The single life

[TypicalDeviant]

Your marriage, as with any other relationship, will be as good as you make it.


Or as bad as you let it get.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I like beeing married. If I didn´t, I´d try to make it work and get out if I couldn´t.

 

[VelvetSin]

Your marriage, as with any other relationship, will be as good as you make it.


Or as bad as you let it get.

Best summary of the thread. I may steal that sometime.

 

[qrayze]

I'm 26 and about a year ago my marriage ended (thankfully) when my ex decided he would be happier with another woman.

When we were first married, it was wonderful marital bliss. Then I discovered how much about himself he faked while we were dating. I had a lot to accept about him after I discovered his past, but I loved him so I did it without question. I believe marriage should be a lasting relationship and he wasn't abusive, so I decided to blindly trust him for the sake of the relationship.

Trying my best to compromise, I started conforming to the lifestyle of this new personality I was married to. I ended up doing things that just were not me. I lost myself trying to please him and ended up getting depressed. I lost any energy to do anything but care for our child and it was evidenced by a messy house. I had thoughts about running away or dying because I felt at times that I just couldn't live like that.

After he left me, I had to start all over again trying to find out who I was, and having to deal with being single again. Since I have a child, the only freedom I gained was that I could sleep with anybody I wanted, lol, and since I was a virgin when I got married, I definitely took advantage of it. In the past year, I've had skilled lovers and some really bad ones.

The nsa sex was unfullfilling and the relationships were awful. If I didn't like sex so much, I might've considered a celebate single life. Instead, I decided to just not do relationships at all. If I wanted to fuck you, I would. End of story.

But the lack of intimacy was killing me.

My self-esteme went down the toilet as I realized that no guy wanted me for me. They just wanted to get their rocks off, not even caring about my pleasure.

I wanted to be loved, but I didn't want to risk the heartbreak that would inevitably follow.

I have met a man; he and I are in a relationship and we are in love. We both treasure honesty and fidelity, so we try to be candid with eachother. He is 45 and has never been married, and has told me that he's hated his single life because it's so lonely. He doesn't like coming home to an empty house, etc., but he refused to settle just to have a warm body to sleep next to.

He's told me he wants to marry me, but I'm thinking he has no idea what he's getting himself into.

If one goes into marriage thinking it's gonna be like a fairy tale, then the marriage will fail. It takes a lot of work from both parties to make a relationship successful.

In short, marriage is not for lazy people. Or for people who can't compromise and get along with others. If you can't get along with your parents, you aren't ready for marriage, because you will treat your spouse like you treat your parents.

oy...another long post...I think I'm done now, lol.

 

[sunandshadow]

It's frightening though, that there's stuff out there that people do that sucks everything which makes them interesting, and unique. And it sneaks up on you so subtly, then perniciously steals your life.

I don't really understand how someone could stop being interesting and unique, assuming they were in the first place. Being interesting is not about what you do, it's about what you think. If I spend a day cleaning my house, I am not less interesting on that day than on a day which I spend painting.

 

[tarah]

In my humble experience my marriage has been an incredible journey of selfless love, enduring commitment, and most importantly constant personal growth. At almost 16 years of marriage I still adore my wife. She inspires me to be a better person. Her tireless dedication to our marriage and family always leaves me humbled and wanting to be a better man.

Marriage, or any long term committed relationship, is a lot of work. Ours has not been an exception to the rule, and in many ways I think it has been more work than most. I firmly believe that my happiness in marriage is ultimately determined by what I put into the marriage; the effort I make to nurture both my wife and our relationship together. Every single time I have ever approached my wife and said "lets work on our marriage" she has rolled up her sleeves and put her shoulder to the stone. We've gone to a marriage counselor together and many marriage retreats. I am truly humbled by her capacity to forgive me. Every time she makes a compromise or a change for me, I am inspired to compromise and change for her. Our marriage has grown in spite of an extremely long series of health problems that decimated our sex life for a very long time. I don't believe that this is coincidence, but certainly blind luck brought this amazing woman into my life.

In my opinion people often set themselves up for failure in marriage by choosing a spouse based on the mirage of sexual comparability, chance, or apathy while ignoring who this person they're committing to really is; what they value, what goals they have, and their capacity for compassion and forgiveness. Having a spouse who shares some very key things with me is the basis for both the successes and failures in our marriage.

My philosophy is that by focusing only on my wants and needs, I sap my marriage of strength and leave it vulnerable to problems. What's important to me is what I bring to and put into my marriage. My commitment is about striving every day to make my relationship with my wife deeper and more fulfilling. I strive to make her life a little easier and more beautiful, and in return we are both happier. It has been a long time since my sex life was what I consider to be "ideal", but when we have sex it's very deep, meaningful, and satisfying. I don't believe that I could have such rich sexual experiences as a single person. After many years of 'female trouble' my wife's sexual drive has been gaining steam, and she has been open to different ideas and ways to pleasure each other.

