The worst ever sex story ever written ever

[Exquisition]

Been reading a thread on the personals forum that's had me in stitches as it's morphed into an impromotu sex story that's guaranteed to make you chuckle & do anything but get you off.

Here's an example: "He means Private Message Role Play: ie sending each other rude notes eg "I slip my hand between your thighs as I chew harder on your earlobe" and then you reply "I wished he'd leave my ear alone but his hand threatened to reveal how turned on I had become, how wet my sex..."

Got me thinking - what the worst sex story ever written must be and then, why can't we create one for posterity?

Anyone fancy joining in?

I'll kick it off.

"Gertrude's tits bounced frenetically as she ran down the stairs in an expectant fashion..."

 

[Quoll]

"Gertrude's tits bounced frenetically as she ran down the stairs in an expectant fashion..."

...thinking to herself that there was little that was erotic about ill fitting maternity wear.

 

[Exquisition]

..suddenly realised her large skirts were tucked into her panties at the back. "This won't do" she said, as she delicately extracted the offending cloth from her well-rounded buttocks.

The persistence of the doorbell reminded her of a doting admirer she once knew.

 

[silverwhisper]

sheesh, guys, you've gone this many posts and nobody's mentioned gertrude's bra size in excruciating detail? shame, shame!

my turn: i call this one adverb abuse



gertrude's eye-poppingly 38e breasts continued to bounce painfully, wobblingly, as if just enthusiastically motorboated by a pack of especially hormonal teens.

 

[Exquisition]

...she had to admit to herself in a knowing fashion that she was getting a little excited 'down there.'

 

[Exquisition]

The doorbell, that had pealed so respectfully to begin with was now doing an impression of a garage beat on steroids. "My" she said to herself "I wonder who it could be at this late hour?"

She bounded towards the door with not a little excitement.

 

[foxtrot72]

As she reached the door, she realised she was breathing a little heavily and her face was a bit flushed. She thought to herself "Oh god, whoever is there is going to think I've been being naughty." She peered through the peep-hole to see...

 

[Exquisition]

Stan.

He had the air of a stalker and eyes full of lust.

Getrude bit her lip, "What could he want?" she mused, apprehensively while smoothing her maternity dress in a seductive manner...

 

[Quoll]

Stan.
Stan the Man.
Stan the Man with the gigantic gland.
Stan was supremely confident of his sexual allure, he had a big dick.

 

[Exquisition]

She'd been warned about Stan the man by the other bar girls at the Shrimp & Turkey where she worked.

With a knowing glint in their eye, they'd regaled her with stories of Stan's prowess.

Stan was dangerous. Stan was a charmer. He was exactly the sort of man mothers warned their daughters about and now, here he was at her front door.

Tentatively, she raised her arm to the latch.

 

[Quoll]

Breathlessly she opened the door, one hand cradling her impatient breasts, the other just below her swollen belly. Gertrude gasped*, was that her wetness making an unscheduled journey down her inner thighs?

Stan puffed out his chest, his Armani lookalike suit shining brightly in the dim light. "Gertrude" he wheezed, in his most seductive manner, "Have you ever thought about making some extra money?
What I want to do is go through some basic concepts about my business. This will take about 20 minutes. If you like what you see and want more information, we'll go from there. If not, let me know; I don't want to waste your time or mine. I'm not looking for any money, or commitments. I'm not trying to sell anything, or sign you up for anything. What I am here to do is give you a business overview. I don't have time to go into detail and answer a lot of questions. This is the first part of a 3-part process for receiving all of the information you'll need to make a quality business decision. Is that OK with you?"

"A little about my background. I've been working at the abattoir for 5 years doing boning, I realized that boning isn't going to get me what I want in life. Also, there's not any loyalty or security in the corporate world anymore. So I started looking for ways to diversify my income, and have something to fall back on. May I come in so we can discuss it?"


*No connection implied or otherwise with 50 Shades of Grey.

 

[Ropebunny]

"Uh..." Gertrude stammered.

She didn't know what to make of Stan in a suit, talking about business concepts and the corporate world. The last time she had seen him was when Sheila, her shifty boss down at the Shrimp & Turkey, had sent her to the abattoir to pick up a hog head for their "Baron's Banquet" medieval themed night.

She remembered the sight of him thrusting his cleaver down, severing the legs off the bodies of lambs and spraying blood and bone fragments onto his greasy, stained apron. How powerful he had looked.

But this new Stan in front of her seemed powerful too...

