The Secret Admirer

[Levelhead]

Just here to promote my story "The Secret Admirer". It's a romantic tale about a man going to extremes to make a good first impression with the woman he adores. Like all writers, I crave readers and feedback. I am proud of this one. Please read it and let me know what you think.

 

[just4fun55555]

Gotta say... I loved it. Definitely on the "softer" side of erotica, but right up my alley. As far as the end... I don't think I've read a single story on this site that hasn't ended exactly as predicted, yours surprised me.

Looking forward to reading more...

 

[Impetus]

One thing, right off the bat:

"As if reading her mind, his thrusting picks back up and takes her to the top at the perfect pace."

Thrusting Pricks? You'd think this belongs in sci-fi.

Okay, Joking aside, remember to add a link to your story in the future....here's one...

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43110

Now, to the feedback:

WAHAAA!! SO COOL! That was awesome! Romantic (swoon) and intriguing and creative and all sorts of marvelous things. Right, we'll break down the positives first.

Romantic: You hooked me with that one. I loved the setup and the presents and everything. And now I know what kind of Chocolates to get that extra-special woman.

The ending: I loved the way you eneded the story, it made everything even more romantic and emotional. It was a very creative finish, very original. I'm deeply impressed.

Tense: I loved how you took the reader through the whole week, it added tension to know that we were going to be treated to seven days of surprises along with our heroine. Definite treat.

Suggestions:

The things I picked up on early in the 'week' made deb seem a little to full of herself. Perhaps once, towards the end of the week, when she's begun to become a bit more of a 'new person' such comments would be nice. But toward the beginning, when she is relatively 'untransformed', it made me think she was a little too egotistical.

And speaking of untransformed, I really like the idea of the story about how Deb become slowly more confident and self-asure, healthy qualities to be sure, but I think it would help to offset that change somehow. During the beginning of the story, try setting Deb up for the transformation ahead. She's a single mother, right? Perhaps play off of that a touch. Let us know that her self-esteem has somewhere to go so that when we get there at the end, it makes the journey more powerful.

Other than a few minor suggestions, an awesome story. Very nice. Applause.

-I

 

[Levelhead]

re:feedback for "The Secret Admirer"

Thanks for the suggestions. Although I didn't intend for Deb to come across as conceited or aloof, I can see how you might draw that conclusion. As far as developing the single Mom angle, that could have been done better. I didn't want to get too heavy handed with that part of it, but single Mom's are in my opinion about the most selfless human's on earth, and it wasn't lost on me the impact of having a person in that position as the recipient of all this pampering. If I were to rewrite this story, I would definately incorporate some of your suggestions. The story was basically written in "one take", so maybe next time I'll take a step back and rework some things before going to press. Thanks Again.