The Witch & The Incubus - NonHuman (BDSM Elements) - 8 Chapters

[MichaelStJohn]

Hello,

I just finished my first multi-part story on Literotica and was hoping to get some feedback. The ratings on these stories are quite high (6 out of 8 are hot), but that doesn't tell me how to improve. If someone is willing to read and give feedback, I'm willing to read and give feedback on their series in exchange.

EDIT: Almost forgot the link:
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3016429&page=submissions

 

[lovecraft68]

People here tend to not want to bother searching so here is a link to the stories the OP is asking for feedback on.

https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3016429&page=submissions

BDSM/Non human...interesting mix, gives me Brian Lumley Necroscope vibes. Damn Wamphyrie

 

[lovecraft68]

EDIT: Almost forgot the link:
https://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=3016429&page=submissions

Oops,...crossover

 

[MichaelStJohn]

Oops,...crossover

LOL... Yep. I read how it was supposed to be done but hit the submit button a little early. I *try* to do things the right way, but I'm also a little forgetful.

 

[AlinaX]

gives me Brian Lumley Necroscope vibes. Damn Wamphyrie

Loved that series...

 

[lovecraft68]

Loved that series...

The initial 5 books then the next Trilogy were insanely good

Unfortunately after those they kept beating a dead horse and no matter how many times the "last of the Wamphyrie were gone...oops there's more, time travel, other dimensions, every trope possible.

But damn those first two series...

 

[WinsomeWeb]

I read the first one, and I thought it was very well done. I have some notes, but they’re minor details about overall style. On the storytelling, I thought you did a good job. It’s very common to read stories where people get sucked into backstory very early and just vomit exposition, but I thought you did a great job of establishing a scene and building coherently from there. The sex scenes also worked for me, and I think you did a very good job with them—a great mix of description, action, and feeling.

I’ll limit my comments (mostly) to the first page, in the interest of time, but I personally found the weakest part of the overall story to be the dialogue, which struck me as sometimes stilted. I found this especially the case when Layla was talking to herself.

Layla Sergeant hovered over a beat up, second-hand coffee table strewn with bills and pay stubs. "Where did I go wrong?" she muttered to herself, as she examined the prices for courses she wanted to take this spring semester. She stared at her laptop spreadsheet, listing the pay from three part-time jobs, the cost of her studio apartment, electric bill, insurance bill, and numerous other expenses.

Her mutterings in the first paragraph, for example, are pretty heavy-handed. I can only speak from personal experience, but this is the kind of thing I wouldn’t expect someone to say in real life, but on a television show. If you remove the “Where did I go wrong?” does it change anything about the story? I would argue no—or at least, not in a negative way. Through the narration, we still see the bills and the spreadsheet and understand that she’s struggling to make ends meet. Perhaps the only thing that changes is our first impression of this character, who, frankly, strikes me as a little bit whiny.

To be sure, poverty is a very real problem, and having people who are impoverished complaining about that very real and legitimate issue is not inherently whiny, but when it’s the first thing out of a character’s mouth, with very little pre-established context? To me, yeah, it’s little ‘woe is me’. (Of course, making a character be whiny is also not inherently wrong, but it doesn’t strike me as intentional in this case, as she doesn’t seem consistently whiny throughout the story, nor is she shown to improve that part of her.)

I think you did a good job further developing Layla’s backstory in the next few paragraphs, and it’s very easy to quickly understand that she has faced some difficult personal issues in her life—especially for a young person—and so I didn’t read the story thinking she actually was whiny, but I just wanted to mention it because these kinds of mutterings occur throughout the early parts of the story, and I don’t think they improve it as a whole. If anything I think leaving them out would strengthen your work, giving the character’s internal dialogue a chance to churn, and give you a chance to better characterize her in other ways; else, by leaving those personal asides in, they become statements that are obvious to the reader and therefore which serve no real narrative purpose.

In a similar way, the dialogue between characters strikes me as a little hollow sometimes. As an example:

"Good girl," Ms. Caine said. She unlocked the door and immediately took off the pendant as they walked inside.

