The Sex Joke Thread (Open To Anyone)

[The Duke of Oral]

This thread is for posting any joke so long as it pertains to sex. I know a bunch, but there have to be at least a thousand that I have never heard and it would be a shame not to read your own!
Please contribute as much as you want, and as often as you want. Here's one to start us off.

Senior couple, go to the doctors office. And when they are
called back to the examining room, the doctor asks them what
seems to be the problem today. The matured gentleman takes
the woman by the hand, and says "Well doctor, there is really
nothing wrong, we just want to have sex on the examining bed."
The doctor is a little surprized but nonetheless replies "Okay, well
have a great time and when you are done see my receptionist
and pay for the office visit, that will be $25." So the couple have
sex and in fact have a really great time, then pay the receptionist
$25 and leave. About a week later, the same couple comes back,
and again they just want to have sex in the examining room.
Doctor again says, okay, pay when you are done, and remember,
thats $25 for the office visit!" So this goes on for about a month,
and finally the doctor just has to say something. The next time
the couple came back, the doctor said "Well you know, I don't
mind you having sex here, in fact I get $25, and I get to take a
break, or go onto the next patient, but why do you come here to
have sex and pay for an office visit to do so?" "Well", the
gentleman spoke up, "We're both retired and on medicare. I'm
married and we can't go to my house, she's married and we can't
go to her house, Motel 6 charges $35, and here we pay only $25
and get half of it covered for medical expenses!"

 

[cajunpeach]

A koala bear and a hooker go back to her place and they get undressed. The koala bear goes down on the hooker for 3 hours straight. She has multiple orgasms!!! After 3 hours he stops, gets up and puts on his little koala clothes.

The woman is hanging back huffing and puffing from exhaustion. "Oh God, that was great! Now I need my money." The koala bear just looks at her and shrugs. Then the hooker says, "No, I need my money." I'm a hooker and this is how I make a living."

The koala bear just looks at her and continues to put on his clothes.
Then the hooker gets up and runs to the bookshelf, grabs a dictionary and thumbs through it to "hooker." She hands it to the koala bear and it reads:

"HOOKER: Person who has sex for money."

Then the koala bear turns the page to "koala bear" and walks out the door.

"KOALA BEAR: Eats bushes and leaves."

 

[bashfull]

What's the definition of trust?








Two cannibals having oral sex.





Bash

 

[The Duke of Oral]

A newlywed couple were just getting used to their everyday routines. He went to work and she stayed home taking care of all the household stuff. One morning as he was about to head out to work, the wife said "Honey, the dishwasher is acting up, would you take a look at it when you get home?" Her husband replied "Do I look like somekind of whirlpool man to you? Call a repairman!", and off to work he went. A week later, just as he was going off to work, the wife said "Dear, the washing machine is acting up. Can you take a look at it when you get home and maybe fix it?" The husband replied as he was going out the door "What do I look like Mr. Maytag to you? Call a repairman!". A week later the kitchen sink developed a nasty leak. As her husband was leaving he told her again "Just call a plumber!". When he got home from work he noticed that she was washing dishes in the dishwasher, running a load of laundry in the washer, and peeling potatoes over the sink with no leaks. He said, "Well did the plumber charge much?" His wife responded, "
Well when he arrived he told me I could either bake him a cake, or give him a blowjob to pay for it". Her husband replied, "Really? What kind of cake did you make him?" To which his wife replied "Do I look like Betty Crocker to you!".

 

[navarre]

A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he’s found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, “It looks like you blew a seal.” “No, no,” the penguin replies, “It’s just ice cream.”

 

[Arden]

That was funny, navarre! I should get Soron in here to read some of these...

 

[The Duke of Oral]

A vacationing penguin...

Navarre, that was a great joke!! Thank you for sharing the laughter with us. I have to look up a joke that I think you would like. I don't remember it word for word and it is a keeper.

 

[The Duke of Oral]

Found it:

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of the reservation, she asked why there was a difference in the number of feathers in headdresses. She asked a brave who had only one feather in his headress.

"Me have only one squaw, so me only have one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow was putting her on.

"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of of mates involved, she decided to interview the chief, who had a headdress full of feathers.

"Me chief, me fuck-em all."

"This is outrageous you ought to be hung!" a horrified Barbara Walters said.

"Damn right, me hung like buffalo."

"You don't have to be so damn hostile!" cried Barbara Walters.

"Hoss-style, dog-style, hog-style, wolf-style, any-style. Me fuck-em all!"

"Oh dear!"

"No deer. Assholes too high and run too fast. No fuck-em deer."

 

[sarahuk4]

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section
of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and
shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering but goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and
shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

More minutes pass.

The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose andshudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says,"Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! What is the matter?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition
and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

 

[sarahuk4]

PARROT JOKE

A bloke is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.
It doesn`t have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud; "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I`m a defective parrot".

"Holy shit", the bloke replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word", says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the bloke asks, "Then answer this how do you hang on to your perch without any feet?"
"Well", the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my cock around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can`t see it because of my feathers."
"Wow" says the guy, "you really can understand and speak English, can`t you!"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I`m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I`d be a great companion."

The bloke looks at the 200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can`t afford that."
"Pssssssst" says the parrot, "I`m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don`t have any feet. You can probably get me for 20, just make the guy an offer!"
The bloke offers 20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he`s interesting, he`s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he`s insightful.

The bloke is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing.
"I don`t know if I should tell you this or not, but it`s about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the bloke.
"When the postman delivered today , your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the bloke asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over" reported the parrot.
"My God!" the bloke exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL???" demands the frantic bloke, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED ????"

"Fucked if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch !!!!!!!

