The "Silent Treatment"... how do YOU cope?

[JennyOmanHill]

What do you do when your significant other, either online or off, "clams up" on you after an argument or disagreement?

Do you just let it pass?

Do you try over and over (and over!) again to maintain "contact"?

Do you "clam up" yourself and wait to hear from your SO?

I've recently read that many go through this type of thing (as do I!), and it puzzles me how to handle it. It really bothers me especially when a relationship depends on constant communication.

Has anyone broken up because of the "silence"?

 

[MissTaken]

I tend to stay quiet as well, as I stew and plot about the things I am going to say to Him when I do hear from Him again.

You know? That the silent treatment is childish, that open communication can move mountains while shutting down will just dig a hole.

Then, the phone rings or He comes on line. I tremble a little, and say, "Hi. How are you?"

All that plotting is wasted!

I am not good at being angry or staying angry with someone. Sometimes I wish I were.

 

[T.H. Oughts]

I don't know about the online thing. But here at home I just bug him till he tells me what is pissing him off and then we discuss it....

Some people just climb inside themselves and some let it all out.

Personally I would keep sending the messages and if they are a tight clam when they do open up again they know you are there for them

 

[JennyOmanHill]

I tend to stay quiet as well, as I stew and plot about the things I am going to say to Him when I do hear from Him again.

You know? That the silent treatment is childish, that open communication can move mountains while shutting down will just dig a hole.

Then, the phone rings or He comes on line. I tremble a little, and say, "Hi. How are you?"

All that plotting is wasted!

I am not good at being angry or staying angry with someone. Sometimes I wish I were.

Do you think that's exactly why people choose to stay silent? It gives them some sort of "control", don't you think?

I've been through so much in my life, and as difficult as it is, I force myself to keep TRYING to talk. When your partner is the one staying silent, I start to feel a bit desperate and foolish with my continued attempts to initiate contact.

I agree that no matter who starts or finishes it, as soon as I hear the voice, all the heartache and upsetment seem to disappear! It seems such a waste to keep quiet!

Thanks, Miss Taken!

 

[freescorfr]

I believe Jenny that in any "couple" there are three things - each of the people and the relationship. The reltionship has it's own life in a sense - it needs to be looked after by both parteners.
This means nourishing it with messages which flow in both directions.

What goes on at your end of the relationship is entirely your responsibility - at what goes on at his end is his. But how alive the relationship is depends on you both - you are co-authors of the relationship.


So the silence treatment, if it goes on too long, is deadly.
Also killing are, naggings, complaints, comparisons, demands etc..
What gives life to a relationship is saying what you feel, even if it's pretty lousy, and what you are going through - but always without rebuke of the other. Simply,

"When I don't hear from you for a long time, I feel a loss. I feel sad."


If you have a strong desire, for example, for a relationship to grow and be full of life, I suggest you choose an object as your symbol for your desire and take care of your symbol. It is a way of saying "This relationship is important to me, and I'm going to do my best to look after it.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

I don't know about the online thing. But here at home I just bug him till he tells me what is pissing him off and then we discuss it....

Some people just climb inside themselves and some let it all out.

Personally I would keep sending the messages and if they are a tight clam when they do open up again they know you are there for them

Hi T.H.!

I suppose bugging him in person is a lot easier than trying to keep contact online! Especially when your SO will be traveling, and this stuff starts right before a trip!

I have been BOTH the "silent" one and the "bugger". Neither side is pretty, but I'm learning as I'm living!

 

[JennyOmanHill]

I believe Jenny that in any "couple" there are three things - each of the people and the relationship. The reltionship has it's own life in a sense - it needs to be looked after by both parteners.
This means nourishing it with messages which flow in both directions.

What goes on at your end of the relationship is entirely your responsibility - at what goes on at his end is his. But how alive the relationship is depends on you both - you are co-authors of the relationship.


So the silence treatment, if it goes on too long, is deadly.
Also killing are, naggings, complaints, comparisons, demands etc..
What gives life to a relationship is saying what you feel, even if it's pretty lousy, and what you are going through - but always without rebuke of the other. Simply,

"When I don't hear from you for a long time, I feel a loss. I feel sad."


If you have a strong desire, for example, for a relationship to grow and be full of life, I suggest you choose an object as your symbol for your desire and take care of your symbol. It is a way of saying "This relationship is important to me, and I'm going to do my best to look after it.

WOW, Freescorfr! I think you hit the nail on the head! Thanks!

http://www.gov.state.mo.us/kids/games/teasers/hammer.gif

 

[Ishmael]

To 'clam', or not to 'clam'?

If it is the other person, I'll attempt to maintain contact. For a resonable period. E-mails, IM, or phone. If it persists, you have to get the message and move on. I'm a lot more persistant in real life.