"It's not like I'll be on campus to talk about what I saw..." Layla muttered behind Ms. Caine.

"Why's that?"

"You heard me?"

"I hear everything, child," Ms. Caine said with a smile. She stepped around the front desk and took Layla's books from her.

"I'm, uh, dropping out. I don't have enough money to go to school and eat. I might not have enough money for car insurance this month, either." Layla bit her lip and shifted between her feet. " I'm sorry Ms. Caine. I don't mean to lay this all on you, it's just the only thing I can think of right now."

It’s not necessarily bad, it’s just a little too on the nose. In this one particular case, I might describe this dialogue as sounding less like people talking, and more like actors plowing through their lines, just focusing on getting to the meat of the matter.

I’d like to talk about this paragraph too:

She knew from her previous experiences with the occult that summoned spirits didn't manifest physically. She knew that magic ritual was a process through which the practitioner reached alternate states of consciousness while sending a symbolic message to their higher consciousness. She knew that most descriptions in grimoires were figurative and not literal. And so, when she saw that the spell called for thirteen black candles, she knew that the white candles she already owned would work fine. When she saw that the spell called for a silver chalice filled with six hundred and sixty six drops of her own blood, her squeamishness got the better of her and she decided that a chalice filled with the cheap red wine she had on hand would be okay. When she saw that the ritual called for chanting in a language she didn't look familiar, she figured it was glossolalia meant to drop her further into an altered state of consciousness and didn't consider what those words might actually mean. Then there was the 'sacrifice;' her orgasm to occur at the time of the final invocation.

I think this is a really interesting paragraph, because it’s kind of a combination of great exposition and not-so-great exposition. The first three sentences (beginning with ‘she knew’) are kind of not-so-great. They’re very direct, just straight up telling the reader what the character knows (i.e., how magic works and what it is), and while I earnestly believe there’s nothing wrong with telling, I think the information here could have been conveyed in a more artful and engaging way than it was.

But at the same time, I loved the way you showed the reader this character’s level of experience with the occult without ever having to come out and say “she’d spent three years doing occasional witchcraft”, or something equally lazy that I, an idiot, would have done. There’s talk earlier in the story that she “used to be a Goth girl” and had dabbled in the occult (and later we learn she might not know as much as she thinks she does), but I love the demonstration of her experience here when she knows that the candles don’t have to be black, and wine will work in place of her blood. I think that’s just a perfect demonstration of showing instead of telling when it comes to exposition.

The only other thing that I’ll mention (and this doesn’t happen on the first page) is that a couple of times you slipped out of your third person limited point of view. The story follows Layla for like 98% of the time, but there are two paragraphs elsewhere in the story where the point of view temporarily slips into the mind of Caliban (or maybe the second time is Lilith, or just an omniscient narrator, I can’t remember exactly), and in doing so reveals his thoughts and feelings in place of Layla’s. Not disastrous, but just something I thought I should mention, as it can take me out of a story to suddenly be in someone else’s head when the entire rest of the story has been a limited point of view.

But that’s about it. Overall, I think it’s very strong. The sex scenes were very good, and everything I pointed out above is so minor that it’s not even really worth changing; just things to keep in mind for next time. I look forward to reading the rest of the series when I get a chance.

 

[MichaelStJohn]

I read the first one, and I thought it was very well done. I have some notes, but they’re minor details about overall style. On the storytelling, I thought you did a good job. It’s very common to read stories where people get sucked into backstory very early and just vomit exposition, but I thought you did a great job of establishing a scene and building coherently from there. The sex scenes also worked for me, and I think you did a very good job with them—a great mix of description, action, and feeling...

I'm not going to go over every single point you made but, goddamn, this is great feedback and I really appreciate it. I'm kicking myself over where I slipped out of Layla's head, and I hope that my dialog got better in the later chapters. I've written for a long time but never actually completed anything until now, so I feel pretty good about what you've told me.

Thank you!