The usual plea for feedback

[da_cats_pjs]

Yes, this is your typical first time authors nervous plea for feedback coupled with some need for advice.

First the link to the story...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47311

(If that doesn't work, the title is the challenge)

Now, after you read it and help out there, I need you to go one step further. (I know such demands from the newbie!) This is the issue, I know the dreaded curse of the first person, but as you have read there was no way really not to write the story in any other voice. However, that said, in writing part 2 of it I am having a hell of a time with the voice. Staying in the first person is causing a huge drop in quality between the 2 parts of the story. Would it be too confusing to switch part 2 to the perspective of the other character? Should I switch back and forth?

Granted this is a hard question to ask if you don;t have an example of wahts going on in the second story, but I think the first part gives a good indication of the corner I painted myself into.. drat!

 

[SexyChele]

Welcome to the world of writing! I hope this story is the first of many for you.

Now, you must realize that I'm only an amateur, too, so whatever feedback I give is strictly my own thoughts.

First, I like the premise of the story. I've always thought mutual masturbation was such an erotic theme, and thought you approached the subject with a spirited and playful attitude. I liked that very much! And, I'm anxious to see what awaits in part 2!

The only thing that really stuck out at me while reading your story was a little difficulty in the sentence structure. In some instances, I had to go back over a sentence a couple of times to understand what I was reading. I did get the idea, but I think some of the sentence structures were awkward. But, hey! That's something easily improved upon!

What am I talking about, right? Okay, I've got a couple of examples. (Remember - my own opinion here, others may disagree with me)

1. From the story: "My lust for you mixing with the lust I feel for my own pleasure the two bordering in the edge of carnal." This sentence needs some new words, plus a comma or to.

My suggestion: "My lust for you, mixing with the need I feel for my own pleasure, is bording on the edge of carnal." (I'm not exactly certain what you meant by the use of the word "carnal" here, so I left it in.)

2. From the story: "They push against that tight forbidden hol the pressure of it giving me naughty thrill."

My rewrite: "My fingers push against that tight forbidden hole, giving me a naughty thrill."

3. Lastly, from the story: "I hear your groans as you finally allow yourself to cum you[r] body filled with your orgasm and triumph."

To: "I hear your groans as you finally allow yourself to cum, your body filled with your pleasure and triumph."

There was one other part that drew my attention from the story itself, and that was:

"I can feel it [the clit] harden and pulse beneath my folds. It demands pleasure, drawing my fingers to it like a magnet, urging me to plunge inside my folds, to uncover and play with it. I resist its siren call and take its punishment feeling its throb turn to a dull ache."

I was really getting caught up in the "it" part. Yes, in the first line it is easy to relate that "it" is the clit. But for the subsequent sentences, it would have been nice to have another word or two substituted for "it". Words like, oh, "nub" or "pearl" if you do not wish to reuse "clit". Again, just makes the piece flow more smoothly.

These things are the stuff that editing captures - if you're lucky! A piece of good advice I heard here (sorry, can't credit the person, so if you read this, please tell us who you are again!) is to read the story out loud into a tape recorder. It does sound a bit ridiculous, I know. And not something you are most likely to do around other people. But I tried this on the latest story I'm working on, and I'm finding it really helps! Well, despite the fact I don't like the sound of my voice, this idea helps me to "hear" what the reader is going to pick up. I highly recommend it!


Now, onto your other dilemma! Actually, this story is not in 1st person, but 2nd person. And it's in present tense. These two compound the difficulty you are experiencing. I'm confused as to why you think the voice needs to be changed. The action will be happening to the female (I presume?), so she would be considered the protagonist and, therefore, the story will be in her voice. Unless you have something else planned.

A simple way to change the voice, if you feel the need to, it to incorporate the change in the title. You did not give either of your characters any names, but the title could read something like - "The Challenge - His Story". Bad example, I know, but hopefully you get the idea.

Quite frankly, if it were me, I would change both voice and tense. But then, I prefer 3rd person, past tense and this is your story. But changing is possible, yes. The stories sitting side by side might seem a liitle awkward, so you have to decide what it is that is more important to you as the creator.

Good luck to you, and hope to see more submissions from you!

 

[medjay]

Honestly, I usually cringe when I see stories in either present tense or 2nd person, but I found that your story was actually rather involving and quite sexy.

I won't rehash much of what SexyChele posted; it was all very good advice. I will say that the dialogue needs work. Reading the story out loud to yourself is an excellent idea.

And remember: people seldomly speak proper english in conversation. We use conjunctions, run-ons, slang and a slew of other things that would make an Engligh teacher scream. The fact is all of that is perfectly acceptable when writing dialogue.

You don't want your characters coming off sounding stiffer than a bunch of lawyers or politicians in front of an assembly.

Also, it would have been nice to include some discriptions of the man's actions. She was looking at him the whole time, yet he wasn't mentioned until the end. It's about mutual masturbation, don't forget to let the reader know what's happening with the other person.