I have been the 'clam' on occasion though. And TH is right, I have to be dragged out sometimes. Most of the time I'll emerge on my own. (After it's dawned on me how damn silly I'm being.) But on occasion it will take more.

The reason that I 'clam up' is simple. It's because I'm afraid that if I do say something, it will be something that I'll never be able to take back. There are times that that's exactly what is called for. Oh well.


Ishmael

 

[JennyOmanHill]

Re: To 'clam', or not to 'clam'?

If it is the other person, I'll attempt to maintain contact. For a resonable period. E-mails, IM, or phone. If it persists, you have to get the message and move on. I'm a lot more persistant in real life.

I have been the 'clam' on occasion though. And TH is right, I have to be dragged out sometimes. Most of the time I'll emerge on my own. (After it's dawned on me how damn silly I'm being.) But on occasion it will take more.

The reason that I 'clam up' is simple. It's because I'm afraid that if I do say something, it will be something that I'll never be able to take back. There are times that that's exactly what is called for. Oh well.

Ishmael

I agree with the idea of "clamming" up so you don't dig yourself even deeper into a hole!

Do you have any idea what would be considered a "reasonable" time? In offline relationships, I found weeks could go by, but I'm not as patient "online". I'm learning that online relationships seem more intense for me!

http://www.xemu.demon.co.uk/img/snapclam.gif

 

[MissTaken]

May I just add....

I REALLY HATE THE CLAMS IN THIS WORLD!




And Jenny, you have a great point. The cold shoulder on line becomes unbearable in just a day or so. While in real time, I can manage longer than that.

Of course, in real life, there is plenty to preoccupy me, while if I am on line, everytime the cue sounds, I have to see if it is the him who is shutting me out.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

May I just add....

I REALLY HATE THE CLAMS IN THIS WORLD!



And Jenny, you have a great point. The cold shoulder on line becomes unbearable in just a day or so. While in real time, I can manage longer than that.

Of course, in real life, there is plenty to preoccupy me, while if I am on line, everytime the cue sounds, I have to see if it is the him who is shutting me out.

You described it exactly as I feel it, Miss Taken!

Hitting another nail on the head!

http://www.jamesshuggins.com/i/web1/hammer_and_nail.jpg

 

[Debbie]

"When one is troubled
silence is not peace
but words unspoken"
By debbiexxx


We are all different when we argue/disagree or have
misunderstandings? We deal with them in our own
way. Some want to clam up, perhaps thinking things through.
Some want to sort things out instantly.

I don't believe in the cold shoulder. If things aren't right?
Try and sort them out or come to some sort of understanding/
agreement. Some people do need to have their 'space' respected. All I can suggest is saying to the person? I understand you may need time to think things through but can I have a rough idea how long.
Communication is important. Respect both ways is also.

 

[kiwiwolf]

"When one is troubled
silence is not peace
but words unspoken"
By debbiexxx


We are all different when we argue/disagree or have
misunderstandings? We deal with them in our own
way. Some want to clam up, perhaps thinking things through.
Some want to sort things out instantly.

I don't believe in the cold shoulder. If things aren't right?
Try and sort them out or come to some sort of understanding/
agreement. Some people do need to have their 'space' respected. All I can suggest is saying to the person? I understand you may need time to think things through but can I have a rough idea how long.
Communication is important. Respect both ways is also.

Sis you are one of the true great ones...

 

[MissTaken]

That is true.

I guess I am whining about the person who just disappears ...no explanation, no quiet talk about needing time and space.

Just "leaves in a huff."

Yes, to say, "I need a couple of days," would be much nicer than the nothingness of avoidance.

 

[JennyOmanHill]

"When one is troubled
silence is not peace
but words unspoken"
By debbiexxx

We are all different when we argue/disagree or have
misunderstandings? We deal with them in our own
way. Some want to clam up, perhaps thinking things through.
Some want to sort things out instantly.

I don't believe in the cold shoulder. If things aren't right?
Try and sort them out or come to some sort of understanding/
agreement. Some people do need to have their 'space' respected. All I can suggest is saying to the person? I understand you may need time to think things through but can I have a rough idea how long.
Communication is important. Respect both ways is also.

Yes, Debbie... "silence is NOT peace"!

I also agree after reading your thoughts that this type of silence can indicate a lack of respect! Thanks for your words.

 

[Debbie]

Sis you are one of the true great ones...

Takes one to know one, dude.

 

[Aphrodisiac]

What do you do when your significant other, either online or off, "clams up" on you after an argument or disagreement?


When we do argue, which is rather rare on our part - we are freaky like that .... but when we do get into a dispute.
We are both rather passive, we will not scream or yell we will usually talk about the argument & then try to figure out as to what got us angry and so forth.