 

[gentlelady]

HI everyone a contribution to the thread

Subject: FW: State Trooper

An older man was speeding down the road at 80 mph when he
looked in his rearview mirror and saw a Florida Highway
Patrol car coming with its blue lights flashing and siren
blaring. Thinking he could outrun the trooper, the man speeded up to 100 mph. Suddenly, he realized his foolishness and pulled
over to the side of the road and stopped. The trooper pulled up, walked up to the car and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and it's Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The man looked at the trooper and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back." The trooper replied, "Have a nice day."

 

[Astroman]

Lunch time is the high light of my work day. Yesterday, a bunch of us went to a local restaurant. Since it was just us "guys", they were all begging me to tell them some "dirty jokes". This of course led into some "gutter talk" and things got worse from there. Before long Marco was bragging about the size of his "manhood". Jim tried to top it by saying his was bigger, Rick added his own exaggerations.
Then Arturo said matter of factly "mine's about four inches." There was stunned silence before I said "Art, your kidding right?"

"That's right, Rodney, four inches." He said, with no hint of embarrassment "you know, some women like it."

We all sat in stunned silence, then Arturo went on to say, "of course others complain it's just too wide."

 

[gentlelady]

And Another

Red Ring
A man goes to his doctor and says, ''Doctor, Doctor, please help me! I've got a problem.'' The doctor examines the man and finds the man has a red ring around his penis. The doctor gives him an ointment to rub on the problem area.
''It's all cleared up!'' the man reports when he returns. ''But what was that medication you gave me?''
''Lipstick remover.''

 

[gentlelady]

S & M

Angela and Annabelle meet at their family reunion, and they haven't seen each other in years. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Annabelle says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Angela replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Annabelle is aghast. "Really, I never would have guessed that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Angela, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

 

[gentlelady]

SNORING WAS NOT THE PROBLEM!

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every hotel room was
taken.
He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into the
office.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed -
I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the
manager,
"and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth,
he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in
the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travelers assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.

"How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring,
then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,"
Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said,
'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

 

[Astroman]

guy goes over to his friend's house, rings the bell, and the wife answers.

"Hi, is Tony home?"

"No, he went to the store."

"Well, you mind if I wait?"

"No, come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws a hundred bucks on the table.

They sit there a while longer and Chris says "They are so beautiful I've got to see the both of them. I'll give you another hundred bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and thinks what the hell, opens her robe, and gives Chris a nice long look. Chris thanks her, throws another hundred bucks on the table, and then says he can't wait any longer and leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know, your weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and says "Well did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

 

[Astroman]

Viagra Wasted?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," she replies.

The man thinks her agreement is because the Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before. He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper

 

[sylver_penny]

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side. She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling,

"Well, how was it?" The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

 

[The Duke of Oral]

PARROT JOKE

Absolutely sinsational!

 

[The Duke of Oral]

... her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall...

Good joke. Coincidentally I only have 2 teddy bears, but they aren't to be given away. I noticed your location as Montana, and the name sylver_penny brought to mind a place in Haugan that I visited for breakfast one day "Lincoln's World Famous 10,000 Silver $". Great food and wonderful atmosphere, not to mention all the silver dollars! I've actually lived in Great Falls and Billings and frequented Bozeman, Missoula and numerous other places. Beautiful state Montana is.

 

[sarahuk4]

Absolutely sinsational!

LOL...LOL...I aim to please ..LOL..LOL..LOL...

Another one for you ....



A little blonde girl comes back from school one evening. She runs to
her mom and says: "Mommy today at school we learnt how to count. Well,
all the other girls only counted to 5, but listen to me:
1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10! It's good, innit?" "Yes, darling, very good."
Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde?" she asks. "Yes,
darling, it's because you're blonde." The mom says.

Next day, the little girl comes back from school and says: "Mommy,
today
at
school we learnt the alphabet. All the other girls only went as far as
D, but listen to me: A,B,C,D,E,F,G,H,I,J,K! It's good, innit?" "Yes,
darling, very good." Answers the mom. "Is that because I'm blonde,
mommy?" she asks. "Yes, darling it's because you're blonde." The mom
says.

Next Day, she returns from school and cries: "Mommy, today we went
swimming. Well, all the other girls have no breasts, but look at me!"
She proceeds to flash her impressive 36D at her mommy. "Is that
because

I'm blonde, mommy?" "No darling, it's because you're 25."

 

[sarahuk4]

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."
>
>
> The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous
day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well,
doc,
it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then
I
tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
>
>
>
> Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth
in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up
Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands,
then an
armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still
nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old
man
replied,
>
> "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still couldn't get the jar
open."

 

[sarahuk4]

Think you might like this one ...Duke ...


A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh, right up just below her bikini line. She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey. So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.
The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Clause with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh. So the guy does it and it comes out looking good too.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist says, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She said, "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

 

[The Duke of Oral]

Think you might like this one ...Duke ...


A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh

The 85-yr old man joke... totally unexpected the ending! lmao

The tattoo joke.. roflmao.. YES!! Now if we can just convince more women that snacking between meals does NOT ruin the appetite!

 

[The Duke of Oral]

A businessman meets a beautiful girl and agrees to spend the afternoon with her for $500. So they do. Before he leaves, he tells her that he does not have any cash with him, but that he will have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'

On the way to the office he regrets what he has done, realizing that the whole event was not worth the price. So he has his secretary send a check for $250 and enclosed the following typed note:

Dear Madam,

Enclosed find check in the amount of $250 for rent of your apartment. I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the apartment, I was under the impression that:

1) it had never been occupied;
2) that there was plenty of heat;
3) that is was small enough to make me cozy and at home.

However, I found out that it had been previously occupied, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large.

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:

Dear Sir:

First of all, I cannot understand how you expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely. As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on. Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the landlady.