"The Start of the Night"

[galen ubal]

Could some of you good (and naughty) folk take a look at "The Start of the Night" and tell me what you think? The numbers are helpful, but commentary would be better still.

Actually, I've got most of my stuff linked in my sig line - feel free to comment.

 

[OT]

"The Start of Night" falls into what I call the "fun rhyme" category.
(as opposed to say, something deep, profound, touching, etc)
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with fun rhymes, I write them too.

It's actually harder to pull off a good fun rhyme, since the form is less forgiving of minor flaws in meter, wording or rhyme.

Here are some points to ponder.

The first stanza was ok.

The second stanza is awkward. The repetition of "On the edge" in the second and fourth lines doesn't feel right to the ear. And low/closed aren't close enough to roll off the tongue unnoticed.

Third stanza: the repetition of the 1st and 3rd lines doesn't feel right. If the lines were more interesting or powerful, it could work.

"... muted tones" doesn't fit after all that jerking, swearing and shouting.


Another thing to try with a form such as this is to drop all/some of the punctuation; sort of a breathless effect:

Thrusting aching filling needing
Deep inside you to the core
Gasping moaning shaking willing
Legs around to pull in more

Hope this helps and was what you were looking for.
I'm not an expert, so take this with a grain-o-salt.

O.T.

my stuff

 

[galen ubal]

Thanks, OT.

A good point about the third stanza - I was getting too interested in keeping the number of syllables "right", rather than going for effect/emotion. I tend to think a little to analytically - that's more or less what I'm trying to avoid with this poetry.

 

[Rybka]

Could some of you good (and naughty) folk take a look at "The Start of the Night" and tell me what you think? The numbers are helpful, but commentary would be better still.

It is very difficult to write erotic poetry that does not use metaphors and phrases that over-mined. Your poem falls into that trap. You have a rhyme scheme down pat, but I learn nothing new from your work. - Please keep trying, just remember that you are writing in a very tired genre. Non-erotic poetry is much easier and I find, more satisfying.

Regards, Rybka

 

[galen ubal]

It is very difficult to write erotic poetry that does not use metaphors and phrases that over-mined. Your poem falls into that trap. You have a rhyme scheme down pat, but I learn nothing new from your work. - Please keep trying, just remember that you are writing in a very tired genre. Non-erotic poetry is much easier and I find, more satisfying.

Regards, Rybka

Non-erotic? Try out failure , then.

 

[Rybka]

Failure

Non-erotic? Try out failure , then.

G.U. you wrote:

Failure
by galen ubal ©

Dark eyes search mine,
Questioning and searching.
Quiet thoughts in mind,
Comforting and healing.

Pain in yours seen,
Darkening and flinching.
Fear eats, obscene,
Following and haunting.

My care for you
Undying, relying
On heart so true,
Accepting, not dying

You feel my gaze,
Pitying and helping.
You turn away,
Concealing the hurting.

Your faith turns sour,
Rejecting and leaving.
The pain has power,
Consuming and reaving.

In years to come,
Reflecting sad, hoping,
You’ve learned the sun,
Reborning and growing.

…and flying

You tend to over rely on gerund rhymes. Try dropping the "ing" rhymes in the second and fourth lines of the stanzas, making the rhyme and then adding the ending back if you have to do so. Also you strain to rhyme in several of the first and third lines. In the last stanza could you replace "sun" with "sum" for example?

What do you mean by "reaving", splitting or robbing?

If you wrote this poem long enough ago to be emotionally detached from it, then go back and read it as "a" poem, not "your" poem.

It has value, but it could be made even better.

Regards, Rybka