 

[Quoll]

"Am way out of my league here" thought Gerty, "this is not the sort of proposal I had in mind."
What Gerty didn't understand about Stan, was that he suffered from Big Dick Small Mind syndrome, the belief that the size of his ham-hock was directly proportional to his prowess betwixt the nethers, when the sad truth was quite sad but true.

 

[glynndah]

She eagerly beckoned him inside, admiring his new business attire. She accepted the box he offered and opened it.

"Anchovies!?!?!?!?!"

 

[Quoll]

She eagerly beckoned him inside, admiring his new business attire. She accepted the box he offered and opened it.

"Anchovies!?!?!?!?!"

You're a sick sick woman.

 

[Quoll]

She eagerly beckoned him inside, admiring his new business attire. She accepted the box he offered and opened it.

"Anchovies!?!?!?!?!"

For a moment Gerty flashed back to that torrid night with Sheila, "Goodness where did that thought come from?" she mused.

 

[Dalika5]

the thought of her and Shelia started to get her excited, only then did she remember how much she'd loved that night, the temperature had been perfect and the sky was clear the entire night. "My so beautiful" she muttered to herself in front of the confused Stan

 

[Exquisition]

With a jolt Gertrude realised that the anchovies had acted as an impromptu prompt.

Like some psychologist's cheap word association game, Gert had put the warm, hazy temperature from her night with Sheila, Sheila's ripe pussy and the anchovies all in the same mind warping bracket.

Her sex starved pussy began to moisten in familiar fashion.

Stan may be a man; a man embroiled in some kind of pyramid selling scheme. BUT she was ALL woman. And a very large, heavily pregnant one at that. A heavily pregnant woman with needs.

"Is that suit Armani?" she whispered huskily.

 

[Exquisition]

....threesome he'd had with Tan and Chiang.

His buttock muscles tightened and clenched at the memory of being ploughed and furrowed by them both one after the other and later, when he'd been the human spit-roast in a Thai sandwich.

Gertrude tried to read Stan's face as he seemed momentarily distracted; Stan's lips had pursed into a silent "O" for some reason she couldn't fathom. His left eyebrow had risen significantly and he had the air of someone far off.

"I like a man in Armani. It shows style and taste. I guess you'd better come in."

Gerty held the door open for him and Stan....

 

[Ropebunny]

"....come in". Stan's attention snapped back to Gertrude.

She was leaning with her back against the hallway wall, one leg bent with her the sole of her foot also against the wall. Her ripe belly made this position precarious, but she was managing to stay upright.

This was going swimmingly, Stan thought. He would get inside... right inside, do his thing and make her have her thing then. Then, while she's in a post-orgasmic haze he would quietly slip the papers under her nose while promising more of the same treatment next week. He aimed to be out before Sheila took the route by Gerty's house to walk her two rottweilers. Those dogs seemed to smell the seedy on him, and he knew that Sheila's patience with his philandering ways was growing thin...

 

[Exquisition]

As Stan passed over the threshold he took Gertrude's form in with an expert's appraising eye.

He'd always had a thing for pregnant women and this lascivious woman, doing her best to balance on one foot, was fat with child.

A vision of a cow with big swollen udders ripe for milking came to him. All teets and tail-swishing ass.

Her loose fitting smock and fluffy pink slippers somehow adding a frissance to the whole.

Stan...

 

[Exquisition]

[OOC: he bumped the thread with the promise of the erotic]....

 

[MsQuote]

As Stan passed over the threshold he took Gertrude's form in with an expert's appraising eye.

He'd always had a thing for pregnant women and this lascivious woman, doing her best to balance on one foot, was fat with child.

A vision of a cow with big swollen udders ripe for milking came to him. All teets and tail-swishing ass.

Her loose fitting smock and fluffy pink slippers somehow adding a frissance to the whole.

Stan...

... walked up to Gertrude unashamedly rubbing his cock, and said, "Well, what are you doing just standing there? Show me your tits, woman."

 

[Noor]

... walked up to Gertrude unashamedly rubbing his cock, and said, "Well, what are you doing just standing there? Show me your tits, woman."

Gert's desire dropped like a lead balloon to the floor. "Oh no" she moaned "another one of those wankers from lit"

 

[MsQuote]

Gert's desire dropped like a lead balloon to the floor. "Oh no" she moaned "another one of those wankers from lit"

"Oh, I'm not just any wanker," Stan said, pressing Gert against the wall and holding her hands above her head. "I'm a virgin wanker. I've been saving myself for a woman just like you."