The Things Done To Me Ch. 01

[MichaelStJohn]

New BDSM story by Me. I already have 11 chapters written, but the first just posted today. I'm willing to trade feedback with another author who is looking for feedback.

https://www.literotica.com/s/the-things-done-to-me-ch-01

 

[AlinaX]

Well written, but not really my thing. The interrobangs ?! are distracting...
... as was the pizza. What were the toppings? Nothing too spicy, I hope.

 

[MichaelStJohn]

I think the interrobangs are more of a stylistic choice, personally. My wife doesn't like the use of exclamation points altogether. When she writes, even dialog expressing surprise usually ends in a period.

Pizza. Damn it, I should have mentioned the toppings. I was thinking just pepperoni...

I appreciate your honest feedback. Is there anything of yours you would like me to read?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Good intro, does a nice job of setting the scene. A few minor things that could be improved:

Couple of proofreading/spelling issues: "taught"/"taut", "flog"/"flogger". No biggie.

He chuckled. "Seriously, though - I honestly don't care what you look like, and you can trust that I won't judge or pity you. I admit that I'm worried about you," his voice quivered. "A life-altering car crash and a divorce inside of three months is too much for one person to handle alone. It's killing me that we haven't spent time together since it all happened."

+

"It is; digital security is a lucrative and growing industry. My problem is that I'm still under the same contract that was offered when I initially got caught hacking Teleigence, and they had me over a barrel when I signed it.."

Most of the dialogue is good, but in these two spots it feels like you've inserted back-story exposition. Vince is spelling out things in a way that people don't usually do when they're talking to somebody who already knows all about it. Especially in the first of those two examples, when he's talking about stuff that's traumatic for her, most people would shy away from spelling it out.

A minimalist fix for the second example would look something like this:

"My problem is that I'm still under the same contract that was offered when I initially got caught"—hacking Teleigence, the company where he now worked—"and they had me over a barrel when I signed it."

Same info, but saves Vince doing the "as you know, Bob..."

"Penelope?" she smiled to herself. "We're just two girls named after mythical Greek women." She saw that the video upload date was 2013. "Let's see what you look like today."

She keyed in her name using her off-hand and searched to see what became of her. At first, she saw a list of other women that she could easily confirm were not the same 'Penelope Williams.' She clarified the results by adding 'Porn Actress' to the search. The first result was on Porn Actress Database. The actress's page read: Penelope Williamson, a.k.a. Penny Cox.

"She changed her stage name... " Persephone mused. "Okay, Ms. Penny Cox, what are you doing now?"

As before, she searched for Penny Cox as a porn actress, weeding out anyone else by that unfortunate name. She came upon a series of videos on Slut tube and opened the first one she saw.

My first thought was that this could be trimmed a bit:

"Penelope?" she smiled to herself. "We're just two girls named after mythical Greek women." She saw that the video upload date was 2013. "Let's see what you look like today."

It took her a few minutes of searching to find that Penelope Williamson was now working as Penny Cox. She came upon a series of videos on Slut tube and opened the first one she saw.

But without seeing how the story proceeds, I'm not sure whether trimming here is desirable. If you wanted to establish Persephone's smarts, that little bit of detail is a nice way to show it, and it should stay in. OTOH, if the detail's not serving a purpose, might be better to abridge it. You'll have to be the judge of that.

One other thing I might consider here is showing a bit more of the progression: instead of going straight from "forever 18" to serious BDSM, perhaps mention some of the in-between for her career? Especially if you intend for Persephone's story to be a gradual process, this is an opportunity to foreshadow that.

 

[AlinaX]

I think the interrobangs are more of a stylistic choice, personally. My wife doesn't like the use of exclamation points altogether. When she writes, even dialog expressing surprise usually ends in a period.

Pizza. Damn it, I should have mentioned the toppings. I was thinking just pepperoni...

I appreciate your honest feedback. Is there anything of yours you would like me to read?

No, but seriously, pussy + capsaicin sounds like a recipe for pain.

 

[MichaelStJohn]

No, but seriously, pussy + capsaicin sounds like a recipe for pain.

LOL!!! Okay - you have a point there.

 

[MichaelStJohn]

Good intro, does a nice job of setting the scene. A few minor things that could be improved:

Couple of proofreading/spelling issues: "taught"/"taut", "flog"/"flogger". No biggie.

Yeah - I saw a few similar mistakes after I had submitted it. But at that point, it had already been delayed once (returned due to concerns over fictional website URLs). I'll be more thorough with my second chapter.

Most of the dialogue is good, but in these two spots it feels like you've inserted back-story exposition. Vince is spelling out things in a way that people don't usually do when they're talking to somebody who already knows all about it. Especially in the first of those two examples, when he's talking about stuff that's traumatic for her, most people would shy away from spelling it out.

This is definitely something I need to work on. Thank you for pointing that out.

One other thing I might consider here is showing a bit more of the progression: instead of going straight from "forever 18" to serious BDSM, perhaps mention some of the in-between for her career? Especially if you intend for Persephone's story to be a gradual process, this is an opportunity to foreshadow that.

Fair enough... Do you think these changes are significant enough to warrant submitting an edited version?

 

[Bramblethorn]

Fair enough... Do you think these changes are significant enough to warrant submitting an edited version?

Stories get a lot of views in their first week while they're on the new list, and after that readership slows drastically, so by the time an edit goes through a large chunk of your potential readership will already have read the original version and may not see your changes.

So editing for the audience's sake is largely wasted effort, but if you're the kind of person who can't sleep at night knowing there's a typo out there, by all means do it for your own sake. One option is to save up edits until the story is complete, and then post a single edit, rather than potentially having to submit multiple edits if you find new issues or want to retcon stuff as you continue the story.

 

[Payne_Hall]

I liked this as a start, although I do tend to agree that the pizza part was distracting haha. Another thing was the use of all caps, but this might be a personal thing, as I’ve seen a lot of other authors use them for emphasis as well.

The part that stood out to me was her curiosity while watching the scene and the thoughts of “that’s wrong” since that’s a relatable form of attraction for most people (don’t touch a hot stove kind of idea). Also, the feeling of guilt after watching porn.

As for the proofreading, I think that’s already been addressed.

There was a lot going on in terms of potential fetishes, too, which is always promising for a series, in terms of later erotic focus possibilities.