There are days when I am tested and am not the man I need to be, but my wife brings out the best in me and we get past them. I would not trade that for the single life. Marriage is work, but in my humble experience it is also what you make it.[/Q

This is quite right and the ideal but the dilemma arises when one partner is not onboard or where one spouse is unable to meet the emotional or intimacy needs of the other. Interesting to read all these comments since im seriously thinking about ending a 23 yr marriage. Having tried open, frank discussion about our problems and having tried therapy I'm grappling with whether to stay in a marriage with not only infrequent sex but very little intimacy. We do have a great friendship and respect for each other but I feel like I'm living more with a roommate/great friend than a life partner. The question is do I indulge my selfishness and leave a decent and devoted man albeit an emotionally and sexually limited one.

 

[qrayze]

This is quite right and the ideal but the dilemma arises when one partner is not onboard or where one spouse is unable to meet the emotional or intimacy needs of the other. Interesting to read all these comments since im seriously thinking about ending a 23 yr marriage. Having tried open, frank discussion about our problems and having tried therapy I'm grappling with whether to stay in a marriage with not only infrequent sex but very little intimacy. We do have a great friendship and respect for each other but I feel like I'm living more with a roommate/great friend than a life partner. The question is do I indulge my selfishness and leave a decent and devoted man albeit an emotionally and sexually limited one.

A great friendship and respect for each other is what makes a great life partner!

 

[cromsgirl]

Or

This is quite right and the ideal but the dilemma arises when one partner is not onboard or where one spouse is unable to meet the emotional or intimacy needs of the other. Interesting to read all these comments since im seriously thinking about ending a 23 yr marriage. Having tried open, frank discussion about our problems and having tried therapy I'm grappling with whether to stay in a marriage with not only infrequent sex but very little intimacy. We do have a great friendship and respect for each other but I feel like I'm living more with a roommate/great friend than a life partner. The question is do I indulge my selfishness and leave a decent and devoted man albeit an emotionally and sexually limited one.[/QUOTE]

One other option is to open the marriage, if you are both up to it.

 

[echologue]

I think

I think the key to a working long term relationship is being able to talk to your partner about what your core wants are. Even when you don't want to talk about that. Especially when you don't want to have that conversation.

Looking to building bridges, both parties must want to hear what the other says, no matter what it means to them personally.

Having said this I will say I am single. But my partner of ten years and I parted company knowing full well what the issues of our separation were.

 

[Annabell4you]

I'm happily married. My friends are happily married. Sure, we all have gripes about our partners, but we wouldn't trade them in for being single anytime soon. I've had the benefit of many bad dates (and some good ones) while being married, and each time I think, 'OMG, I'm so glad I'm married and I don't have to be in the dating world if I don't want to!'

But then I believe people need to work toward happiness, and I don't hang around people who are chronically unhappy with their relationships or anything else. I figure if one isn't working to change, they have no room to complain, and that idea would certainly extend to friends who were unhappy in their relationships. Fix it, get out, or stop bitching is a very blunt way of conveying my attitude.[/QUOTE]

I agree, I do not spend time with people who constantly piss and moan. They always blame others. Take some ownership. Relationships change and take work. I'm happily married to, But only due to open honest communication.

 

[subwannabe]

I think it all depends on exactly what you want out of life. I have heard many single people wish they were married, and many married people wish they were single. Unfortunately, life is not always what you wanted. I think this definitely comes under the category of "be careful what you wish for, because you may get it". If you are single I wouldn't let other people or your perception of other people get in the way of going down the marriage lane. Finding Ms. Right is a worthy goal, if that's what you want.

 

[Firebrain]

Personally, I think the problem is that we seem to restrict ourselves to "single" or "only with one person." But then it does depend on the people involved.

There are plenty of happily married people around, too.

 

[Felix_Jones]

Yeah, all this freedom really, really sucks. I have to keep reminding myself that free time is actually a curse. I hate being single.

 

[infinity706]

Perhaps it's the company you keep and/or your own experiences/relationship is coloring your perceptions.

I'm happily married. My friends are happily married. Sure, we all have gripes about our partners, but we wouldn't trade them in for being single anytime soon. I've had the benefit of many bad dates (and some good ones) while being married, and each time I think, 'OMG, I'm so glad I'm married and I don't have to be in the dating world if I don't want to!'

But then I believe people need to work toward happiness, and I don't hang around people who are chronically unhappy with their relationships or anything else. I figure if one isn't working to change, they have no room to complain, and that idea would certainly extend to friends who were unhappy in their relationships. Fix it, get out, or stop bitching is a very blunt way of conveying my attitude.

To be fair, I'm not sure how much you'd count. It's not like there's too much wondering about what dating someone else would be like when you can just go do it. I'd say the married/cohabitating probably refers to standard, monogamous relationships.

 

[Felix_Jones]

I find married people have a low tolerance for alcohol and are boring. Like the man said: We do not want to hear about the cute thing your kids are doing.