As for your tense problems, I think the story would work just as well if you kept it strictly in the first person and present tense. Including the 2nd person angle makes it a little awkward.

That's all from me. Good luck with your future projects!

 

[da_cats_pjs]

Thank you both for your encouragement and advice. Your points are right on the money!

 

[ladyphoenix]

The Challenge

pj's,
Hi. Okay, here's my input:
First (and this may just be a pet peeve, I probably do it once in a while too, when I forget) your first line:
"The feeling of your eyes travelling my flesh takes me from my sleep"
I like the sentence, BUT: eyes do not travel. GAZES travel. Looks travel. Scrutiny travels. Eyes stay in the head. When I read a line that says "their eyes met" I get this picture of four eyeballs bumping into one another in the middle of a crowded room. "Their gazes met" is more apropriate.
Be careful of tense. If this is present tense, it should be "I register the devilish smirk PLAYING across your lips". Whenever possible, active is better; it makes the action more vibrant and interesting.
You definitely need some grammar editing. Examples: (corrections in [ ])
"Dare I ask what that look your [you're] giving me is all about?"
"I have a challenge for you, you game?" [I have a challenge for you. You game?]
Chuckling softly I reply [ , ] "Always! Bring it baby!"
"Okay here it is, we are going to have a staring contest. First one to look away looses...." ["Okay, here it is: We are going to have a staring contest. First one to look away loses....]

Okay, you get the picture. These are such small things, but could make a HUGE difference in the overall readability of the piece.

When they begin the challenge, she says "...my hands move to my breasts..." This would be better if you said, "I move my hands to my breasts..." indicating that it isn't just happening to her; she's doing each movement purposely.
I love the whole idea of this story, it's so ORIGINAL!! That's a huge feat in itself. The actual masturbation is well done, although again you have a lot of trouble moving from active to passive voice.
As far as the first person is concerned, it doesn't always work but you make it work VERY well here. I look forward to part two, and yes, by all means change the voice. Each piece is a story unto itself. Overall, very well done!!!! Thanks.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Re: The Challenge

[E]yes do not travel. GAZES travel. Looks travel.

"My gaze traveled up and down her so often it earned a first-class upgrade."

I've gotta work this line into a story somehow.

 

[damppanties]

Re: Re: The Challenge

"My gaze traveled up and down her so often it earned a first-class upgrade."


I've gotta work this line into a story somehow.

Ouch!! Tell me when its posted, the rest of the story might be fun.

-DP.

 

[ladyphoenix]

NCm Voyeur

Hey, I love that line! Let me know when the story comes out.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Short stuff

How about a little composition-on-the fly?


********************

"By the Tracks" by NCmVoyeur


"Billy-boy, let's go find us some honeys."

"Shee-oot, Rodney. You'z always talkin' up a big game," the man slouching next to him said before tipping the pint bottle back for another mouthful.

"I got me some moves. There's lots I ain't toll joo yet."

"Heh. Look itch you. You make that Arafat feller look good."

Rodney ran his hand over his graying stubble, making a mocking grin and touching his finger to his gum where his front tooth was missing.

"Wise ‘n disting'ished," he said smugly. "I can get 'em just with my eyes.'

"My ass looks better."

"Yes, sirree. Like ol' Betty Frommer. Worked with her at that shippin' place. She was somethin.' Big ol' curvy hips. I bet she rode her ol' man till he'z raw. A woman like her can hump. Sure thing, that is. Mmm, mmmmmmm."

"I treated her nice," Rodney continued. "Made her feel like a woman."

"Checked her out good, didge ya?" Billy chimed in, his interest piquing.

"Heh heh. You know it. My gaze traveled up ‘n down her so often it earned a first-class upgrade," he laughed, at first hoarsely, then softening. His look turned pensive.

"Justine," Billy said with a hint of delight.

"Yeah," Rodney answered with a smile, before a moment's silence. "Whudge you do with her anyway?"

"Put her in th' box."

"Give her to me," he commanded while starting to adjust his pants.

"Shee-oot, Rodney. Y' just did it last night."

"Yeah. But you got me thinkin' ag'in."

Billy put down the bottle and lifted up a loose board to the dilapidated garage that served as their backrest. He pulled out a rotting packing crate and lifted the cover. Reaching in, he pulled out a crumpled magazine and handed it to his friend.

"Justine, my honey," Rodney breathed, touching the worn page.

"Y' think Gloria might be at the shelter today?" Billy asked.

"Just give me a minute. We c'n go when I'm done."

"‘Course. She didn't smell so good last time," Billy said, draining the remainder from the bottle, then tossing it with practiced aim between the railroad tracks. "Yeah. Some honeys would be nice."

 

[damppanties]

hehehe

That was quite something!

-DP.

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Further adventures?

Thanks, Damp.

I was anticipating a groundswell of support for the sequel--'Billy and Rodney meet Gloria'--but, so far, it hasn't materialized.