The search for validation

[saltypuddles]

Hi, my name is puddle.
and I have nothing to say.

 

[IrisAlthea]

However, when you understand the reasoning behind needing that reassurance then perhaps it doesn't seem so off putting but rather, you're dealing with an individual who may be insecure, have extremely low self-esteem, perhaps a victim of some sort of abuse that could be stemming from their childhood even. Where they grew up with absent parents

I don’t think anyone goes through life without getting a few dents and scratches.
Making others jump through hoops to fix it makes for difficult relationships though.

When it comes to validation, I think it’s nice to have once in a while for just about everyone. Using external validation to fix poor self-esteem of the kind you talk about is not ever going to work though, because it’s a bottomless sinkhole that lets every bit of validation sink into oblivion instantly and keeps any criticism afloat forever.

 

[IrisAlthea]

It's hard being broken.

I appreciate your honest perspective. And for what it's worth, it's wholly exhausting being needy, even downright emotionally shameful, because I fear that exact reaction from a Dominant.

Both your comment about being broken and the comment about being needy and ashamed of it, seem to come from a mindset where being broken and needy as a consequence is something beyond control.
While you can’t change things that happened (and that probably were beyond control) and you have to play the cards you’ve been dealt, you can still choose where to go from there and how you are going to play those cards.

I do find, particularly in the realm of BDSM, this to be on my hard needs list.
I wonder what others think of this unusual and hard to satisfy term.

To me an exceptional need for external validation in a partner, would be a red flag.
I’ve seen it start the kind of tango where one partner is needy and the other becomes avoidant which triggers the needy person etc and seen the search for validation stray beyond the boundaries agreed on in the relationship.
In the end though, the deciding factor would be how that person handled their neediness. Self awareness, taking adult responsibility for their own emotional needs etc can go a long way.
Without those, I think the situation can become quite toxic at worst and would be a ticket to drama town for sure.

 

[BiBunny]

I mention my exes a lot because they're prime examples of What Not To Do in a D/s relationship.

To make a long story short, I served a married couple--the guy a psychopath and the girl a narcissist--for nearly two years.

Not once in those two years did I ever get the slightest scrap of praise. Nothing I did was ever good enough. They used me when they needed me and forgot about my existence the rest of the time. I would cook them meals and desserts (that they asked for!), and they'd tell me why it wasn't right. I did all their laundry, and I never once got a "Thank you." It was like it was expected that I would kill myself for them, and they'd criticize me for it.

I wasn't looking for constant validation. I didn't need my ass kissed. But occasional acknowledgement that I was trying wouldn't have hurt them.

So it's really no wonder now that when Daddy says, "Good girl" to me for doing the simplest things, I want to cry because I'm still not used to being praised for doing things. He's pretty liberal in his use of positive reinforcement, and for someone like me, who's been invalidated my whole life--I have two narcissistic parents, too--it's powerful, almost addicting stuff.

ETA: Not even sure that this applies to the topic. If it doesn't, I'm sorry. It's just what I thought of when I thought of validation in a D/s relationship.

 

[IrisAlthea]

I mention my exes a lot because they're prime examples of What Not To Do in a D/s relationship.

To make a long story short, I served a married couple--the guy a psychopath and the girl a narcissist--for nearly two years.

Not once in those two years did I ever get the slightest scrap of praise. Nothing I did was ever good enough. They used me when they needed me and forgot about my existence the rest of the time. I would cook them meals and desserts (that they asked for!), and they'd tell me why it wasn't right. I did all their laundry, and I never once got a "Thank you." It was like it was expected that I would kill myself for them, and they'd criticize me for it.

I wasn't looking for constant validation. I didn't need my ass kissed. But occasional acknowledgement that I was trying wouldn't have hurt them.

So it's really no wonder now that when Daddy says, "Good girl" to me for doing the simplest things, I want to cry because I'm still not used to being praised for doing things. He's pretty liberal in his use of positive reinforcement, and for someone like me, who's been invalidated my whole life--I have two narcissistic parents, too--it's powerful, almost addicting stuff.

ETA: Not even sure that this applies to the topic. If it doesn't, I'm sorry. It's just what I thought of when I thought of validation in a D/s relationship.

To me this is more about being able to expect being treated with what should be common courtesy and respect.

I think everyone wants to feel appreciated and valued by their partner and I certainly wouldn’t call that a red flag, but someone making a point of saying they need validation in everyday life to know that what they do is valued and matters, is not going to be a good match for me.

People are entiteled to come up with their own dynamics of course but for me, while I think it is quite possible to have fun both with the thankless slavery trope and the needy woman-child trope (interesting how man-child has much more negative connotations in our culture), I’d like any hot tropes to stay firmly in trope territory.