The Scarlet Harlot

[ArtLeBleu]

Guinevere, Guinevere, you harlot you!
How your mother doth cry for the sins you do.
“Jesus will save me!” you always did say,
Hark! You little wench, I think it nay!
The Devil, hath he, indeed a firm grip,
When you polish my lance and caress just the tip.
Your hair so bright, like the fires of Hell,
Burns my breeches with passion, I’m sure you can tell.
Of ample bosom and white flesh ye be,
“Please, sir, some more,” you cry out with glee.
Your moist, velvet loins, of oh so deep red,
Beckon knaves, slaves, and urchins, even kings to your bed.
Legs in the air, a fine ballerina you’d make,
Perfect for tight spaces, lads, make no mistake.
You tell great tales of adventure and lust,
Enough with the stories, you’re horny I trust?
Of all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men,
Not one left untouched, dear Guinevere, shall we then?

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Hello and welcome ......very bawdy! I won't offer critique unless asked for

 

[butters]

this one made me smile but it still has a few places that a gentle touch would smooth out just a few bumps and niggles, where lines feel forced to fit the schematic.

if any advice is wished for, just shout. until then, thanks for posting and welcome to the PoBo

 

[ArtLeBleu]

Oh please do! I welcome all questions, comments, and critiques. This is the first poem I've ever written, so it can't be perfect.

 

[UnderYourSpell]

maybe tomorrow I've been bitten once today

 

[butters]

Oh please do! I welcome all questions, comments, and critiques. This is the first poem I've ever written, so it can't be perfect.

ok, asap - i have to get off to work now. all i offer are my opinions and never expect others to change a word unless those suggestions feel right to them.

maybe tomorrow I've been bitten once today

nah, 'twas just a nibble - the older poster was happy enough, and the young pup was all gums

 

[UnderYourSpell]

I've tidied it up a bit see what you think, the last line was the hardest to edit and I'm afraid I had to cut out poor Guinevere


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guinevere, Guinevere, you harlot you!
your mother doth cry for the sins you do.
“Jesus will save me!” you always did say,
Hark! little wench, I think it nay!
The Devil, hath he, indeed a firm grip,
When you polish my lance and caress the tip.
Your hair so bright, like the fires of Hell,
Burns my breeches with passion, I’m sure you can tell.
Of ample bosom and white flesh ye be,
“Please, sir, some more,” you cry out with glee.
Your moist, velvet loins, of oh so deep red,
Beckon knaves, slaves, and urchins, kings to your bed.
Legs in the air, a fine ballerina you’d make,
Perfect for tight spaces, lads, make no mistake.
You tell great tales of adventure and lust,
Enough with the stories, you’re horny I trust?
Of all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men,
Not one leaves untouched, shall we then?

 

[ArtLeBleu]

Thank you for your input. I like it! There's only one thing I'm gonna change. Instead of "Beckon knaves, slaves, AND urchins, kings to your bed.", I'll do "Beckon knaves, slaves, urchins, EVEN kings to your bed."

 

[UnderYourSpell]

Glad you're happy with it which is the main thing though of course the other lines won't scan without the changes

 

[ArtLeBleu]

Also, I like the change you made to the last line. "Not one leaves.." is far better than, "Not one left..".

 

[butters]

Guinevere, Guinevere, you harlot you!
How your mother doth cry for the sins you do.
“Jesus will save me!” you always did say,
Hark! You little wench, I think it nay!
The Devil, hath he, indeed a firm grip,
When you polish my lance and caress just the tip.
Your hair so bright, like the fires of Hell,
Burns my breeches with passion, I’m sure you can tell.
Of ample bosom and white flesh ye be,
“Please, sir, some more,” you cry out with glee.
Your moist, velvet loins, of oh so deep red,
Beckon knaves, slaves, and urchins, even kings to your bed.
Legs in the air, a fine ballerina you’d make,
Perfect for tight spaces, lads, make no mistake.
You tell great tales of adventure and lust,
Enough with the stories, you’re horny I trust?
Of all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men,
Not one left untouched, dear Guinevere, shall we then?

I moved your thread here, ArtLeBleu, since it is the better place for posting out actual poetry and receiving comments. The Poets' Hangout is more for us all talking about 'stuff' a bit like hanging around the coffee machine at work or feet up on the sofa with a brandy or two...

ok. here goes. and please understand that all i offer are my opinions. you are perfectly free to disregard or disagree with them:

If this is, indeed, your first poem then congratulations. Yes it has plenty that could do with a polish, but there are enough instances to show you have some grasp of rhythm, basic rhyme, and a sense of humour. Writing bawdy humour in rhyming couplets is a fair choice, but when you choose a style it's pretty important to remain consistant - beats/rhyme.

The Devil, hath he, indeed a firm grip,
When you polish my lance and caress just the tip.
Your hair so bright, like the fires of Hell,
Burns my breeches with passion, I’m sure you can tell.

these lines are the strongest in the write, the second line is spot on. the changes i'd suggest are small but smooth out the lines, like so:

The Devil, indeed, he hath a firm grip
When you polish my lance and caress just the tip;
Your hair burns so bright, like the fires of Hell,
Lights my breeches with passion, I'm sure you can tell.

