stages and then altogether... and there's not a goddamn thing wrong with that. Because some find the emotional distress crippling doesn't mean everyone who deals with a loved one's depression is so overwhelmed by it. Some of us can handle it. Some of us can cope and encourage those things.

Some of us, though, the hardest part is when physical intimacy--when its such an important language prior to the depression--going away... because it leaves us unable to communicate as we once could.

If you're being stricly curious, then this is information. If you're being judgemental, you can shove it.

 

[SeaCat]

Hey Joe,

You have some big balls dude, I admit and admire that.

We've had our little disagreements here and agreed to disagree on some things. That's fine.

Your posting this though, it shows something that many here probably wouldn't expect. Yes you posted it in an odd way, but I can read between the lines. (As I am sure many others here.)

Stay with her dude, stay with her and try to get her to a true Psych. (An M.D. and not a Social Worker.) Okay so the meds may cost a bit, and yes they will most likely prescribe meds. The cost is nothing compared to the quality of her life and yours. If you have to, help her. (If she is anything like you she will resist your financial help, so find another way to help her. Be sneaky damnit.)

The depression can be worked with and in many cases alleviated. The side effects of the Depression and the Meds can be controlled.

Clinical depression is not a joke, as I'm sure you know. It can however be treated.

Take care guy and let us know how it works out.

Cat

 

[jushorny]

Yes. Especially here, and especially how.


That is just the person I am. I'm disinclined to be apologetic for the things I feel... and if I find one part of the ordeal to be harder to deal with than another? So be it.

We can mention the emotional distress, and how that's more difficult--but imposing your view of what is righteous to be distessed by and not (or anyone elses) is ill-fitting. What you can handle less well than I may become evident, but not for a minute should it be thought nobler or someone better.

I can handle the times she can't say "I love you"--because I understand why and I can assume very easily she does as she still says it during good days. I can handle the times she's tired and wants to be alone, because I can let her sleep and I can go away. I can handle the times she wants to cry because I'm allowed to be a part of that.

I find the hardest part to be our sex-life vanishing, first in stages and then altogether... and there's not a goddamn thing wrong with that. Because some find the emotional distress crippling doesn't mean everyone who deals with a loved one's depression is so overwhelmed by it. Some of us can handle it. Some of us can cope and encourage those things.

Some of us, though, the hardest part is when physical intimacy--when its such an important language prior to the depression--going away... because it leaves us unable to communicate as we once could.

If you're being stricly curious, then this is information. If you're being judgemental, you can shove it.

Joe,

I don’t mean to be judgemental, although I agree, my post might come across that way. I agree you should not be apologetic for the way you feel. It’s just as important to discuss the feelings of one in love with someone going through depression as it is to discuss the feelings of the one depressed.

I do not feel more noble about what I can handle vs what you can handle, far from it.

I think, reading your last post, I better understand where you are coming from. I understand, the one very important part of communication is closing. I can understand it hurts. Can you, though, understand that the lack of physical intimacy could be tearing her apart as much or more than it is you.

Can you understand that she doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t understand why she feels as she does. Can you say to yourself, not to us, you have and will do whatever it takes to help her through this in a non-selfish way.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Hey Joe,

You have some big balls dude, I admit and admire that.

We've had our little disagreements here and agreed to disagree on some things. That's fine.

Your posting this though, it shows something that many here probably wouldn't expect. Yes you posted it in an odd way, but I can read between the lines. (As I am sure many others here.)

Stay with her dude, stay with her and try to get her to a true Psych. (An M.D. and not a Social Worker.) Okay so the meds may cost a bit, and yes they will most likely prescribe meds. The cost is nothing compared to the quality of her life and yours. If you have to, help her. (If she is anything like you she will resist your financial help, so find another way to help her. Be sneaky damnit.)

The depression can be worked with and in many cases alleviated. The side effects of the Depression and the Meds can be controlled.

Clinical depression is not a joke, as I'm sure you know. It can however be treated.

Take care guy and let us know how it works out.

Cat

She is much like me, in some ways. Helping her is not well recieved--I think she doesn't like to feel needful. I'm sticking it out. We're sticking it out. I've been looking for a job that keeps me at home with her. None around the area pay as much as I make now, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. There are things more important than money.

Joe,

I don’t mean to be judgemental, although I agree, my post might come across that way. I agree you should not be apologetic for the way you feel. It’s just as important to discuss the feelings of one in love with someone going through depression as it is to discuss the feelings of the one depressed.

I do not feel more noble about what I can handle vs what you can handle, far from it.

I think, reading your last post, I better understand where you are coming from. I understand, the one very important part of communication is closing. I can understand it hurts. Can you, though, understand that the lack of physical intimacy could be tearing her apart as much or more than it is you.

Can you understand that she doesn’t know what to do, doesn’t understand why she feels as she does. Can you say to yourself, not to us, you have and will do whatever it takes to help her through this in a non-selfish way.

I'm sure its killing her. I know my being not-around is hard enough. But as for what I'll do...? She's My Girl. Always has been.

 

[Joe Wordsworth]

Incidentally... I don't mean to snap. But I , contrary to what may be thought of me and how or what I think or what I'm like personally, I do have feelings... there are things I do care about.

This is an uncommon post for me, I don't really "emote" often.

 

[SeaCat]

She is much like me, in some ways. Helping her is not well recieved--I think she doesn't like to feel needful. I'm sticking it out. We're sticking it out. I've been looking for a job that keeps me at home with her. None around the area pay as much as I make now, but I'm willing to make the sacrifice. There are things more important than money.


I'm sure its killing her. I know my being not-around is hard enough. But as for what I'll do...? She's My Girl. Always has been.

Joe,

The two of you sound much like me. We all just come from different backgrounds. I think the two of us will always disagree on some things, and that is normal, but on this one thing we agree. You are willing to stand by her, you are willing to make sacrifices for her. That to me is the important thing. Stick with her and help her as much as you can, and as much as she allows.

As for being emotional. There is no shame in it. You care for her and that is what is important.

Cat