We tend to talk things out and this helps us out a whole lot. Its better if you tell your S/O what is truly bothering you & I am sure he will do the same and then from there you can move on and settle the argument.


Hope this helps

 

[hemis]

What do you do when your significant other, either online or off, "clams up" on you after an argument or disagreement?

Do you just let it pass?

Do you try over and over (and over!) again to maintain "contact"?

Do you "clam up" yourself and wait to hear from your SO?

I've recently read that many go through this type of thing (as do I!), and it puzzles me how to handle it. It really bothers me especially when a relationship depends on constant communication.

Has anyone broken up because of the "silence"?

jenny...to me communication is the only saving grace in a real relationship....you need to sit down with your partner and calmly discuss the problem...ignoring problems often allows them to grow into bigger ones.....

remember....in every lasting relationship there is give and take....compromise.........is the dispute worth the heartache....

 

[Cheyenne]

Has anyone broken up because of the "silence"?

If you expand this to include good friendships and not just SO's, my answer would be "yes."

I like making friends online, but it is also easier for people to walk away without ever saying "why." The first time that happened, I was convinced it was because of something I said or did. Now I know it is just something that happens online sometimes. People walk away without ever really saying goodbye. I don't like it, but I understand it happens. I try not to do it myself, but I've had it pointed out to me a few times when it has been weeks since I've emailed someone. Then I feel bad because I don't mean to do to others what I hate having done to me.

 

[Ice Cold]

Ahhhh the old silent treatment... God how I hate that. Depends on how it got to the point... if I think I did something wrong, then I won't push the issue and let them muddle through it, when there ready to speak they'll speak. Eventually they get over it, or want to talk about what happened.

I never give the silent treatment... I just kind of reduce my interaction. Everything become just one or two word replies until the other realizes something is bothering me.

 

[iwmggw]

the silent treatment

by the time it gets to that point.......i'm so happy she's quiet,i just thank her, and.........as you can imagine,that ended the silence! another time i played simon&garfunkel's "the sound of silence" 6 times in a row till she started speaking to me........i think her exact words were "play that again and i'll shove that cassette up your butt sideways!" I told her i loved it when she talks dirty to me,and she must have liked that because she continued talking dirty 4 quite awhile! badum bum! but seriously folks..........i usually apoligize 4 being such an idiot, and once we've found the common ground of agreement.....we can then make out......oops, i meant up....tho most of the time its the same thing...........and in our house makeup sex has been some of the best sex other times, i just give her a bunch of these -- greg (or shallow hal,whichever u prefer)

 

[riff]

Clueless here again.

Sometimes I don't know when to shut up. People feel suffocated or totally bored. When I finally realise what a baby I am being, I shut up and hope they will eventually come around at a time when they feel safe and comfy and I feel safe and comfy.

I have to feel safe and comfy, otherwise I am pathetic and terrified. But that is why I am in therapy, to better learn that there is a nice middle ground between complete affirmation and complete devastation. I'm getting better!

Trust takes time, and I don't have a watch- but time passes and sooner or later someone talks. Or maybe never- which sucks, but life must go on.

 

[KillerMuffin]

I have no idea. The StudMuffin should have, "Help! I'm talking and I can't shut up!" tattooed on his forehead. I've never been fortunate enough to enjoy the silent treatment. If one of them is in the house than there is someone talking. They usually want to talk to me, too.

I'm a writer, I'd love the silent treatment because I could get things done. I swear, the StudMuffin can be such a girl about relationships.

 

[Wiggles]

I, for one, can't stand the silent treatment. I bug, tease, and question until he'll listen to me. If it's my fault, I'll beg and plead and rationalize to be forgiven. If it was his fault (which is usually the case ) he usually plays the short term memory thing, acting like everythings cool a little later. I use that moment to get him in a discussion about our problems.

I couldn't let the silent treatment go on for more than a day, I've only done so once. If they live with you, and you sleep with them, it's really hard to be mad when you wake up with their arm and leg slung over you. One reason I love our little twin bed.

My opinion is that communication is detrimental to an online relationship. I would have to write e-mails or letters trying to forgive, be forgiven, or just explain my side of things.

 

[PacificBlue]

**MY OPINION**

In my experience the "silent treatment" is all about control. It drives me absolutely crazy and as much as possible I try to avoid those who use it in relationships as a tool to manipulate.

It's one thing when each person needs to go to their seperate corners to cool off before something is said that will wound the relationship and quite another when 24 hours of breathing room has been given and nothing happens to reestablish the link.

In my mind *nothing* is that important that communication should just be cut off for days, weeks, etc. If someone were to do that to me now (and I've had it happen) the relationship is over. To me that signals that "I" is more important than "we".