I like your use of breeches, pronounced 'britches', as it continues that sound-link with 'tip' and 'grip'.

Now, the rest is a bit lumpier, I'm afraid. Let's take a look at your opening lines:

Guinevere, Guinevere, you harlot you!
How your mother doth cry for the sins you do.
“Jesus will save me!” you always did say,
Hark! You little wench, I think it nay!

you harlot you! - yes, colloquial, but (for me) sits all wrong here even if it's been used as a cultural playing off of one era against another and intended to also convey a smiling/flirting tone more than a chastising one. Can't say I like 'sins you do' either. It feels too contrived, forced to make fit for an easy rhyme-sound. By changing 'you harlot you' to 'harlot, you sit' would allow a tidier 'Whilst your mother cries for the sins you commit'. The next two lines also feel a bit clunky, especially with all the exclamation marks abounding - and I realise there are plenty of those that accompany more antiquated verse, and this is the reasoning (i presume) behind their use here. However, i would suggest a little more adroit use of their 'ta-da-edness'. Perhaps something more like this might smooth out your metre and not trip the reader quite as much as it does right now:

Guinevere, Guinevere! Harlot you sit
Whilst your mother cries for the sins you commit.
"Jesus will save me!" you say as you pray
But hark, little wench, your belief I gainsay!

Of ample bosom and white flesh ye be,
“Please, sir, some more,” you cry out with glee.
Your moist, velvet loins, of oh so deep red,
Beckon knaves, slaves, and urchins, even kings to your bed.

The first line here might trip on metre, throwing the reader when they're more concerned with the sauciness you're throwing their way - you place the stress right now on Of; sometimes messing with the metre a tad works; in this instance I don't feel it lends itself to improving the read, so would suggest you inject another syllable with 'fine' to smooth your metre back out:

Of fine, ample bosom and white flesh ye be;
"Please, sir, some more!" you cry out with glee.
Your moist velvet loins, of oh so deep red,

Your original line of 'Beckon knaves, salves and urchins, kings to your bed' I actually liked - bawdy, sound-linked, and even liked the ambiguity of 'kings to your bed' that implied a duality of luring kings as well as paupers to the bed and the concept that them being brought to her bed make them kinglike - a nice step up from their lowly status, if only for the duration of the time spent between her loins. As it now stands, with your inclusion of 'even', you lose the duality so it becomes less interesting for me. AND urchins are generally considered children - so some less salubrious connotations there. Having said that, its inclusion would not have been out of place in ribald street poetry set to slander a queen. So I guess that's your call. So, to summarise that section, I'd suggest your piece would work better as:

Of fine, ample bosom and white flesh ye be;
"Please, sir, some more!" you cry out with glee.
Your moist velvet loins, of oh so deep red,
Lure knaves, slaves and urchins, kings to your bed.

Now for this section:

Legs in the air, a fine ballerina you’d make,
Perfect for tight spaces, lads, make no mistake.
You tell great tales of adventure and lust,
Enough with the stories, you’re horny I trust?

The metre's shot to shit until the fourth line. Again, it might be your desire to use the image of the ballerina - and why not? it's a good one - just won't fit with the end-rhymes you're trying to fit it into. Perhaps choose 'dancer' instead, as it carries close connotations and still conveys some grace - allows for the idea of 'erotic dancer' to enter the reader's mind, too. Again, let's try to smooth out your metre here, and tinker with your aside to the gentlemen:

With your legs in the air, a fine dancer you'd make;
Ideal for tight spaces, lads, make no mistake!

I've chosen 'ideal' over 'perfect' because, although the same number of syllables, the accent falls on a different one in natural speech pattern. i.e PERfect, iDEAL.

I'd insert an extra syllable in 'You tell great tales of adventure and lust' just to tweak it (though it could stand as is), to make 'You spin us great tales of adventure and lust' - spin for its historical allusion (you might also opt for 'weave' there) and its connotations re 'spinning a yarn', and us to keep the sounds tight in that line with lust.

your 'enough with the stories, you're horny I trust?' I would tinker with to create

Enough with the stories! You're horny, I trust?

And now your final couplet

Of all the king’s horses, and all the king’s men,
Not one left untouched, dear Guinevere, shall we then?

I like your inclusion of 'all the king's horses and all the king's men'. Bawdy, satirical, and quite quite acidic. It would also suggest to me that you keep 'urchins' in place as this write is really more sharp in its tone than i first read. And to make sure that acidity hits home with a punch, you don't want to be messing up your metre - again, when to do so distracts rather than enhances the write as it does in this instance.

Of all the king's horses, and all the king's men,
There's not one untouched, except me. Shall we, then?

or maybe

Of all the king's horses, and all the king's men,
There's not one untouched; time to dance, my sweet Gwen.

sweet/dear/hot Gwen

time to dance, dirty Gwen?

meh, just stuff to think about. this has the makings of a very tart satirical piece. polishing always does wonders.

 

[ArtLeBleu]

Thanks for all the input. Very thorough! I will be revising the poem and posting the new version very soon.

 

[butters]

Thanks for all the input. Very thorough! I will be revising the poem and posting the new version very soon.

I hope something might be of use and look forward to reading your revision